How much did your parents help you in life?

[GummyBeear]

My parents never helped me/ checked I was studying. Not even for my GSCE exams.
They were not bothered if I did A levels or went to university.
They barely took an interest in what I liked. My dad never asked about my day at school as he would just watch TV or play video games from the moment he got home until bedtime. Conversations with my parents, especially my dad are very shallow (mainly what's on tv or him saying something racist or complaining what someone has done to annoy him). When I first met my boyfriends family for dinner at their house I was shocked they sat around at a dinner table (instead of eating food on their laps infront of the TV) and talked to each other about their day and politics (my dads political discussion is him having a racist rant and a tantrum or storming off if you disagree).
They never pushed me do to anything, not a sporting activity or an instrument (they would not have paid for lessons anyways). When I tried to learn a language on my own not only did I get no encouragement from them my dad would say it was a waste of time as everyone speaks English.
I have had severe ocd since I was 16 (really messed up my A levels because of it) and my parents never noticed there was anything wrong.
They barely bought me any clothes. I would pretend to be ill on non uniform days as I barely had any clothes. From age 16 I had to buy my own clothes with money from a summer job so I had clothes to wear for 6th form.
I was never allowed friends over. The excuse was that the house is a mess.
They never helped me financially at university, not a penny. Not even a cheap graduation gift.
They did not pay for driving lessons, most my friends at university could drive because their parents paid for them.
They asked to borrow about 2000 pounds (most of the money I had saved from working over the summer holidays) and have never paid it a back. Money that would have been very useful at university. My dad has plenty of money for his hobbies though. Even when I was scrimping and saving at university I bought my dad a birthday gift but never got a thanks or one in return.

It's led me to resent my parents and be very jealous of people who have parents that helped, incouraged and pushed them in life. Some parents help their kids financially, mine took all the money I had saved and never paid me back. Frankly makes me very angry towards them.

This sounds like me and I could have written this. It took til I was in my Forties to realise how toxic they were and to cut the off . They are abusive - distance yourself not you can before they do what my parents did and made me very mentally ill

Op- my upbringing and adulthood is the same . I raised myself .
My mother Spent most of my childhood locked away in her bedroom .
She had no interest in me or my siblings .
We had no dad around to take over either .
I have nothing to do with her now because I had nothing to lose anyway .

A previous poster mentioned something about how it could be down to 'class' - not applicable in my case, my parents were extremely wealthy. For my mother in particular, it was all about how things 'looked' - especially to her family. The minute we moved away from my grandmother, uncles, cousins etc all the pretence of being a interested mother stopped...as did us attending public school. My father was always totally disinterested, he'd never wanted to be a parent in the first place (my mother is Catholic and my father didn't get a vasectomy until after my younger brother was born).

They gave me lots of money/stuff.
They helped me academically although df was in the military and used a tone more suited to the parade ground than tutoring a small child. Education was deemed very important.
Because of df being in the military I got visit and live in lots of interesting places.

They fought all the time df was home, screaming vicious rows followed by toxic periods of silence when despite being 3 foot away from each other I had relay information. Df had a drink problem. I had to be perfect, look perfect, act perfect. I've ended up as a totally screwed up adult with zero self confidence.

They are just brilliant- I have a huge amount to live up to!!

Same for me but .... I don't want children of my own and so I won't have to do the 'living up' bit

Yeah I should try to look at it in a more positive light that their lack of support has made me more determined, hard working and self-sufficient. But still find it hard because when I saved money from working they basically conned me out of it saying they would pay me back. Or discouraging me when I tried to learn a language on my own. Feels like my own parents sabotaging me. Also all the put me down remarks from my dad has left me with anxiety and lack of self confidence.

