Handhold- he chose alcohol over our relationship

[redstripewidow]

DP has a drinking problem. It all came to a head recently and I told him that if he doesn't make an attempt to deal with the issues we will have to end the relationship.

He has taken me at my word and has been sleeping on the sofa for the past week, (he can't leave due to CV19) he won't touch me and is trying to "emotionally distance" us from each other as much as possible in order to make it "easier"

I'm almost constantly on the verge of tears, I can't believe that he is so unwilling to make any effort for the sake of our relationship, and is happier to drink himself to death.

I have contacted alcohol support services and the local authority, and the LA have agreed to assess him for a residential rehab- but when I told him this he just shrugged, he doesn't want to do it.

I feel heartbroken, and like all the things I expected in our future have been stolen from me....we have been so happy, I don't want to lose my best friend/relationship.

Yes, that's what it is. He's ill. Which isn't your responsibility to sort out or 'save' and I would recommend you don't try because he needs professional help which you can't give.

But all the 'he's made a choice, loves alcohol more than anything, manipulative, thinks you're a mug, selfish, etc' posts infuriate me after 22 years working in MH. It's a huge lack of understanding of MH, neurochemistry, and trauma.

There are 'acceptable' mental illnesses or disorders in wider society and particularly on MN.

Addiction isn't one of them.

@BeingonFBdoesntmakeittrue
He has previously tried to engage with local support services, but found the whole process incredibly frustrating and disengaged- weekly sessions with an nice caseworker with no relevant life experience, having to fill in a drink diary, having to find the Motivation to attend.

The rehab worker I spoke with agreed with me that rehab is seen as a 'last resort' when really it would be better as a first step and then to be followed up with community care.
The whole support system is broken.

There is a crate of non alcoholic beer in my kitchen, that he bought with good intentions, only one has been drunk...

I'm not ignoring what anyone else has said.... and I am definitely taking it on board, I just wanted to reply directly to the PP

AA is the best place for him but not until he wants it. There are lots of men there who have been where he is and understand him. There really is a lot of support when he wants it and until then there is nothing you can do. Big hugs to you and try Al anon for support for you

Attila and the others have said it all. He is an addict and you are powerless to change him.

You're allowed to grieve, but you have to end this relationship and tell him to leave. By no longer enabling him you will be doing the one thing you can to help him. It may not work, but it's the only thing you can do.

I'm the widow of an alcoholic.

AA has been great for lots of people, including some friends and family members of mine. I've also known people who found it very unhelpful.

I wouldn't use it myself if I needed it but that's just me. It's sold as the only option for some people and I don't think a 12 step programme suits everyone but that's just me.

I would go for more for naltexone and counsellling/therapy but that won't work for everyone.

Nothing will work for everyone with a MH problem, people respond in different ways.

It still comes down to him needing to access help and you not being responsible for it.

You're not responsible for finding him somewhere to live.

Tell him he has 7 days to leave, I bet he'll find somewhere. With no time limit he has zero motivation to remove himself.

I think one day in the future you'll be able to read @AttilaTheMeerkat's post again and realise there was an awful lot of truth in it.

Like I said OP, there will be no empathy or understanding of the neurological effects of addiction to be found on MN or the numerous MH problems that drive it.

You can't 'save him' and he needs help but that's not your responsibilty to sort out.

That doesn't mean the person you've known for almost 2 decades was a fake or he's deliberately taking the piss etc....

He's ill and you can't make him well but it's not a sane choice he's making. Some counselling for you may be helpful.

BeingonFB I actually agree with you. The man I married was a wonderful human being. It was the alcohol that changed him. All the way to the end I felt sympathy for him.

That doesn't change the fact that I had to protect myself and my DDs from life with him. The same applies to the OP.

Calling someone an addict isn't a value judgement, it's a statement of fact.

I agree with counselling or support for the OP. I still attend a support group 2 years on and it's invaluable.

Well I've just packed up the bulk of his stuff- there's not a huge amount...I know you are all right and I need to protect myself, I haven't cried since this morning- but I'm sure it will all come out once he has actually left.

I would make him leave immediately because dragging this out will only make things harder. Where he goes is not your problem.

He's not here at the moment- but when he gets back I'm going to ask him to leave....
I am completely broken hearted.

@pointythings Absolutely. Which is why I never suggested OP should think she could help him at this stage or destroy herself trying as it is unlikely to help and would likely just damage them both.

But with addictions there seems to be an idea that they aren't 'real' MH problems and the sufferers are willingly choosing to do it, selfish, manipulative and don't give a shit about anything but their substance of choice. It isn't a sane choice. It's an illness. And a known symptom of almost every other MH problem in the DSM. Psychotic disorders, mood and anxiety disorders, PTSD, personality disorders etc.

No-one actively 'chooses' to lose jobs, homes, relationships, their children or in some cases their liberty and their lives.

I won't slag off AA as know many people have benefitted but the 12 steps literally talk about moral and personality failings and I fundamentally disagree with that.

