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Relationships

I caught DH snooping on me...

135 replies

39Suzy · 01/06/2020 20:49

Well, this is a long one so apologies in advance.

DH for 6 years, together for 22 (yup) years. One DC aged 1.

He is an emotional abuser - i know this. He criticises everything i do, and everyone i know. He belittles me, treats me like shit, then apologises when I eventually lose it. As soon as I flip (and sometimes it can be days and days of 'you didn't put the iron back straight' or constantly leaving a toilet seat up deliberately deciding that actually, I put too many kidney beans in the chilli rendering it inedible), he laughs, says I have an anger problem, and puts all the blame on me.

He has been violent in the past, twice trying to strangle me - the last time about 3 years ago, the police were called and he was interviewed (nothing happenedas i wouldn'tgive a statementbut I know it's on record). The previous time was after my hen do - he accused me of sleeping with a colleague 12 years my junior, saw a photo on Facebook, came home from work and literally launched me across the room and pinned me against the wall by my neck. I managed to get him off me and ran. Each time he has sworn not to do it again.

He had counselling previously which works wonders but he has refused /lied about going in the last few years. Apparently, 'he can't help it'.

He is constantly accusing me of cheating- even last week (I literally go as far as our local shop 100m away without him at the moment) and for years has checked my phone and even threatened needing a paternity test all the way through pregnancy. I have confronted him before and once or twice he has admitted it and apologised. The irony is is that the week before we got married (and days after he tried to strangle me), i had a letter saying that he had been seeing someone. To be honest,i know it was someone he works with and dismissed it as a fib,someone that was just jealous but there was always a tiny doubt which he swore blind he was completelyinnocent. He has, when we have argued, told me that he has slept with prostitutes. I have no idea whether to believe it or not. He says later he just says it to hurt me.

So like I mentioned, he has periodically (i think) checked my phone... little questions like 'did you speak to anyone today' or 'have you heard of x lately' has led me to believe he has been logging into my accounts on and off (maybe more on than off). My last phone i had missed several messages inexplicably, as if someone had already read them so i didn't see any notifications. He put it down to a glitch whenever i asked him outright if he had read them. So... new phone arrives a few weeks ago, i always leave it around the house locked when i am off pottering or chasing the one year old (despite the accusations that it is always in my hand ). Over the weekend i had an inkling he had looked at it (phone moved and not on the same screen i had locked it on) so I Googled to see if you can get an app... and guess what, you bloody can. So i downloaded the app, and waited.....

Five times in 24 hours the CF has been on my phone snooping at messages and even who I called (and trust me,it's a dull list). And each time this app captures what he looked at, how long he spent, and even his ugly mugshot. I can't message friends about it as he reads every single message.

As far as I am concerned, I already knew this relationship was over. He is a nightmare to live with and it's just not fair on my baby. But how do I confront him?

My instinct is to wait at least a week or so and let the evidence build up then email it him at work and ask him to print it off (alongside divorce for unreasonable behaviour advice). No,i would not see the look on his face when he realises he has been caught out but actually, i think it would be the best option as otherwise he will just explode (can't do thatat work, he is front line emergency services).

And also, i want this resolving as amicably as possible- previously when I have suggested splitting he has threatened to take everything, even my baby off me (and says he has video evidence of me losingmy temper which I dont believe). My father passed away recently and he knows I will have an inheritance which he is already spending, but equally it has also given me the finances to set up on my own away from him.

Can I organise a petition for divorce without him agreeing to it? Can I force him to sell the house? Both are things previously he said he would refuse to do.

No idea where to start with it all...

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Vodkacranberryplease · 09/06/2020 11:57

Not good at all. You are definitely doing what you can though, clever you pretending to make less. Does this app give you reports you can use of his snooping?

Don't confront him - there is no point. I've just encouraged a poster on another thread to wind up her narcissistic self pitying boyfriend but this is different. Very very different.

He's obviously put money in his own account. Think about whether you can lead him down a false trail. Whether that's getting money in the joint account you can grab, making him think you aren't leaving, just be safe.

Re housing - could you house sit? In return maybe for keeping the gardens in order or whatever? Could you do a live in temporary arrangement somewhere? Could you rotate a week here and there with siblings just till you get some money together? Could you put the word out somehow that you need to stay somewhere free for a couple of months or even weeks? Is there anything in the house you can sell? On gumtree while he's out for cash maybe?