Partner keeps changing job (5 in 2 years) about to quit and move to 6th during covid?

[Lsw86]

Hello,

Looking for some advice or just generally some opinions as I feel I have nobody to talk to about this.

I met by boyfriend two years ago and we’ve lived together 18 months. I’m 33 and he’s 38 and works in digital marketing as head of / director level. The short story is, he’s about to quit his job whilst covid I happening to move to his 6th job in two years. Details below.

When we met he was working for company number 1 but kept moaning about how shambolic the company was in particular the senior management. Fully supported him and encourage him whilst he applied for job 2. He let the two jobs overlap rather than let his old company know / give notice which I wasn’t happy about.

Job number 2 he worked for a couple of weeks then literally just as I was boarding a plane to Botswana (a holiday I booked before we met) he told me he’d been let go as they no longer needed someone at that level. I again supported him and was empathetic. At this point he moved in with me, partly as we wanted to anyway and has discussed before he lost his job but also so I could financially support him whilst he was out of work.

Then job 3 was a temp job, he ended up leaving as he claimed they blamed him for something to do with a purchase order so I again supported and was sympathetic.

A few weeks later he took job 4 out of desperation. After a few weeks I met the owner of the company and colleagues who were saying such positive things about my boyfriend in how well he was doing and they seemed lovely. Then one of the guys who he didn’t particularly like ended up becoming his boss and he started Moaning similar to job 1 about incompetent management etc.

He then left to go to job 5 without even giving job 4 any notice so left on bad terms. My patience was wearing thin now as he hadn’t even been there 6 months and his cv was so unstable I was worried it will ruin his job prospects. He told me he’d met the person who he’d be taking over from who had warned him about the management not to trust them etc.

Job 5 I thought it was finally resolved though when he spoke the most positively I’d heard him speak eg nice to work with competent people but before long (3/4 months in) the usual grumbles came about incompetent management.

He then started getting heart palpitations to the point where I ended up taking him to A&E. He refused to believe it was stress or anxiety even though the hospital indicated this and blamed it on a fever. Things then seemed to settle down for a while and then covid happened and a lot of his work has been paused so he’s getting full pay and just ticking things over. It’s the least stressed I e ever seen him and then all of a sudden he lands job 6 on me and says he wants to resign as he’s not happy. To make things worse the job is a 1.5/2hr commute away so ok for covid working remotely but not long term. I’ve told him it’s crazy to be leaving in the current climate and he’s lucky to have a job. He’s getting paid 80k and not even doing much whilst in lockdown.

I’m just at my wits end with it all as the common denominator of the 6 jobs is him and I can’t help but wonder if the problem
is him. It’s causing me lots of anxiety as when he’s unhappy all the time with work and constantly moaning it can be very draining. I fear it will be like this forever and I’m now at the point where I can’t cope if it happens a 7th time which is a lot of pressure for me to put on him for this job to be “the one”.

Any advice appreciated, I feel so alone as he doesn’t like me telling my family/friends about his job hopping as he’s embarrassed and he’s not fully honest with his parents about it all. I’ve read similar forums which say try counselling but I think he’d be hard to persuade to try something like that and if he did he I don’t think he’d be honest with them about the last two years

If he earns 80k, if he worked his finances right the job hopping wouldn't really matter.

It sounds like there isn't much time between one job and the next anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I can imagine it's anxiety provoking for you.

But I suppose you say it's the moaning that's most annoying.

It sounds like he might be happier if he chose a role with less stress or one where he didn't have to have much to do with people at all- maybe he could be self employed as some sort of consultant, then he can move from one job to the next.

I suppose he has to acknowledge the problem before he can find a steady solution.

Perhaps when he fails at the current job, you could let him know how you feel about the job hopping (if you haven't already) and he can look into going freelance or doing a less stressful role?

n literally just as I was boarding a plane to Botswana (a holiday I booked before we met) he told me he’d been let go

It's all about him, isn't it?

Did he phone to tell you to have a great time? No.

Op. You sound far too lovely. Don't take on a drama queen - the quote might not fit but he sure does - You know you don't want this in your life. Fuck him off and look for someone who makes you feel really special and gives you the life you deserve. (When lockdown is over, obviously).

Yes you’ve hit the nail in the head. It’s not financially a concern as he earns enough when he’s working that it if he ends up out of work again it won’t affect us and thankfully I have a good stable career and own the flat we live in and am very financially independent.

It’s just seeing him so unhappy all the time and yes the Moaning is hard as I really have to bite my tongue as most of the time I want to tell him to get a grip. And I have at times when we’ve had arguments, I’ve been very honest and he knows what I think about it all.

It’s like you say though, he needs to acknowledge the problem himself rather than me preaching at him or nothing will change.

What makes it so hard is the anxiety attacks he suffered in nov resulting in going to a&e. He’s never had that before with the other jobs so it’s hard to persuade him to stick this job out longer when it has made him ill. It’s coming up to a year now in this job which is the longest I’ve seen.

