I caught DH snooping on me...

[39Suzy]

Well, this is a long one so apologies in advance.

DH for 6 years, together for 22 (yup) years. One DC aged 1.

He is an emotional abuser - i know this. He criticises everything i do, and everyone i know. He belittles me, treats me like shit, then apologises when I eventually lose it. As soon as I flip (and sometimes it can be days and days of 'you didn't put the iron back straight' or constantly leaving a toilet seat up deliberately deciding that actually, I put too many kidney beans in the chilli rendering it inedible), he laughs, says I have an anger problem, and puts all the blame on me.

He has been violent in the past, twice trying to strangle me - the last time about 3 years ago, the police were called and he was interviewed (nothing happenedas i wouldn'tgive a statementbut I know it's on record). The previous time was after my hen do - he accused me of sleeping with a colleague 12 years my junior, saw a photo on Facebook, came home from work and literally launched me across the room and pinned me against the wall by my neck. I managed to get him off me and ran. Each time he has sworn not to do it again.

He had counselling previously which works wonders but he has refused /lied about going in the last few years. Apparently, 'he can't help it'.

He is constantly accusing me of cheating- even last week (I literally go as far as our local shop 100m away without him at the moment) and for years has checked my phone and even threatened needing a paternity test all the way through pregnancy. I have confronted him before and once or twice he has admitted it and apologised. The irony is is that the week before we got married (and days after he tried to strangle me), i had a letter saying that he had been seeing someone. To be honest,i know it was someone he works with and dismissed it as a fib,someone that was just jealous but there was always a tiny doubt which he swore blind he was completelyinnocent. He has, when we have argued, told me that he has slept with prostitutes. I have no idea whether to believe it or not. He says later he just says it to hurt me.

So like I mentioned, he has periodically (i think) checked my phone... little questions like 'did you speak to anyone today' or 'have you heard of x lately' has led me to believe he has been logging into my accounts on and off (maybe more on than off). My last phone i had missed several messages inexplicably, as if someone had already read them so i didn't see any notifications. He put it down to a glitch whenever i asked him outright if he had read them. So... new phone arrives a few weeks ago, i always leave it around the house locked when i am off pottering or chasing the one year old (despite the accusations that it is always in my hand ). Over the weekend i had an inkling he had looked at it (phone moved and not on the same screen i had locked it on) so I Googled to see if you can get an app... and guess what, you bloody can. So i downloaded the app, and waited.....

Five times in 24 hours the CF has been on my phone snooping at messages and even who I called (and trust me,it's a dull list). And each time this app captures what he looked at, how long he spent, and even his ugly mugshot. I can't message friends about it as he reads every single message.

As far as I am concerned, I already knew this relationship was over. He is a nightmare to live with and it's just not fair on my baby. But how do I confront him?

My instinct is to wait at least a week or so and let the evidence build up then email it him at work and ask him to print it off (alongside divorce for unreasonable behaviour advice). No,i would not see the look on his face when he realises he has been caught out but actually, i think it would be the best option as otherwise he will just explode (can't do thatat work, he is front line emergency services).

And also, i want this resolving as amicably as possible- previously when I have suggested splitting he has threatened to take everything, even my baby off me (and says he has video evidence of me losingmy temper which I dont believe). My father passed away recently and he knows I will have an inheritance which he is already spending, but equally it has also given me the finances to set up on my own away from him.

Can I organise a petition for divorce without him agreeing to it? Can I force him to sell the house? Both are things previously he said he would refuse to do.

No idea where to start with it all...

[Forumqueen]

@39Suzy please could
You give me the name of the app thank you x

[Cannotcope4223]

So sorry you’re going through this OP. I’m in a similar situation... would you mind telling me what phone you have? And what app you downloaded? I feel the same as you and I’m reading and following in awe x

[richele4]

I'm so sorry OP. Please get out as soon as possible
Be careful, he's dangerous for you and your baby

[Aquamarine1029]

@IdblowJonSnow

I'd suggest you educate yourself, but I can see you're too busy telling people to fuck off. What I wrote was accurate. Men who use strangulation/hands about the throat as a means to abuse are seven times more likely to kill their partner than other abusers. This is not opinion, it's fact. The op is lucky to be alive and she is still in very serious danger.

At least you took the time to tell op to be "super careful."

[39Suzy]

[quote Forumqueen]@39Suzy please could
You give me the name of the app thank you x[/quote]
It's WTMP (who touched my phone). Free to install,operates discreetly and is easy to use.

[39Suzy]

@Cannotcope4223

So sorry you’re going through this OP. I’m in a similar situation... would you mind telling me what phone you have? And what app you downloaded? I feel the same as you and I’m reading and following in awe x

I'm sorry you are going through the same. Just posted above x

[Tappering]

The most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive male partner, is when she leaves him.

Do not confront him.

Do not wait.

Strangulation is a key indicator of fatal abuse. You are in very serious danger and you need to leave as soon as you can.

