I caught DH snooping on me...

[39Suzy]

Well, this is a long one so apologies in advance.

DH for 6 years, together for 22 (yup) years. One DC aged 1.

He is an emotional abuser - i know this. He criticises everything i do, and everyone i know. He belittles me, treats me like shit, then apologises when I eventually lose it. As soon as I flip (and sometimes it can be days and days of 'you didn't put the iron back straight' or constantly leaving a toilet seat up deliberately deciding that actually, I put too many kidney beans in the chilli rendering it inedible), he laughs, says I have an anger problem, and puts all the blame on me.

He has been violent in the past, twice trying to strangle me - the last time about 3 years ago, the police were called and he was interviewed (nothing happenedas i wouldn'tgive a statementbut I know it's on record). The previous time was after my hen do - he accused me of sleeping with a colleague 12 years my junior, saw a photo on Facebook, came home from work and literally launched me across the room and pinned me against the wall by my neck. I managed to get him off me and ran. Each time he has sworn not to do it again.

He had counselling previously which works wonders but he has refused /lied about going in the last few years. Apparently, 'he can't help it'.

He is constantly accusing me of cheating- even last week (I literally go as far as our local shop 100m away without him at the moment) and for years has checked my phone and even threatened needing a paternity test all the way through pregnancy. I have confronted him before and once or twice he has admitted it and apologised. The irony is is that the week before we got married (and days after he tried to strangle me), i had a letter saying that he had been seeing someone. To be honest,i know it was someone he works with and dismissed it as a fib,someone that was just jealous but there was always a tiny doubt which he swore blind he was completelyinnocent. He has, when we have argued, told me that he has slept with prostitutes. I have no idea whether to believe it or not. He says later he just says it to hurt me.

So like I mentioned, he has periodically (i think) checked my phone... little questions like 'did you speak to anyone today' or 'have you heard of x lately' has led me to believe he has been logging into my accounts on and off (maybe more on than off). My last phone i had missed several messages inexplicably, as if someone had already read them so i didn't see any notifications. He put it down to a glitch whenever i asked him outright if he had read them. So... new phone arrives a few weeks ago, i always leave it around the house locked when i am off pottering or chasing the one year old (despite the accusations that it is always in my hand ). Over the weekend i had an inkling he had looked at it (phone moved and not on the same screen i had locked it on) so I Googled to see if you can get an app... and guess what, you bloody can. So i downloaded the app, and waited.....

Five times in 24 hours the CF has been on my phone snooping at messages and even who I called (and trust me,it's a dull list). And each time this app captures what he looked at, how long he spent, and even his ugly mugshot. I can't message friends about it as he reads every single message.

As far as I am concerned, I already knew this relationship was over. He is a nightmare to live with and it's just not fair on my baby. But how do I confront him?

My instinct is to wait at least a week or so and let the evidence build up then email it him at work and ask him to print it off (alongside divorce for unreasonable behaviour advice). No,i would not see the look on his face when he realises he has been caught out but actually, i think it would be the best option as otherwise he will just explode (can't do thatat work, he is front line emergency services).

And also, i want this resolving as amicably as possible- previously when I have suggested splitting he has threatened to take everything, even my baby off me (and says he has video evidence of me losingmy temper which I dont believe). My father passed away recently and he knows I will have an inheritance which he is already spending, but equally it has also given me the finances to set up on my own away from him.

Can I organise a petition for divorce without him agreeing to it? Can I force him to sell the house? Both are things previously he said he would refuse to do.

No idea where to start with it all...

[Treacletoots]

We are all here behind you OP. I do understand you wanting to get your ducks in a row but I also am concerned your life is in danger more than you feel.

I second getting an Airbnb until you can arrange more permanent accommodation. Better to be safe than sorry.

[Healthyandhappy]

Womens aid and go to a safe house. Also no access to child unless it's with someone as he may hurt baby to hurt u. Be careful

[Healthyandhappy]

Also what's the stats on how many times a man hits a woman before she acc leaves. Its quite a few.

[GracieLouFreebushh]

If women's aid haven't been that helpful then contact a local service. When I helped a relative leave I called the local charity who were great. She didn't want to stay local and didn't want to go into a refuge but now says it was the best thing she's ever done.

