Dating a man with 2 children and I have no children.

[katiie3]

Hi, any advice/experience on dating a man with 2 children. He has shared custody with his ex girlfriend and sees his children every week 2/3 times a week, sometimes more.

I don’t have any children. We are just speaking via phone at the moment.

Anyone have an experience with this?

Nope..

All I can say is I did just this , it became apparent how bottom priority you are when you have your own child as there is a always in my experience a massive over compensation. Was in exactly the same situation in terms of him seeing the kids. I enjoyed it intially but once we lived together and had a DC of our own it was all too much . I was unprepared for having my first child with siblings already made. Especially trying if your parenting skills are not aligned. I would also add his ex was fabulous so no worries there it was just hard. The only good thing is my DC and the 2 siblings have a fantastic relationship it’s mine and DH whose relationship suffered. I would find an easier relationship honestly.

all I can see is hassle, parent teacher meetings, doctors appointments, money flying out the door, family disputes, on the clock always for other people, no freedom, you will never be able to make a last minute decision to jet off to the sun for a week without consulting many people first,

As a single parent who does 100% of the actual parenting - I attend 2 parent teacher nights per year and don't remember the last time I took a dc to the dr. Possible a 5 minute trip for an ear infection in 2006. How would a girlfriend of a pt father be doing any of this? How many people can just jet off abroad at the drop of a hat anyway. Most people's jobs and life commitments regardless of dc means a holiday requires a bit of planning. If this was the other way round I doubt the responses would be the same (thankfully for many single mums- despite them generally having more responsibility for dc so being more restricted in terms of freedom) Not every family has feuds. I'd not write someone off on that alone if everything else seems right

He’ll never have any time or money and will dance to the tune of his ex ... and so will you.

What a ridiculous assumption. Do you have personal knowledge of this man's finances? Do you know anything about the ex? I couldn't be more grateful for my ex's partner and do anything to accommodate her and be as nice as possible (because I know what the poor woman is putting up with)

Money will be tight for sure unless he has an extremely well paid job especially if he is a decent bloke who actullay pays for his kids as he should and he sounds like this guy is a decent guy. The thing that bothered me was there were no family firsts my DH had been there done that and bought the tshirt.

I personally wouldn't do it. But there's nothing wrong with someone who has kids. I have kids and wouldn't date someone else who had them. I'm not a kid person (I love my own but don't want to deal with other people's).

So either give it a shot, no one here can really predict if you will get on with his kids, if they cause issues, etc unless you give it a go. I just wouldn't because I'm not a kid person, I have my own to deal with and I don't want other people's to juggle. So it would be "run a mile" from me due to my own preferences.

Hmm....

When I was doing the dating thing I would have tried my best to avoid men with kids.
Sorry, just not for me.

I wouldn't do it. Unless the guy is on a very high salary, he will most likely have money issues because he has to pay for a single household while at the same time paying child support to his ex every month. There will be less money to go on holiday together and if you make plans together he will always have to factor his children in. There is no guarantee that the children will like you and that you will get on. You will always play second fiddle to the children.

Wow. I am astounded. What a thoroughly depressing read. I am a single mum of two and am left imaging the horrendous conversations that must have gone on behind my back with people told to turn and run from me just because I already have children.

This is a man who is committed to seeing his children. I would take that any day over someone who doesnt see their children.

I am just so saddened by this thread. I hope no single dads ever read it. What are they going to think? They might as well just write themselves off for a life of solitude

I would take that any day over someone who doesnt see their children.

Why should someone who doesn't have any kids at all take on a step parent role? Or a person be lauded just for seeing their kids? People are allowed to have any boundaries they want, no one owes anyone a relationship. One read of the step parent board and it's easy to see why someone with no kids already should run a mile. I wouldn't want my kids to complicate their lives unnecessarily with someone who had all that baggage when they're single and childfree.

It's a minefield. It's not other peoples' obligation to take on someone else's kids.

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife I totally agree and there’s a high proportion of people in their 30/40 who have kids so you rule out a massive group. I have a child and my bf has two. Haven’t met each other’s kids but there’s never been an issue as we have set days and if something comes up it comes up and we see each other another time

Fucking hell my mind is blown by this thread! Particularly the financial warnings!!

Good Single dads are golden people - if you find one hold onto him he's a decent human being 👍

Tbh I'd say the same to a man as well, depending on his age. At a certain age (for both genders) you may well have to be open to ppl with kids, or your options are reduced.

At 30/early 30s, I think males/females don't need to settle for the additional baggage.

It's not saying single dads are bad. My DB had 3 DC from his first marriage and is now married again, but his new DW was late 30s...I'm sure she would have preferred a man without kids, but time was not on her side.

