Partner keeps changing job (5 in 2 years) about to quit and move to 6th during covid?

[Lsw86]

Hello,

Looking for some advice or just generally some opinions as I feel I have nobody to talk to about this.

I met by boyfriend two years ago and we’ve lived together 18 months. I’m 33 and he’s 38 and works in digital marketing as head of / director level. The short story is, he’s about to quit his job whilst covid I happening to move to his 6th job in two years. Details below.

When we met he was working for company number 1 but kept moaning about how shambolic the company was in particular the senior management. Fully supported him and encourage him whilst he applied for job 2. He let the two jobs overlap rather than let his old company know / give notice which I wasn’t happy about.

Job number 2 he worked for a couple of weeks then literally just as I was boarding a plane to Botswana (a holiday I booked before we met) he told me he’d been let go as they no longer needed someone at that level. I again supported him and was empathetic. At this point he moved in with me, partly as we wanted to anyway and has discussed before he lost his job but also so I could financially support him whilst he was out of work.

Then job 3 was a temp job, he ended up leaving as he claimed they blamed him for something to do with a purchase order so I again supported and was sympathetic.

A few weeks later he took job 4 out of desperation. After a few weeks I met the owner of the company and colleagues who were saying such positive things about my boyfriend in how well he was doing and they seemed lovely. Then one of the guys who he didn’t particularly like ended up becoming his boss and he started Moaning similar to job 1 about incompetent management etc.

He then left to go to job 5 without even giving job 4 any notice so left on bad terms. My patience was wearing thin now as he hadn’t even been there 6 months and his cv was so unstable I was worried it will ruin his job prospects. He told me he’d met the person who he’d be taking over from who had warned him about the management not to trust them etc.

Job 5 I thought it was finally resolved though when he spoke the most positively I’d heard him speak eg nice to work with competent people but before long (3/4 months in) the usual grumbles came about incompetent management.

He then started getting heart palpitations to the point where I ended up taking him to A&E. He refused to believe it was stress or anxiety even though the hospital indicated this and blamed it on a fever. Things then seemed to settle down for a while and then covid happened and a lot of his work has been paused so he’s getting full pay and just ticking things over. It’s the least stressed I e ever seen him and then all of a sudden he lands job 6 on me and says he wants to resign as he’s not happy. To make things worse the job is a 1.5/2hr commute away so ok for covid working remotely but not long term. I’ve told him it’s crazy to be leaving in the current climate and he’s lucky to have a job. He’s getting paid 80k and not even doing much whilst in lockdown.

I’m just at my wits end with it all as the common denominator of the 6 jobs is him and I can’t help but wonder if the problem
is him. It’s causing me lots of anxiety as when he’s unhappy all the time with work and constantly moaning it can be very draining. I fear it will be like this forever and I’m now at the point where I can’t cope if it happens a 7th time which is a lot of pressure for me to put on him for this job to be “the one”.

Any advice appreciated, I feel so alone as he doesn’t like me telling my family/friends about his job hopping as he’s embarrassed and he’s not fully honest with his parents about it all. I’ve read similar forums which say try counselling but I think he’d be hard to persuade to try something like that and if he did he I don’t think he’d be honest with them about the last two years

Yes treaclerpots I have been reading online and it says marketing is the profession with the highest churn and accounting/audit (my job) the lowest so we’re in polar opposite jobs.

Where he is at the moment, I think they do rate him as they didn’t even have Facebook campaigns which he set up as a new channel and brought more revenue in. He was on a fixed contract initially but they made him permanent and gave him a 20k payrise. Also with covid his whole team has been furloughed and his boss was let go but they’ve kept him on and even given him some of the responsibility of his boss so he must be doing something right whilst he’s actually at work, just wish he could stick it out longer

What you wish for may well not happen i.e counselling so what then for you?. Better to be on your own than to be so poorly accompanied.

