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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i bad, a bitch and totally stupid for doing this?

117 replies

HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 12:03

I have been with Jamie for 9 years, we have 3 kids, we are not married!

For years i have been chatting to male friends online...and since april i have become particularly close to this guy from southampton, i am in portsmouth, i hvent met him yet but i feel a very strong connection to him ..hes sexy funny and caring...i really fancy him, i know its wrong...i love jamie and everything, but i cant help flirting with this guy... he wants us to meet and he says he has fallen for me ( can u fall for someone u never met?) i have strong feelings for him too but i feel silly saying it coz u will all probably say '''how can u if u have never met?'''

I am a sahm so all i do all day ( while baby sleeps) is chat to him... i have been so bad as to let him have my number...we hardly text but we did in the beginning...

Jamie knows i chat to him and has seen some convos we have had ( forgot to delete them) he hates it and says why am i doing it?

well i dunno, it started off as boredom to pass the time but now i have got to know this guy and i cant go theu a day without chattin to him.. he makes me feel good!

I am after constructive crtitism and advice.. idont care if ur harsh.. maybe its the kick up the ass i need!

Was wondering if anyone has been in similar situations

OP posts:
lulumama · 21/09/2007 13:34

people do get hurt

and they will

this is a dangerous and nasty game, you have got away with cheating once, and for some bizarre reason, you want to push your luck.

trust me, if you do get it on with this guy, and your DP leaves, you won;t get a whole lot of support when the sh*t hits the fan

MerryMarigold · 21/09/2007 13:34

sorry, if came out harsh! we all make mistakes, but it's worse if it's pre-meditated (ie. you know you are doing wrong, but still risking your kids' happiness).

you sound a bit bored (how? with 3 kids? I can't cope with 1!). but maybe you should get out a bit more in the day and don't turn computer on till evening. if it's on, it does get tempting. and sounds like you are a bit addicted to this, so you need to make easier on yourself not to be tempted to chat to him.

lulumama · 21/09/2007 13:36

jesus , you are lucky to have this guy..and you want to throw it away for a shag

get a grip

he is a devoted loving husband and father, you have the luxury of being a SAHM, and whilst his baby sleeps, you are pursuing and being pursued by another man.

have you not seen all the heartbroken threads here from women whose partners have doen the dirty, or abuse them , or neglect them or hurt them

adn you want a bad boy

come on, you are not 15 anymore, you have DCs to think of

mytwopenceworth · 21/09/2007 13:40

Look at your children and plan your explaination for when they ask you...

"Mummy. Why doesn't Daddy live here any more?"

And if that doesn't make you stop and come to your senses, then I think there's no hope at all.

MerryMarigold · 21/09/2007 13:41

Hayley. Why don't you tell us know how each child would react. Imagine it and write it down. It will help make it real.

PhoenixSongbird · 21/09/2007 13:49

Because Jamie is 'soft' do you think he doesn't really love you? If he threatened to kill the other bloke and you, would you think he does love you?

Forgive me if this isn't true, but you are very young to have three children, and does a part of you feel like you haven't had that 'late teens/early 20s shagging left right and centre' thing? You and Jamie have been together since you were 18, which is young to start a lifelong relationship. I know it's not as simple as this, but do you think it could be a factor?

Original poster
HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 15:40

i wantedk ids young.. i think its where we bothl ost our virginity to each other and hes only slept with me n i only slept with him and 1 other!

i guess its ' is the grass greener' question that pops up in my head!

the kids wud be upset i know.. i have been imagining how they wud feel if j left! its a horrible thought!

OP posts:
Original poster
HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 15:42

but yes i think its defo a factor in all this.. havin had jamie since i was 17.. i havent had the experience of other men!

OP posts:
angipoo · 21/09/2007 15:44

hayley...plain and simple....DONT DO IT!!!!!
STOP IT NOW!imagine the heartbreak it would cause all round?

expatinscotland · 21/09/2007 16:11

How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot, and it were your partner doing this?

If the answer is 'gutted', then you need to step away from this bloke.

NOW.

