Is this abusive?

[Gemma19898989]

My partner and I have a 3 year old girl. We have been together for 4 years. He is fine most if the time. We don't do much together as a couple, he doesn't seem to be interested in getting in too deep. Even lastnight for example, he said he was bored sitting out with me at the firepit and a few drinks, but yet he's happy to have a few with his friends and family. However, he pays for the food shopping, drives me if I need a lift anywhere, is nice to my parents, does jobs in the garden and surprises me with the odd treat from the shop. He takes me out on special occasions, but I dont feel like he enjoys it, just out of duty. He is a wonderful father and our little girl loves him to bits. He can get angry very easily. I would like to think that any child support that our daughter gets is accessible to both of us. He wanted to put it in his revolut account so we could both see it. He took me off being able to view that one time when he was mad at me, so I suggested we open a joint bank account . He called me 'an ungrateful, little, useless cunt'. He kicked the table, breaking my candle. Told me to not bother applying for a job I have no intention getting. And he belittled me in a baby, belittling tone saying ' run to mummy and daddy'. This is nearly every week. Sometimes I feel I may be to blame at first, but I'm so sick of it. I already feel worthless as it is. On a separate note, he cannot go out without using cocaine... he only goes out about 3 times a year, but when he does he gets with men, ... he claims its transsexuals he is into (which I see from his porn history) but when he is using cocaine he says men are easier to find than transsexuals. I act open to his sexuality. But when he is sober (most of the time) he wont mention that. He has a gambling addiction that I think is under control at the moment and while I was pregnant he was smoking weed every day.
I'm portraying him in such a negative light. But I'm stating facts. And I'm wondering if this is just me focusing on his negative aspects. If it is I need a kick up the arse from any of you! I'm desperate for your help.

Worried, stressed mum.

Is it abuse? What do YOU think?

I don't know! Sometimes I feel it is and sometimes I feel he evens it out and I always hear no relationship is perfect, I honestly cannot tell.

He’s drug addicted

Hideously verbally abusive

Is violent near you

Is socially a miserable twat unless it’s on his terms

And is financially controlling.

Run. Run run run.

And that thing he does when he says “run back to mummy and daddy” is to try to make sure that you DONT do that. And yet that’s exactly what you should do.

Thank you ❤ really appreciate your outlook on it. Was desperate for it.

Have you read “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft? I think you should.

And go back to your mum and dad.

He sounds nasty and horrible. You do not need to put up with that. Your partner should make you feel loved and valued - can you honestly say you get that from this "relationship"?

I'm sorry OP- it sounds awful and humiliating. You deserve a whole lot better

No but I will, thanks do much 🥰 I always thought that's why he says that about my mum and dad, because his parents have destroyed him by spoiling him since day 1 from what I see. I just thought I may be paranoid as I havent many friends that I can discuss this with.

The important question isn't 'is this abusive'.

The important question is 'is this how you want to spend your life'?

@GallopingGreen thank you. Really needed this reassurance/ eye opener. I k ow it must sou d ridiculous as an onlooker to this post but I feel like this may be normal and everybody says relationships are hard work!

@waytheleaveswork it would be for the sake of my daughter if this is what life is normally like for everybody. But if it's not then it's probably better for my daughter to send him packing. (My parents own the house we rent) we ha e tried before to move on, but we both felt do bad for our little girl as his home is 3 hours away.

Of course it's abuse, you know that.

You're not to blame.

Plus he takes drugs, and he cheat on you in a particularly dangerous way, and sounds obsessed with sex. He gambles too.

But I'm stating facts. And I'm wondering if this is just me focusing on his negative aspects.

Some negative aspects are worth keeping in mind. Abuse, drugs and dangerous cheating, gambling, none of these are things you can ignore.

I imagine there may be worse/other stuff too. You've told us he has an obsession/high interest in sex. Does he nag you, or get stroppy if he doesn't get it?

sometimes I feel he evens it out and I always hear no relationship is perfect,

Oh hun, there's imperfect and there's an absolute doozy. Nothing can even out abuse etc.

Please finish with him ASAP. xxx

i can't imagine why you linked up with such a person, taking drugs etc.
anyway it is not much of a relationship, and never will be.
i think you want us to say it is abusive, so that gives you an excuse to leave. it;s obvious he is just not really interested in you. perhaps he is grateful for your care of his daughter, but that's all, like a professional nanny, buying the food, giving lifts. but not interested in acting as a couple. he obviously does not want to be a couple, so why do you stay.

Oh, OP. If you were my daughter and you were brave enough to tell me what you've written in your post, I'd do everything in my power to support you and help you and your child to leave him.

Your thread title asks if this is abusive. The answer to your question is YES. I'm so sorry you are going through this

@alexdgr8 yeah I think sub consciously that is what I am doing on one level, but I honestly dont know what is tolerable in a relationship anymore. I'm so confused and needed some insight desperately. I cant say that I was the most level headed individual at the time I met him, it wasnt a good time to get into a relationship. And although my daughter is the best gift i could ever ask for, o got pregnant 8 months after meeting him. I hadn't lived with him until she was born. And before we lived together I always thought he will come out of his shell. That he was just shy or afraid to open up. I really appreciate your response. Thank you.

@nomoredickheads tha k you so much for your response. This is what I think I need. The funny things is no, he doesnt pester me for sex at all. We could go a month without anything but I see on his history, I know I shouldnt snoop, that he watches transsexual porn. He only has the co fidence to say this when he is using cocaine. And I, stupidly, was open to letting him get with another man. That was 3 years ago now. I just wanted him to be open with me. But I know now that he will never talk about that when he is sober. He is seeing a drug counsellor now for a couple of years but I think it's just to show his loved ones that he is making an effort. He has stopped abusing weed, which didnt suit him. But is taking his addiction out now by working out 3 or 4 hours a day.

@DramaAlpaca thanks for your response. My poor mother is 73 and is the only woman I can talk to. That's why I came on this. You would think that I'd know what is abuse and what is normal but I'm only seeing it from these responses to be honest. Thank you

You can do better for you and your daughter.
Relationships don’t have to be difficult or hard work.
He sounds like a total waste of space. Would you want your DD to grow up to be with a man like this?

Doesn’t have to be deemed Officially abusive for you to leave, You can end it for any reason or none. And you have a lot of reasons in your posts to end it!

Fucking hell. He sounds absolutely vile, my jaw was dropping by the end of your post! None of this is good or normal in any way! You need to get this horrible person out of your life as soon as possible.

@alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 I'm having a real eye opener with this. I just dont understand, why is he able to be so loving, caring and gentle with put little girl and not to me?

You know you deserve better than this scuzzbucket.

@LividLaughLovely I just dont understand why he is so nice to his family... mother, father sister and every body else.. And they probably think I am "psycho".

Doesn’t matter, does it. Get away from him. Live your life.

It matters not a jot why he behaves like this! He chooses to treat you like shit, so the only sensible response it to stop wondering why, just get him out of your life. He is trash, you deserve so much better.

"an ungrateful, little, useless cunt" for this comment alone I think I'd leave my husband, noone should EVER speak to you this way. He is abusive, manipulative and vile, he may be a good father (although I think your radar is off on acceptable behaviour so keep an eye) but that doesn't mean you should tolerate him as an abusive husband. Please contact women's aid. Xxx

Sending all the love and strength OP you don't need to tolerate this xxx