Handhold- he chose alcohol over our relationship

[redstripewidow]

DP has a drinking problem. It all came to a head recently and I told him that if he doesn't make an attempt to deal with the issues we will have to end the relationship.

He has taken me at my word and has been sleeping on the sofa for the past week, (he can't leave due to CV19) he won't touch me and is trying to "emotionally distance" us from each other as much as possible in order to make it "easier"

I'm almost constantly on the verge of tears, I can't believe that he is so unwilling to make any effort for the sake of our relationship, and is happier to drink himself to death.

I have contacted alcohol support services and the local authority, and the LA have agreed to assess him for a residential rehab- but when I told him this he just shrugged, he doesn't want to do it.

I feel heartbroken, and like all the things I expected in our future have been stolen from me....we have been so happy, I don't want to lose my best friend/relationship.

He hasn't chosen alcohol over you, he's addicted and unwell. You can't make him get help if he doesn't want it/feel able to but please don't take it as an indicator of anything to do with you. It isn't.

I know that- and he knows as well- it just hurts so bloody much, I wish he would accept the help...

I suppose it would be easier if he could actually leave, it's so hard being in the same house but not being ourselves, we are both miserable...but I'm waking up every morning in the hope he has come upstairs in the night, I just want it all to be ok but I know that's childish and it's not that simple.

I can't live with an alcoholic, and he won't get help.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
If you state this man is your best friend/relationship it does not bode much for what your other relationships have been like. You need to raise your relationship bar here urgently upwards. You are now being dragged down by him.

Did you yourself see heavy or otherwise problematic drinking at home?.

This relationship is really at an end; he has and will continue to choose alcohol over you. His primary relationship is with drink and its not with you, it never has been with you either. He is an alcoholic and you need to remember the 3cs pertaining to alcoholism i.e you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Are you codependent in relationships too; I ask as this and alcoholism go hand in hand.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and here you are trying to be both. Such approaches do not work and will not work either and will do much harm to you (all enabling does is give you a false sense of control). He does not want a rehab place and he does not want your help or support. Rehab would likely fail too because he is not wanting help. Only HE can help himself here and he does not want to nor wants your help or support.

Help your own self instead by moving out and rebuilding your own life without him in it. Al-anon are worth contacting here

He's manipulating you, trying to make a point.

There's no reason why if your finances permit it, one of you can't move out. Moving is permitted, so is staying elsewhere long(ish) term.

I don't drink alcohol for my...

Ask him to leave. He must have somewhere to go.

He's attention seeking.

What is the situation too re the finances and property?.

Wow attila- I won't come to you for a cuddle!

We have been close friends for 15 years before being in a relationship, that is why he is my best friend- we have so much in common and have many shared experiences.

It's my house, sole name, I'm not going anywhere.

He can't go anywhere as he is unable to
Work due to CV19, and has no savings. I'm sure he could find a sofa to stay on....

Oh....no alcohol/drugs in my childhood- healthy relationship with parents etc.

Possibly co-dependant?? I don't know, I'm not always in a relationship/ don't need a man.... but this is a head/heart scenario.

I can't help loving this stupid man, and it's not going to be easy to stop while he's sleeping on my sofa

You do not need a cuddle from me. You need straight talking and this man will continue to drag you down with him should you have him in your life now.

He does not have to stay with you and he is also unlikely to be able to work also due to drunkenness. Let him find a sofa to sleep on, where he goes now is not your problem.

Alcoholism is a disease, your DP will probably need to reach rock bottom before he seeks help for his addiction. Just now he’s not at this stage as he’s got a home, food etc. and a partner who is enabling him and trying to rescue him. Most rehab facilities will only accept an addict who has regularly accessed 12 step meetings i.e. Alcoholics Anonymous, this is to demonstrate that the addict wants to recover.
You can seek support for yourself from Al-Anon, they have a helpline, website and online meetings. Face to face meetings are temporarily suspended due to the pandemic.

Your heart cannot rule your head here. After all its your brain you think with, not your heart.

