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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a man with 2 children and I have no children.

121 replies

katiie3 · 26/05/2020 16:11

Hi, any advice/experience on dating a man with 2 children. He has shared custody with his ex girlfriend and sees his children every week 2/3 times a week, sometimes more.

I don’t have any children. We are just speaking via phone at the moment.

Anyone have an experience with this?

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 27/05/2020 15:30

I was going to say, play it by ear but if he starts expecting you to do childcare, pay for his children and start doing all the grunt, cooking and cleaning and running around after his children. Then I’d step away.

See how things pan out if you like him and want a relationship with him.

Ilikethemhotnearly40 · 27/05/2020 15:47

I would say go with the flow....

Life is too short to have regrets as it might....even work out. You'll never know if you don't try it and find out.....

SallyWD · 27/05/2020 15:53

I can't believe some of these replies. Imagine if it was a bunch of men telling each other never to go near a single mum and to run for the hills. There would be an uproar!

frazzledasarock · 27/05/2020 16:09

Actually I’d be fine if a man didn’t want to be in a relationship with me because he didn’t want to take on my DC.

When DP wanted to start going out with me I made it clear I had children and I was the main/sole carer.

I think it’s different when women enter into relationships with men who already have children as a lot of men expect their partners to take on the main parenting role do cooking, cleaning, childcare, of their children and then resent their partners and are pretty nasty to them if they don’t do the ‘wifework’.

user1481840227 · 27/05/2020 16:14

Just be aware that lots of men make out that they are very involved with their kids, very hands on parents, their kids will always come first, take up lots of their time and so on, the reality is often very different!

Those men use their kids, to
a) hook women by making out they are such good decent family men.
b) as excuses for why they can't spend much time with them/commit or to explain why they're broke and so on!!

Of course there are great dads out there too but they nearly all tell the same story!

Isitsixoclockalready · 27/05/2020 16:21

My MiL did it without any issues. My FiL had two children from a previous marriage and they would come and stay with them fairly regularly. My MiL and FiL eventually had two children together and have been married for 45 years. I'm not saying that it always works - clearly not but not everyone's has had a negative experience.

ErickBroch · 27/05/2020 16:36

This is so weird to read. My dad had me 3 times a week, every week, after my parents split when I was 2. He met my step-mum when i was 3 and thank god she didn't have mumsnet at the time because she continued to date him and I have the best step-mum ever!

Beamur · 27/05/2020 16:50

Erickbroch
That's nice to hear

billy1966 · 27/05/2020 21:02

I certainly wouldn't dream of it, having read the threads on here of women being roped in to be convenient childcare for men who are only to happy to hand it over to them.

It strikes me as a really thankless job where you are bottom of the heap.

No man would be worth that for me.

Yes, I am sure there are exceptions...there always are.

BeltaneBride · 27/05/2020 21:06

If I were you (and I was 20 years ago) would just run! Please don't be me. Too many horrors to recount.

BeltaneBride · 27/05/2020 21:07

Including right now, this evening, when I wish I was back where you are and still could choose.

TheNortherner · 27/05/2020 21:19

If the kids are young, you might end up being a housekeeper/babysitter and i could almost guarentee he won't want any more children.

Littlemix1 · 27/05/2020 21:38

I don't see the issue of dating someone who has kids. Yes his kids will always come first which is how it should be. I'm dating someone who has 3 kids (not met them yet). I say go for it, no issues at all someone having children. Obviously if your dead against having children and not keen on children in general then maybe not for you. Nothing to lose

LMW1990 · 27/05/2020 21:44

This was me OP. The children are now 5 and 9 and we share custody with their DM 50/50. I say we as I am very involved. Pre Covid I would be responsible for all childcare one day per week including school runs etc so that DP and their DM could work. We make it work between us. It takes a lot of patience and understanding in the beginning. I don't have any biological DC yet but I have been willing to park that over the last few years so that the DC already in our lives feel stable and loved. How it works out depends very much on how you feel about it all but equally accepting that a lot of things are outside of your control. We are lucky that it works. It doesn't for everyone.

Coffeeandbeans · 27/05/2020 21:52

Your holidays will be taken up with the children. Christmas you will never be able to go away. You will never be number 1.

ladybug92 · 27/05/2020 22:12

I have been in similar shoes. I met my met my now DH when I was early 20s and he was early 30s. He had 2 daughters, 6 and 13 years old. I always wanted my own kids.

It was challenging at the start, lots of perseverance and patience. I felt life definitely changed, having to always have the kids in mind when planning holidays and events but it wasn't as challenging for me as other experiences I've read about. I have to credit that to inherently good kids, their mum and also my DH's character, I was pretty lucky.

We ended up having 2 little kids who my SDs adore and I would say the relationship is great. It's very situation dependant but you need to be prepared to make sacrifices and it'll be harder if you have some life plans that would be incompatible with young kids- like moving away, financial risks etc.

funinthesun19 · 27/05/2020 23:26

I can't believe some of these replies. Imagine if it was a bunch of men telling each other never to go near a single mum and to run for the hills. There would be an uproar!

I don’t there would be uproar actually. Lots of people understand that not everyone is going to be keen on being with someone with kids - man or woman. I would totally understand if a man didn’t want to continue a relationship with me because of the fact that I have kids. I have 4, so it would take an absolute saint of a man to stick around.

billy1966 · 28/05/2020 09:33

The comparison with men is disingenuous.

Women in a second relationship generally don't expect their new partners to step in to a mothering role under the guise of a new father.

They wouldn't get the chance as most men would run a mile.

However, there are lots of threads where women ended up a second class citizens in their homes, running around after their husband's children, while he sits on his ass and does nothing.

Yes, I am sure there are some happy tales out there, full of luck and huge compromise on the part of the women.

The thing is, why would you want to start a relationship that needs compromise and where you are always going to be accommodating others?

Don't get it.

But then I don't believe in soulmates.

I believe there is more than one person for us.

Why begin a relationship being so far down the list?

Lynda07 · 28/05/2020 09:45

It depends how serious you are. If you're happy with him but not planning on a 'live in' relationship, him being a parent may not affect you too much. It's a whole different ball game if you hope to set up home together, no matter how much you like the children. Don't jump into anything too quickly, especially as you have a good life as it is.

Being on 'lockdown' will give you a bit more chance to weigh things up because you can't change much at the moment.

Lynda07 · 28/05/2020 09:48

funinthesun19 Wed 27-May-20 23:26:45
I can't believe some of these replies. Imagine if it was a bunch of men telling each other never to go near a single mum and to run for the hills. There would be an uproar!

However I've known couples where one or both has a child or children and it's worked out quite happily so does depend on individuals.

FilledSoda · 28/05/2020 11:06

Not with a barge pole .
Too much baggage.

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