Is this abusive?

[Gemma19898989]

My partner and I have a 3 year old girl. We have been together for 4 years. He is fine most if the time. We don't do much together as a couple, he doesn't seem to be interested in getting in too deep. Even lastnight for example, he said he was bored sitting out with me at the firepit and a few drinks, but yet he's happy to have a few with his friends and family. However, he pays for the food shopping, drives me if I need a lift anywhere, is nice to my parents, does jobs in the garden and surprises me with the odd treat from the shop. He takes me out on special occasions, but I dont feel like he enjoys it, just out of duty. He is a wonderful father and our little girl loves him to bits. He can get angry very easily. I would like to think that any child support that our daughter gets is accessible to both of us. He wanted to put it in his revolut account so we could both see it. He took me off being able to view that one time when he was mad at me, so I suggested we open a joint bank account . He called me 'an ungrateful, little, useless cunt'. He kicked the table, breaking my candle. Told me to not bother applying for a job I have no intention getting. And he belittled me in a baby, belittling tone saying ' run to mummy and daddy'. This is nearly every week. Sometimes I feel I may be to blame at first, but I'm so sick of it. I already feel worthless as it is. On a separate note, he cannot go out without using cocaine... he only goes out about 3 times a year, but when he does he gets with men, ... he claims its transsexuals he is into (which I see from his porn history) but when he is using cocaine he says men are easier to find than transsexuals. I act open to his sexuality. But when he is sober (most of the time) he wont mention that. He has a gambling addiction that I think is under control at the moment and while I was pregnant he was smoking weed every day.
I'm portraying him in such a negative light. But I'm stating facts. And I'm wondering if this is just me focusing on his negative aspects. If it is I need a kick up the arse from any of you! I'm desperate for your help.

Worried, stressed mum.

Very good your Dad saw that.

I think finding a family law solicitor is a good start. But I strongly suspect he’s full of shit.

And well done on getting him out.

You will feel like you are missing because you are missing the relationship you think you should have had and grieving the loss of what should have been not what was actually there. I would certainly warn the police that you have had to chuck him out and the verbal abuse in case he is to come back and I would clean to local womens refuge/domestic abuse charity to see if they are able to provide counselling and support because although not violent this has been domestic abuse you have suffered

Whatb a good updte Gemma...it may feel strange but please, stay strong, one day you will meet someone so so much beter, knider and be so much happier.. in the meantime focus on yourself and your DD.

Make a plan and start living a life that makes you happy!

When my parents came over he made it very clear to them that he thinks I'm a waste of space and even called me a useless cunt in front of them.

As fucking disgusting as his behaviour is, he's done you a favour doing that in front of your parents. He can't play the victim or manipulate them now. They know exactly the kind of man he is and will support you without any risk of him trying to win them over and use them. I'm so glad you've ended it, your life is just beginning and though they are too little to know it right now you've just taught your little one that you should never ever accept abuse or think it's normal. Well done

Ah well done you! I'm so sorry, that must have been awful for you. I'm so glad your parents witnessed that though.

Solicitors will often give you 30 minutes free advice, and once you have seen that solicitor, they cannot see your ex to give him advice as its a conflict of interest. Tell the solicitor he is verbally abusive and you fear it could esculate, that he is a drug user and you do not feel he is trustworthy to have your child alone and that he is already threatening to take her full time. Hopefully they can advise you further. I think speaking to women's aid would be good for seeking advice too.

I'm sorry again, but very well done for being so brave. You will get over him, just hang in there, one day at a time 💐

Please consult a family solicitor ASAP. You may need to get a restraining order against him as he cranks up the abuse around custody of your DC. He clearly had nothing but contempt for you while you were together. This will turn to bitter hatred now it’s over. Let the solicitor deal with him and involve the police whenever you need to. Get all incidents including email and texts on record.

Well done for taking the brave step that you did. I’m so glad you have supporting loving parents around you. Lean on them as much as you need to and post here too. There are lots of very wise people here who have been where you are. They have a wealth of knowledge and experience to share.

Sending you a huge hug

Well done on getting him out. Take time.to.emjoy being relaxed in your own home. Def call 101 to register havi g to kick him out in case he comes back and makes trouble.

I hope you can take a moment to acknowledge the big step you've taken and how positive it is that you have done it. Well done.

Well done 💐

Sorry OP, it's abuse. You don't have to do anything drastic, just start keeping a log and then in about 3 months time tell him you've booked some Relate counselling.
Take the log (and him) with you and say you'd like some advice on making sure his behaviour doesn't get worse. It'll either make him feel someone is onto him (and can protect you to a degree) or it'll push his behaviour to worsen, but if you set up a backup plan for the night/ few days after the Relate session for somewhere else you can stay just in case. I know this sounds dramatic but often when abusers are directly confronted this affronts them even more, so don't be lulled into false security if he's nice after the counseling. After a few hours or a couple of days he's likely to flip, but he'll most likely pretend it's about something else and refuse to admit it's anything to do with the fact you sought help.
I would say from experience that if the appointment is on, say, a Tuesday, his behaviour probably won't really kick off in response until the weekend as abusers unconsciously have more time to think about all the ways you've 'wronged' them in the week. So be very careful the weekend after you go to counseling. Have a plan in place as that's when he'll get nasty.

@troubadour Read the full thread!

EDIT-sorry-God, I've just read the replies (I didn't read them before I posted) and seen what happened. I'm so sorry. My advice is irrelevant and you are one brave woman.

Great update! So pleased for you.

I definitely echo, get legal advice and ring 101 to explain the circumstances, and ask for your home to be tagged should you ever need to make a 999 call. Ask for their domestic abuse team - not all front-line officers are completely up to date with coercive control.

Even though it's unlikely he'll follow through on his threats, don't be complacent, esp with his parents prodding him over their "rights" (they have none). That said, if you allow DD contact with them, they can establish a "bond" that if you later in life try to cut, they can argue over. So, harsh as this may seem, don't give in to any emotional blackmail. And do NOT let ex have her unsupervised, at any venue! Until a Court Order is in place setting out precisely the terms of his contact, he can keep her as long as he likes - this has happened! If he truly cares about his child, he can see her at a neutral venue, or your parents.

So, start setting the paper trail. Keep a detailed journal about his behaviour. Ring Women's Aid/NCDV or your local council's DA department. Talk to your doctor - you've been through trauma, and as much as you would have tried to shield DD, she may well have been witness to or even directly received abuse. So, get this noted.

Also, if you establish enough evidence for abuse, and are below a certain income level, you can get Legal Aid.

Hope your parents changed the locks? In other practical matters, pack up his things and get them out of your house, do an intense spring clean and redecorate at least something! Most of us get new bedsheets.

Again, so happy to hear your update!

Sorry - paragraph fail.

Well done getting him out OP!
His stuff needs to be gone, can your parents help to pack it and leave outside for him to pick up? Dont let him back in.
They all threaten to take the children like this. Don't hand her over until a formal contact order is in place.
Definitely echo others that say log with 101. Call police if he turns up kicking off and threatening. This will help with future arrangements re contact and whether its supervised or not.
Also you don't have to answer phone calls and listen to him ranting. Keep communication via text/email so you can screenshot and save any abusive messages.
And take a breather, enjoy the peace for now with you DD. Good luck x

Generally, I think if you are having to question if someone is abusive, chances are they probably are.

And from what you have said, he is 100% abusive. Not in the classic way; kicking and punching you, telling you all the time that you are ugly and worthless. But still abusive nonetheless.