Is his relationship with his ex too much or is it me?

[Erej]

Advice needed as I feel like I'm going mad.

So I have been dating somebody for just over a year. He was with a women for 17 years, they have a 4 year old son, married and still lived together at the time we first met.

I was not very happy about dating a man who was still married albeit separated but still living with his wife so I was very hesitant about getting to know him and catching any sort or feelings plus I had just got out or a relationship myself and wasn’t really ready for anything. He chased me a lot and treat me like a queen with gifts and dinners etc.

He explained to me that the marriage hadn’t worked for a long while and the only reason he still was living in the same house was because he was there for his son. He used to put his son to bed every night then go out and was never at home day or night, he said this was just because of the unpleasant atmosphere and they were not getting on too well and it was awkward.

About 8 months after that he bought a house and moved out and I have been with him ever since, this was a year ago.

We have had a lot of arguments in that time. We are both strong characters and do clash a lot.

So down to the issue!
I would never ever ever want to come between a mother and father of a child at all, I would always encourage a good healthy relationship for the sake of the child and their future. However, I personally feel that a few things are a little questionable and I would really like some advice.
So he is a stand up guy, a very loyal dad and would do anything for his son, but that seems that is goes as far as his child’s mother too.
Firstly, the child is in nursery full time and she doesn’t work at all, he supports her with everything, food, mortgage, house, car etc. Don’t get me wrong, this is nice but he isn’t exactly loaded. Iv seen messages on his phone about him taking her car to get fixed, her sorting his car service for him through a mutual friend along with a few other things. He assures me that they only talk about things to do with their son but I have seen she has sent him pictures of candles all around the lounge when she had a power cut and texts with her wishing him a good night at work and that she was having friends round for drinks etc.
He had his son a couple of nights a week, and he pops to see him a few times between. They speak on the phone a few times a day, when he wakes up, when he goes to sleep and other bits in between, then there is the texts on top of that, images of anything either of them get up to with the child, they get the bouncy castle out, pictures exchange, one of them takes him to the beach, pics exchange, he could be sat on the sofa watching tv and pics are back and forth daily, I understand you want to know your son is ok when not there but this just seems a lot to me!
A few weeks ago we watched a AGT audition where a child with autism sings, I saw that he had sent it to her in a text, I questioned this and he said he was consoling her because she was upset with their sons development.
She knows he is dating somebody else, but he has also told me that she is still in love with him and she holds on to the hope that one day he may go back to her. The kisses on texts only stopped a couple on months ago after I repeatedly told him i felt it was inappropriate and made me uncomfortable. She has turned up at the house a couple of times too, unannounced for random things with no urgency at all.
I have told him how I feel on several occasions but he doesn’t talk about it, we have had several arguments about it, some where I have packed my stuff and left and we haven’t spoken in sometimes weeks at a time. He told me that he hasn’t told him mum about me as she would maybe think less of me for being with a man that is still married. I have asked him when he plans to get a divorce, on several occasions and he has said he will bring it up in September when his son goes to school full time as he doesn’t want the household dynamics to be effected where his son is living as he isn’t sure how she will take it.
Anytime we argue about it all and how I feel about the relationship is a little too intense he gets very defensive, he is a calm guy but when I eventually get a rise out of him he tells me “it’s my son, I have responsibilities, she is the mother to my child” this makes me feel like I am trying to cause an issue between him and his son when I am most certainly not! Every time it comes up he just says “oh same thing again” but he doesn’t talk about it, doesn’t even try to see my side of it, he just tells me I am here with you and you are my priority and then it all starts again and nothing changes. I don’t want to be a nagging women at all but I just feel like something has to give. Is it me?

I am sure this man is charming and it seems as if he lovebombed you at the start to get you to overlook the fact he was married and still living with his wife.

Lovebombing puts you on a pedestal, you feel as if you have met a soulmate and no one had ever loved you like this before. The issue however is that real love takes time to develop and most lovebombers only "love you" when you are complying. As soon as you start to assert your needs the extent of their love is revealed. It is a veneer, paper thin and has no depth. If you push to have your needs met it leads to stonewalling or arguments. It is confusing because the honeymoon stage of the relationship had you believing it was the real deal.

Is there a big age difference between you? Did you meet on OLD?

Men often will not leave one woman until there is another lined up. I know it's hard to be objective when you are in a relationship but this man is showing you who he is. Ignore his words and judge his actions.

Rolling his eyes at you is a very bad sign as it shows contempt is creeping in. This usually will only get worse. The good times will be when you are not causing waves or asking for respect.

You were the other woman.
He will not divorce her.
He is stringing you both along.
Leave now before you get dragged down further by him

This. I'll add another one:

He will leave you for her or go back to her when you dump him. I imagine when you walk out and don't speak for weeks that he is sleeping with her. Hence why she thinks he will come back. Bit weird anyway that he told you that and that she still loves him.

I've not read the thread.

Oh ffs, you've been together 8 months and you've had "a lot" of arguments?

Never mind him still basically being married (he may not be there physically, but financially and emotionally they're just as enmeshed as they were before he moved out). That's not actually the important issue.

The issue is that you're not right for each other.

Being a strong character just means you know what you want and aren't prepared to subsume your needs. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to argue - if you find you're arguing a lot because of your strong character, it's because your wants and needs aren't being met in this relationship. That being so, why would you stay in it?

The wife thing is not so much a red flag as a red herring.

I feel so sorry for you in this situation. Your not being treated properly,it's as simple as that . For whatever reason whether he's still straining her along , feelings , fear etc YOU are not being treated with respect.
I know you have invested in this man
He's not given you the same respect.. at all not even close . Something has to give here don't let this situation run you into the ground because it will . They are not over they have not cut the emotional ties and dependence from each other . You need to leave this toxic situation he sounds like a emotionally selfish person and she's always going to try pull his strings. Head melting stuff here love . Don't be the 'other woman' in your own relationship let them to it . I know it's scary but when you get out of this situation you will realize how much it's draining you . Release 'them' and open up your energy for someone who deserves you , you deserve to feel loved ,valued and respected . He sounds extremely juvenile
Best of luck and hugs to you

Well done OP ayer your latest update.
I agree with another, why on earth would he tell you she's still in love with him? (If that's true)
Surely if he has moved on, that would be uncomfortable for him and he certainly wouldn't share it.
All of this is too much. Walk away.

Just to give a different opinion on the whole Divorce thing. This may not be coming from the wife. I'm in a similar situation, apart from I'm the wife. We separated nearly 9 years ago, er still get on as a kind of friend/acquaintance basis. Speak a few times a week, mainly about our child, and have on the whole a good relationship.
We are not Divorced. It was brought up a few years ago when he started seeing someone. They have been together and engaged now for about 5 years, and have a couple of kids together. I have told him to send me the papers so we can get it sorted out, but so far it hasn't happend. I haven't started it, as dont see why I should pay for it, I'm not in another relationship so makes no odds to me.

I dont know what reason he gives to her for it not happening, but I would be pretty pissed off if I found out he was trying to make out it was through fear of how I would react, or if it would affect him seeing our child. We have lived apart for 10 years. The marriage has been dead for 10 years. I think in his case it is more laziness than anything else

@Sunshinesky1981I know someone like that, it is not laziness, it is a excuse not to commit, a way to force having separated finances, keep his own things while keeping new person unprotected. It is not that he is trying to protect the wife either, as the wife would have a very small chance on getting any access to assets accumulated after the split.

Either way OP, it is bad news. It seems to me that he is not that into you, and putting up with so much shit from someone who doesn’t really love you as much as he says, it is NOT worth a day of your life.