How much did your parents help you in life?

[GummyBeear]

My parents never helped me/ checked I was studying. Not even for my GSCE exams.
They were not bothered if I did A levels or went to university.
They barely took an interest in what I liked. My dad never asked about my day at school as he would just watch TV or play video games from the moment he got home until bedtime. Conversations with my parents, especially my dad are very shallow (mainly what's on tv or him saying something racist or complaining what someone has done to annoy him). When I first met my boyfriends family for dinner at their house I was shocked they sat around at a dinner table (instead of eating food on their laps infront of the TV) and talked to each other about their day and politics (my dads political discussion is him having a racist rant and a tantrum or storming off if you disagree).
They never pushed me do to anything, not a sporting activity or an instrument (they would not have paid for lessons anyways). When I tried to learn a language on my own not only did I get no encouragement from them my dad would say it was a waste of time as everyone speaks English.
I have had severe ocd since I was 16 (really messed up my A levels because of it) and my parents never noticed there was anything wrong.
They barely bought me any clothes. I would pretend to be ill on non uniform days as I barely had any clothes. From age 16 I had to buy my own clothes with money from a summer job so I had clothes to wear for 6th form.
I was never allowed friends over. The excuse was that the house is a mess.
They never helped me financially at university, not a penny. Not even a cheap graduation gift.
They did not pay for driving lessons, most my friends at university could drive because their parents paid for them.
They asked to borrow about 2000 pounds (most of the money I had saved from working over the summer holidays) and have never paid it a back. Money that would have been very useful at university. My dad has plenty of money for his hobbies though. Even when I was scrimping and saving at university I bought my dad a birthday gift but never got a thanks or one in return.

It's led me to resent my parents and be very jealous of people who have parents that helped, incouraged and pushed them in life. Some parents help their kids financially, mine took all the money I had saved and never paid me back. Frankly makes me very angry towards them.

A lot. My parents are two of the best people I've ever known.

They sound absolutely awful
Well done on getting through university
Are you working now?

Not much.
They took some interest but to be honest, had such a lot of their own stuff to deal with so we were not top of the priority list for them at all.

As adults they do nothing.

My dad has remarried and has children so it’s very much like I am a visitor who pops in for a coffee every now and again.
For example I’ve had not even a single text from him during lockdown, I’ve text him, nothing back. He hasn’t changed phones or number.

I am pretty much my mothers carer which is very very challenging as she gave me nothing loving, constructive or supportive growing up. A very difficult woman who’s physical and mental aggression towards me has blackened our relationship.

Nothing really. They didn't push me to stick at anything, even school. Let me leave as soon as I was allowed, didn't encourage me to study, they pretty much left me to it. I really regret not pushing myself more but I was a bit fucked up as a teenager after years of horrendous bullying, all I cared about was fitting in which led to a lot of drinking, partying and eventually teen pregnancy. I don't have a bad childhood but I do wish they had pushed me more.

And to answer your question, mine did everything they could for all 5 of the children they had.

Oh my goodness OP, it sounds like you have had a really, really tough experience. I am so sorry that your parents haven’t supported you in the way that they should have. And to borrow money from you is disgusting enough on its own, let alone without paying you back!

It sounds like you have shown them a lot of kindness that hasn’t been reciprocated. That must be very hard and you are more than entitled to feel angry and upset about their behaviour.

I am not surprised that you feel resentful towards people who have had supportive parents.

Would it perhaps help you to view the experience in a different light? For example, you say that you saved up that money from working. It sounds like their lack of support has made you determined, hard working and self-sufficient. I’m not saying that this makes it ok or that you should be thankful for that, but sometimes it can be helpful to recognise when you have been able to take a shitty situation and make something good out of it!

Now they have went through a really bad separation. My mum lived with us for 6 months and they are both using me as a crutch and the middle man, and I'm guilt tripped anytime one finds out I've done anything for the other. My mum is especially bad. I feel like the parent.

They sound really abusive. So no, that's not normal. Normal (non-abusive) parents help and encourage their children as best they can. It wasn't your fault and well done for getting an education and, I hope, a better life away from them.

