Is this abusive?

[Gemma19898989]

My partner and I have a 3 year old girl. We have been together for 4 years. He is fine most if the time. We don't do much together as a couple, he doesn't seem to be interested in getting in too deep. Even lastnight for example, he said he was bored sitting out with me at the firepit and a few drinks, but yet he's happy to have a few with his friends and family. However, he pays for the food shopping, drives me if I need a lift anywhere, is nice to my parents, does jobs in the garden and surprises me with the odd treat from the shop. He takes me out on special occasions, but I dont feel like he enjoys it, just out of duty. He is a wonderful father and our little girl loves him to bits. He can get angry very easily. I would like to think that any child support that our daughter gets is accessible to both of us. He wanted to put it in his revolut account so we could both see it. He took me off being able to view that one time when he was mad at me, so I suggested we open a joint bank account . He called me 'an ungrateful, little, useless cunt'. He kicked the table, breaking my candle. Told me to not bother applying for a job I have no intention getting. And he belittled me in a baby, belittling tone saying ' run to mummy and daddy'. This is nearly every week. Sometimes I feel I may be to blame at first, but I'm so sick of it. I already feel worthless as it is. On a separate note, he cannot go out without using cocaine... he only goes out about 3 times a year, but when he does he gets with men, ... he claims its transsexuals he is into (which I see from his porn history) but when he is using cocaine he says men are easier to find than transsexuals. I act open to his sexuality. But when he is sober (most of the time) he wont mention that. He has a gambling addiction that I think is under control at the moment and while I was pregnant he was smoking weed every day.
I'm portraying him in such a negative light. But I'm stating facts. And I'm wondering if this is just me focusing on his negative aspects. If it is I need a kick up the arse from any of you! I'm desperate for your help.

Worried, stressed mum.

Oh my God. Where do I start? I'd say the drug use, the extra marital encounters, a gambling addiction, the possibility he might be gay but in denial? That's on top of intamy issues and lack of connection and his temper! It makes me wonder what your upbringing was like. I really hope you're not having sex with him if he's picking up random men at the bar.

Also, the mummy & daddy comment taunting suggests he secretly wants you to leave. Maybe he can paint you as a bad person or something that way.

The reason why he's nice to everyone else is because he respects them but not you.

He sounds potentially quite dangerous, so make sure you have support around when you ask him to leave. If you have a friend or family member who can come and stay for a while as he is packing up and moving his stuff out, then please do that. Your post is shocking and you are describing a very nasty abusive man.

OP - reading your posts I thought you must be in your early 20s but, given your mum is 73 I guess you're in your 30s? What has happened in your life to leave you this ill prepared for relationships that you have to ask whether you are being abused - when the multiple facts you list scream ABUSE...

Do you really want your little girl to grow up in such a dysfunctional family? And is this all you want to do with your one and only precious life? Come on, get a grip and sort out your life!

Definitely read Lundy Bancroft's book. But also this: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden. And get rid of this horrible man. Please.

He cheats on you
He's verbally abusive
He's financially controlling
He's a drug addict

Not seeing anything good here

Tell him to pack his shit up and get out if your parents own the house.

Oh, hon. Yes, absolutely abusive and you should seriously think about kicking him to the kerb.

I am wondering, like a PP, whether a lot of his problems seem from being in denial about his sexuality. Even still, taking it out on you is shitty behaviour, and nothing you should be putting up with.

OP I ask because I am a couple of years down the line from you (I left him).

And what I wish I realised, and what I wish I could help you see right now, is that it does not matter how other people live. There is no international, standardised measurement for how much shit you should take in a relationship. About whether it is or isn't ok for your daughter to grow up thinking a decent relationship is about being called a cunt by a cocaine riddled bully.

There is only your one precious life, your one short time on this earth that you get to share with your daughter.

So do you want to spend it living like this?

