Is this abusive?

[Gemma19898989]

My partner and I have a 3 year old girl. We have been together for 4 years. He is fine most if the time. We don't do much together as a couple, he doesn't seem to be interested in getting in too deep. Even lastnight for example, he said he was bored sitting out with me at the firepit and a few drinks, but yet he's happy to have a few with his friends and family. However, he pays for the food shopping, drives me if I need a lift anywhere, is nice to my parents, does jobs in the garden and surprises me with the odd treat from the shop. He takes me out on special occasions, but I dont feel like he enjoys it, just out of duty. He is a wonderful father and our little girl loves him to bits. He can get angry very easily. I would like to think that any child support that our daughter gets is accessible to both of us. He wanted to put it in his revolut account so we could both see it. He took me off being able to view that one time when he was mad at me, so I suggested we open a joint bank account . He called me 'an ungrateful, little, useless cunt'. He kicked the table, breaking my candle. Told me to not bother applying for a job I have no intention getting. And he belittled me in a baby, belittling tone saying ' run to mummy and daddy'. This is nearly every week. Sometimes I feel I may be to blame at first, but I'm so sick of it. I already feel worthless as it is. On a separate note, he cannot go out without using cocaine... he only goes out about 3 times a year, but when he does he gets with men, ... he claims its transsexuals he is into (which I see from his porn history) but when he is using cocaine he says men are easier to find than transsexuals. I act open to his sexuality. But when he is sober (most of the time) he wont mention that. He has a gambling addiction that I think is under control at the moment and while I was pregnant he was smoking weed every day.
I'm portraying him in such a negative light. But I'm stating facts. And I'm wondering if this is just me focusing on his negative aspects. If it is I need a kick up the arse from any of you! I'm desperate for your help.

Worried, stressed mum.

@KellyHall that's the last thing I want for her, I just wasnt sure if I was overreacting internally to his behaviour when he is annoyed. Up until now i was hoping counselling would work as a last resort (we had one session before covid19) but i think hed only go to seem as though hes doing everything he should. I dont think he would open up properly in counselling. I had hoped that might change him and bring him to see what he is doing. But I am starting to think differently now, that's why I posted this. I wanted to see if people think his behaviour is normal or am I over reacting.

What baffles me is that I have had a very safe/ secure up bringing with a loving mother and father. And had nothing traumatic or such happen to me. So why I am like this at 32/ so ill- prepared, beats me!

I had this, and still managed to end up in an abusive relationship. Mine didn't have any name calling, drugs or cheating, but was still abusive. I suspect one of the reasons is actually the loving and secure home - I didn't see the signs. I had mostly been surrounded by nice, decent people, so it didn't occur to me that some other people, who are supposed to love you, can be intentionally manipulative and try to kill your self esteem, alianate you from friends and convince you that you don't deserve any better.

Cheating and drugs aside, no - belittling you, calling you names and breaking things at regular intervals is not a happy healthy relationship.

Here's a link to a free pdf version of the Lundy Bancroft book a PP mentioned, I'm pretty sure you'll find your man described to a tee somewhere in the 'types of abusive men' section www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

He's not a good father because good fathers don't call their wives cunts. And they don't sleep around.
Leave the manipulative, gambling, drug user and go to your nice parents. Open up to them, they will support you.
You are very lucky to have parents who can help.

You are in a horrible relationship and you and your daughter deserve to be free of this awful man who seems to be using you as cover for his life of lies.

@Hidingtonothing thank you so much, really appreciate that. 🥰

OP, this is bad. Really bad.

He sleeps around (with men!?), uses drugs, verbally abuses you, gambles, and is emotionally abusive. Do your friends and family know about this?

Your daughter deserves better, and so do you.

I'm worried for you and I hope you find the strength to leave.

Yes he is abusive op, very.

You need to leave asap.

He verbally abusive towards you, he's financial abusive too and will be violent by you and your dc. He is NOT a good am

Thank you for all the advice/ insights. I've already started reading Lundy Bancroft's book. And I'm starting to think, is it possible that something happened that I cannot remember in my very young years? Despite having loving parents who still love eachother? Something that made me used to the idea of love and abuse coming hand in hand. Or could this happen to anybody?

Yes he is abusive and you need to leave him. You and your daughter deserve so much better than this waste of space. I know it won't happen overnight but you really need to get out soon. You seem close to your parents, could you stay with them? If not, maybe you could stay with friends? I also recommend you getting in touch with Women's Aid too. I hope you're okay and please stay safe. This is not your fault.

