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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really don't know what to do!

85 replies

Miss2009 · 01/06/2020 14:25

I'm a 32 year old female and I've been with my boyfriend, who is two years younger, for just over 10 years. Our relationship has never been plain sailing. We broke up a few times at the start of our relationship and got back together because we love eachother. I cut back on talking about marriage and having kids as he kept feeling pressured. Years went by and just before my 30th birthday I started talking about having kids in the future. He freaked out and said he never wants kids. This was a shock to me because I have always envisioned having a family, even more so with him, and the thought of not having that is heartbreaking. We talked about it some more and he said having kids is a possibility. Whenever we have a disagreement now, he goads me by saying he's never having kids with me and arrogantly smiles about it. I end up getting upset and think about ending the relationship. Then he apologises and we try to resolve the situation but he ends up saying, maybe, at the possibility of having kids again. Someone recently asked us if we have plans to marry and have kids in the future. I told them we talk about it and it's in our plans. However, his response was that kids weren't in his his plans and has apparently told family and friends that we don't plan on having kids. I feel that I should end the relationship and move on because the thought of not having children kills me. The thought of not being with him breaks my heart. My self esteem isn't great. He's been my one and only boyfriend. I feel if I leave him I won't find anyone else or have the family I've always dreamed of and end up alone for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/06/2020 14:27

He could string you along like this for another decade and you'll find it more difficult to conceive by then. I don't think he's serious about marriage or children

Gobbycop · 01/06/2020 14:29

Bin him.

Sorry to be blunt but he's dangling a carrot and using your desire to want kids as a way of control.

The fact he's goading you about it and says everything really.

That's cruel.

CuppaZa · 01/06/2020 14:32

This is him OP.
Go find someone else (which I promise you will do) and have a family. He’s wasted enough of your time. This is it, over and over if you stay with him

User002819532425 · 01/06/2020 16:39

I feel if I leave him I won't find anyone else or have the family I've always dreamed of and end up alone for the rest of my life.
And you know how many people that this has actually happened to?

I mean this in the nicest way but this is not a realistic prospect. If you want to worry about something, make sure you pick a truly lovely chap to settle down and have kids with!

I can't think of anyone I know who has failed to find someone new after a breakup, aside from one or two people who TBH are basically not that bothered and haven't been arsed to go look!

You're just fretting because everyone hates change (fair enough) but in your case there's so much to gain! Life is short! Cut yourselves both loose if it's not working!

Lillygolightly · 01/06/2020 16:54

Think about it OP, if he really wanted kids he wouldn’t be throwing out the I’m never having kids line so very easily in every argument.

He’s just keeping you hanging on and wasting your time. Next time he uses that in an argument I’d reply with yeah your right, I AM never having kids with you, so we are over. Mean it and move on, and DO NOT listen to him saying he didn’t mean it, or that yes he’ll start a family with you, but not now in 6/12 months or whatever time frame he is going to use. It will be a pack of lies, all of it, he won’t mean it. Also to add, if you did fall pregnant I would bet you don’t see him for dust.

Honestly, cut your losses while you can.

userabcname · 01/06/2020 17:07

You're 32. Leave him now and you've plenty of time to find someone else and have a baby. I know lots of women having their first mid-thirties. Your partner sounds like a dick to be stringing you on and throwing it in your face. Dump and move on!

Hotcuppatea · 01/06/2020 17:09

He's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want them with you. Listen to him.

willowmelangell · 01/06/2020 17:13

This is just so sad.
When you are upset he says whatever he needs to just stop you talking. That talk is literally, 'hot air'. It means nothing.

He is not going to change. He has told you and others his plans.
Either tell him to leave because you don't have a future together. Or make your plans to finance a new home for yourself. Soon.
His taunting you is just awful, vile.
Let yourself be free to meet someone who wants to create a family with you.

Let him be free to find that someone who never wants to be a mother.
If he did not want kids he would have a vasectomy. He does not want kids with you. He is keeping his options open and you are not one of his options.
I am so sorry Miss2009.

BertiesLanding · 01/06/2020 17:19

Why are you with a man that does this? It is not love, that's for sure.

vikingwife · 01/06/2020 17:25

The thought of not being with him breaks your heart. The thought of not experiencing parenthood breaks your heart.

