I have no idea who is right

[Cloudwatching57]

Firstly I apologise that this sounds so petty!! This has of course been magnified in lockdown.
We have been married 12 years, 2 children. In general I'm usually fairly happy, though there are things that are less than ideal that I've had to compromise on or deal with eg he is not social at all and doesn't like going out. So I do that alone/with friends.
An argument that rears its head again and again is this:
He says I am overly critical and contrary. So whatever he says, I take the opposite stance or raise the opposite end of the debate. He says I do this to put him down and treat him like a child.
I say there are several reasons for this -

1. He is incredibly negative a lot of the time and I simply can't agree with him that everything's so terrible.
2. We disagree about some things (perhaps a lot) and I don't see anything wrong with saying what I think.
3. I like to consider all sides of an argument and so will raise the other angle often - even if it's not my opinion, I'm just musing out loud.

He says I'm controlling and dictatorial about the house because I say no to some things eg chop down a tree. I point out other things around the house that he had decided on/had final word, but these are apparently small things.

This argument comes about because he has been very silent and moody, staying away from me around the house etc. I've been asking what's going on, why aren't we talking etc and he for days has said nothing's wrong. Finally today said I'm so critical/contrary and it makes him not want to talk to me.

Any thoughts?

This doesn't sound all that different to DH.
I often debate both sides of an argument and do it without even realising, playing devil's advocate etc.
I'm also very much about facts and objective truths, which has caused him to say I'm cold hearted on a few occasions?! And he'll go in moods and act like I'm being controlling and purposely contradictory.
It's gotten to times before when I've thought I just can't live like this, having to always check myself before I speak to my partner, or tread on eggshells. He could say whatever he wanted and I wouldn't bat an eye lid (unless it was obviously offensive).

I don't know what the answer is I'm afraid, OP, but I feel you!

Do you think he might be right?

Have you heard of attachment styles in relationships? Might be worth a google.

It’s not you, it’s him and he is not above projecting his own self onto you either. He is the one who is critical and contrary.

This reads like a thoroughly miserable relationship in which he is using his moods to to control you and the mood of this house. His actions are about power and control and this is abusive behaviour from him. He wants absolute over you here.

What are his parents like?. Chances are one of them acts like this too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them as adults to have a relationship like this, you would probably respond no.

You can disagree without being critical.

If he feels in some way under attack by your arguments, would it be possible to find a different way to express your opinions? I don't mind anyone disagreeing with me. But I would mind someone criticising and belittling me in order to disagree.

Have you had a lengthy discussion about why he feels this way? (As opposed to trying to persuade him that he wouldn't feel this way) Maybe ask him how he would prefer the discussion went?

If you posted this with the sexes reversed, he would be deemed to be controlling and you would be advised to leave.

The reality is that no one can possibly say as they are not there seeing both sides and living it.

It’s not you, it’s him

No it isn't. Most likely it is both of them.

Thank you all, your responses are helpful.
@AttilaTheMeerkat, I have wondered at times if what you say is true. I never knew his parents, they are both deceased. But my feeling is that he's poor at communication rather than manipulative, that he withdraws because he feels (rightly or wrongly) genuinely hurt by what he perceives as my criticism, then is eventually able to articulate what he's feeling.
I wonder whether he's right about me being critical. And yes, I think the answer is to find better or more sensitive ways to express myself.

Perhaps so, @SoupDragon

I really don't think I'm belittling when I disagree, just factual. By this point he is oversensitive (imo) to my disagreeing though, so any little disagreement counts.

An examplr is yesterday a jogger passed us and he said "When I see a jogget, I think 'why are you running, there's no point!'". I replied perhaps they think the same about his walking..? He thought this was me disagreeing whereas I'm not a big supporter of jogging, I was just pointing out the alternative viewpoint...so

He wants you to walk on egg shells. It must be exhausting

I was sort of with you until you said:

"When I see a jogger, I think 'why are you running, there's no point!'". I replied perhaps they think the same about his walking..?

There's something about this exchange that makes you seem snipey/critical rather than just "offering an alternative viewpoint". Maybe it's a build up of these kinds of comments that has now got his back up, to now be sensitive over the tiniest of criticisms/disagreements 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry but devil's advocate people are very annoying. Most people think so tbh. I've always thought people who do this are quite passive aggressive and unnecessarily antagonistic. I get that you won't always agree and it's important he understands that you are able to have your own opinions. But equally if you're picking at everything he says it's gonna get annoy quickly.

Why do you feel the need to constantly counter point everything?

Yes @rottiemum88, that's what I'm considering. I don't mean to be snipey, just good humouredly responding with what to me is an obvious response, but it's obviously coming across that way.

@artartart To me it just seems like conversation? It's the way I talk with my friends, weigh things up, consider other viewpoints.
It's very helpful to me to here these differing views.

Oop *hear
(I meant hearing your views on here)

When I see a jogger, I think 'why are you running, there's no point!'". I replied perhaps they think the same about his walking..?

That's not a very nice comment for him to make! If he regularly makes negative comments like this, I can see why you try to offer an alternative viewpoint to make him think!

It's very tiring being around someone who's constantly negative.

Maybe instead you could ask him 'why do you think it's pointless for him to jog? Is that a kind thought?' And see what happens.

Your third point in your posit and your example tell me YABU. When he comments on the jogger why not just laugh or agree or let it go in a lighthearted way? It sounds like he was being lighthearted but you made it an important matter that needs consideration of all view points. Like it’s an alternative ‘argument’. Which it’s not. It just comes across as being difficult. It would drive me a bit mad, to be honest.

Perhaps you both need acknowledge you are fundamentally wrong for each other and that your different personalities and views are never going to align. Neither one of you give the other what they need. It might be time to go your separate ways, because I can't see this environment being healthy for your children.

Do you think of yourself as quite intelligent? Just I'm quite well educated and have come across a few people like you. Who compulsively do the devil's advocate thing as as way of parenting they're having intellectual conversations.

I like to have conversations too but I have opinions I have developed from my knowledge of the world. Maybe we're just very different but I'd find it very annoying to have to counteract poorly thought out random thoughts and arguments constantly. Sounds exhausting. Which is maybe how your partner feel. I'm not sure you're well suited.

If my spouse said "Is that a kind thought?" to me, I'd be infuriated. It is incredibly patronising. Fair enough to say "How come?" and have a conversation, but I'd hate the added tone-policing.

No that’s not an obvious response, it was contrary, as you mentioned up upthread. There are times for debate and alternate views that just sounds like tit for tat sniping.

You write negatively about him, even your opening post is you showing how often you contradict him or give him the alternate view. If he has issues with self esteem and is sensitive to criticsm he won’t want to talk about it because he won’t want the confrontation.

He sounds very negative and like a pp, I can see why you would respond in an attempt to counteract his negativity, which he perceives an you being critical.

If I lived with someone who made negative comments like that all the time, it would drive me insane. I would have to respond to the contrary as I wouldn't want to be dragged down by his negativity or allow him to think I felt the same way.

Your response to his comment about joggers does sound really passive aggressive, OP. It was a pointlessly negative comment from him, but it's not going to help him be more positive to suggest that perhaps people think what he does is pointless, too. Why did you have to make it negative against him? There's so many other options. I think I would have said 'Gosh, really? I think it's great that people are exercising!'