I feel like the parent I really resonate with that now and growing up. I had to be more grown up than my dad and had to walk on eggshells otherwise he would throw a tantrum.

crosser62 that must be very difficult. I don't think I could be a carer for my parents given the resentment I have for them. Like someone else said a difficult thing to do for parent that loves you and is close to you.

june2007 my parents left school at 16 and have no education.

theprincessmittens
preoccupied with their own (self inflicted) personal dramas that's like my dad acting like some minor thing someone said is an unforgivable transgression.
I'm so sorry, that's awful what your mother did. Do you have anything to do with your parents now?

LockdownLucie
Frankly yes I feel ashamed of them, well my dad especially as he is racist and phobic person (think nazi type racist). And my mum the pushover did not do anything to stop my dad telling me when I was a young child that what the nazi's did was a good thing (hard thing to type, let alone put up with hearing constantly through your childhood).

pallisers thanks. It is hard to move on but your right, thanks.

Bugsareinthebrook I'm so sorry, it's also taken me til now in my 30s to realise how bad they are. And to realise my mum is to blame as well. And also left with anxiety and other mental health problems because of them.

Forgot to say thanks for the replies

Didn’t get any help whatsoever.

Financially yes they have. Private schools, if I've been in financial trouble, paid half of our wedding. Emotionally however no. My mum is very much throw money at a problem till its solved. Both care but in their own way. Both in a toxic marriage which has spilled over into all aspects of their lives. However with my sister it is the opposite. She is the golden child who I believe went the furthest because she had the respect and emotional support from my parents.

With me and DH, it's the opposite. While we arent in a very strong financial position atm, working on it, we give the kids everything we have emotionally and interest wise. My mother thinks they run rings round us, but they dont it's just listening and treating a child as a person isnt something that has ever entered her head

@GummyBeear Thank you for acknowledging what my mother did when I divorced is wrong, I have spent years wondering if I was right to be so angry about it. I'm 51 now.

I have very limited contact with my mother now, I still live in the UK, she's still in Australia. I ring her every couple of months or so. Haven't seen her face to face in 11 years...and there was a 10 year gap before that.

She now blames everything crap that happened when we were children on my father - who left her for another woman when I was 21. She didn't want to give up the lifestyle of a the stay at home wife of a ex-pat so put up with him cheating constantly on her for 20 years. Six months after my younger brother turned 18 he left and divorced her.

She still like to portray that she's the complete innocent in it all...but that is far from the truth. I've never had any emotional support from her, either as a child or as a adult. She's totally incapable of it.

They would have given us the world. Always there for us........we were very lucky

Financially yes to an extent. Helped with deposits etc. But emotionally pretty awful. I've had two breakdowns in my life - one at uni in the 80s and the other more recently. I didn't tell them about either bc their 'nerves' as they quaintly call mental health problems would always have been worse. I desperately wanted dance and music lessons as a child and to go on school ski trips and even field trips. But although they could afford it they wouldn't let me. It was as if their own lower middle class/workout g class backgrounds dictated that i shouldn't get above myself. Weird.
I've done the opposite with my DC. Tried really hard to put air beneath their wings

They sound awful and it really sounds horrible for you to be in that situation.
I'm 31 and my dad is 60. If I said that someone had stolen all of my clothes, he would be the first around with the shirt of his back! My mum moved in with us overlock to support me as my husband works really long shifts. My children and I absolutely adore them! They have helped out financially, emotionally and everything in between.

I could have written this post myself. In fact I did write one similar a few months back to check if my childhood was normal.

My parents helped me zero in life.
I remember asking for help with revising for my GCSE's and was told it was a load of shit and it didn't matter how I did. I did my A levels in college and because I split up from a boyfriend (aged 18), my Mum told me to drop out of college as I was having a rough time and to go on job seekers allowance instead.

On weekends I would play hockey with school and I remember them dropping me off and I asked them to come and watch me like all the other parents and they refused and said they were going for a coffee in town instead. They also rarely attended sports day and also wouldn't come to the parent/teacher evening things. Everything we ever did was for my parents and not for me and my brother. There was never encouragement for anything at all.