I think you’re right, he does need to freelance or try something different. I’ve told him before that I’m happy to support him if he wants to set up by himself or retrain in something that he’ll be happier in but he puts all this pressure on himself given he’s coming up to 40 it like he thinks he needs this big shot career and currently feels like a failure. It’s frustrating as I don’t want to kill his dream of that but we’d both be much happier if he had a job on less money and less stress

I know I did think that when he phoned, it was almost a bit cruel to do that as I just worried about him the whole time I was away and how horrible that was for him. He said he didn’t want to lie to me or keep any secrets which is why he told me.

That is sweet. It’s reassuring to hear people’s comments as I have an internal battle with myself about whether I’m being to harsh when he’s going to a&e with panic attacks/ anxiety and then I’m adding pressure to him to keep his job. He’s never suggested otherwise but I worry I’m not being supportive enough

Please don't take this the wrong way but:

He’s never suggested otherwise but I worry I’m not being supportive enough

This is ridiculous - when he is out of work, you are carrying the entire financial load and it also sounds like more than your fair share of the emotional load, too.

As I said before, the constant job-hopping is about how his needs and wants are more important than considering what would be best for you as a couple - take care of yourself

What has he accumulated financially over the decades on his high salary?

I am concerned he may be manipulative - I am not surprised that you own a property and he moved in with you.

Calling you as you boarded your flight was cruel and the A&E panic attacks are a another classic drama lama tactic.

FFS how much stress is there in a digital marketing job? He’s not running an ICU, working down a mine or a paramedic.

But you seem intent on enabling hid character flaws. Why do you feel that a 40 year old man that you have only been involved with for a relatively short time requires your financial and emotional sacrifices?

There’s a good reason that this man doesn’t want you to discuss this with your family and friends. What advice do you think they would give you if you spoke to them? Sorry to say it but you will never have long term security with this man. It’s better to be single than to be in a relationship that makes you feel stressed and anxious.

but he puts all this pressure on himself given he’s coming up to 40 it like he thinks he needs this big shot career and currently feels like a failure.

Because he is. He has had two decades to crack it. He hasn’t. He is out of his depth.

He sounds deluded, entitled and arrogant.

It’s frustrating as I don’t want to kill his dream of that

Don’t worry he is nearly there doing that for himself.

There’s been no financial load / burden but yes emotional because of how stressed I get over it.

I know I’ve said to him I think he’s being selfish. Thank you 💐

Guys like this are a dime a dozen. You'll wind up miserable. I'd throw him back in the sea and find another one.

There’s a good reason that this man doesn’t want you to discuss this with your family and friends. What advice do you think they would give you if you spoke to them?

Whoops sorry missed this additional manipulative and controlling behaviour. Of course his family and friends know his (no doubt shocking) track record and anyone of your friends would ask why you are putting your own MH at risk by absorbing his recklessness.

I am interested what he has accumulated and consolidated financially over the decades. Does he have property, savings or investments? I am assuming not as he was unable to financially support himself for 2 months and had to move into yours. This would ring alarm bells for me - where is his £80K going? Up his nose? Online gambling?

Not at all, he’s not a gambler or a drug addict or narcissistic and all these things you keep implying. I’m not defending his job actions as he’s he’s being selfish and reckless but it’s hard to trust advice where he’s been tarnished with these other things which just aren’t true

My husband is similar though not quite 7 jobs in two years. He has ADHD and has an inner restlessness and often a dislike of authority. He works in a digital role and hadn't had many jobs longer than a year (usually his choice to leave, often they literally beg him to stay and hugely rate him). He also has a relatively senior role. In the beginning like you I was enormously sympathetic - his role and bosses sounded truly unbearable but it then became a pattern. I hear you re:the moaning!

Here are my observations for what they are worth:

My husband is very convincing about WHY each role/manager/colleague is unreasonable. In the beginning I agreed with him. After a couple of years I challenged him vehemently, now I listen quietly. He knows exactly what I think.

I used to think each time he got a new role he was excited about it would be different, it might be the one. Now we take the view that if he hits a year that is an achievement and that's a more realistic target for him (less pressure)

Although he does get asked about it in interviews it's not completely uncommon in his sphere and the fact he keeps getting jobs is a good sign. He did have a period of months out of work which really threw him and he now at least says he wants some stability (although he's just hit a year in his current job and does complain bitterly about his role)

My husband has side hustles that give him energy and pleasure. This can slightly take the edge off work needing to be "great".

There is a known curve that shows that about 3-4 months into a role you hit the nadir - after the initial excitement and optimism you see the warts and all before it picks back up. Might help to show him this.

In general I adore my husband and wouldn't leave him. I know the restlessness is linked to ADHD (I've become more understanding since we've had a son who has the same condition). My other half is quite self aware which helps at times though isn't great at self regulation so he does let it all pour out which can be hard for me. From what you've said my concern would be the bit about about him walking out without giving proper notice. That affects other people and really isn't great.

I know other people with ADHD who are very similar. Some of them take contract roles (my husband hated that though) and others have started their own business.

It's easy for other people to tell you to walk away but in my view so long as you don't expect to change him or expect he will magically find the perfect role one day it is possible to make it work. My husband is a kind and incredible human being and mostly a wonderful father and I wouldn't be with anyone else.

