Am i bad, a bitch and totally stupid for doing this?

[HayleyWayley]

I have been with Jamie for 9 years, we have 3 kids, we are not married!

For years i have been chatting to male friends online...and since april i have become particularly close to this guy from southampton, i am in portsmouth, i hvent met him yet but i feel a very strong connection to him ..hes sexy funny and caring...i really fancy him, i know its wrong...i love jamie and everything, but i cant help flirting with this guy... he wants us to meet and he says he has fallen for me ( can u fall for someone u never met?) i have strong feelings for him too but i feel silly saying it coz u will all probably say '''how can u if u have never met?'''

I am a sahm so all i do all day ( while baby sleeps) is chat to him... i have been so bad as to let him have my number...we hardly text but we did in the beginning...

Jamie knows i chat to him and has seen some convos we have had ( forgot to delete them) he hates it and says why am i doing it?

well i dunno, it started off as boredom to pass the time but now i have got to know this guy and i cant go theu a day without chattin to him.. he makes me feel good!

I am after constructive crtitism and advice.. idont care if ur harsh.. maybe its the kick up the ass i need!

Was wondering if anyone has been in similar situations

Just wanted to say, I hope it's not the same one I am chatting to from Southampton!

yes i do need to grow up!

i wanted u all to be honest and u have so thanks!

priness-- sorry i was relating to what scooobydoo said.. not ur friend!

horsey woman.. whats his name? lol

bubbla... i know i would feel very unattractive if jamie did the same, i know i have double standards, its become such an addiction over the past 5 years its become my life.. but im honestly takin into consideration everything u have all said.. u made me realise what a total bitch im being!

It's ok, I was just trying to make the point that you might not be the only one. I don't mean that to sound harsh, and I suppose the same is true in real life, but I really hope he isn't saying these things to someone else as well. You are not a bad person, but this does signal something wrong in your relationship that you might want to look at first.

hayley u r jeapordizing ur family for an online infatuation....do u think that taking things further with this bloke is going to make ur life any better.stop being so feckin wet and look at what you've got to lose....you cant have everything in life, it just doesnt work that way

at least you are seeing this for waht it is

a fantasy that is in grave danger of blowing your world apart and that of your DCs

i imagine he is bragging about you to his mates in a most unflattering way

Yes, I think this thread serves as a reminder to us all. Online people aren't always what they seem. You build up an image of what you WANT them to be like - and I am not just talking looks - and you use what they say and infer as evidence that these traits exist, ignoring things they say that bely these traits. It's really dangerous because real life men can't in any way live up to that, can they? Jamie will pee on the loo seat and leave his shitty pants round the house... but he is there and helping you bring up three children.

very true

he is 13

im tellin ya lady open ur eyes and smell the feckin coffee.......the most ur gonna get out of him is a shag and a broken relationship,u will end up on ur own crying in ur pillow wondering why the fuck you did it

i know i just cant stop thinking bout him

i am sad i know!

Your not a bitch, your just bored being home with a little one all day.
You just need some adult attention during the day.
Could you get a part time job or join a toddler group or something?
Boring i know, but gives you some adult conversation, which i think is the problem here.

HayleyWayley:

You are not a bitch. I have been dragged into this kind of thing myself. Bored at home, house extension driving me mad, house always a mess, stressed with work stuff, little arguments and hardly ever do anything other than routine together. It can be dangerous, but only if you don't be aware of the negatives about the other person, and know exactly where the line is drawn. If you don't agree with divorce/separation and you have children, and for practical reasons those things aren't an option, a FRIENDSHIP with someone who can offer you compassion and lend an ear, can be positive, but only if you find someone who doesn't expect anymore than that. It's hard for me to say much without sounding like a bitch myself (as if I care!), but when things at home are bad, but for whatever reason you can't leave, then sometimes a friendship with another man (or woman) can fill in the gaps, make you feel more contented in general and save your own relationship. There's also nothing wrong with fantasies. But wild sex, secret meets... they're probably a step too far.

Tell him it's over. Block his email address. It's that simple. Not easy but simple.

