Partner keeps changing job (5 in 2 years) about to quit and move to 6th during covid?

[Lsw86]

Hello,

Looking for some advice or just generally some opinions as I feel I have nobody to talk to about this.

I met by boyfriend two years ago and we’ve lived together 18 months. I’m 33 and he’s 38 and works in digital marketing as head of / director level. The short story is, he’s about to quit his job whilst covid I happening to move to his 6th job in two years. Details below.

When we met he was working for company number 1 but kept moaning about how shambolic the company was in particular the senior management. Fully supported him and encourage him whilst he applied for job 2. He let the two jobs overlap rather than let his old company know / give notice which I wasn’t happy about.

Job number 2 he worked for a couple of weeks then literally just as I was boarding a plane to Botswana (a holiday I booked before we met) he told me he’d been let go as they no longer needed someone at that level. I again supported him and was empathetic. At this point he moved in with me, partly as we wanted to anyway and has discussed before he lost his job but also so I could financially support him whilst he was out of work.

Then job 3 was a temp job, he ended up leaving as he claimed they blamed him for something to do with a purchase order so I again supported and was sympathetic.

A few weeks later he took job 4 out of desperation. After a few weeks I met the owner of the company and colleagues who were saying such positive things about my boyfriend in how well he was doing and they seemed lovely. Then one of the guys who he didn’t particularly like ended up becoming his boss and he started Moaning similar to job 1 about incompetent management etc.

He then left to go to job 5 without even giving job 4 any notice so left on bad terms. My patience was wearing thin now as he hadn’t even been there 6 months and his cv was so unstable I was worried it will ruin his job prospects. He told me he’d met the person who he’d be taking over from who had warned him about the management not to trust them etc.

Job 5 I thought it was finally resolved though when he spoke the most positively I’d heard him speak eg nice to work with competent people but before long (3/4 months in) the usual grumbles came about incompetent management.

He then started getting heart palpitations to the point where I ended up taking him to A&E. He refused to believe it was stress or anxiety even though the hospital indicated this and blamed it on a fever. Things then seemed to settle down for a while and then covid happened and a lot of his work has been paused so he’s getting full pay and just ticking things over. It’s the least stressed I e ever seen him and then all of a sudden he lands job 6 on me and says he wants to resign as he’s not happy. To make things worse the job is a 1.5/2hr commute away so ok for covid working remotely but not long term. I’ve told him it’s crazy to be leaving in the current climate and he’s lucky to have a job. He’s getting paid 80k and not even doing much whilst in lockdown.

I’m just at my wits end with it all as the common denominator of the 6 jobs is him and I can’t help but wonder if the problem
is him. It’s causing me lots of anxiety as when he’s unhappy all the time with work and constantly moaning it can be very draining. I fear it will be like this forever and I’m now at the point where I can’t cope if it happens a 7th time which is a lot of pressure for me to put on him for this job to be “the one”.

Any advice appreciated, I feel so alone as he doesn’t like me telling my family/friends about his job hopping as he’s embarrassed and he’s not fully honest with his parents about it all. I’ve read similar forums which say try counselling but I think he’d be hard to persuade to try something like that and if he did he I don’t think he’d be honest with them about the last two years

The thing is, management often is a bit crap, or at least hit and miss. Because, you know, people.

If he can’t handle that he’s never going to be able to hold down a job, unless he works for himself.

Completely agree, I’ve told him that

I'd be worried he'd be the same in relationships and have the next one lined up if he got itchy feet. I couldn't live like this, it's so unstable and you will be anxious all the time will seeing how long each job will last. He knows he's got you to fall back on. Now is certainly not the time to be throwing away jobs but it's an excellent time to start afresh with your personal life.

Would the job frequency bother you if he didn’t spend so much time bitching?

I’d make it clear that the way he deals with his employment restlessness (bitching and complaining) negatively impacts your mh, which puts you on edge constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I have known a few people like this. They are often high energy narc types - it’s all hot air and they swoop through job after job. The “career” he is in is very easy to hide for a bit because they are superficially very plausible, charming, charismatic. But they don’t walk the talk and don’t deliver.

They are self defeating and the repeated pointing at the ineptitude of management is actually a projection and a reflection of their own abilities. Their fragile ego is always on the blag. It’s a very stressful way to live for him and you.

His response to the freelancing option is telling - IMO this is exactly where digital marketing projects are right now and are more likely to be in these uncertain times - but he would have to actually deliver a piece of work and there would be no where to hide and no one to blame. It’s also interesting that these narc types can’t take instruction or position themselves in the hierarchy. They are always looking up to where they want to be. They are deluded, entitled and arrogant.

V v soon he will be totally unemployable.

What’s his traction like in the rest of his life. How many jobs/careers did he have before he met you, what’s his RS history like? Does he have credible long term deep friendships from different times of his life? What are his parents like?