Only you can decide what would hurt worse.

imgardening · 01/06/2020 17:27

It sounds very cruel of him that he keeps dangling the carrot and then snatching it away. It's very telling that his family and friends are under the impression you'll not be having children. I think you need to end things with him and find someone who's on the same page of you and treats you with the respect you deserve.

helpmum2003 · 01/06/2020 17:29

Leave him, the relationship is going nowhere and you've wasted lots of time already...

gamerchick · 01/06/2020 17:30

He's going to use up all of your childbearing years OP.

Could you cope if in time you split anyway and he goes on to have a baby with someone else while it's too late for you?

This has happened time and time again to multiple woman.

You know you need to end this relationship and move on if you want to have babies.

RenegadeMrs · 01/06/2020 17:35

If you want kids you need to go. And I don't say this lightly.

Children are hard and a shock to any relationship at first. If you try and have them with someone who doesn't want kids or is only paying lip service to the idea to keep you with him, your relationship will really struggle if you do ever have children with him.

If you stay and never have children would you end up resenting him?

NoMoreMuchin · 01/06/2020 17:39

To be honest I'd leave for his conduct regardless of whether you want children or not. Who taunts someone during arguments with the fact that they are planning to stop their partner having the one thing they know would make them happiest?
Get rid and hold out for someone who wants to see you get the desires of your heart, whatever they are.

Windyatthebeach · 01/06/2020 17:40

He is /has been stringing you along.
Ltb and don't look back.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 01/06/2020 17:41

This is the no brainiest no brainer I’ve ever read.

Your relationship has never been “plain sailing” probably means it’s been a shit show from the start. It doesn’t have to be like that, regardless of the kids thing.

He knows you want children and instead of doing the honourable thing and breaking up with you he’s using that knowledge to control you.

I realised during my last relationship that I didn’t want children, so we had to break up because he did. He’s now married with two kids. I’m now married to a fellow non-breeder. You’ve got plenty of time.

Shut it down. There are plenty more (better) fish in the sea.

Susanna85 · 01/06/2020 17:47

Leave him, very quickly.
There is still time to find someone else, fall in love, have a baby. But time is of the essence so don't faff around.

TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 17:50

He treats you badly. What we used to call mental cruelty

Bin him. Stop wasting time.

The sooner you leave the greater the chance of meeting someone who is right for you in time.

Stop talking to him about it. Total waste of time and energy. Make your plans to leave on your own and only share with him when the practicalities demand it.

What's your housing situation?

category12 · 01/06/2020 17:53

Dump him, he's wasting your time.

Whenever we have a disagreement now, he goads me by saying he's never having kids with me and arrogantly smiles about it. And this is gross and nasty, and makes him a right prick. You can do better!

He's keeping you hanging on, but realistically, he's told you in various ways repeatedly that he doesn't want children. He only says he does when he's trying to keep you sweet. You're fooling yourself. If you did get pregnant, I bet he'd make your life a living hell.

Get yourself out. Find someone nice.

chubbyhotchoc · 01/06/2020 18:16

You've already wasted ten years. Don't even consider wasting another ten minutes

alwaysanewlife · 01/06/2020 18:23

Agree with others. Cut your losses and leave. It's not just that he doesn't want kids, and he very clearly has not plans to have kids with you ever, but that he is so bloody vile to you. What sort of fucking nasty ass piece of crap throws in someone's face that they will never have kids with them? That's disgusting! And then he smirks about it?

That is one of the most horrible things I have heard on Mumsnet. There is just something so calculatingly deliberately cruel and revelling in the cruelty about it.

You're 32. You still have time. Leave. Put all your efforts into finding a new relationship now.

EKGEMS · 01/06/2020 18:28

Wouldn't shock me that he's had a vasectomy or knows he's sterile if he's so certain and arrogant

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/06/2020 18:33

or have the family I've always dreamed of and end up alone for the rest of my life

I know what you mean, OP, but please don't have children as 'companions for your old age.' You can have a family and still end up alone, you know. They will grow up and leave home one day.

But your BF sounds like an utter shit. Leave him and find someone nice.

Bluebellbike · 01/06/2020 18:36

I left my first husband when I was 33. We had a six year old DD. He wasn't cut out to be a father. I wasn't too bothered about a second DC, especially not with him as he want interested in our first. He said" you'll never find anyone else". He was wrong. I met a wonderful man, we married after a year and I had my DS when I was 36. We had a wonderful life together but my second DH sadly died when I was 48, 12 years ago. Our son is as amazing as his Dad and I'm so glad he was born.
There is no reason you won't meet someone amazing OP.