Ring Women's Aid. Wait until he is out of the house and then pack a bag, take the baby and leave. WA are well-versed in abusers from all walks of life, including the emergency services - they will know how to handle this.

In the meantime you need to clear the browsing history and cookies on your phone.

[milcmxxx]

Don’t know if this has been said - he won’t be allowed your child you have had police involvement so no chance that’s happening....Litetally probs won’t be allowed. Get your stuff and leave when he’s at work, is there anywhere you can go? X

[ConcentricCircles]

I'd suggest you educate yourself, but I can see you're too busy telling people to fuck off. What I wrote was accurate. Men who use strangulation/hands about the throat as a means to abuse are seven times more likely to kill their partner than other abusers. This is not opinion, it's fact. The op is lucky to be alive and she is still in very serious danger

^Agreed. Mine tried to strangle me twice. Then when he stopped because he 'loved me' he then insisted we go visit my parents, so I would have to wrap a scarf around my neck and sit there, making small talk whilst my head was screaming inside.

He was a twisted, perverted bastard.

It wasn't long after that he tried to kill me by stabbing me.....I was holding my baby at the time.

OP, I hope you are ok. I hope you can accept what we are all saying to you. It isn't to be dramatic, it is because so many of us have gone through this process, and we want you to be safe.

Do not worry about his needs/wants/rights in any of this. Leave first. Find shelter and safety, support and knowledge to help you.

I wish Mumsnet had been around when I was going through this, it is such a fabulous support system.

Take care my lovely.

[KellyHall]

From what you've said he could be a key worker and therefore still going out to work? I'd get your child and get out at your very soonest opportunity next time he's out.

Everything but you and your child can be replaced. Get the two of you out and safe, then sort out your paperwork, etc.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I think that it's hard for the op to think about current physical danger because he hasn't touched her for 3 years. I think that there's the opportunity for her to get paperwork together, get a rental set up, see a solicitor and arrange a moving van where she gets to take all of her stuff.

OP use a computer elsewhere and buy another phone. First. Set up a Dropbox or use google docs with a new Id, take photos of the contents of the house, the paperwork, screenshots of bank accounts etc.

Once you have left I'd say you are in danger, so leave no trail. Check your possessions (especially children's stuff) for trackers and leave your phone in the house.

I think you need to try to ringfence the inheritance somehow - can you get a close relative or trusted friend to keep it in their account? It wouldn't be unusual to pay for property from a different account.

Obviously the police and solicitor will have more to add - these are just the basics. You have some time - not tons but some.

He's dangerous if he knows what you're doing and this is a highly stressful situation so best to get it done quickly. But don't walk out with nothing and take your child to somewhere awful - you deserve better.

You could have a new phone. paperwork and photos done by the end of tomorrow. Leave anything he will see till the last few hours before you go though.

Then from the new phone you can arrange a place, moving van etc. Maybe I watch too much crime drama but I would assume cctv in the house and listening devices. So all this has to be arranged with your current mobile at home and you somewhere else. Apart from paperwork and photos etc but have a cover story about needing docs for insurance etc.

If he's at work and you suddenly start looking at stuff he's hiding and then an hour later. Moving van turns up and two hours later youre out it's unlikely he will know until he gets home. If there's surveillance there he won't be able to check it all the time he probably only does it once a day. At the end of the day.

Leave a letter explaining why you are doing it. Don't be unkind but do be specific. Take a photo of the letter (it will be part of your evidence). In the letter say that once you are comfortable you are safe you would like to attend mediation to discuss child access as you want him to be involved but you yourself won't be having any direct contact with him for said access.

That gives you the control plus he can't go after you for being unreasonable.

[Twisique]

Get a solicitor so you can protect your inheritance, as well as the excellent advice above about leaving.

[milcmxxx]

I don’t know why but when I woke up this morning this post was the first thing on my mind!! My baby was waking as I wrote my post on here yesterday so was rushed. You need to leave when he’s at work, don’t confront - just go. You don’t know how angry he could get. I was in an abusjve relationship a few years ago (went through my phone too), very controlling, emotionally manipulative and eventually turned physical (he strangled me, I couldn’t breathe I really thought he was going to kill me). I agree with a PP, it gets worse once you leave and any form of contact is good to them, whether you tell them to fuck off or are polite, they don’t care as long as you’re replying. Leave, go stay with someone you trust and ring women’s aid. Don’t worry about his rights he won’t be allowed the baby. Do Claire’s law too. So sorry you’re going through this 💔

[milcmxxx]

Oh and get a restraining order ASAP!!!

[meganelizabeth]

Hi I think I'm going through the same thing with oh snooping on my phone too . What app did you down load please. I donwloaded one last month but it's crap .,xxx

[39Suzy]

@meganelizabeth its WTMP (Who touched my phone).

Thanks for all the advice... a lot to take in.

Fitstly @Vodkacranberryplease i never said he hadnt touched me for three years and physical danger is something I am thinking about for me and DC.