Have some respect for your partner, your children and yourself.

horsey woman- u have hit the nail on the head there! totally!

i have been to toddler groups bfore and i didnt enjoy it.. plus when u join everyone seems to know everyobe, and coz im shy...i found it hard to join in convos so i got completly ignored... the only person i know with kids is my sister so i could ask her to come with me i guess!

i havent got the time to do a course or anything, i hardly get a break.. only when baby sleeps.. i am mentally exhaused and i dunno how doing a course wud help me.. infact i think i would struggle

i know it sounds like im making excuses. but im not...i did a college course back in 1998 and completed a btec in chilcare so i really dont wanna have to go back to all that studying again.. i hated it back then..let alone now.. when i have a house to run and kids to look after!

imagine how lost and vulnerable you would feel if the lovely real life and real relationship that you have is taken away from you.

No amount of thrill could ever compensate for the loss of your family life.

hard as it is to resist the flattery and the boost to your self-esteem, you are playing with fire and gambling what sounds like a lovely family life.

But seriously, HayleyWayley, be very very careful. and take note of what people are saying about damaging your family. It's not all roses either, cause when you find out that person isn't what you think and they are doing the same with umpteen other women, it feels like a knife in the gut! Honestly. Even though you are just friends, it feels like a betrayal and like you're not really all that to them. Take it from someone who just found out in a really stupid way - I should have been a lot more careful about it. But I am married and we love each other, so the stupid thing is, I didn't want anything more than friendship anyway! Just seems the other person wasn't all that taken with what I did have to offer. So be careful.

chipkid....i know i do have a grEAT family and im jeopardising it for some guy online..sounds so pathetic doesnt it?

i have no confidence or self worth most of the time and even tho jamie pays me compliments i never believe him.. but if i hear it off other ppl im on a high.. and i guess i have gotten addicted to the rush and the thrills and the lovely compliments...and i need to hear them everyday.. i guess thats how all this internet chatting started!

horseywoman- im very interested in what u have to say coz u have been in same situation as me! so have u stopped chattin to men online now?

"you know those 8 balls..the ones you ask a question and shake them and your answer appears...and you interprete how you want to?

Thats what an online flirtation with someone you have never met is like..."

LOL ain't that the truth

great post there

Hi HW

Well, when I was really ill and stuck at home, during my degree studies, I got chatting to another trainee teacher and we sent some flirty IMs, texts and emails, pictures, but never met. It just kept me alive during a time when I just wanted to die.

But in July this year I met another bloke online. Since I had been ill there had been something missing from my relationship, but I loved my DH so much, I didn't want to leave him. Conversely, I couldn't face having an affair because I love him. So I just got to chatting to this bloke, again online. Made me feel the things my husband stopped making me feel a long time ago. But I wasn't so daft as to think those feelings would last, or that he meant some of the things he said. I knew he had a family and he knew I did. But we developed a trust for each other, became friends, chatted on msn for a few weeks, and texts and pictures. Sometimes he wouldn't reply and would say he'd been busy, which was fine because he has a family and works!!! It was always more than the conventional friendship, but would never have gone past that, and we would probably never have met. But I worked out that he was doing the same with other women... and MEN! You know, telling them how sad and unhappy he was, how his sister knew about them and she wouldn't tell anyone because she was just happy he wasn't sad anymore, that you're intelligent, pretty, sexy etc That they wish somehow things were different and neither side were married and could maybe some day meet. This has all just happened so I am still a bit sore from it. I mean, I am distancing myself, blocked him from my phone and msn, will ignore emails, as from experience I know he can snap if he is grumpy, and I am just going to cold turkey and hopefully things will resume as normal. I've given up on online, male friendships now, because by and large, they aren't interested in just offering compassion, listening etc. They want to be in your knickers behind their wives' backs. I still need the things my husband can't give - affection and passion, but I'm damned if I will find it online again.

This is rushed because I am on my way out, but you could leave an email addy and I will mail back later.

oh hun im sorry..how did u find out tho?
((((((hugs))))))))

i dont think all men are like that.. everyone gives guys online a bad name but i have met some really nice guys on there ...and i have met some right tossers.. so i can tell the difference!

dont let it make u think all men are like that though.. i know ppl who are married to men they met on the net and have kids etc so there can be happy endings...

im sorry ur hubby cant give these things to you! xxx

can we put our msn on here?

I met my husband online. We had a fab time. But I was ill and he was my carer for a while, which changed the dynamics of our relationship. We love each other and we do care about each other; there are so many things we do give to each other, but life is so short and fragile, and I need to feel alive.

Not sure actually. Maybe we can't. I didn't put mine in case he reads this site!

I found out kind of accidentally but I kind of already had doubts and so was unconsciously snooping. It was like a knife in the stomach, but now I am just angry and my obsession is slowly lifting.