I caught DH snooping on me...

[39Suzy]

Well, this is a long one so apologies in advance.

DH for 6 years, together for 22 (yup) years. One DC aged 1.

He is an emotional abuser - i know this. He criticises everything i do, and everyone i know. He belittles me, treats me like shit, then apologises when I eventually lose it. As soon as I flip (and sometimes it can be days and days of 'you didn't put the iron back straight' or constantly leaving a toilet seat up deliberately deciding that actually, I put too many kidney beans in the chilli rendering it inedible), he laughs, says I have an anger problem, and puts all the blame on me.

He has been violent in the past, twice trying to strangle me - the last time about 3 years ago, the police were called and he was interviewed (nothing happenedas i wouldn'tgive a statementbut I know it's on record). The previous time was after my hen do - he accused me of sleeping with a colleague 12 years my junior, saw a photo on Facebook, came home from work and literally launched me across the room and pinned me against the wall by my neck. I managed to get him off me and ran. Each time he has sworn not to do it again.

He had counselling previously which works wonders but he has refused /lied about going in the last few years. Apparently, 'he can't help it'.

He is constantly accusing me of cheating- even last week (I literally go as far as our local shop 100m away without him at the moment) and for years has checked my phone and even threatened needing a paternity test all the way through pregnancy. I have confronted him before and once or twice he has admitted it and apologised. The irony is is that the week before we got married (and days after he tried to strangle me), i had a letter saying that he had been seeing someone. To be honest,i know it was someone he works with and dismissed it as a fib,someone that was just jealous but there was always a tiny doubt which he swore blind he was completelyinnocent. He has, when we have argued, told me that he has slept with prostitutes. I have no idea whether to believe it or not. He says later he just says it to hurt me.

So like I mentioned, he has periodically (i think) checked my phone... little questions like 'did you speak to anyone today' or 'have you heard of x lately' has led me to believe he has been logging into my accounts on and off (maybe more on than off). My last phone i had missed several messages inexplicably, as if someone had already read them so i didn't see any notifications. He put it down to a glitch whenever i asked him outright if he had read them. So... new phone arrives a few weeks ago, i always leave it around the house locked when i am off pottering or chasing the one year old (despite the accusations that it is always in my hand ). Over the weekend i had an inkling he had looked at it (phone moved and not on the same screen i had locked it on) so I Googled to see if you can get an app... and guess what, you bloody can. So i downloaded the app, and waited.....

Five times in 24 hours the CF has been on my phone snooping at messages and even who I called (and trust me,it's a dull list). And each time this app captures what he looked at, how long he spent, and even his ugly mugshot. I can't message friends about it as he reads every single message.

As far as I am concerned, I already knew this relationship was over. He is a nightmare to live with and it's just not fair on my baby. But how do I confront him?

My instinct is to wait at least a week or so and let the evidence build up then email it him at work and ask him to print it off (alongside divorce for unreasonable behaviour advice). No,i would not see the look on his face when he realises he has been caught out but actually, i think it would be the best option as otherwise he will just explode (can't do thatat work, he is front line emergency services).

And also, i want this resolving as amicably as possible- previously when I have suggested splitting he has threatened to take everything, even my baby off me (and says he has video evidence of me losingmy temper which I dont believe). My father passed away recently and he knows I will have an inheritance which he is already spending, but equally it has also given me the finances to set up on my own away from him.

Can I organise a petition for divorce without him agreeing to it? Can I force him to sell the house? Both are things previously he said he would refuse to do.

No idea where to start with it all...

[zeeboo]

You don't need to confront him. Get your documents together, make sure you hide some money in your name only then grab your baby and go!

[tradition]

@Suzy40

Where did I say he locked me in the bedroom 🙄

Monday 19.27 - you mention it in that post.
I hope you are ok, sounds awful

[MingeofDeath]

Is he a paramedic?

[RandomMess]

Please tell someone at work like your line manager, they can help you.

He is really escalating things quickly and may lose the plot and seriously injure or even kill you

Please go to the police. Don't risk leaving your DC without their Mum.

[ErickBroch]

Do not confront him. Contact Women's Aid for help escaping. This man will never willingly let you or your relationship go. I was in your position and leaving was horrendous - so many threats, violence, revenge porn, he was arrested numerous times, stalked me. You need help.

[Horehound]

Exactly, as if one poster getting a small detail wrong is terrible but not the husband threatening to kill her and having been violent in the past

Ffs priorities, op. Priorities.

[crispysausagerolls]

One night I said in the nicest possible way that I was worried and thought there was something up, I mentioned the day I physically caught him looking at my phone and he flipped

This is having a discussion with him - I agree with the PP I can’t see the fruitfulness of this. I’m not sure the eye rolling emoji to posters trying to help is warranted either.

It sounds dreadful and I hope you can leave ASAP.