Just to reiterate as tgis seems to be asked / suggested a lot... I don't have anywhere I am able to stay if I walk out tomorrow whilst he is at work. Hotels are closed, I cant rent somewhere overnight, no friends locally in a position to put me/us up and no family locally. He wont let me have a car key or drive so I would be relying on public transport. Plus i have a job I am not walking out of right now either. I will not go to a hostel - he knows every single one of them. So for now, I am here but I am going to start getting organised with paperwork etc. and pack some essentials.

I dont believe he has cameras / key loggers / tracking on my phone. He wouldnt be logging into my phone if he was that sophisticated. He does know something is up as I have pulled away more than usual. But as long as I can bluff my way through, I can stick it out a bit longer. In theory, my inheritance may not come through for years (as its a trust), but actually i can decide myself as the trustee and executor as long as i have cooperation from the other trustees so could be anytime i choose (conveniently). I have a telephone appt tomorrow (he will be out) after which i will tell him it is locked away until the joint trustor dies (stepmum) which was one of the possibilities we had discussed.

In a funny way, each time he checks up on me, I feel like its another nail in the coffin. I keep leaving my phone deliberately just to see how brazen he is. He is so confident, he has been doing this years.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Sorry OP I wasnt hearing from you that you were in immediate danger. That's why I suggested keeping cool and leaving in a way that works for you. If you are you might be able to do an air bnb somewhere that you can be in for a few weeks.

But when you say you have no car key and aren't allowed to drive. That's serious abuse. He sounds like a very nasty piece of work and I really feel for you. I think the others are right to be concerned.

I also think soon you will need your own transportation - and of course does he just get to keep the car, the house, all money, and everything you own? I hope not. So glad it's in a trust and I really hope you can get this organised soon. Not this second, but not too far in the future either. Does your job know about him? They usually try to get you fired.

[OnceUponAMidnightBeery]

If he accelerates in any way ring 999. Can you contact your local police without him knowing and let them know you might be in danger?
Can you set up the silent alarm to 999? I’m afraid I don’t know the details but have seen it mentioned on here.

Please do not underestimate him. Use private browsing and delete all your history. Look into ways of deleting it permanently.

I’m worried you seem to be minimising the danger you’re in. If he suspects ANYTHING you are in great danger. He has already tried to strangle you, you’re better in a refuge (they have policies for safe houses in your type of case, if not the police will) your job, your inheritance, your desire not to relocate right now IS NOT WORTH RISKING YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHILDS LIFE.

Take it very seriously. Please don’t end up a statistic.

[REignbow]

He doesn’t let you have a car key..

He is VERY abusive. OP, whilst he is out could you buy a second phone and use this to call WA? If that isn’t possible at the moment, could you use a trusted friends phone when you visit them? Or get a friend or trusted relative to call them on your behalf?

I would also, book an appointment with your GP and tell them everything.

[C0RA]

Your situation is complicated because of his job. I strongly advise you to contact womens aid locally, you need expert advice.

He will sense that something is up so you need to say that you are feeling down/ Perhaps getting Depressed / maybe you are anaemic or some similar story. Also phone your Gp and tell her about the violence and that you plan to leave but your options are limited because of his job.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

"The most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive male partner, is when she leaves him.

Do not confront him.

Do not wait.

Strangulation is a key indicator of fatal abuse. You are in very serious danger and you need to leave as soon as you can.

Ring Women's Aid. Wait until he is out of the house and then pack a bag, take the baby and leave. WA are well-versed in abusers from all walks of life, including the emergency services - they will know how to handle this.

In the meantime you need to clear the browsing history and cookies on your phone."

What a PP said. It sounds like the abuse has been so bad you are almost desensitized to it, you sound more angry about the phone rather than the violence and paranoia. Just because he knows where the hostels are does not mean there are no other options. Womens aid will have helped other people in your situation before

[39suzy]

I am so annoyed with myself, I walked into the kitchen to find DH actually on my phone (I'd switched the app off the night before whilst i was on my phone and forgot to turn it back on... i had actually come down from upstairs to do that). I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing, I was paranoid....

Anyway, he hasn't touched it since but been a complete arsehole unsuprisingly.

I was working yesterday but made some enquries with lettings agents and contacted WA. They weren't really able to tell me much - suggested i contacted the police and gave me a local solicitor's details. I have asked them about pet fostering too.

I found texts going back a few years apologising for hisbehaviour (from the conversation it is clear that I have walked out after him blowing up and spent the day in John Lewis cafe... a favourite pastime when I had nowhere to go but needed to walk away!!) Plus I have the reports that he checks my phone. I think I would be able to prove to the police / social services he is a complete nutjob. He isnt here today so i am going to get copies of paperwork together today and get our marriage certificate too to put somewhere secure.

[Coffeecak3]

Take care. You're doing great.

[Wallywobbles]

Solicitors are not all equal. My 4th was absolutely amazing. She can turn my ExH into a raging monster in front of the judge in a few minutes. A thing of beauty. He took me to court a lot and every time he lost a bit more.