FWIW I doubt very much that he will enter into counselling; he likely thinks he has done nothing wrong here at all.

Be very careful OP
His personality type is always to blame everyone around them for everything rightly or wrongly. It won’t be long before this dissatisfied attitude comes into your personal life ... every one of life’s little niggles will be laid at your door .

Please leave this man now .
He’s a narcissist- I speak from experience

Good luck

I spent 30 years with a man like this. We got through it financially as he earned well when employed, and I earned well throughout. But I had 6 weeks maternity leave with each of my three CS babies, I felt I had no choice but to keep my head down and work every hour god sent as I 100% could not depend on him. I also ended up doing all childcare as he was just flaky and irresponsible there too. So I'm now still a workaholic whose only other interest in life is her DC. The worst thing though was the isolation of not sharing my concerns with ANYONE, as I agreed to that demand from him too. I took all the burden. All of these things seem ridiculous in retrospect, what was I thinking?

It was never diagnosed, but I think my XH has ADHD and dyslexia. With fantastic teaching at his grammar school he got into Oxford. That was his last success but the degree from there (a Third, mind) plus charm and excellent interview technique meant he always got another job. Only one in 30 years lasted more than three years. He couldn't apply himself, he couldn't sell, he couldn't answer to anyone, he couldn't understand office politics, he couldn't see the writing on the wall. After three successful court cases with his last three employers (ie he managed to get payouts) at 58 he's finally hit the buffers and is on benefits, leeching off a different woman. He'll end up leeching off the DC . We're still friends, in many ways he's absolutely lovely, but as a life partner? No.

If you want a life that is about you and not about him, OP, you need to say goodbye.

Oh and I'm an accountant/auditor too. There's a bit of a theme here!

I think the problem is him. And I think he probably is out of his depth and isn't up to the job. It's very easy to blame the competence of other people to cover up the fact he doesn't really know what's he's doing. He probably talks a good talk at interview but can't actually do the job and has been over promoted. I'm a CEO and had people work for me before in this kind of role who have walked out when the heat started being turned up on their performance and it was clear they weren't delivering. If that's the case I'm not sure things will start to get better. I wouldn't hire someone with that kind of job history and I'm sure he's only got away with it to date because digital marketeers are in demand. He will run out if road eventually.

This would be a problem for me too.

What's his job history like before you met him? Has he ever stuck at a long term role?

Three questions that you need to consider:

1. Why has he insisted that you don't talk to any of his friends and family about this? Does potentially being complicit in secrets and lies alarm you?

1. How financially literate is he? What has he accumulated over the decades - does he have savings, investments, property? Where has his vast disposable income gone?

1. How sustainable is it for you to endure his constant negativity, finger pointing and blame of others. It must be emotionally draining and miserable for you.

Know that this is who he is - he will not change. It seems that you both have very different approaches to careers, money and interactions with people. This difference has caused you increasing anxiety for the vast majority of the time you have been together as you are absorbing and internalising his stress. You are already considering making massive compromises to your life goals (which are v basic) - to buy a house and get married in order to enable and accommodate his flaws.

I would consider that you are generally just incompatible on many significant areas and the emotional backflips you do to try to ignore those feelings and control
him instead suggests you may have issues with codependency.

Maybe see a counsellor yourself to work this through. What was the issue in your upbringing with your Dad - I expect there is something in this that you are carrying.

• I can’t help but wonder if the problem is him. It’s causing me lots of anxiety*

It just might be him.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

He doesn't sound like a good bet for a long term partner. I couldn't live with that level of uncertainty. He sounds as if he would make an entertaining friend.

I think he’s telling them that he’s contracting and just not putting on some of the shorter ones

This is the first sign from what you have written that he is actually being untruthful. Most well paid jobs are in industry sectors where things like this get around. People will know his record.

It's v v telling that he doesn't want to go contract, but is he actually pretending that he has?

