Handhold- he chose alcohol over our relationship

[redstripewidow]

DP has a drinking problem. It all came to a head recently and I told him that if he doesn't make an attempt to deal with the issues we will have to end the relationship.

He has taken me at my word and has been sleeping on the sofa for the past week, (he can't leave due to CV19) he won't touch me and is trying to "emotionally distance" us from each other as much as possible in order to make it "easier"

I'm almost constantly on the verge of tears, I can't believe that he is so unwilling to make any effort for the sake of our relationship, and is happier to drink himself to death.

I have contacted alcohol support services and the local authority, and the LA have agreed to assess him for a residential rehab- but when I told him this he just shrugged, he doesn't want to do it.

I feel heartbroken, and like all the things I expected in our future have been stolen from me....we have been so happy, I don't want to lose my best friend/relationship.

He won't fight for you no, because his primary relationship is with alcohol and he just wants to be able to drink constantly without any earache. That is all he cares about at this time. Not only that but you'll probably find that this is a perfect scenario for him in that you've given him the perfect excuse to dive in deeper into the bottle as you've "broken his heart". He doesn't have to feel guilty or address his behaviour now as he can blame it on an external factor - The Break Up!

I lived with an alcoholic for 8 years and still have to deal with him on behalf our children. You have to harden your heart because he doesn't give a shit.

I'm sorry. It's so hard x

Wow Being - don’t know why you are so rude - I asked you a genuine question politely.

This is very sad, but it’s good that you own your property.

Give him reasonable notice to move out. It’s sad that he will have housing difficulties on top of his existing problems, but those difficulties are a direct consequence of his alcohol problem.

You might also find Al Anon useful, for families of people with alcohol problems.

I agree with lobsterquadrille when she says that if you're an alcoholic and you know it, the first drink is the one where you have a choice. After that, the alcoholism takes over.

So you have to make that choice over and over again, at every stress point in your life. It's hard, because you see other people who can have that first drink and not have it lead to disaster. To get to the point where you can accept that and still live your life takes a lot of hard work.

I am not one of the 'selfish, choice, it's not an illness' brigade. I am however of the opinion that it is perfectly possible to still love the addict, to feel deep sympathy for them, and at the same time to hate them, want them out of your life, want them to stop and wake up and smell the coffee. Living with an addict means you end up experiencing a horrible tangle of contradictory emotions - which is why you need support.

I'm also not a great believer in the 12 step model. Our group definitely does not operate on that model, and yet we have managed to support an awful lot of people, help them detach with love, find some peace in their lives. There are other ways of achieving the goal.

@Gutterton. I think I over-reacted to your post which I apologise for.

Loving someone that is an addict is extremely complex. I will support anyone that says they can no longer live with or financially support the person as is the case here.

Would I go along with some of the views about how the addict is manipulative, taking you for a mug etc. No.

It's very possible to love and support someone and still not 'enable' their addiction.

'Co-dependency' is a complex toxic enmeshment in usually, family relationships and less commonly, romantic ones. Where there is clear (conscious or not) benefit to both parties, even if the 'benefit' is feeding maladaptive coping mechanisms and lack of self esteem etc.

Doesn't seem to be the case here since she hates it and is planning for him to leave.

That's the opposite of co-depenency.

Co-depedency is very different to simply not wanting someone you love to suffer alone or feeling you're not supporting them enough, but it's one of those things brought up on MN by posters that may be projecting their own experiences or not really know what the terms they are using actually mean.

....and I know I can have it with another partner at some time in the future.....

That’s actually a very strong and positive place you are in redstripewidow right now even though it won’t feel like it.

I also rate J Hari’s work (lots on YouTube). If you haven’t yet seen last week’s Horizon doc on Tony Slattery as well as The Guardian piece - you might find it of interest (links below).

But it’s all about your recovery now.

How you learn to accept and adapt.

To detach and grieve and be satisfied that the intentions of your actions are for his long term good - whether he chooses that path is up to him.

I have lots of personal experience of addiction within my family and friends. My DH is an alcoholic. He is now sober. He / the illness put me and our 4 DC through hell until I asked him to leave. Both his parents were alcoholics.

Explains his behaviours but doesn’t excuse them IMHO. He has taken choices - to drink and not to drink.

I found Al Anon really helpful for me personally.

My DH was v v lucky to turn a corner. Other family members did not have as good an outcome. Some died after many years of ill health. Another took their own life. All of them whether recovered, still active, died, suicide, left a lifetime trail of deep pain and destruction for their children, parents, partners, siblings, friends and family.

I wish you both well.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-52767350

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/29/tony-slattery-had-very-happy-time-went-slightly-barmy

Thank you Being - that’s a very helpful insight.

Thank you @Gutterton
The articles are interesting, and I will watch the documentary.

Can I ask @Gutterton - how long after being asked to leave did your DH stop drinking?
I know it's not the case for everyone, but it's good to know some people manage to fight against the addiction and regain their families.

The same 3 C's apply to addicts/alcoholics. They didn't cause it, can't cure it, and are in fuck all position to control it.

He knows you want rid of him by now. It's time he tootled off. You've made the decision that you don't/can't be in a relationship with an alcoholic. You win some, you lose some. Not your fault what happens to him after he leaves. Up to him.

Alcoholism is deadly.

He may never stop drinking. And he will ALWAYS be an alcoholic it doesn't fully leave a person.
Don't be waiting for him you need to live your life.
I hope you find someone else, in time, who you will be able to build a happy life with.

He stopped drinking immediately. We reconnected 6 months later and started joint then individual counselling. He didn’t do AA or any other support service - but defines himself as an alcoholic.