Mine were fairly uninterested but I was the last child and maybe they were worn out by then! I wasn't encouraged or supported in any of my hopes and plans particularly but maybe that made me more determined. They weren't like your parents who do sound pretty awful but were decent people who were verging on indifferent at times! Mainly I think they couldn't relate to my interests and ambitions.

They don't sound great OP.
However, some people don't believe in education because it has never benefited their family and friends. They may know people who've made a lot of money without it or people who spent time and money on an education and then couldn't get a job. The mistrust of education is a wider cultural problem. Your Dad's attitude to learning languages is also pretty common in the UK.
Educating Rita's on the i-player at the moment if you want to see a (rather stereotypical) portrayal of a family who don't value education at all.

Having said that, my parents never taught me to drive or paid for lessons They didn't buy me many clothes either - I wore hand me downs, jumble sale clothes and things I bought with saved up birthday money and we weren't that poor either.

They did support me through uni though (pre fees) and didn't charge rent when I was living there and didn't have a permanent job.

I wonder what is your parents level of education? What opportunities where offered to them?
I rememeber working with a family that had real issues. (to the point of almost loosing the kids.) But was told that mum was doing better than how she had been brought up. (My mind boggled to how her childhood was

My parents did everything they could for me and my brothers. But their parents did everything for them too, and I've done everything I can for mine.

Sounds like you had a bit of a tough time growing up. The key thing is to break the pattern. Give your own kids everything so they'll grow up with a good example

My parents always encouraged me and my siblings to do what made us happy and they were supportive in that way but they were not educated themselves so did not have a clue re exams/university and trusted that we had guidance from school for that. We definitely all underachieved.

They were also young parents but with traditional gender roles verging on old-fashioned in their views.

They let us live at home between university and jobs etc but were not in a position to support us financially.

In many ways they let us get on with it and we all left home and became independent in our teens.

Absolutely nothing from either parent,ever.
They were both awful people who I have had nothing to do with since I left home at 17,was working by then but could barely afford to run my tiny flat and car which I saved up and paid for myself,asked my dad if I could borrow something towards the insurance and was given the speech about it not growing on trees,paid it myself in the end.

I was a little shit of a kid in highschool, they tried to get me to stick in but were fighting a loosing battle.
I was always told growing up whenever i asked for anything "wait till your birthday or Christmas" which when I look back and think that was fair enough, as i know money was tight for them sometimes & the things i asked for wernt cheap i.e coats, trainers, latest fashion whatever.
I was given pocket money granted not alot compared to some of friends.
At 17 was given a small amount of money to be put through my driving lessons, but i was not allowed this till i had a job & could run a car on my own money, again now I'm older i understand.
The rest since leaving school & getting a job is down to me.
I bought a salon buisness at 22, my mam does help but not with money, more general running of salon i.e cleaning & up keep as i do it on my own.
If i asked for help im sure they would help where they could.
I understand why you would feel this way though

That's sad op.
My parents didn't really encourage my education and so I left school at 16.
I went to a uni at 32 and now have a professional job. I do resent them especially as by the time I went I had to pay fees.
Both my own kids and were supported through uni as me and my exh paid for their rent.
I never really felt emotionally supported either and now have made a conscious effort to have a different relationship with my kids.
It's carried on too as my parents didn't help at all with my kids when they were growing up so they aren't close either. You reap what you sow.

Much the same as the OP. Overall they were too preoccupied with their own (self inflicted) personal dramas to notice a damn thing any of their three children did.

No interest in schoolwork/exams/studying once I was out of primary school. Never encouraged to study, but still expected to do very well. My mother actually lied to a headmistress once when I changed schools to get me in a higher maths group. I was already struggling with maths and was too embarrassed to tell my teacher. Luckily we moved again 6 months later.

Hobbies/friends actively discouraged (boring, apparently) Didn't like it on the one occasion I had two friends around when I was 14 and made them feel very unwelcome. Never happened again.

My father refused to pay for me to go to university, but was earning too much for me to receive any grants (this was pre student loans, when university tuition was still completely free) I didn't first attend university until I was 25.