[GracieLouFreebushh]

@Suzy40

[GracieLouFreebushh]

I would ring a good women's charity - if I remember rightly the one you called last time was no help so I would try a local one for advice around getting an occupation order or another order if that's what you're looking at. Also things have escalated since then and you also know what you want so the previous charity might be more help now. They do outreach and can help you plan. But to be honest your postings on here is evidence that you've told people, your friend, you have examples of what he has done and what he has said (it doesn't matter that it is not recorded). You also have the proof from the app of him checking your phone. You will need to make a sworn affidavit stating what has occurred. I found this link on the women's aid website:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/getting-an-injunction/#1447866217109-12d4503a-5a1a

If you cant find a helpful charity you could ask your GP for advice of who to speak to locally and also lodge your worries with GP - they should be aware of local services.

My relative had no evidence, had never called the police, never disclosed to GP and she absolutely was believed. A local refuge/women's support charity would have links with police experienced in DV and if you explain what his job is/was they would be very careful. It sounds like he's is escalating - he has threatened to kill you now and also damaged your phone and changed passwords - this is very serious!! I think you really need to look at leaving or him leaving ASAP. Leaving is the most dangerous time and he suspects something is up. Please be careful and consider deleting info from your internet history etc. Just because he has not yet been in it, does not mean he won't, especially if he thinks something is wrong.

Don't rule out a refuge. Please stay safe and act quickly. I wish you lots of luck with tomorrow x

[Suzy40]

Where did I say he locked me in the bedroom 🙄

[PasstheBucket89]

I second @Horehound get out of there!!! threatening to kill, locking you in the bedroom?

[Suzy40]

@Horehound no I don't, I recorded me relaying that he had done that and him denying it saying I had made it up.

[Horehound]

The threat of killing you...do you have that recorded?I'd e logging the threat with police anyway. Log fucking everything.

But I'll tell you what. If a man ever said that to me, i would be out of there like a shot.
I'm kind of screaming to you through my phone. Get the hell out of there and go to your friends. Work from her home and look after your baby there. Ffs.

[Suzy40]

@thebeachismyhappyplace2

What is the app called as I wouldn’t mind downloading it myself?

Wtmp (who touched my phone) details earlier in the thread

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

What is the app called as I wouldn’t mind downloading it myself?

[Suzy40]

@Skyla2005

Can he see this if his snooping on your phone ?

The app tells me what he looks at and so far, not IE

[Skyla2005]

Can he see this if his snooping on your phone ?

[Suzy40]

@MaraScottie that's what I am trying to do 😉

[MaraScottie]

Sorry Suzy, I just meant the part where you said you told him you thought something was up.

I know I'm not in your position, but I'd just be inclined to totally play nice, bite your tongue and not rock the boat, just until you can get everything lined up.

Wishing you all the best.

[Suzy40]

@MaraScottie I'm not discussing anything with him ?

@butterbean I could but that would give me little time before he came looking for me / made him suspicious and he started digging deeper. As I said in my post above, He is at work tomorrow which gives me time. And in my earlier posts I mention I have a work phone I can use whilst working without rounding suspicion for texting etc

[Butterbean11]

OP, can you take DC out for a walk and make calls to your friend re alternative accommodation while out of the house?? Just make sure you delete your call history.

[MaraScottie]

OP in the kindest way, why are you even in discussions with him! You cannot talk rationally to a man like that. Say nothing at all, keep him sweet until you have all your ducks in a row. Then make your move.

[Suzy40]

@GracieLouFreebushh do you know what sort of evidence I would need for a civil order?

Had to set up a new account (phone has been water damaged, now thinking deliberately and my PWs were all changed recently and are on that phone on a doc).

I have not been able to do much as we have been on leave, and TBH, he seemed to calm somewhat, stopped checking my phone, stopped picking at me. One night I said in the nicest possible way that I was worried and thought there was something up, I mentioned the day I physically caught him looking at my phone and he flipped. Started gaslighting, I'd ruined the week off etc. That blew over and then yesterday he did the same, I started getting a bit impatient, moved the dog from round my ankles and he lost his shit. Continued this morning and I actually videoed him (can't see anything but you can hear him). He made out he was calling the police accusing me of threatening to kill my child as I came upstairs and locked us both in the bedroom whilst I worked out what to do. He made out the police were on their way so I set my phone to record, he realised after a few minutes and grabbed it off my / my arm. Yesterday he said he would stay here until he killed me... in such a calm way, he is just a complete psycho. In the recording today I mentioned this and he just yelled that it wasn't true. To me it just sounds obvious he is lying as he is saying I am making it up, and he sounds so aggressive too.

Would this and the checking my phone be enough proof for an order given the previous history? He is at work tomorrow and I have a friend I have confided in who has been doing some research but I have not had chance to speak to her for 2 weeks as he has been here constantly.

I think I would go for a few days, get the temporary order, then a permanent one.

I got the house valued last week - it was his idea - so at least I know where I stand with that. He still thinks I would get nothing...

[Frankola]

Please dont confront him.
Sort out getting out of there and do so at the first opportunity.
Please leave, I'm genuinely scared for you and your child.

[GracieLouFreebushh]

@39Suzy you're doing great 😊