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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i bad, a bitch and totally stupid for doing this?

117 replies

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 12:03

I have been with Jamie for 9 years, we have 3 kids, we are not married!

For years i have been chatting to male friends online...and since april i have become particularly close to this guy from southampton, i am in portsmouth, i hvent met him yet but i feel a very strong connection to him ..hes sexy funny and caring...i really fancy him, i know its wrong...i love jamie and everything, but i cant help flirting with this guy... he wants us to meet and he says he has fallen for me ( can u fall for someone u never met?) i have strong feelings for him too but i feel silly saying it coz u will all probably say '''how can u if u have never met?'''

I am a sahm so all i do all day ( while baby sleeps) is chat to him... i have been so bad as to let him have my number...we hardly text but we did in the beginning...

Jamie knows i chat to him and has seen some convos we have had ( forgot to delete them) he hates it and says why am i doing it?

well i dunno, it started off as boredom to pass the time but now i have got to know this guy and i cant go theu a day without chattin to him.. he makes me feel good!

I am after constructive crtitism and advice.. idont care if ur harsh.. maybe its the kick up the ass i need!

Was wondering if anyone has been in similar situations

OP posts:

Yorkshirepudding · 21/09/2007 13:10

Message withdrawn

PhoenixSongbird · 21/09/2007 13:10

'thats also whats stopping me.. i dont wanna fall for him even more, i been there before and it nearly cost me my relationship!'

muppetgirl · 21/09/2007 13:11

I also think

good god you would go ballistic if it were the other way round!

(and if not, then that says a little of how you feel about Jamie)

Wisteria · 21/09/2007 13:11

agree with dropdeadfred completely, sahm with dcs are an easy target for no commitment shagfests - tis true. There are plenty of man who prey on the weak moments we may have.

I bet you, even if you did start seeing him he would not encourage you to leave your dp, and if you did he would run a mile. It's not fair on your dp. If you left him you would have to go back to work as you can guarantee that the new chap would not be very enamoured at having to support 4 extra mouths to feed.

It sounds to me as though you are a teensy bit bored of your dp as he is a bit of a doormat and you fancy a bit of bastarditis as I like to call it - been there done that, the t-shirt really isn't worth having!
Can you try to liven up your own relationship?
Try to avoid chatting to him and chat to us instead!!

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:11

lulu.. i know what u mean... i guess its the build up for him.... him thinking the sex would be great...coz hes waited so long then f**king off when hes had me.... he said he would only want more.. but i said yea bullshit ud drop me like a hat.. so im kinda got my guard up about it all....

OP posts:

lulumama · 21/09/2007 13:12

hayley

stop it and stop it now

you are a grown woman with children to think of. think of their faces when Daddy walks out the door becasue Mummy cheated on him.

because that is the way you are heading

get a baby sitter, go out with DP, go on a date, remind yourself why you are with him. have a bottle of wine and get nekkid with him !

or end the relationship

you have choices, and you have the power to make or break this.

so grow up and do one or the other

lulumama · 21/09/2007 13:13

this man has no business doing this, he is preying on you and that is not a nice characteristic in a person. preying on their weak spots.

Yorkshirepudding · 21/09/2007 13:13

Message withdrawn

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:16

thanks everyone u have really given me the kick up the backside i need! xxx

i dont deserve jamie at all... like i said i have cheated on him before, f**k knows why hes still here.. hes mad.. i do reallyl ove him but i think ur right wisteria.. i am bored and i guess im teyin tp spice up my life abit which is totally wrong and i know that!

but havin takien all of ur advice into mind...its made me think differently!

OP posts:

mytwopenceworth · 21/09/2007 13:16

You know what else - he may say he's single, but I bet he's not.

This is a fantasy, for you and him.

If you don't want Jamie, then let him go, but don't push push push at him because you want some drama or declaration of passion, or whatever you think you need to see from him....he will leave you. Is that what you want?

You imply that you have done this before.

A relationship is not all passion and hearts and flowers. An adult relationship is love, respect and - yes - the boring day to day life stuff.

No matter who you are with, that's how it goes, because that first flush of all consuming passion gives way to REAL LIFE.

You want Jamie to go all caveman and "hands off my woman", but instead he is tolerant, forgiving and loving.