Get someone round to support you when you tell him he needs to leave. Once he is gone, it will be a hard few months, but it will be worth it. You might even get PTSD as the scales fall from your eyes and you realise the true nature of this relationship. He can see your DD every other weekend if he has somewhere safe to take her. Write lists so you can break down tasks. It seems very overwhelming at first but you can do it

Thank you all for the insight. What baffles me is that I have had a very safe/ secure up bringing with a loving mother and father. And had nothing traumatic or such happen to me. So why I am like this at 32/ so ill- prepared, beats me!

Wow, he’s gay/bi? A druggie. A nasty person. Sounds like he has serious issues and maybe because he is hiding his true sexuality?

Get out ASAP. Hope you have some family or friends who can help?

He sounds like a disgusting, repulsive individual.

Your poor daughter.

Please get him out of YOUR home asap.

He's a horror.

Get him out.

Yes, he is abusive.

And, by default, a man who abuses their mother is not a good father.

The two cannot be separated as much as the men (and other people) would like to separate them.

Anyone who makes one of their main carers stressed, anxious, distressed, upset, distracted, down etc. has a direct effect on the child - be side they can't parent or even be present in a relaxed, happy, calm way.

One question.

Are you happy?

If yes, then stay. If No, then leave.

You'd need to be crazy to say yes but there's no accounting for taste.

"if this is what life is normally like for everybody"

OP, nobody's life should be like this. You are living with a man who belittles you, verbally abuses you, cheats on you and takes drugs.

You can do so much better, for you and your daughter. Please don't let her grow up thinking it's ok to be treated like this.

Thanks everyone who commented. It is becoming clear to me reading the responses. I have very supportive parents who live in the same town as me.
I think at the start I was much stronger but held on with him in hope things would change after our daughter was born.
Then as time goes on I seem to be losing my boundaries, confidence etc.
What confuses me is that he has never cheated... I allowed him to experience this and I was in the house at the time. Also, he only uses cocaine maybe 3 times a year. He is nice 90% of the time and our daughter loves him. So the mixed behaviour had me very confused. I thought if he is only calling me names and putting me down for 10 minutes once a week it might be what to expect in a relationship.
But your outlooks are really confirming what I think I may know deep, deep down in my heart.

Highly abusive, please don't allow your little girl to think this is normal relationship behaviour

Agree with other PP's. He's abusive verbally, emotionally financially and physically. He sounds like a narcissist. Check out Little Shamen on YouTube and prepare to have your eyes opened.

Is this really the example of relationships you want to model for your DD? She is very likely to enter into abusive relationships as an adult by being exposed to this and thinking its OK. Leaving isn't easy but you will look back one day and wonder why you ever stayed.

I thought if he is only calling me names and putting me down for 10 minutes once a week it might be what to expect in a relationship.

No, no and no again! My husband and I squabble because he never changes the empty toilet roll. He doesn’t call me names or put me down. Ever.

If someone made you a cup of tea and said it was 90% tea, 10% shit, would you drink it? The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none.

Dear god, the whole thing sounds horrifc

What confuses me is that he has never cheated... I allowed him to experience this and I was in the house at the time

This is awful beyond belief. Surely you can see this is all kinds of fucked up?

If you stay without anything changing, you're teaching your daughter it's ok to let people treat you like shit 10% of her life. Is that what you want for her?

I know leaving is not as easy as people make out. Do you actually want him to change so you can be a happy family? Or has his abuse outweighed the nice for you yet?

@formerbabe I know that part is so messed up. It was a few years ago, we had a night out. He was taking cocaine and proposed the idea of a threesome. I wasnt into it but I felt that if I let him explore his sexuality with somebody else that we both knew that it would confirm his feelings towards men of there were any. This behaviour hasn't happened since nor is his sexuality ever spoken about. All I know is that he watches transsexual porn but yet he seems to like women too. If he is bi sexual it wouldnt bother me. The only thing that bothers me is how he treats me some of the time.

This is so upsetting to read. I hope you leave him. It sounds so miserable.