My Dad would never let us watch what programmes we wanted, and we spent every night watching the news and then some shit fishing programmes. My Dad is also very opinionated on the News and things everything is a conspiracy and if you disagreed with him, then he would go absolutely mad and have a go and try and make me feel stupid.

Also met my partners parents who ate around a table and discussed each other's lives and helped each other out. I found it sooo hard to get used to it, and I still struggle now. They are such a close, tight knit unit and I find it too much and I can't let them in.

Same with the clothes except they used to lend me money to buy my own clothes, which I would have to pay back each month out of my pocket money.

Wasn't allowed friends in the house either. Dad has massive social anxiety and didn't even allow family in. One of the very few times that I had a friend over, we were laughing upstairs and my Dad stormed up and accused us of laughing at him and he went absolutely nuts. It was nothing of the sort. He also held me by my throat because he thought I'd told him to f*ck off on the phone, when actually I was laughing and shouting it to my friend who was trying to take my phone.

It's almost like we grew up in the same house with the stuff you are saying! I also feel resentment towards family and really want to bring it up with my Mum but haven't got the balls. Have you ever discussed it with them? I've never felt jealousy towards close families as I don't really know how to be close with people, which I'm guessing is a result of that upbringing. I mainly feel like I'm unimportant and as though my opinions etc don't matter and have always had a lack of confidence. Guessing this sort of upbringing is absolutely not normal and really buggers people up! Just wanted you to know you're not alone in a shite upbringing, but I have no idea how anyone is supposed to get over it x

@GummyBeear - My parents sound very similar to yours in many ways. It took some time to understand the gifts they gave me:

• Independence
• A deep curiosity about human behaviour
• Healthy skepticism
• Pragmatism in the face of adversity
• Resilience
• An outsider perspective

... and (and I'm still working on this one) an acceptance that they were who they were, so that I can get on with being myself, and neither identifying with them nor trying to be the opposite - because the latter always ends up being the former.

Not really. My father wanted to help me but my mother always talked him out of it.

I don't remember a time at all when I was taken an interest in. Nobody cared about my school, my grades. My mother was good at sabotaging any of our efforts in life. She was a very jealous person. We were told to find husbands quickly or be a nurse or secretary. We were regularly told how stupid any of our ideas were.

I don't know how, but I succeeded in spite of her. I paid my own way through school and graduated with honours. She refused to go to my graduation. That's how mean and petty she was. She wasn't broke but sent me a graduation card with a £5 note.

I worked hard and became very successful in my career. I didn't bother with her much but she would try to knock me calling me a temp worker or some other demeaning comment.

It sucks how it was but I had reached a point where I didn't care what she thought anymore.

Not a lot, but I didn't expect it. Once I had left compulsory education (16 then) it was up to me to choose a college, choose a university etc. I saved up and bought a flat, didn't learn to drive until I could afford lessons in my 30's. Ok there were grants back then for university but all they gave me was a lift and a £10 note as a leaving home present. Most my friends were the same, we all are middle ages now with kids of our own, I certainly didn't pay for driving lessons, and whilst I pay the parental contribution for university that's it.

That's a depressing post okie
I had it hard so my kids will too.
I thought the idea of parenthood was to help your kids have a better life and more opportunities than you did.

" Once I had left compulsory education (16 then) it was up to me to choose a college, choose a university etc."

Isn't that normal? Do parents now choose their children's college and university for them?
I do see that a lot of them go on uni open days with their kids now - that would have caused ridicule in my time.

Just seen you're the same age as me or older Okie.

Aw whatcha thread. Flowers to all.

To the op tho...
I think it's good that you wrote this. Your parents actions certainly were not normal, and were also hurtful and as you say, a blow backwards instead of a helping hand.

I think its perfectly ok to think about it for a while as it's sad and could have been so different.

But along with that, it's now also true that you are resilient, you've likely earned your wisdom and live by it and you may end up very successful and happy. For this reason, hashing through the story is helpful in getting it off your plate.

I'm a bit like you but not 100%. We were pushed, every length of the letter t was scrutinised and curl of g.