Read about codependency in relationships here; look how you have tried to enable him to date. It has not helped him, won't help him and it certainly will not help you. All enabling does is give you is a false sense of control.

I would also urge you to read this article-
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

(((HUG)))

He's made his choice (and yes it is a choice not to accept help) his choice is no reflection on you

I've been where you are and it's shit. I let him stay until I found him a flat and I gave him loads of stuff for the flat and money, I lived him. But he didn't appreciate any of it and I was still a bitch for kicking him out, until he needed something...

Honestly, save YOURSELF, tell him he needs to move out this weekend. He will find somewhere to go. You can't 'fix' him. I knew that, I just wish I'd truly believed it much sooner!

You don't stop loving them, you just have to learn to put your needs first. It's hard, but necessary x

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. This man could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

I would also encourage you to contact Al-anon by phone, they are very helpful to people affected by another's drinking.

Thank you- I will read the article @AttilaTheMeerkat and will do some reading on co-dependency, I will try to steel myself to do something about it this weekend...

It's so bloody hard and horrible. Such a waste of person, I know I can't help.

Indeed you cannot fix him. Do not keep on setting yourself up to do so because it won't work.

OP, painful as it is, by doing this he had at least, at last maybe, acknowledged that he is an addict and that he cannot give you a relationship.

Attila has spelled out the very real facts, traps and put falls of being in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Thank goodness you have your independence wrt your house etc,

Life never gets better with an alcoholic, only worse.

I know: in my 20d I had an 8 year relationship with a drug and alcohol dependent person. There was always a ‘yes but..’, an optimistic belief in the promises, the declarations of eternal love. But the incidents got increasingly worse, the debt more debilitating, the squalor and sordidness of the situation (metaphorically mostly, but the sickly reek of drink, the public obviousness...).

Is there really nowhere he can go?

Thank you @IncrediblySadToo

He has got a sort-of stepfather...could possibly stay there. I will try to speak with him this evening

Addiction alters your brain chemistry. It is a heath issue and an illness. That doesn't mean you should take responsibility for another person but it also doesn't mean they have 'chosen' alcohol over you or that you should not feel empathy or sadness.

If he doesn't want (or feels unable) to get help, he will need to move out as it is not a good situation for you to be in and will not really be helpful for him either.

It is a waste of a person, and it is understandable that you grieve for the ‘what might have been’.

But by ‘looking after him’, housing him and giving him a relationship you may also be enabling him.

And actually if he looked at your, looked at your relationship and decided not to get help then yes, he has chosen not to accept your ultimatum.

So, don’t give him any more of yourself. To him or to his addiction.

Anorexic people don't just choose to try and starve to death and depressed people don't just choose to commit suicide because they can't be arsed to get better and don't love people enough to try

They're illnesses. Extremely complex, very much neurochemically based and often, initially triggered by trauma.

That doesn't mean you sacrifice your happiness in trying to help or you enable their illness or think you can 'save' them as you usually can't but it's a really shitty situation for everyone involved. Including the unwell person.

You are right @BeingonFBdoesntmakeittrue

He is depressed, possibly bi-polar, hopelessly addicted and mentally very unwell. It's not an active choice, even if he thinks he is.

I've just spent my break writing out a long letter (lots of scrawled our bits) I know what I need to do, but fuck it hurts.

I feel like I am condemning him to carry on killing himself, but in reality the only difference is he will do it in less comfortable surroundings :(

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Great posts 👍

You are on the road to nowhere.

Not your responsibility to house him.

Have some self respect.

He has shown you who he is.

An alcoholic.

Get him out of your house today.

No doubt he will make promises when he sees you are serious.

He thinks you're a MUG.

That's why he's treating you like one.

OP, please take on board AttilaTheMeerkat’s advice. She is completely right in every respect, as are the other previous posters. My DH was an alcoholic. You cannot ‘save’ them and I would not wish life with an addict on anyone. I am heartened to see your words ‘I can’t live with an alcoholic’. Indeed no one can. You will end up being as damaged as the alcoholic. Move out, you aren’t required to stay in this situation by lockdown rules. Let him get on with his life and find your own happiness.