What can he point to, as his achievements?

the anxiety attacks he suffered in nov resulting in going to a&e. He’s never had that before with the other jobs so it’s hard to persuade him to stick this

a bit cruel to do that as I just worried about him the whole time I was away and how horrible that was for him. He said he didn’t want to lie to me or keep any secrets

I'm sorry, I think you are being played. It's all about him and what he wants. I'm not seeing any consideration for you.

Going back to the role he performs, Digital media is still very new with lots of scope for people with big ideas to do great things. The popular saying is that 80% of a marketing budget is wasted , the trouble is working out which 80% it is.

It still comes down to him and what he wants in his life. Are you content to swim in his slipstream, do you get vicarious pleasure from the drama in his life?

Whatever you try and think of to solve the issue, here is the thing. It's not going to work until he is prepared to change. MN is full of threads from unhappy people being told not to expect their DP to change.

The biggest red flag is that he doesn't want you to discuss anything with the people who know him. Do they perhaps also know that he's not a long term prospect for work or home life?

I don't know much about that industry, but in my profession there are small, private agencies that hire out consultants for short contracts for gobs of money. They usually slot into a company for a couple of months to work on a specific project and then get moved on to the next gig.

These agencies are usually run by experienced pros who have been in the biz for years and have tons of contacts. So, it's more freedom, without having to chase your own work. He might be more suited to something like that.

When I’ve said to him that I feel like I can’t talk to my friends and family about he’s told me I can maybe it’s me making the assumption he wouldn’t want me to as I know I’d be embarrassed about it all.

He told me today that he has to put his health first which is why he needs to move jobs. I told him I also need to put my health first and this job hopping is affecting it.

I’ve emailed a counsellor I went to a few years ago to see if she can fit me in as I really need to talk to someone properly about this. I feel so isolated going through this with him in lockdown feeling like I can’t speak to family and friends. I’m worried that once I do there’s no turning back (which says it all really)

That’s great that you have taken steps to support yourself now. Well done on posting here. Well done on contacting a counsellor. Well done on passing the responsibilities for his life and MH right back to him.

Never be isolated, ashamed or embarrassed. Talk to your family and friends you need a supportive outlet. They would be devastated if you were in stress and didn’t ask for comfort.

“He told me today that he has to put his health first which is why he needs to move jobs. I told him I also need to put my health first and this job hopping is affecting it.”

Good for you. He needs to grow up. Does he imagine that everyone else is just having a perpetual blast at their jobs? That no-one else ever has to deal with challenging bosses, tough deadlines, rough days and so on? It appears that he has never learnt how to deal with those challenges and has just developed the habit of walking instead.

How will he feel health-wise if he renders himself unemployable as will surely soon be the case? Personally I would not want to try to build a life with someone so irresponsible - he needs to get his act together.

I do suffer anxiety when DH loses his job, we have had a year between jobs at times.
To decrease my anxiety, we now have 12 months worth of his wages in the bank to live off, when he next is out of work.
When he whinges that he is unhappy and wants to leave, I insist that he has a new job to go to. He works construction, so some job losses inevitable.
I think having him have savings to live off, as well as counseling for him, would be a minimum for you.
You are also sensible having counseling yourself.
Good luck 💐

He never leaves without a job to go to and he does has savings so that’s some positive.

I told him today that I want to see a counsellor and I’d like him to join me and he was very against it. I’ve told him I don’t know where to go from here and that’s the only option I can think of so he needs to do this for us so he agreed but we’ll see

Do not make this your problem to solve. You should not have to go with him to see a counsellor.

I feel like in need to see a counsellor because I love him so much and breaks my heart to think of not having him in my life.

I’ve obvs highlighted all the bad stuff here but he’s very loyal, committed (to me not job), I can talk to him about anything, he’s very caring and understanding, generous, helps and supports me live my life long goal of travelling to 100 countries, we chat for hours, have great chemistry.