Would he see a career counselor/advisor

Interesting your husband has ADHD @MrsWonderland as so do I, I was a terrible job hopper when younger and still get itchy feet very easily.

I see things very differently to almost all posters above.
Yes I appreciate he could be the common denominator.

But most business owners I have met manage their businesses very poorly. Whilst training to go accounts I went on many many audits, and you should see how most companies are run. Awful. Most of them.

I have a job I've been doing for 10 years, but my boss is not a good people manager.

I've taken on 2 extra part time jobs recently. The management was shocking! I myself have started to question whether I am the common denominator, or why I couldn't continue to work for these two firms. I left. I'm been at another one for a year. The woman is awful. Isn't that a shame?

Dh is a Manager, who is currently working for a big company, think BT or British Gas type company. Their management is truely awful.

So whilst he may be flaky and unreliable. Let's not pretend that most businesses are run well. Because actually few are.

I wonder if he secretly gets anxious about failing/gets paralysed by imposter syndrome. Not living up to Dad. It's an odd pattern. But it's not going to work past 40 for an equal and sustainable partnership. Don't have kids with him. Encourage him to talk to a counsellor, a mentor, a friend or a parent about the jobs (with shame you need to share to overcome it).

I work in almost exactly the same role OP. I share your OHs frustrations. It's a very in demand skill set, interesting and well paid, which means you can move around easily, but also that there are a lot of people who, to put this nicely, aren't very good.

The thing with digital marketing is that it's all about results, if someone is good, they can prove it, everything is entirely trackable to the bottom line. If they're not, it's not easy to hide. I'd say the situation is either.

A. They find a nice little niche in a large corporate company where they are able to deflect their performance onto others , this could be the case that your OH is finding this type and getting frustrated, as their low performance is impacting on his.

B. Or, they could be the one in charge, They've managed to bullshit themselves higher, taken credit for others skills to move around a lot / been interviewed for the role by someone who isn't a specialist (happens a lot) but the reality is they're all show and no trousers.

The problem you'll have with his employment behaviour is you will always feel like you have to be the financial stability for the relationship. You'll always feel responsible, financially for the family. You'll always have to have a good, steady job to ensure the bills are paid, dc fed and watered etc. This is because he's job will never be that. It's a heavy weight to carry. Especially if you have dc, I'm presuming here, that you'll also have to take responsibility for any dc too, as he earns more than you and will always be in a probation period at work, so not only will you be carrying the family stability financially wise, but doing the lions share of being responsible for the dc.

There's so many posts on here where men have a nice cushy life with a woman who has a good, steady job and they play at working, or do what makes them happy, or change jobs all the time. That's because they know you'll support them.

Thank you mrswonderland, your response was very helpful and relatable.

I agree about him not giving notice. I heard him try to negotiate with the new company a later start date but they wouldn’t which I think meant they were also as desperate as him and I advised him against it.

It is hard when people are telling me to walk away as he’s the best person I’ve ever met and I’ve dated a lot. I feel physically sick this morning after being in tears most of last night at the thorough of braking up but then like you say he’s not going to magically change.

re your comment:-

"And this last job for example, he’s showed me private messages on linked in from two other directors one that left and one still there who have said similar things to him about the senior management team"

And what were those saying about him?.

If I did not know better I would be thinking you are writing about my BIL. He is precisely as you have described this man flitting from one short lasting job to another until he does not. As soon as employers get wind of what he is really like i.e. is unable to work with anyone, detests being told what to do and wants to become CEO as soon as he is in the office, then he was out of there. He is quite plausible to those in the outside world and can talk the talk (he also does some jobs for people on the side and tells them he is an accountant when he is not). Many people have been fooled by him, he is really a master manipulator.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why are you with someone like this man, he is still flaky and resistant and he is not and never was a fixer upper or a project to rescue and or save. Its more than ok to say to yourself here that you have made a mistake here with this man. He is really a slightly less crap version of your ex's but they were all awful too as is really this man now. Your blueprint for relationships is flawed; putting up with shit as your mother did is not a good relationship lesson to have learnt.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with codependency?.

Why are his needs here seemingly more important than yours?.
He hit paydirt when he met you and your own relationship history to date is not great either, he knows that too.

Oblomo20, that’s so weird you say that as I’m an auditor too and know exactly what you mean. When I hear him moan about how bad management / systems/ data /budget is I keep telling him it’s the same where I work (in my opinion worse from what he’s told me)

I guess the worry is, if he can’t tolerate these badly run companies he’ll be waiting a very long time until he can find one he does tolerate

If he is really the best person you have ever dated then it may well be wise now to tear up that flawed blueprint of yours and unlearn the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way.

I have advised him to talk to his parents honestly as he needs to see I’m not the only person who speaks like this.

I really want him to see a counsellor and that my next step I think. I’m sure he’ll say no but if there’s a chance of us staying together I think he really needs to

And what about you here?. You will be still carrying him like you are now; he is a non paying passenger in this relationship.

No company would ever employ my BIL now. He has driven himself into becoming unemployable. Its not these companies necessarily at fault here, this man is the common denominator. He may well think that working is actually beneath him, its for the "little people".