I won't bore you with the details but I've been in a similar situation. Your love blinds you to the fact that there is something wrong with them to result in so many job changes. My ex was frequently out of work for one reason or another but earned ridiculously well when he did work so financially we stayed afloat (just). Over ten years it was evident his unwillingness to move with the times and update his skill set was showing. The crunch came when he was offered a job just before one Christmas at a third of his usual rate but immediate start after 9 weeks avoiding signing on, two weeks pod leave over Christmas and an invite to the pod for Xmas so. his industry for freelance always dried up between December and January so the alternative was nothing coming in from him for another 8-10 weeks. I was working 50 hours a week as a nurse to make up short fall in his wage. We had two children under 6. I was paying for full use before and after school childcare just in case he got freelance work at short notice while he scratched his arse at home as the tortured artist. He then said he wasn't sure if he was going to take the job offer as an agent had promised him a 60k job in the new year. I'd lived through these agent promises in the past. He was told he took the job or move out to his parents there and then. He took the job, he's still there 2 years later and the 60k job clearly never materialised. I kicked him out in the new year. He has had to learn how to behave in the work place and not get sacked/let go/it's not a good fit as I am no longer there to save his arse.
Don't have children with him, don't marry him, don't financially support him during his lean periods. To be honest I'd ditch him but he may have redeeming qualities and only you can decide that.
Oh and hilariously when we first got together I was on £55k and he was in around £70k. He said we should split all bills etc exactly 50/50. I felt a percentage of the wage was fairer but went with it. 3 months later he was in the dole for the next 9 months and he had a Paul on the road to Damascus conversion about fair percentages! Just realised I have bored you with the details 😂

I think it would still bother me as it just make it very hard to plan for the future like getting a house or getting married

He’s had some long term jobs before he met me but then worked in both Australia and Dubai for a year each for the experience (part of the attraction as I’ve done similar myself)

His relationship history is better than mine, I think it’s something like one for 8 years when he was 17 and two for 4 years as well as a few years being single. He never gives me any reason to doubt our relationship and the effort he puts in to making it work.

He’s still in touch with school friends some of whom I’ve met and he was an usher for and has a group of uni friends he’s recently got back in touch with.

His parents are very lovely and sensible, he always says his dad is his role model as he’s worked in his job for 20 years even though he hates it and it’s affecting his physical health but he does it for the family. I’ve tried to gently remind him of this when he talks about leaving a job.

AlovelybitofsquirrelJackie Sorry you went through a similar experience, I can’t imagine how stressful it would be with kids. I think if I was certain I wanted kids it would make a decision to leave easier

I know a guy that has had 6-7 jobs in less than eighteen months. I think he's always been like it, his CV must look awful and be about 10ft long

I know, I don’t know how he keeps getting jobs to be honest. I think he’s telling them that he’s contracting and just not putting on some of the shorter ones

I think it would still bother me as it just make it very hard to plan for the future like getting a house or getting married.

You can’t even plan or relax in your PRESENT. Don’t tether yourself to this stressful sinking ship. alovelybitofsquireljackie experience demonstrates how rapidly these situations decline - I have v close personal experience of this where my friend worked herself to the bone, he went from job to job, running up debt and finally getting their home repossessed when they had just had their first baby.

He’s flaky and antagonistic to his colleagues

• when he eventually doesn’t have them in the frame to blame he will turn his attention to you and become antagonist and flaky.

Maybe he isn’t cut out to work for other people - would be a better freelancer,? Although unlikely to earn 80k whilst building it up. I think he must be pretty good to get high end jobs , he just doesn’t like to be not running the show so I think he needs a role where he totally runs the show or works for himself. A lot of very able people can’t bear working with others who don’t ‘think’ the same. I once had 4 jobs in 2 years when my son was small and it was nothing to do with being flakey- several jobs turned out to be not at all what I had been sold, one job had a hideous nasty boss and one company (I wAs in HR) were up to illegal working practices. If you like him and he is good to you I think you maybe need to have a good chat about this aspect ,

I know, I’m a bit torn as in some cases he really did have to leave eg job 1 his boss actually was corrupt and he showed me news articles to prove it so was right to get out if there. And this last job for example, he’s showed me private messages on linked in from two other directors one that left and one still there who have said similar things to him about the senior management team. On days like that and when I think about how happy we are together I feel I just have to support him and remind myself that at least he’s proactive at finding the jobs and has only had those two months unemployed when one fell through.

But then on other days I just can’t get my head round how this keeps happening and how intolerant he’s being. I’ve had times when I’ve been miserable and stressed at work ( including bullying from my boss and continual 16 hour working days) but I’ve just sucked it up and come out the other side so it’s hard for me to carry on being empathetic.