It's fucking shit (excuse my language) to be an addict and it's fucking shit to love someone that is an addict. The helplessness felt on all sides is so painful.

It's awful to be packing up his stuff OP but that is what needs to happen for both of you right now.

Keep seeking support for you.

Some great advice on here from people with more experience and understanding than me but I also think you are doing the right thing by making him leave your house.
All that will happen if he stays is that he will carry on drinking and ruin your life as well as his. Quite possibly then at some point you’ll be accused of or guilt yourself into thinking you have enabled the situation to carry on in the inevitable downward spiral.

Quite natural to grieve and feel everything you feel but you’ve reached the fork in the road and one way is a dead end. The other way lies your sanity, your own health and happiness and if he chooses to face the reality of his addiction then possibly his. The latter you are not responsible for only he is but you must value yourself enough to forge ahead. Nothing will come of delaying what will eventually come tO pass anyway.

It's so stupid- but I can't help wishing that he will go away, and re-appear in 6/12 months, having accessed support and cleaned himself up....and then I could have the life I was promised.

It's not going to happen.

I can't afford proper counselling- but we have "white wall" access through work- I'll give it a go.

No-one actively 'chooses' to lose jobs, homes, relationships, their children or in some cases their liberty and their lives.

Does the codependent actively choose these outcomes if they stay?

What’s your solution Being?

Should the wives, children, family, friends, employers etc only direct their feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, exploitation at the devastation in their lives caused by the illness rather than the individual?

Do you subscribe to withdrawing relationships and practical comfort so that there are natural consequences and the addict reaches rock bottom sooner rather than later?

redstripewidow are there any children involved? What are the things in life you were expecting that now won’t be happening?

First of all I am so sorry you are going through this. Nobody understands the agony of watching someone you love destroy themselves and your love for them through addiction unless you have been through it yourself. @AttilaTheMeerkat's advice is spot on but you might not be ready to digest it and accept it yet and that’s ok. Give yourself time but make no mistake, he will not change unless he is ready. By staying with him you are hurting him as well as yourself. The hope is what keeps you trapped- you still have hope for him. It’s so hard to accept that this man you love is a lost cause- but it’s the truth until he decides he wants to live a different way and is willing to do WHATEVER it takes to stay sober. Rehab is not a magic bullet. My DH went to rehab 3 years ago but we still split up as he was not ready. Maybe he will never be ready but that’s on him. I know I’m ready for a better life and that’s what matters. Turn your attention to where it belongs- building a better life for your own self, whatever it takes. And what it takes is to say goodbye to him.

You're doing the right thing. xxx

He is depressed, possibly bi-polar, hopelessly addicted and mentally very unwell. It's not an active choice, even if he thinks he is.

I have bipolar.- he may well have a personality disorder as lay people often mistake that for bipolar BTW It is kind of his choice not to engage significantly with treatment for his mental health. Yes he engaged briefly with alcohol services (most people working in that field do have personal experience.)

But if someone has mental health problems as well as substance misuse issues, their treatment is advised to be a two pronged approach- they get treatment for both their mental health problems and their drink problem at the same time, both for their general health and because this has better outcomes for both.

He could've chosen to see his GP or a consultant (and not just half heartedly once or twice, if at all.) People need to see their GP and if one treatment doesn't work, go back so the GP or consultant can try one of the dozens of other treatments, rather than the person not bothering to go back. I know men in particular don't tend to do this easily, but he could've done this for you.

I'm just saying this so it maybe makes you even more aware that you're doing the right thing.

I agree with @BeingonFBdoesntmakeittrue that addiction is not fully understood, and the trauma he has experienced in childhood has caused damage, that he uses drinking to try and 'patch over'- Johan Hari's book on addiction was very helpful and well worth reading...I would recommend it for anyone.

So I none both the individual and the substance- I know he wants the same as I do, he is just powerless at this stage.

No children involved. We were going to get married, possibly have children one day, travel together- even just spending days in each other's company, gardening together, walks in the woods (these are all things that we already do, and it makes me happy) - no-one makes me laugh like he does- it's all very normal stuff, and I know I can have it with another partner at some time in the future.....

That last post was for @Gutterton
Cross posted with a few more.

I am listening to what you are all saying

I'm sorry, OP. I think you're doing the right thing, the only thing, but I'm sure it hurts like hell.

I hope he goes quietly when you tell him he has to. It's the decent thing to do. Hopefully he'll at least recognise that.

He will go quietly- he won't fight me on it or make a scene.

And even that makes me sad, he can't fight for us, even at the final straw.

(Sorry I don't mean to be so bloody mopey)

@Gutterton

I assume you can read since you posted. At no point did I say the OP should stay in this relationship, the opposite in fact.

I just won't go along with the 'selfish, manipulative, he chose booze' bla bla nonsense when 2 decades working in MH services and seeing advances in research in neurochemistry and treatment tells me that's not true

Yet it's still a very stigmatising attitude which is particularly prevalent on MN.