They have protocols in place when the man has a similar job. Local authority designated officer is a local authority person who can make sure he's safe in the job he's doing and if he does try to get you, the police and refuge can put a robust plan in place. They have great CCTV and they will help you get a restraining order to keep away from the refuge. If you stay a few months, then hopefully by the end he will have calmed down, child access would be sorted and when you get your own place they can make sure you have alarm with a panic alarm and put an alert for immediate response to your house.

The refuge my relative went in was lovely, new build. She didn't mix too much with the other ladies (just a few on same wave length) but got lots of support from the support workers and tonnes of advice. She was subject to MARAC meeting as they go through a risk assessment with you and choking really does increase your risk of further harm.

I really would urge you to speak with a local charity - it doesn't matter if he knows where you are as they do so much to keep you safe, go out with you, help you get to work safely and pick up the kids. They can also support you to leave to your own property and support you there. If you're in the north east I might be able to help with a recommendation of charity.

My relative was mortified with the idea of a refuge but actually it probably saved her life and she has a life 100 x better than she ever could have had before. Financially (he was financially abusive/controlling) and emotionally, has the freedom to do what she wants, where she wants, when she wants and who with. Please PM me if there's anything you want to ask and I will help in any way I can.

[GracieLouFreebushh]

Apologies for the length of that

[EmeraldShamrock]

He is grinding you down, you'll be a shell of your former self. Do it while you have some strength leave.

[Trichford]

You will feel all sorts through this, you are doing great just keep going 💐

[39suzy]

The stupid shit got to me today... realised something was up and tried the 'what's wrong', told him nothing but then he proceeded to tell me i was 'listening to advice' from someone like my mum or something as I had changed. He has also marked our paper calendar indiscreetly with when he is looking after DC and when I am. I asked ehat it was (stupid i know) but he wouldn't tell me. Then i regretted asking as he must have been dying for me to say something.

He has been so horrid this last week and thank god, working over the weekend so have not really had to put up with him. He followed me outside and all around the house today til i eventually snapped and told him I was fed up of him treating me like shit. He called me a narcissist....

I sorted all my paperwork yesterday whilst he was out - got marriage cert, DC birth certs and passport, deeds and copy of joint bank statements until Jan (took photos and put back). Ironically a joint statement arrived today which he picked up and tried to hide on the way into the house, saying it must be a fees statement that we don't need as he had gone paperless. I said there were some things they legally have to send and he snapped back that he had stopped it. I haven't tried to log onto our online banking but i bet he has changed the password. He put the envelope on the stairs so i waited til he hung his coat up and opened it - it was our mortgage statement which he snatched off me straightaway, ripped up and actually emptied the recycling immediately. I saw the figures but didn't get chance to take a photo.

I was so close to blurting out today that I knew he had been checking up on me. He is working now and i just went through the access reports on my phone from this evening and there he is, in the five minutes i was outside sorting washing, he was snooping around. He makes my goddammed blood boil.

I looked for a rental at the weekend but not much suitable for a young child that isnt a houseshare. And he is not working after tomorrow for a few weeks so going to just smile and bloody nod.

[Comtesse]

Bloody outrageous OP. Ripping up the mortgage statement? Awful. KOKO don’t give up.

[Happynow001]

@39Suzy @39suzy
Could you contact your mortgage lender and ask them to email you a copy of the statement? Do you have an email account which he doesn't have access to?

Worrying that you think he's changed the online banking password - when do you think you'll be able to check? When you do use the Private or Incognito browser which shouldn't store the history. Otherwise clear down your history manually immediately after you've finished.

[39suzy]

I have an app which tells me what he is looking at on my phone and so far, not IE. I changed my Google password recently and if a new device logs in, i get a notification so i don't think he is tracking what I am googling.

I should check the banking but it's linked to his personal acc so feels a bit intrusive.

Forgot to mention earlier , i had a look for pension etc in his personal docs at the weekend but he has destroyed everything and gone online.

[notapizzaeater]

He must think you're not entitled to anything if you split 🤯

[39suzy]

Funnily enough he believes if you walk out, you aren't entitled to anything- MIL walked out on FIL 15ish years ago and 'settled ' for an amount which was a fraction of the property's worth. Shame really as at the time she was suicidal and struggling financially, but FIL took it as a victory.

I know what the property is worth vaguely- and actually our remaining balance ismuch less than what he told me a few months ago.

[Happynow001]

Yep. He's hiding funds.

How close are you to leaving? You are in a really bad position.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Wow. Firstly you are doing amazingly well.

Secondly what a PRICK. He's hiding it all right - how dare he rip up a joint mortgage statement and change the password on a joint account!