It’s very difficult to deal with the emotion of maybe this being something I’d have to leave him for when we have such a great relationship otherwise

As someone up thread said - these types make great friends - great fun in the easy times etc.

But you KNOW he is not meeting all of your emotional needs for an intimate RS (never mind your wants) - even the most basic one actually of emotional reliability - because he is up and down and dumps all his stress on you.

You know this because your gut is screaming at you, you are ignoring and fighting it and that’s the pain and turmoil you feel right now. You are not being honest with yourself.

You are doing everything to fix and soothe him and bring him to an even keel - but he is not even cooperating.

Haha trust me I am not fixing and soothing him. I’ve been very honest that he needs to take accountability for all the job hopping. I’ve probably been doing the exact opposite of soothing since job 4-5

My gut is screaming at me that it would be such a mistake to throw it all away because if this if I’m honest

Hmm. Agree with others that he may suit freelance work more, if he has the technical skills, but gets frustrated with the day to day 'people stuff'

That said, I tend to move every 18 months to 4 years and I thought I was quite bad. I've recently moved from people management to technical/performance management and I'm much happier. Perhaps he needs to review what makes him happy about a role - prestige of a director title is all well and good but does it actually make him happy.

Also, this isn't your problem to resolve, or worry about. He's a grown man and he'll either sort it, or drag you down. Your choice.

My gut is screaming at me that it would be such a mistake to throw it all away because if this if I’m honest

That's not "gut", that's codependent fear.

You're "throwing away" a miserable life of carrying someone who will increasingly resent your support and your own talents and success until he eventually cheats with a less impressive woman for an ego boost and leaves you. It's a tale as old as time.

I agree with a lot of what’s on here but I have to say I disagree with that. He’s not a cheater and this isn’t a trust issue here. I think it’s maybe time for me to come off here and wait to speak to the counsellor. I really appreciate everyone’s advice but there’s lots of traits being implied to him that just aren’t true. Thank you everyone for your help 🙂

I don't think you should break up with him actually, not without trying the counseling first.

I don't think he fits the usual pattern of job hoppers you see on here. He's not hopeless at his job, he's very good at it. He keeps getting new jobs even with his record. He's in an industry that's notorious for bad management and high staff turnover. He is generous with you financially.

I would definitely be worried about this new job if he's already been warned about it and it's far away. I would be pushing him to go freelance or hold out for a better job. Totally agree there. He should also stop moaning too much at you.

The counselling will hopefully clarify why he does this, why it bothers you, and whether any kind of compromise can be reached. I would go through this before making any big decisions.

I understand what he's doing is frustrating, at the same time it's not entirely healthy to suck up a terrible job for years either -- it's partly why there are so many terrible places to work, because people are conditioned to put up with it!

Haha trust me I am not fixing and soothing him. I’ve been very honest that he needs to take accountability for all the job hopping. I’ve probably been doing the exact opposite of soothing since job 4-5

To be fair, though, that is what you have been saying. How could you follow through?

At what point did the new symptoms that needed A&E and health begin?

I'm very sorry for you. Just ask yourself what it is about this relationship that you want to hold on to. Is it the actual lived experience of your daily life or is it how your relationship could be if he could just stick with a job.

I think you are projecting. You wouldn't leave your audit job. Apart from one time he hasn't left his job without something to go to. He is climbing up the career ladder (you say he had a £20k pay rise). He's in a relatively new creative industry. It's normal to move around, much
more so than in a traditional profession. Lots of people moan about their jobs and your
stpry is going to resonate with people about their failed relationships so you will get told
Why he will be a bad husband and dad. My husband constantly moans about his job. He's the boss. But he has to just get on with it because we need the money he earns (and the money I earn). Lots of people are pretty crap at their job by the way.

Do
You get on with his parents? I would maybe talk to them about your
Worries for
Him. You might find
Out much more about his character. I like
To think my husband wouldn't leave me because I had a panic
Attack.

Sorry op but saw this and you sprang to mind