That is the type of man a woman needs, not some shag-a-day bastard who puts his jollies above all else.

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:17

thanks lulu u are so right!

i really wasnt expecting anyone to care to reply.. probably heard it all before crap lol

but honestly thanks again!

OP posts:

lulumama · 21/09/2007 13:18

this is a bit of a raw nerve as i am watching my best friend going through hell after her DH of 10 years has left, for someone else. the whole thing is a nasty, sorry mess, lives are ruined. the kids are shattered. she is shattered. people will be hurt. and you will be the one in the wrong if you do this.

NappiesGalore · 21/09/2007 13:18

you are looking for condemnation from us to stop you doing it arent you? have you asked yourself why that is?

your behaviour is bad, you are behaving like a bitch and your behaviour is totally stupid (and naive!)

but that doesnt mean you are. i think you have the strengh of character in there to sort yourself and your life out. small steps- and caring and consideration for and with your partner...or not if thats what you want...

stop trying to force circs to make hard decisions for you. take life by the horns and determine your own future.

and fgs, the internet guy will not be seen for dust should jamie leve and you want him to move in. trust us on that.

lulumama · 21/09/2007 13:18

please do the right thing, by him, your DCs and you.

you are worth more than this

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:20

mytwopenceworth...yes i cant defo say he is single, maybe he isnt.. but u can kinda get a good judge of charachter from speakin to someone for years! so i think he is!

i couldnt cope alone, i love jamie to bits... i couldnt bring up 3 kids alone.. that should be enough to make me stop..i guess im naive in thiking jamie wud never leave..but ur right.. he could just decide hes had enough....and go....
then i would regret it and hate myself!

OP posts:

MadMumsy · 21/09/2007 13:21

Just come in on this conversation and all I can say is been there - done that. I felt the same, it is lovely to hear your phone and know that someone is thinking of you. Hearing their voice etc,etc.

It really hurt when it all finished, and it has taken ages to get over it but for the sake of the children. My daughter found a rather 'naughty' text message and walked out of the house - it was an awful time. I thought I loved him and all the rest but it had to end........

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:22

nappies galore.. coz i have noone else to chat to and advise me on this.. i dont trust my own thoughts n opinions ( cant think of the right word)

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 21/09/2007 13:24

Just think of the kids, and what it will do to them if their dad leaves (which he has every right to, if this goes any further).

lulumama · 21/09/2007 13:25

what is your gut instinct hayley? you say you don;t trust yourself, but the fact that you titled this, 'am i bad, a bitch, totally stupid' indicates you do know this is wrong, but yuo want either endorsement to carry on or a firm STOP IT NOW, when really you know it is wrong, but you are not allowing yourself to listen to your inner voice as the thrill you are getting is overriding it.

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:29

ur right lulu i know its wrong...i think every day what im doin is wrong n how upset id feel if jamie did it.. im guess i lookin for a firm STOP IT NOW or ' i been there before' and ' look what happened to me'

yes its that little inner voice saying ' carry on. jamies at work ,what he dont know wont hurt.. ur havin fun so why stop' grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:30

merry... i guess i havwent thought too much into the scenorio of him leavin n what it wud do to kids.. coz i think that would never happen!

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 21/09/2007 13:30

Also, think you are living in the present and strongly ignoring the consequences of your behaviour. How many of us 'risk' getting a parking ticket? If you saw a parking attendant patrolling along the street, you would think again, because the consequences would be clear. You are risking your kids' and Jamie's happiness (and no doubt yours as well), but not really thinking about what WILL happen if continue like this.

Marriages break up, for good reasons, but imo, a little thrill is not a good enough reason. Just have a serious think about how each child would react to their Dad leaving, every time you are tempted. How would you cope as a single Mum with 3 kids? Etc.

warthog · 21/09/2007 13:30

he's after a shag. stop chatting to him and start spending time with your dp, who is a saint and deserves your respect.

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:31

he didnt leave me before... and im thinking he would never find out....( if i did it again) how f**king stupid is that?

god i hate myself!

OP posts:

Original poster

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 13:33

he is a saint.. hes too perfect, maybe thats what im doing this? need a bit of bad in my life!

im really thiking now.. i cant chat to him anymore... ur right its not worth it is it... 9 yr reltionship endin over a silly fling

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