Dating a man with 2 children and I have no children.

[katiie3]

Hi, any advice/experience on dating a man with 2 children. He has shared custody with his ex girlfriend and sees his children every week 2/3 times a week, sometimes more.

I don’t have any children. We are just speaking via phone at the moment.

Anyone have an experience with this?

I wouldn't. Also if you want your own children, he's been there and done it years ago - would he really want to start again? It's a big age difference and you've led very different lives over the last ten years.

You have to be bottom of the list if he's to be a good dad. If you don't get on with the kids in any way you'd have to put up and shut up as their relationship with him has priority.

Honestly, I'd swerve this one and go for someone your own age who's at the same point in his life to you.

Get out if this now. You will never be a priority, his childrens needs will always come first. You’ll never really have him to yourself.

There’s no right or wrong answer here, what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another.

When I first split from eXH I said that i would only want to date a man with children as only someone who already has them could possibly have an idea of what it’s like to be a parent. But then I met DP who didn’t have children and I started going out with him. And he has been entirely understanding of the fact I have DC and has never been any different. And since I’ve been divorced I have encountered a lot more people who are part of blended families and now if I were going to date again I wouldn’t even consider a man with children.

@copycopypaste can I ask why?

Every time a woman posts on here that she's a single mum of 6 and why would anyone want her, there's a huge chorus of why plenty of single mums meet new people when they have kids, and she's a lovely person and any man would be lucky to have her etc etc. And the forum is (rightly) also full of judgment for any separated man who doesn't want to take on a decent share of custody.

But apparently there's total consensus that a woman should 'run run run' from a father with part time custody of two early teen kids.

I did this. We're still together and have a child of our own.
It's definitely more complicated. You will not be your partner's priority and having your own children would be a very different experience for each of you.
But that's not to say it won't work, or that you won't be happy.
How is his relationship with his ex? This will give you a good idea of a lot of things. If he says she's a bad person and it's all her fault, then I would steer clear. Because either (a) she is, or (b) he's not taking any responsibility for the break up. Both of these scenarios are best avoided.

I wouldn’t. I’ve done it and it’s incredibly difficult. You have to have a very strong relationship to go through this. @edwinbear is absolutely right. You’ll always play second fiddle, and from his perspective that’s the way it should be.

In my experience men with children tend to use it as a perfect excuse to stick you at the bottom of their list (not second as it should be, but last) and expect you to put up with it because the "kids come first".

I did and it was difficult at times. Especially at Xmas things like this.
I wouldn't want to meet a man with kids again but I guess the older you get you are more likely to meet someone with kids.

I wouldn't, ever. Far too many men expect women to be the automatic childcare. And I wouldn't gamble my future on hoping this particular man was an anomaly.

Take a look at the threads under the "Step-Parenting" topic board OP.

I love my husband dearly and love my stepdaughter too but if anything happened to us, would I date a man with children? HELL NO!!!
its early enough to walk away. Honestly, don't do it to yourself

I wouldn’t go there. It’s a hard road. I dated a man with a 10 year old daughter. Lovely girl and his ex was so nice to me, but it was clear that I was the outsider.

My DH has 3 kids who were 3, 7 and 8 when I met him at 27 (he is 9 years older than me).

Honestly I could not do it again, we almost split up several times and I ended up with severe anxiety. We have a toddler together now but if we were to ever split up there’s no way I’d get with someone with kids under 18 again. I’d sooner be single.

Run and don't look back

I married a man with 2 children now been together 31 years and went on to have 2 more children very happy

I'm a single mum to a young boy. If I start dating again I would not be interested in someone with young children themselves. It's too complicated.

If a single man posted here asking if he should get involved with an older woman with children I would give the same warning.

A partner with children has to put time & money into the children first. It means that there is less available for a partner. If you have the choice why would you choose this?

It's very hard, especially if you have your own children or plan to have children together. My DH had his children eow weekend from 3-14, now we see them at age 14 and 16 about every 6 months (their choice due to social lives/ distance/ and now covid).

It's also incredibly thankless in my experience and comes with a lot of heartache if you get too attached to the children as it will never be reciprocated on the same level.

Unless you are willing to not meet them for AT LEAST 6 months and then by not being their parent/ authority figure, by him ALWAYS taking their sides of any argument or discussion. Then go for it......but I wouldn’t.

Yes, he did say he doesn’t have as much money as he likes because he has children and they are very expensive. And sometimes he struggles to put money away each month after paying all his bill and spending on the kids. He has a good job and good pay but he doesn’t manage to save much.

11 and 12 is more independent, but you'd have to shepherd them through puberty tantrums - and alongside any step mum resentment and possibly your own pregnancies and small children in the mix.

Fuck that for all the fucking soldiers.

Unless they were 16+ I wouldn't bother and I say that as a mother of 2 DC myself.

Why would you bother? Casual fwb might be better. Otherwise you'll just be free childcare.