Partner keeps changing job (5 in 2 years) about to quit and move to 6th during covid?

[Lsw86]

Hello,

Looking for some advice or just generally some opinions as I feel I have nobody to talk to about this.

I met by boyfriend two years ago and we’ve lived together 18 months. I’m 33 and he’s 38 and works in digital marketing as head of / director level. The short story is, he’s about to quit his job whilst covid I happening to move to his 6th job in two years. Details below.

When we met he was working for company number 1 but kept moaning about how shambolic the company was in particular the senior management. Fully supported him and encourage him whilst he applied for job 2. He let the two jobs overlap rather than let his old company know / give notice which I wasn’t happy about.

Job number 2 he worked for a couple of weeks then literally just as I was boarding a plane to Botswana (a holiday I booked before we met) he told me he’d been let go as they no longer needed someone at that level. I again supported him and was empathetic. At this point he moved in with me, partly as we wanted to anyway and has discussed before he lost his job but also so I could financially support him whilst he was out of work.

Then job 3 was a temp job, he ended up leaving as he claimed they blamed him for something to do with a purchase order so I again supported and was sympathetic.

A few weeks later he took job 4 out of desperation. After a few weeks I met the owner of the company and colleagues who were saying such positive things about my boyfriend in how well he was doing and they seemed lovely. Then one of the guys who he didn’t particularly like ended up becoming his boss and he started Moaning similar to job 1 about incompetent management etc.

He then left to go to job 5 without even giving job 4 any notice so left on bad terms. My patience was wearing thin now as he hadn’t even been there 6 months and his cv was so unstable I was worried it will ruin his job prospects. He told me he’d met the person who he’d be taking over from who had warned him about the management not to trust them etc.

Job 5 I thought it was finally resolved though when he spoke the most positively I’d heard him speak eg nice to work with competent people but before long (3/4 months in) the usual grumbles came about incompetent management.

He then started getting heart palpitations to the point where I ended up taking him to A&E. He refused to believe it was stress or anxiety even though the hospital indicated this and blamed it on a fever. Things then seemed to settle down for a while and then covid happened and a lot of his work has been paused so he’s getting full pay and just ticking things over. It’s the least stressed I e ever seen him and then all of a sudden he lands job 6 on me and says he wants to resign as he’s not happy. To make things worse the job is a 1.5/2hr commute away so ok for covid working remotely but not long term. I’ve told him it’s crazy to be leaving in the current climate and he’s lucky to have a job. He’s getting paid 80k and not even doing much whilst in lockdown.

I’m just at my wits end with it all as the common denominator of the 6 jobs is him and I can’t help but wonder if the problem
is him. It’s causing me lots of anxiety as when he’s unhappy all the time with work and constantly moaning it can be very draining. I fear it will be like this forever and I’m now at the point where I can’t cope if it happens a 7th time which is a lot of pressure for me to put on him for this job to be “the one”.

Any advice appreciated, I feel so alone as he doesn’t like me telling my family/friends about his job hopping as he’s embarrassed and he’s not fully honest with his parents about it all. I’ve read similar forums which say try counselling but I think he’d be hard to persuade to try something like that and if he did he I don’t think he’d be honest with them about the last two years

Imagine these were the words of a close friend speaking to you. How would you feel?

I’m just at my wits end with it all.

It’s causing me lots of anxiety as when he’s unhappy all the time with work and constantly moaning it can be very draining.

I fear it will be like this forever and I’m now at the point where I can’t cope.

I feel so alone as he doesn’t like me telling my family/friends about his job hopping as he’s embarrassed and he’s not fully honest with his parents about it all.

I’ve read similar forums which say try counselling but I think he’d be hard to persuade to try something like that and if he did he I don’t think he’d be honest.

I just can’t get my head round how this keeps happening and how intolerant he’s being.

I’ve had times when I’ve been miserable and stressed at work ( including bullying from my boss and continual 16 hour working days) but I’ve just sucked it up and come out the other side so it’s hard for me to carry on being empathetic.

It’s just seeing him so unhappy all the time and yes the Moaning is hard as I really have to bite my tongue as most of the time I want to tell him to get a grip

What makes it so hard is the anxiety attacks he suffered in nov resulting in going to a&e. He’s never had that before with the other jobs so it’s hard to persuade him to stick this job out longer when it has made him ill.

I don’t understand your last point here. He claims they weren’t panic attacks but a fever and hasn’t had any since Nov. You said he has been the most relaxed he has ever been recently. I don’t understand your concern? Also you mention other forums have said get counselling - what else did they recommend?

He is 38, is in 80k jobs, has no children, yet when he was let go he couldn't afford rent for two months. What? That's nuts. Where is all his money? Why doesn't he have his own flat?

I normally advise people to run like hell from partners that are financially unstable as it just makes life miserable.

In your case though OP, IF you are happy with life as it is now, then why not just leave him to it? He appears to make ends meet even if it isn't in a way that you would. Yeah, I wouldn't be marrying him/buying a house/having kids with him, but so long as you're living a lifestyle where you can split things 50/50, then how he makes his 50 is his problem. Just emotionally detach from it and trust him to run his life as he sees fit. Don't engage with the moaning either - tell him if he's going to run his life like that it's up to him, but you're sick of him moaning about his choices so no longer want to hear it.

If you do want kids/marriage etc then it's a different matter as you're financially linking yourself to him and his choices.

Be honest with yourself and think about where you want to be in 10 years. Is this man going to help or hinder you in getting there? Great people can be terrible partners if they're pulling in a different direction to you.

If you like him but his instability means no kids and no joint finances, surely it would be easier if he had his own place and you two just date.