My ex always had a reason he was leaving/asked to leave. Always plausible. Funny enough, now I think of it, he never lost his job when I was on mat leave. He couldn't afford for that to happen. We were in London's me although I had nhs packages I couldn't do the overtime for obvious reasons. I do remember once us being so skint I only had £26 to feed us for the week (I was breast feeding and pregnant again). I managed it but he complained about the lack of meat despite us having amazingly balanced meals and variety through my sheer determination not to starve. He didn't have a clue about the real world. This is the man who is now furloughed and getting at least 80% of his usual wage but and decided in his infinite wisdom to only pay 10% of the minimum maintenance the law dictates. He knows I'll ensure the children don't go without despite his failures. I hope he's not like this but I wouldn't take a gamble on the off chance

Please, please don’t stay with this man. I married my serial job leaver and it was the BIGGEST mistake of my life. He was also in sales, and could really talk the talk. Brilliant in interviews, charming, can promise the earth BUT when it came to delivering on his promises he never could, and it was always someone else’s fault. In the four years we were married he went through seven jobs, none of which lasted longer than 6 months.

We married quickly and he got me pregnant quickly and as soon as I had DD the rose tinted glasses fell off - I could see my life stretching ahead of me, supporting him and my daughter, with NO support from him either financially or emotionally so I left him. Best decision ever. He now applies his job hopping ethic to his child maintenance payments - or lack of - he currently owes me over 12k but because he keeps leaving jobs just before his probation period ends the CSA has to reapply for the deduction of earnings order each time, and he’s gone before it hits his pay check. Don’t be me.

Most management are shit... learning to deal with that is part of learning how to 'work' unless you work for yourself of course.

I can see where he's coming from as I used to be like that, and still struggle with it to a certain extent but sometimes you just got to suck it up (suck the 'corporate cock') maybe he never learned to do that?

Do you mind me asking, if you used to be like that, how would be the best way your partner could have acted?

That’s really terrible. I’m sorry to hear you had to go through all of that, your children are very lucky to have such a strong mum and when they are old enough to understand they will have a world of respect for you as I do my mum now I understand more about what she put up with with my dad (not related to jobs).

I’d like to think from what I know of him he wouldn’t be like that. He’d give me his last pound coin and is very generous but I suppose you never really know how someone would react until you breakup up.

Oh God - I am having flashbacks to my exh... never happy, always someone else's fault as to why work was shit, he was always the victim in any work dispute and I supported him endlessly as he went through jobs, left jobs, sacked from jobs. After DD, it was just easier for him to be the SAHP as the stress of him fucking around was awful..of course, when she'd got bigger and he could work around her - not the right fit, the interviewers were shit, the hours won't work... after DS was born (I know!) and I had the toughest maternity despite us both being home, he promptly up and left me just over a year later...

So despite me doing it all, supporting him pretty much unconditionally and driving myself into a mental pit, he left me after cheating on me...

It started out almost exactly like yours and I dont think for one minute you'll make the mistakes I made but it is a fair show of his character and how his wants and needs will always be more important than yours. Whatever you do, dont tie yourself financially as you will feel so trapped!

Do you mind me asking, if you used to be like that, how would be the best way your partner could have acted?

Hard to say as I was young and single at the time, so was responsible for no one but myself. If it happened now... no nagging/pressure but I suppose a bit of gentle understated disappointment would have a greater effect on me personally than shouting, nagging or conflict. But honestly he's got to see it for himself, you can't do that for him.

OMG, sounds like you're with my exh, one of many reasons why hes an ex. Couldnt hold down a job, always claiming he was being bullied. 9 jobs in 6 years

How is he getting these £80k jobs with no references and such a bad track record??

If there are literally no other issues and you're not fussed about having kids or keen to buy a house together I'd give it another shot.
But only if you can tell him your concerns and say youd like to see him stay in a job for a couple of years and why.
Hopefully he'll get it.
I've really struggled to stay in many of my jobs but of 3 out of 4 I stayed for 4 years. But tbh that was way too long and I wish I'd left all of them sooner!

your children are very lucky to have such a strong mum and when they are old enough to understand they will have a world of respect for you as I do my mum now I understand more about what she put up with with my dad (not related to jobs).

And that’s what it’s all about. Your Mum role modelled “putting up with shit” - that’s your blue print. It isn’t strong - it’s weak. The PP however does deserve respect because she left.

There are loads of posters on here who have walked this path before you - not one has said - “yes it’s fine, just suck it up, it will all be fine, he will turn a corner etc”. They are unanimously telling you it will go down hill very rapidly. Listen to your gut - that’s why you posted here. If you don’t want kids, a house and financial security and are happy to ricochet perpetually around his drama triangle being drained of energy and increasing anxiety then carry on. But for many that’s no way to live.