When we separated it was for good. I 100% was not turning back. Divorce etc was in progress. I had my new life planned out and was activity embracing it. Maybe that permanent switch in me shocked him. AA recommend that someone should be actively sober for 12 months before getting in to a RS.

My story is rare. If you want children I would not waste any more of your precious fertile years on this guy.

My boyfriend is sober two years and he can’t say what it was that made him stop.

Good luck op.

Afterwards, try to move on with your life OP, sounds like you are young and still have a lot of life's experiences to enjoy. Don't wait on him, don't put your life on hold hoping, as it often doesn't have a good outcome. I have looked after many dying alcoholics in my working life.
So, when it came to splitting with my son's Dad, I knew what could happen down the line, and it did. He had tried rehab, I think it came down to being afraid to address the things in his past that caused MH problems, alcohol seemed a natural crutch - helped with his anxieties and helped to block things out about his childhood. Even sober though he wasn't going to engage with MH counselling properly, dressed up as he knew better and they were all patronising ( he was highly intelligent, well educated, granted, but he was just scared in the end).
What he also was was sensitive, down to earth, we shared same sense of humour, just got each other in many ways and I've never felt that comfortable with anyone. There are good reasons why we initially love these addicts.
At times, however, jealous and possessive, morose, negative, controlling and manipulative (traits that came out with alcohol), I've never felt so awkward with somebody.
Glad I got out when I did, he died 10 years after we split, my son was 13 at the time. It's sad all round, and actually my life would of been a while lot easier if I'd got out much sooner. My son is wonderful, however, the best bits of him so far.

Opentooffers I am so sorry that happened to you and your son. I echo your sentiment. I should have ended it a long time before as well - for everyone’s sakes. Our reunion was not plain sailing. I felt like I had a lot of responsibility when I took him back - because it would have been hideous for our DCs if he had to leave again. I was also v triggered and hyper vigilant - worried he would start drinking again and was checking up on him for at least 2 years.

How are things with you redstripewidow?

There is a very real dichotomy with many addictions, alcoholism included.

The addict needs help.

Their family needs help.

The best help for both is very often not a joint effort.

Here many posters, including myself, seem heartless as we focus on the family members. That doesn't mean we don't think the addict needs or deserves help. They do. But we know that family and friends have to acknowledge the point, a point that always arrives, when they have to cut free and, basically, save themselves.

The addict will do what the addict will do. All the interventions in the world won't make a blind bit if difference until the addict chooses to engage honestly. And that has to be for themselves rather than for anyone else.

So far from being heartless the leaving of an alcoholic is often essential... if they have not responded to any of the other interventions offered by desperate family members.

Posters here tend to reply to the OP letting them know that separation is often necessary for them and may help the addict in their lives. But that it is always OK to reach your limit and to leave.

There is no shame or blame in that!

CuriousaboutSamphire so very well put. In a nutshell, if you are the relative or loved one of an addict, you can help yourself. You can help any children involved. You cannot help the addict. Focusing on helping yourself is therefore the rational thing to do. It is also the hardest thing to do.

So he's gone- he's taken the details of the substance misuse team and will apparently phone them on Monday...
He has taken very little of his stuff, but at least it was calm and civil.

That's a good outcome. And I'll bet it hurts like hell.

Please get some support for yourself whether from Al-Anon or from a different group. You have totally done the right thing, but it isn't always going to feel like that. Let yourself grieve. It's OK to feel sad about this.

Redstripe, you’ve done the right thing. Stay strong now and leave the rest to him. Only he can decide what the rest of his life looks like. Spend time building yourself back up and consider what you want for your future (and not just in a relationship sense). You can spend so much time wanting the addict to have a future that you miss out on loving yourself. Life is short - make the best of it now for yourself.

@Opentooffers

I applaud your honesty as I do with @Gutterton.

So much wisdom out there.

The thing is that when I read these threads I just want to scream, get out, grab freedom.
Addicts are exactly that addicts.

We all only have one short life.

Living with the huge overwhelming majority of addicts is that you, the non addicted person ends up subsuming your life into the addicts.

The waste of life is so awful.

Life is too short, so i say run. Just run.

He has taken very little of his stuff

I fear he will try to weasel his way back in, which would be a disaster. I would get every last piece of his things to him as quickly as possible, and I would block all contact. You need to properly start over.

Go on the sober recovery freinds and family of alcoholics forum. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Full of wonderful people who have been where you are and some who are out the other side and a wealth of wisdom that only us who have endured life with an addict learn and understand.

Well done Redstripe. I’m sure it feels awful at the moment, but you have done the best thing you could have done for both of you.

I am another here who was married to an alcoholic and ended for the sake of all of us, him, me and, most of all, the children. I absolutely echo the great advice you have already had here. Sometimes it may feel harsh but it is coming from people who have had to learn the hard way and will save you some of the angst in store if you can take it on board now. The best thing you can do is to get support for yourself through Alanon, counselling, sober recovery etc. There will be help for your DP if and when he wants it. There are many success stories around but a depressing number of sadder endings and this is a horribly difficult illness to treat. If you take on the responsibility of rescuer, you risk being dragged down with it and, perversely, in doing so, you would probably actually harm his chances of getting help.

Very best of luck!

@BeingonFBdoesntmakeittrue, whilst I agree wit much of what you’ve said, I think you are being a little unfair to assume that we don’t generally understand addiction and co-occurring MH conditions. many of us on here with experience of loved ones suffering from alcoholism have probably educated ourselves to the hilt on the subject and seen first hand the appalling effect it has on those afflicted. None of it gets away from the devastation it causes to those around the alcoholic and I think @CuriousaboutSamphire has it spot on, this post is about supporting the OP, not the alcoholic.

It sounds like a fairly new relationship. Save yourself.