And having a partner from BC whom you need to emotionally detach wouldn't suit everyone. Especially as you get older.

He’s work shy. He is the problem. Not every place he works. One to two places maybe but 6!!! He just doesn’t want to work.

He is crap at his job. They find him out. He exits or is pushed out. You can blag a senior job for six months before lack of results show clearly. I bet he can talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I have seen it a lot in a long consultancy career.

A large part of a senior role is managing the politics so your people can do the technical work. He can't do that at all by the sounds of it. In other words he is shit at his job.

You know he is lying to employers and his parents. He asks you to lie to your friends and family. He is creating an illusion of success that is not real.

That's a warning for your relationship. He knows the right noises, the right easy moves, but the hard stuff, the following it through to delivery, nah. His solution? Jump ship, lie, blag, moan.

I am still gobsmacked he had to rely on you for rent and bills for two months. I bet he has spent a lot of time out of work, a lot more than you know about.

I agree Tork - that’s why I asked OP upthread about his traction before he met her.

Apparently then he had long term jobs. No actual evidence of that though - just him telling her - which isn’t worth air because she is able to document his character as a perpetual liar - constant lies to his employers on job applications (fiddling his career history), to friends and family, and she even suggested he would lie to a therapist. I wonder if she is the only person in the world he doesn’t lie to?

I also asked repeatedly if he had savings, investments and property from his decades of career with a high disposable income - and this was avoided. IME someone haemorrhaging cash potentially has an addiction hidden somewhere - odd he jumped into her property within 6 months of meeting and didn’t have cash to get through 2 months. Either that or huge holes in his working life.

I can see his career is really running out of road already. He shouldn’t have to take a job with a massive commute. And the claim to fame that he recently introduced a company to Facebook is toe curling - his Digital Marketing career must be really on the skids if he is this is the level he is working at.

Some women might well be able to live alongside his roller coaster life if they were easy going (could switch off from his negative bleating) and had zero expectations of building a future together of any substance - but just going along for the ride.

However the OP has plans and goals and has achieved and accrued much than he ever will - and the real worry is she will lose these to him as shouldering his lies, disruptive and uncooperative behaviours will take its toll on her own MH and then on her own work performance.

How long was he at job 1?

Stay with him then. But be prepared to never be financially reliant on him. Ever. Therefore do not get sick, do not have children with him, do not lose your job. You've been warned

No woman should ever be financially reliant on a man.

Good luck with the counselling and with making your decision OP.

That"s great Tiger but shit happens in the real world sometimes

Unbelievably simplistic given the current pandemic and people losing their previously secure jobs

Two things jump out at me:

His age. I think people can get away with being flaky in their early thirties, not so much once they get past the final flush of youth. At 38 he is definitely in the danger zone. He needs to settle down to something soon otherwise he will start getting passed over for someone younger.

My suggestion would be for him to go for a digital marketing (or perhaps even a general marketing) role in a far more traditional and stable industry. Perhaps even in professional services, like a law firm? There would probably be a different management style and crucially he would be in a supporting role rather than a starring role , which will probably help him to be less grandiose/critical in his relationship with management.

Lots of good practical suggestions that any rational person would have considered years before and adapted their career to suit their capacity for stress or working in hierarchy - but he hasn’t done that, doesn’t listen to the advice of his partner year on year - because he is:

Arrogant, deluded and entitled.

@allyjay it's just a principle: aim to be completely self-reliant but by all means have a partner as backup who is not useless should disaster strike you. I don't need telling about the effects of the pandemic thanks.

Sounds like he hates people and doesn't take any responsibility

I wouldn't leave him but I would want to sit down and talk over what he's going to do and why he's moving so much

It's interesting that you feel supported by him in the relationship. If I was a cynic, I'd say that he sees this time as an investment in keeping you sweet and where he needs you - which is in the dependable job position so that he can keep flitting about to suit his needs, safe in the knowledge that he has you as his constant financial safety net.

I wonder how he would react if you were to turn round and tell him that he couldn't leave his current role as you're unhappy in your job and need to take some time off - possibly months - with him as the main breadwinner, until such time as you find something that suits your needs? I suspect he wouldn't like the boot being on the other foot...

As someone going through a similar situation, might he be about to discover he needs to start his own business, and be right about these businesses ? If you bail you might just miss out on someone remarkable.
On the other hand all the others nicer be right ? Your call x

Check out Paul Brunson for how many jobs and careers he did before finding his rhythm in his 40’s he would say this man is doing the right thing, but then he’s a rare human being. It’s up to you wait it out, avoid moving forward and risk losing him or leave. Up to you (devils advocate)

Zombie thread

OP, my H is very similar to your DP. He had a period of stability in only one employment, then went on to get sacked or quit 3 or 4 jobs more in quick succession during my pregnancy. He eventually started his own business, the feeling being "he can't work for other people" which has lasted 6 years, and he is very driven and hardworking at times. But we're now encountering the same issues - not getting on with people, a rollercoaster of crises, repairing the damage of last crisis, wanting to give up, it's getting harder and harder. Meanwhile my career and MH take constant knocks as I have had to be the stable present parent for the kids.
As another PP said he also turned his inner frustration/instability at our relationship for a long time (after the first six years of being a lovely partner, it was like a complete switch flicked) and it was incredibly awful, not sure we'll ever recover from that.

I hear that you want to stay with him so if you're not ready to leave, I would insist he starts some therapy to address his issues. I imagine he's not the type, or too "alpha male" to consider it. But insist on it or of him finding ways to work out what's going on/stress how important this issue is for your relationship to continue.
Whatever is causing this runs a lot deeper I'd imagine than the current complaints.