Not to mention the fact that, when you decide to have and keep kids, you also have to consider them when making adult decisions about your own life.

Original poster
HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 16:12

yes i know what u mean..thanks everyone for the great advice!

will keep u all updated ( if ur interested)

im really gonna do this!

i feel very optimistic now!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/09/2007 16:12

and FWIW, the grass is BROWN. you slept with two men, if you think it's worth it to blow apart your entire family to shag around, then i feel sorry for your partner and kids.

because it's not.

lulumama · 21/09/2007 16:41

all you need to do is delete his phone number, email, msn, any way he you have of contacting him

change your email and phone number if you are not able to block or ignore his calls

it will be worth it

Original poster
HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 17:45

HE NEVER CALLS ME OR TEXTS ME NOW ANYWAY!
I DELETED IT AGES AGO! SO I CAN BE GOOD IN THAT RESPECT! LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 17:46

all i have is his msn i have to explain to him first while im doing this.. dont wanna just igonre him! hes been nice to me!

then ill block him!

thanks xx

OP posts:
lulumama · 21/09/2007 17:49

erm, you owe him NOTHING

you owe yourself, your DP adn your DCs a lot more

if you contact him to explain, it gives him another chance to suck you back in, and to sweet talk you

if you just block him, hopefully he will get the message he has overstepped the mark and it is over

lulumama · 21/09/2007 17:51

erm, you owe him NOTHING

you owe yourself, your DP adn your DCs a lot more

if you contact him to explain, it gives him another chance to suck you back in, and to sweet talk you

if you just block him, hopefully he will get the message he has overstepped the mark and it is over

Original poster
HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 18:03

yes i know what u mean hun but i cant just ignore him

coz i would hate to be ignored!

he wont suck me back in i wont let him!

OP posts:
ScoobyDooooo · 21/09/2007 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PrincessGoodLife · 21/09/2007 18:15

my former neighbour (single mum with 2 kids) did the same as you - chatted for ages with a guy online (also from Southampton actually), started texting him, and eventually they met and although there was no relationship he was always coming to visit her without warning... he got very creepy indeed. She managed to ditch him (she never told me how) when she realised there was something not quite right with the way his life was becoming so centered on her and her kids.

I'm not one for jumping to conclusions about people and ditrusting them but, Hayley, BE CAREFUL.

Original poster
HayleyWayley · 21/09/2007 18:17

omg thats awful....im sorry for your friend!

i wouldnt say im that addicted like her.. i dont spend all day chatting, only the 2 hrs charlie sleeps, but i can see your point!

OP posts:
lulumama · 21/09/2007 18:19

hayley, you have to start as you mean to go on, you owe your DCs more than this

they are worth more than the feelings of this man

PrincessGoodLife · 21/09/2007 18:22

no, she wasn't chatting all day. It was a bit in the evenings a few times a week so not an addiction, just a bit of company really.

Chickhick · 21/09/2007 18:23

You are acting like a spoilt cow and you know it too. Grow up and get over yourself.

I would advise that you keep yourself busy and stay off the internet, it is for saddo's doncha you know?

Seriously enrol on a part time course, education broadens the mind and will give you confidence. Embarking on an internet affair will destroy your family and in years to come you will deeply regret your actions whatever the outcome.

bubblagirl · 21/09/2007 18:40

i think it becomes boring and you dont feel as desired being stuck at home but i'm sure dp isn't having the best time going to work either this is where the effort needs to be made when he comes home and your not making it obviously

i know to you this guy is great and exciting but in reality you would become just as bored ass you would still be stuck at home while he was at work if you were to go with him then what another guy on the net make your relationship exciting again i didn't think i'd feel satisfied in mine again as all had turned bit stale but i make a concious effort to make an effort for him and all is so good again

and if he was doing this how unattractive would you ffel and how pissed off would you be leave this infatuation alone thats all it is its naughty you shouldn't be doing it there for its exciting but as i say if you were to be with him boredom will set in as your situation would be no different

make your relationship work you sound like you have a good man as technically you are cheating on him with this other guy do something special for your man when baby is asleep take time to do something nice for the man who is out hard grafting for his family