I married at 21 for all the wrong reasons - mainly to get away from them - and was divorced at 23. My mother emotionally blackmailed me into using most of my financial settlement to take her and all her possessions (including shipping all her furniture out) back to Australia (our home country). My original plan had been to go back alone for a holiday, and I was stupid enough to share that plan with her. Next thing I'm paying for 3 plane tickets (my younger brother came too), shipping, hotels, deposit on a flat when we arrived, etc. The shippers underestimated on the charges for our personal possessions (mainly because of her fucking furniture) and all my stuff ended up getting dumped. I literally had what I had packed in the one suitcase I'd taken on the plane. All her furniture turned out to be reproduction crap and not the antiques she had spent the previous decade wasting a fortune on, before my father divorced her (she was a SAHM). The 'antique' store she used had ripped her off on a industrial scale and she was too stupid to actually check she was getting the real thing. The cheap glues used came apart in the heat and it all fell to bits within year. I wasted £7K, all the money I received in the divorce, on that trip.

I was back in the UK after she drove me to a massive nervous breakdown and had tried killing myself, just over a year later, homeless and with less than £50 to my name. My mother never apologised for any of it.

I never felt - and never was - a priority to either parent. Their wishes and desires always came first. They never ever considered how much damage they did to all their children...and my mother to this day can't understand why she doesn't have any grandchildren.

So sorry OP. Your upbringing sounds very similar to mine.

My parents were not the slightest bit interested in my GCSEs, A Levels and never encouraged me to revise (so I didn't). I did fine but I could have been a much higher achiever. They had no knowledge of my day to day life or expectations on me at uni. Never bothers to go to my parents evening appointments in primary or secondary. Weren't interested in supporting me with driving lessons as I got older and never helped/encouraged me to get into any hobbies or clubs as a child. I didn't even have swimming lessons. They didn't like me having friends over and would shout at me if I so much as offered them a snack, which I always felt I should because my friends' parents were very generous when I went to theirs and would always offer me juice, stay for dinner, bring up snacks. Unfortunately, both of my parents (although divorced when I was a young child) were only interested in their own lives. To this day my mother "jokes" that she wants to make stuff up to me for being a crap mum. I think she hopes that I will say one day she isn't a crap mum but I'll never say that as she has been!

Hi

You should take pleasure and pride that your achievements are entirely your own, and not because you had an easy ride.

My mum and dad both left school in the 60s at 16 and went straight into employment. My mum did an OU degree in her late 20s to early 30s and got a better job after her BA. I was supported financially through university. My parents help out my brother and his family as they are a low income family. I don't ask them for any money at all but we have gone on holiday with them where they have paid more than half the cost and last year they gifted £3000 towards my kitchen. They also set up a tiny trust fund for our daughter. They aren't rich but have been careful.

Mine were the same in that they didn't push me or siblings academically or encouraged us in any worthwhile way. As long as the school didn't call them they weren't bothered. Meeting other people made me realise just how hands off they were at a time when we really could have done with their support. Sometimes I get angry thinking about it but it's done now. All I know is that I will be, and already am behind my dd every step of the way. That's all you can do really - if you have children - support them like you would have wanted to be as a child.

That’s awful- especially taking the £2000 you worked for and saved up before you went to uni

Wow @crosser62
I am pretty much my mothers carer which is very very challenging as she gave me nothing loving, constructive or supportive growing up. A very difficult woman who’s physical and mental aggression towards me has blackened our relationship.
So sorry that sounds so sad. Being a carer or even close to that to a parent who likes/loved you is hard enough, but this....

@GummyBeear
Don't let your anger at your, frankly, negligent parents eat into you because that will hurt you more than it will them.
Assuming that they haven't nor will change, I suggest you just ease yourself both physically and mentally out of their lives as much as you can and live your own life without reference to them. Feel no guilt about this, and don't allow anyone else to make you feel guilty either.

You have earned the life you had by your own planning, persistence and hard work so enjoy what you have now and in the future.

If it would help you maybe get some therapy for yourself to talk this through with a professional counsellor and take some of the pain off you. Good luck to you OP. 🌹

Will the answers help?

My parents left school with no qualifications. They didn’t push my but they didn’t discourage. I did well. They’ve always been supportive but haven’t really enabled much as they haven’t been able to. They’ve always shown an interest in what is going on in my life and I have always felt very loved.

They help me a lot with childcare, which has been invaluable. Every family is very different though.