@DandyMandy thanks for your response. The 3 of us currently rent a house owned by my parents so luckily, that's not an issue. He works 3 nights a week so If he moved home he would have her (in his pare ts house) for 3 nights and I would have her the other nights.... until she starts school. His mother is very possessive of our daughter so I need to be careful and k ow my rights as a mother regarding primary care.

Why would he need to cheat if you're letting him sleep with men? He has no need to cheat. He's a hugely abusive arsehole so if you didn't give him permission to do this then he would of course cheat on you.

You deserve so so much better!

@user1481840227ser148 he never cheated on me.

@JKrowling69 I couldn't answer if that is abusive or not. 😂 depends on the context I suppose!

You're portraying him a negative light because he's a complete asshole.

Wow if I spoke to my mrs like that and called her a cunt my feet wouldn't touch the ground.

Please leave before this becomes ‘normal’ to you. It’s not only not normal it’s not acceptable and not legal. Get yourself and your daughter a happy little life somewhere well away from him. Sending you strength x

Yes I know Gemma but my point was that you allow him to sleep with other people......so he doesn't need to cheat..because you allow it.

Most of the cheaters on here wouldn't be cheaters if their partners let them sleep with other women!!!

OPbear in mind that the ten minutes of nasty behaviour a week are extremely worrying. Many men do not talk to their wives like this a single time in 50 years of marriage.

Also...it is easy for an abusive man to adore (and therefore be really kind to) a little girl. When she gets to 12, and quite naturally gets stroppy and tests boundaries, he will be unable to handle it, and will be abusive and controlling towards her.

OP, if you are still reading this thread then look at the Freedom Programme. You can download it for about 12 quid and it’s really helpful.

I too echo other posters that you should get rid of him. If he’s such a fabulous dad then he’ll still be able to see his DD, he’ll just have to find a way. Presumably he works, so he can rent a room and live closer.

It’s really isn’t your responsibility to worry about where he’s going to live, he’s a big boy and can work all that out himself. He treats you like a child, so obviously he thinks he’s cleverer than you, so if he’s so clever he’ll be able to work all that out no problem.

Don’t put up with his abusive behaviour, and yes, it is abusive. The longer it goes on the more ground done you’ll become by it. You deserve much better than that and your DD deserves to live in a home where her mother isn’t being abused.

Dear God! This was horrifying to read, I'm sorry you have questioned if being treated that way is part of a normal relationship. Relationships aren't easy, no, but they shouldn't involve drug use, verbal abuse, financial abuse, aggression and sexual dishonesty. Run, run for the hills. And don't assume your daughter has to have equal and shared custody either, hell would freeze over before I'd be happy sending my child to someone like that for half the week. His parents also get zero rights, she is not their child.

Oh OP, this is so awful to read and, as everyone else who has replied has said, yes, he is abusive without question. I’m glad you are reading Lundy Bancroft, I’m sure it will help open your eyes. If you can afford it, please consider finding a good counsellor to help you through this and to firm up your boundaries and set you on course for the great future you can have without him.

Please also start speaking to solicitors (they will offer you half an hour of free advice up front). Do not assume you have to hand over your daughter three nights a week, particularly given his past addiction issues, until you have done so.

Very best of luck to you!

I'm not sure if anybody will see this anymore but I just got him out of the house with the help of my parents. It was all very nasty.
He was liking a work colleagues instagram pictures and when I confronted him calmly to let him know that it makes me uneasy he lashed out, saying he can like what he wants and his verbal abuse escalated from there. I didn't give him satisfaction of reacting. But he said awful things to me.
When my parents came over he made it very clear to them that he thinks I'm a waste of space and even called me a useless cunt in front of them. He is gone now. Dont know when he will mo e all his stuff out.
I'm wondering has anybody advice for me as to how to handle this? Will I get over it? I feel like I will miss him around. Has anybody been through something similar? He wants to take our daughter to live with him but i dont want that. What are my next steps?
I'm blown away by the generosity of everybody who took time to reach out and help me. A big thank you. You have given me strength and courage to see this as for what it is.

I've just spotted your update Gemma and want to say a big well done for getting out of there. I'm glad your parents are being supportive, I knew they would be. Wishing you all the best for the future

Delighted he is out and delighted your parents witnessed his shocking abuse.

OP, you need time to decompress from the horror of this relationship.

It would never have morphed into a long term, loving relationship....that is the truth.

You need to take time out to focus on your child, re build your self esteem.

You need to be out of a relationship to do this.

Please look at some counselling.

I would think it would be very good to flag with 101 that together with your parents you got an abusive partner out of the house.

He's not going to get your daughter.

The dregs like him are only interested in drugs and themselves.

You need to think about your boundaries.

Enjoy the peace for now.