Not sure if @Wallywobbles is anywhere near you but that sounds like the solicitor to get. You are also entitled to money from the joint account.

All of this is of course also proof of coercive and controlling behaviour I think, which is a crime. He has no right to do any of it.

Sneaky, nasty man. You keep going. He might have things online but unless he managed to stash it offshore which I seriously doubt it's all there to be found.

I wonder what the protocol is with banks? Why don't you ring them and without giving your name explain the situation. Anything that's joint is yours too and you could in theory rock up at the bank with your passport and take as much money out as you need couldn't you? Or at the very least get statements!

They must have something in place for DV situations.

[SionnachGlic]

OP,

Get out quietly & quickly. You & your child are living with a dangerous man. It doesn't matter if the new accomodation is not perfect as long as it is safe. Do not provoke any sort of argument or confront him about his snooping until you are out & safe.

[DeeCeeCherry]

So do you think I shouldn't bother confronting him with what he has been doing?

Why, what will you gain? This isn't the time for point-scoring, you're a Mum with yourself and a child to look after, and you need to leave. He's volatile, fanning the flames will be a disaster. You've had some great advice on this thread I hope you take. No man on this earth is worth this shitstorm in the 1 life you have.

[Windmillwhirl]

Please be very careful. I get email notification when I get mentioned on this site or sent a message. Could he see that?

I agree your safety is paramount. There is no knowing how he will react when he realises you are leaving him. This is very serious.

[Dragongirl10]

Your posts have chilled me to the bone op please get out some great advice here.
Be careful and stay calm difficult as it may be

[GracieLouFreebushh]

Hi OP do you not know how much money is in the joint savings? I suppose if the accounts are linked he could be transferring it all into his personal accounts. Are you named on the joint account and on the mortgage? If so, you could call (then delete the evidence) the banks to set up telephone banking and request a mortgage statement sent to an email address you give them - explain the situation.

When I helped a relative leave we went straight to the bank and withdrew half of the money from the account (otherwise it would have been gone) before he knew she had left. However they didn't have online banking so he didn't get a notification. If you have too much to do you on the day you leave you could set up online banking with your joint account added but transfer the money when the removals van leaves (if you're taking things).

Also take photos of contents of the house including electronics for the divorce - it sounds like his aim will be you having nothing! Email to a secret account and delete the photos off your phone.

Have you thought about speaking to a solicitor for advice?

[overnightangel]

Hope things are going ok OP, was thinking about you and this thread last night

[39suzy]

I changed my password on my email account linked to this a while ago and he hasnt checked it on my phone, just Whatsapp, Messenger, phone and texts (he had five minute rummage this morning whilst i was getting dressed. I knew he was as it was all quiet and he'd obviously abandonned baby who was crying for attention!).

We won't have much in our joint acc (yes, name is on everything joint). It is only used for bills (and almost all that goes in, comes out save for a bit of a household float). I only pay bare minimum in now as I work reduced hours now (and i told him i was taking home £200 a month less than I am.... glad i did now).

Only things I have found in my preferred budget are houseshares / tiny studio flats. Not safe or practical but I can stretch I guess, but I just need to sit down and work it all out as I will have increased childcare costs too.

Not spoken to a solicitor yet... i actually have my work phone I can use (fingerprint ID and he has no idea on passcode as it was set up at work so literally random) but zero time this week / next week when they would be open and him not here (i am WFH at the moment and not going to be back at my office for months). He has gone for a dog walk now but he could be back in 10 mins so it's not worth the risk.

CF has had a nose at my dad's will too this morning (admittedly i left it out in my office as I was waiting a call back to clarify something and to be fair, he has seen it before but it had been taken out the file and put back much straighter than I left it yesterday), there is an addendum with values he hasn't seen (different file). I am taking it out and putting it elsewhere. He mentioned the inheritance yesterday- I told him it was in trust with no access til my stepmum dies which he just swallowed. It's completely discretionary so even if he seeks his own legal advice, no way can he force anything as I can sign it away to one of my siblings.

I was going to take photos of the house when i can for when it goes on the market. Just in case he refuses access or trashes it...

[Embracelife]

All the mortgage etc details you can get later from the lender.
Be careful .
He knows something is up.
Any small place will be fine initially.

[Rosemary46]

Have you phoned your GP? You need to get this on record.

[B1rdbra1n]

Good luck OP🙏