They might as well just write themselves off for a life of solitude

Everyone has things about themselves that some will find undesirable. It's pointless to pretend these things don't exist.

I think it's sensible of OP to carefully consider whether she really wants to be in this situation, and getting out early if she realises she doesn't. Rather than jumping in without any advice or information, regretting it later and hurting people.

It is a different perspective dating a non resident parent though. From what I've seen their lives are very entwined with the ex and they often have to tiptoe around her. It felt like the third wheel was me.

There's nothing entwined about my ex and my lives. We communicate by text twice a month - a brief message to arrange collection/drop off, and my dc are younger. Teens can pretty much sort that themselves.

Wow this thread has really shocked me.
I'm currently in a relationship with someone who has two young children (I've two myself) and yes it absolutely has had it's difficulties and we've disagreed about thing's.
BUT he's an incredible man, and a fantastic father and watching him with his children and mine makes me melt. His kid's are wonderful and honestly i couldn't wish for a better partner.

Now thing's can be tricky and plan's do sometimes change due to the nature of his exs job, money isn't really an issue and if you're thibking of having children then at least you'll get an insight into what sort of father he would be.

Don't write someone off because they have a child/ children, they grow up and become less dependent

OP don't listen to all the negatives here. Yes it has a high chance of going nowhere but similarly, it could be a very happy relationship.

My very close friend dated a man who had full custody of 2 children under the age of 5. She is 10 years younger than him. Everyone told her to run away but she was madly in love and is naturally stubborn so didn't listen!

They've been married 26 years and very happy. They had one child together. Of course there have been ups and downs but they have always been a very loving and solid family. It can happen.

What is essential is that you take it slowly and you are honest from the start. Don't make him believe you are happy to act like a second mum and take on responsibilities if you are not doing it because you enjoy it. If you start to feel resentful because he doesn't give you enough attention, affection and respect, go away, it won't get better.

It's worth giving it a go, but a guarded one.

OP, I'd give it a go if I were you. I'm early 30s and my husband is in his 40s. He has 2 kids with his ex. His life isn't entwined with hers, he doesn't put me last, and I'm very glad I chose to be with him. In terms of him having had "firsts" with someone else, he is finding that he's enjoying fatherhood more this time around for various reasons, and he doesn't compare me with his ex at all, so it's not an issue.

I have done this twice. After the 2nd relationship promised myself never to date a parent again. I found both to be really attracted to my carefree, relaxed lifestyle & then inevitably that would be thrown back in my face when I wanted my sleep ins or day to myself while they were stuck parenting. They seemed to end up resenting me for not having children & also expecting lots of driving around, shouting their kids things & taking on “women’s” work involving their children. I advise against it now generally, but life never goes according to plan.

They seemed to end up resenting me for not having children & also expecting lots of driving around, shouting their kids things & taking on “women’s” work involving their children. I advise against it now generally, but life never goes according to plan.

This is very common. Read the step-parenting boards and even plenty of threads in this one. The threads regarding relationships like this are legion.

The step parenting boards won't be an accurate representation- the very nature means the people there have a problem worth writing about. The people who have nice straightforward experiences don't post

My partner is 16 years older than me. At 21 I got with him and he had two children aged 2 and 4. It was difficult at the beginning but we powered through and now have a little one of our own. The older two dote on their little brother and we have the best relationship. I'm not gonna lie it's been a tough 10 years but I wouldn't have it any other way. My partner is a great dad and a wonderful man. I am so pleased I took the jump and went for it. Just because a man has children doesn't mean he is a write off.
Only you know what's best for you at the end of the day but some stories (not all) do have happy endings 😁

I'm shocked at all the 'run' messages on here.

Once you get to a certain age, it's highly likely new partners have children, you can't rule people out of potential dating just because they are a parent. Well, you can, but you may well miss out on great people.

I married DH when I was 31, he was 40 and his DC were then 10&12. We had a DC of our own who is now 16.

Yes, he was less wealthy in the early years as he was paying for the DC, rightly so. That stopped (largely) at 18 though.
Yes, he spent time with his DC, away from us, rightly so. Was not a major problem.
Yes, there were sometimes issues with exW. Again, they fizzled out. We're pretty friendly now.
The teen years were tough at times, when they were going through difficult periods.

However, I now have two lovely grown up DSC who enhance my life. I even have a GC who I truly adore and wouldn't be without. My DS has older siblings he wouldn't otherwise have had. They're not my kids, no, but I am very, very glad they are in my life.

"Good Single dads are golden people - if you find one hold onto him he's a decent human being 👍"

I agree 100% with this statement, @Onemansoapopera