How much did your parents help you in life?

[GummyBeear]

My parents never helped me/ checked I was studying. Not even for my GSCE exams.
They were not bothered if I did A levels or went to university.
They barely took an interest in what I liked. My dad never asked about my day at school as he would just watch TV or play video games from the moment he got home until bedtime. Conversations with my parents, especially my dad are very shallow (mainly what's on tv or him saying something racist or complaining what someone has done to annoy him). When I first met my boyfriends family for dinner at their house I was shocked they sat around at a dinner table (instead of eating food on their laps infront of the TV) and talked to each other about their day and politics (my dads political discussion is him having a racist rant and a tantrum or storming off if you disagree).
They never pushed me do to anything, not a sporting activity or an instrument (they would not have paid for lessons anyways). When I tried to learn a language on my own not only did I get no encouragement from them my dad would say it was a waste of time as everyone speaks English.
I have had severe ocd since I was 16 (really messed up my A levels because of it) and my parents never noticed there was anything wrong.
They barely bought me any clothes. I would pretend to be ill on non uniform days as I barely had any clothes. From age 16 I had to buy my own clothes with money from a summer job so I had clothes to wear for 6th form.
I was never allowed friends over. The excuse was that the house is a mess.
They never helped me financially at university, not a penny. Not even a cheap graduation gift.
They did not pay for driving lessons, most my friends at university could drive because their parents paid for them.
They asked to borrow about 2000 pounds (most of the money I had saved from working over the summer holidays) and have never paid it a back. Money that would have been very useful at university. My dad has plenty of money for his hobbies though. Even when I was scrimping and saving at university I bought my dad a birthday gift but never got a thanks or one in return.

It's led me to resent my parents and be very jealous of people who have parents that helped, incouraged and pushed them in life. Some parents help their kids financially, mine took all the money I had saved and never paid me back. Frankly makes me very angry towards them.

theprincessmittens
I have spent years wondering if I was right to be so angry about it
You are 100% right to be angry about what happened. I am reading toxic parents by Susan Forward and there is a bit about the power of denial about how we minimise and negate the importance of these certain life experiences. Or sometimes forget what they did because we want desperately to avoid the truth so we can keep our parents on pedestals.
The bit about thinking she's the complete innocent in it all, oh yes they can't take any blame for themselves. It's always someone else's fault. Saying things like it's not how it happened you are remembering it wrongly, or it did not happen at all or perhaps saying I raised you you ungrateful so and so to change the conversation. My dad is like that. He would be furious or deny making us homeless when I was a toddler but he is allowed to bring up something minor like his birthday card being a few days late 10 years ago. In the toxic parents book it also says about the denial of the parent, and how they deny or minimise it. Which makes you question impressions or memories of what happened.

arianwe
Yes definitely similar experiences. if you disagreed with him, then he would go absolutely mad and have a go and try and make me feel stupid this is 100% my dad or he would storm off into another room until you came and apologised. And yes never getting to pick what's on tv because he pays for it and his house his rules etc. I really also resonate with the partners parents bit and them being close and finding it hard to get used to it and find it to much. I get annoyed when my husband tells them to much about our lives and personal details about me, I find it a bit suffocating. The no friends in the house bit reminds me of a friend I had at primary school I lost touch with when I moved school and after many years she came all the way to my house to remake contact with me. Well my dad made me go to the door and tell her to go away. No coming in for 5 minutes for a drink or anything, she wasn't allowed to step foot in the house. I had to turn her away. I still feel guilty about it.
Have you ever discussed it with them? no I don't have the courage to do this. My dad will just throw a tantrum and say I'm ungrateful and they did the best they could blah blah. And my mum will turn on the water works if I say she is to blame at all.
I also wish I knew how to get over it I feel like an anxious mess of a person. Thanks for your words and want to say your opinions definitely matter

@GummyBeear
I get annoyed when my husband tells them to much about our lives and personal details about me, I find it a bit suffocating.
Does your husband know about your early life and the absolute truth about your parents? If not, how would he react if you told him and said you don't want him to be quite so open about your life now?

Your parents don't, I think, deserve to still have you in their lives and they do not recognise that and never will.

You sound so angry OP and not without cause:

crosser62
that must be very difficult. I don't think I could be a carer for my parents given the resentment I have for them.

but, sadly, your parents will never acknowledge what terrible parents they have been, and never will. As they get older they will only get more demanding and more intransigent. They will not, I believe, change for the better, but your hurt and anger (and perhaps a need for the approval they've never given you?) will damage you. It will affect the life you have worked so hard for.

And yet, they're still in your life - why is this?

I truly think it might help for you to speak about this to a neutral, professional counsellor. You have already taken the first step by speaking to us - maybe the next step might help you even more.

Take care OP. 🌹