But our father was absent, earning money and chasing women. Divorced, 100s of miles away.

Our mother physically abused us. I left her house at 15, and dads at 17 and have been on my own since then.

But I worked. If I could work, I could pay to rent a room and be safe once the door was shut. So in this way, the forced but saving grace of independence saved me.

Also the lady with the Australian story, wow your mother. I'm gutted for you. What a thing to do! I'd be right behind you if you reduced that contact down even further and saved that seven thousand back up again x

Painful, but interesting thread.

I am in in my early 50s. My mother recently asked me what degree I had studied for at University, as a friend of hers had asked her. She literally had no idea, and never has. Needless to say I got to university by myself in every sen se of the word. Very strangely, like a previous poster, I think I got a cheap card at the end, maybe there was a fiver in there, maybe not. I just think it examplifies how self-absorbed my mother has always been.

I have, more recently, began to think she might have had some form of Aspergers or autism - explains some of the outbursts as well.

Regardless of the reasons, needless to say, I've been unsupported by her all through my adult life, and on a few important occasions, actively sabotaged. I wish I could report back a happy ending where I overcame all adversity and met a lovely man, had a great family, great job and so forth, but that didn't happen in any way, shape or form and I have had so much adversity in my life its just hard to put into words! (I think better things can happen for some though).

I still love my mum though, even though I am currently in full flow of experiencing the pain of this "disconnection". I don't think my mum could or can "help" it; I don't think any of it was deliberate really. Its just who she is. But I have also found myself very recently not making the effort I usually have, withdrawing somewhat, and I am not sure where that leaves us, and me.

Lots of love to all. I think even if love is not reciprocated, people who were "unloved" are often still able to love - some even more so, because you can be especially aware of the value of love.

This is a very sad thread, and OP for you, I am sorry that your parents were not more supported, but take heart from the fact you have successes that are yours and yours alone. You are successful, articulate and self aware.
Like many my parents were not abusive, but looking back I had very little encouragement from them, just to ‘do well ‘ and ‘work for a big company’ and, also ‘do the duke of Edinburgh award scheme ‘ bizarrely! But the problem was, I had no guidance from them at all on what or how to navigate the world really, how to get to Uni, apply for uni and later jobs- they gave me no encouragement. But they always Judged me. They didn’t go to Uni, ( left school at 15) and when I passed( not very well ) my A Levels getting into Polytechnic was a disappointment to them - I am 50+ now and still hear their judgement. They judged my whole life really and it’s only recently I have begun to realise this and how it’s impacted on my kids too. My mum passed away 4 years ago and my dad ( although I have an ok relationship with him) still critiques me and my children. One of my DC has very little to do with him as he cannot deal with his attitude. My dad never calls me ever, it’s all one way, but he’d be the first to complain I don’t keep in touch etc it’s quite wearing. Sorry I’ve gone on a bit, and absolutely I know I have nothing to complain about compared to some on here who all deserve to have a better adult life than they had as a child.

Wow, well done for getting through despite that
My parents put a moderate amount of pressure on me, but it was expected that I would do well, in that there was a lot of praise when I did well at anything, but totally ignored if I didn't. I got A grades in all my O levels, except a B in geography. Instead of just being pleased that I managed 9 A grades, my parents were upset that I got a B. When I went to university, it was ismilarly expected that I would do well, work hard and achieve.
I moved out as soon as I could, and stopped telling them my results.

But I'm now a perfectionist and it has affected me
With my own children I take an interest, I don't expect them to be perfect, but I celebrate all their effort

Not at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

My parents never supported my aspirations to go to university. I was ridiculed for listening to R4 and reading broadsheet newspapers as a teenager (who the fuck do you think you are?) because nobody they knew did these things. It was alien to them, their friends and their experiences.

When I became the first person in my family to graduate, they were reluctant to attend the ceremony because they worried that they would feel out of place and that “all the posh people would be looking down on them”.