Handhold- he chose alcohol over our relationship

[redstripewidow]

DP has a drinking problem. It all came to a head recently and I told him that if he doesn't make an attempt to deal with the issues we will have to end the relationship.

He has taken me at my word and has been sleeping on the sofa for the past week, (he can't leave due to CV19) he won't touch me and is trying to "emotionally distance" us from each other as much as possible in order to make it "easier"

I'm almost constantly on the verge of tears, I can't believe that he is so unwilling to make any effort for the sake of our relationship, and is happier to drink himself to death.

I have contacted alcohol support services and the local authority, and the LA have agreed to assess him for a residential rehab- but when I told him this he just shrugged, he doesn't want to do it.

I feel heartbroken, and like all the things I expected in our future have been stolen from me....we have been so happy, I don't want to lose my best friend/relationship.

My ex also did this, ruined our relationship, and years later even when our daughter was dying he chose the drink over her. Never heard so many excuses, been offered help numerous times. Some people you cannot help.

My ex was/is the same, 6years I tried and failed to make a family with him but drink was his 1st choice over everything. Still is, drops our girls for a day of drinking with anyone who asks him. Very rarely a drinker will change in my opinion 😔

He has taken very little of his stuff

This all sounds so familiar to me.

He'll be back within the week making all the right noises, saying he's made some phone calls, full of plans and promises, wanting to move back in.

Don't do it. Get the rest of his stuff to him ASAP, this weekend if possible, even if you have to load it into your car and leave it outside wherever he is staying now.

Give yourself the chance of a decent future OP.

Pack up his stuff and bring it to his fathers.

I agree with moving everything out of your home ASAP - he will never ever clear it. It would be symbolic of, I suspect, yet another ending for him and he is in denial.

YOU don’t need to be preoccupied and concerned with the when, if and how he comes to collect it. Take back control. You decide and set the pace and timetable that suits you. Get it gone - so that you can move on mentally - don’t let this be a drag anchor to the past.

It will also be a v important act and a deep learning opportunity for him if he chooses to take it. See it as a gift to him.

And then go on to totally detaching from him. Maybe tell him that you need to emotionally detox and clear your head so you won’t be in contact for 6 weeks. Then consider blocking him.

You should not hitch yourself to the emotional rollercoaster of the next few months that he is driving and controlling. You have been exposed and subjected to enough of the emotional manipulation already. You don’t need the pleading drunk phone calls in the middle of the night. The sad helpless puppy dog eyes on your doorstep in the mornings. The hanging on the hope that his calls the services on Monday, then the usual ensuing lies, promises, failures, restarts,
disappointments.

Don’t live his “recovery” with him from
a different house. You don’t need to know from friends and family how he is doing, you don’t need to keep track on social media etc.

You need to take care of you - and this means proactively planning to spend your time with activities and people who positively fill you up - that can distract and fill the void and vacuum left by him and your imagined future life with him. You need to back to your radiant friends to recover from the being drained by this. You will have deep pangs of sorrow and urges to run to him or answer his pleads. Allow yourself to feel pain, let it rise up like waves and subside again. You will have have a bad days, mornings, evenings, hours etc but over time they become less frequent and less intense - if you keep up the detachment. Resist the urge to open the door, take his calls, run to his aid, ask after him. Expect some drama or issue to erupt that “requires” your input - could be anything - money, work, housing, health - don’t get drawn in. These are not your concerns, issues, responsibilities. They are his alone - and his opportunity for growth - give him that.

Listen to Gutterton OP. It is great advice.

definitely get rid of his stuff for him. It will be much better for you but also for him in being another dose of reality that might (No guarantees) eventually break through his denial.

Hi OP, I've just read through your thread and I can feel your pain. You have done absolutely the right thing. Any alcoholic can only help themselves - they can see people they love desperately (and in spite of their addiction, they do love others) on their knees begging them to stop, and their first thought is still "where's the next drink?" even while their mouths are opening to form the words you want to hear.

I've been there and it's a dark and lonely place to be. But recovery comes from within yourself - if it could be via the support of others, many of us would find peace much sooner. You have to be the one who puts recovery before anything else in the world - it has to occupy the same place that previously alcohol did.

I know that various posters have said they're not advocates of AA - I am, and it's helped me to maintain sobriety for 12 years. Whether you believe in the steps or not (I do), what it offers is a safe place to be completely honest and entirely understood, because you're among alcoholics whose thoughts and actions and behaviour, all the lies and deceit, follow similar patterns. It's a huge relief to be able to speak freely and not be judged. For that reason I hope that your partner makes contact if and when he's ready. There are Zoom meetings all over the world at the moment.

And @pointythings is quite right - I do believe that picking up the first drink is a straight choice - but the next thousand are not. Your free will is taken away with the first drop of alcohol. We refer to it as an allergy, because our reaction to it isn't anywhere near the same as a non alcoholic person having one drink. If you know that eating lobster could kill you, you'd avoid it.

I wish you well and I hope that you're doing as well as you can today.

Did he leave his keys OP? Or did he keep them for if/when he collects his things?

Either way, for your own peace of mind, I'd suggest changing your locks (front and back if he has those) and also keep the internal chain on your front door when you are home. That way he can't access your home in your absence, whilst you are sleeping, etc.

This is the final part in totally reclaiming your home I think. Hope you are OK. 🌹

Someone in our family wouldn't accept help either. He lost his wife, his job, his children and grandchildren and still drinks. We see him sometimes in the supermarket buying alcohol. It is sad but it came to the point where everyone had tried everything but he wasn't interested.

Sometimes as sad as it is, you have to walk away.

I have seen many relationship broke down for the alcohol.

@billy1966
I agree with you...

How are you doing OP?