Dating a man with 2 children and I have no children.

[katiie3]

Hi, any advice/experience on dating a man with 2 children. He has shared custody with his ex girlfriend and sees his children every week 2/3 times a week, sometimes more.

I don’t have any children. We are just speaking via phone at the moment.

Anyone have an experience with this?

I wouldn’t. I very briefly dated a man with two DC and it was never going to work. My life isn’t geared for children, I’ve never wanted any, I found it frustrating having to organise what we did around his. Or him cancelling plans because one of the children was sick or because their mother was sick or stuck late at work and he needed to take over parenting duties and so on. I found it awkward engaging with them because I wasn’t their parent. Quite rightly they were his priority and they were younger with more needs (6 and 8) but I knew I couldn’t deal with it. There will be plenty of men closer to your age who don’t have children.

Lots of naysayers, possibly projecting how much they hate the idea of the father of their children dating. I have no kids, do has 2. It's the best relationship I've ever been in and we get on great.

I think the key is that him and his ex co-parent well and are reasonable and flexible with each other. He doesn't expect me to parent them and he doesn't treat me like I don't matter. Some posters here seem to think that there will be automatic conflict between the children, his ex and you but this isn't the case.

I wouldn't recommend it!

@Stuckforthefourthtime

Totally this- the hypocrisy is breathtaking.
A man who is showing him to be a good father is being punished for it, meanwhile if the genders had been reversed, the male would still be being demonized for having a selfish and immature attitude.
What makes me laugh most is those who always say I would say the same if the genders were reversed and yet you never seen any of these ppl posting on such posts.

@NotKeenOnSwede
n my experience men with children tend to use it as a perfect excuse to stick you at the bottom of their list (not second as it should be, but last) and expect you to put up with it because the "kids come first".

I can only assume this is a troll message unless you are saying thast every single mother, should put any prospective partner first on their list.
Only kidding we all know that either way the man would be demonised by this poster.

Before I had my own kids I would have done it. I did in fact date several men with children but it never got to the meeting them stage.

Now I have my own kids I’d advise against it. If you want children of your own there are potential issues blending your family, or he may not want any more.

If you don’t want children why would you give up all the good things about a child free lifestyle?

@KylieKoKo, I could have written your post word for word: my experience is the same.

I have a fantastic relationship with my fiancé's two children, and am amicable with his ex-wife. My fiancé has always made me feel that I an important part of our family of four and I couldn't be happier!

Run and don't look back.
I married mine and the kids ended up living with us. My life is nothing like I thought it'd be. I have zero bond with them, they are really rude to me and I'm stuck like this.
I know it works for some people, but my experience is not good.

Yep. Run.

Why would you saddle yourself with someone elses 2 children? Run. I would say the same to a man in this situation

For those who are saying it’s being a hypocrite to not date a man with kids but ok for a woman to date with kids - in my opinion being a step mother is not the same as being a Step father.
In lots of situations the woman ends up doing childcare and general child drudgery work but I hardly ever hear about step dads being expected to do all that.
I also think you’re more likely to have issues if the ex is female. I think men are more likely not to have a step dad too his kids or mote likely not to be on the scene at all which probably makes life easier for a potential step dad.
I probably haven’t explained that well but I don’t think step mums and step dads are completely comparable.

*have issues with a step dad to his kids

Run. Just nope. Don't even go there. Cut it off now whilst you're still just dating. Why are you making your life harder than it needs to be? Lockdown is perfect for cutting this one lose.

Done this. He has a teenager daughter who is a nightmare. Changed visiting all the time. Made it a nightmare to arrange things as she always (rightly) so came first. It was annoying as I couldn’t say anything, as i would never ask hiM to change for me.

Background was he quickly met people moved in with them and their kids and she fitted into his life. I understand her frustration with it and he finally realised the errors.

When I appeared I didn’t want to move in and kept my independent life. I met her a few times in passing. She found it odd that I never questioned her need to see her dad. She did mess us about by changing times when she knew we had plans or phone up her dad to see him urgently. I didn’t want to get involved with her until we were sure about each other, as sensitive to past girlfriends.

It was the end of us as I couldn’t Stand the frustration of not being able to express the annoyance of constantly changing plans and him standing up to her. But teenagers and dads.

However we are now talking again and taking things slowly - lockdown helping. Finally told him why we split up. She apparently did the same to her mum and her ex. I was fine with planning days to meet around his childcare, but not changing 1 min before we went out. It’s hard

I'm sorry, unless you are really looking forward to the settling down stage, you need to run far far away, all I can see is hassle, parent teacher meetings, doctors appointments, money flying out the door, family disputes, on the clock always for other people, no freedom, you will never be able to make a last minute decision to jet off to the sun for a week without consulting many people first, no I'm sorry op, it doesnt sound enticing😒

Amazed by the overwhelming majority who are saying run for the hills; talk about a double standard. Thank goodness men don't share the same views on single parents.

Op if you like him I would give it a go and see what happens.

My DH is a lovely man and we're well suited.
Don't rule this chap out without at least getting to know him better!

@mortfoya I've never been to a parent teacher meeting or child's doctor appointment in my life. I can imagine that if I posted that I did these things on Mumsnet I would be told I was over-involved. And as for making last minute decisions to jet off into the sun, finances and having a job don't allow most people to do that anyway.

I dated a man with a young teenager. Went on to get married and have more kids. Don’t rule it out. Depends what you want from a relationship.

Run and don't look back and this is coming from a woman with children. You will always be second to his children and you will have no quality private time with him. You will end up resenting him. I went out with a man who was in the same boat when I was single. I never spent one weekend alone with him ever as the kids were there from Friday dinner time to Sunday night around 8pm. It caused a lot of tension and arguments and within a very short time (less than 3 weeks) and I desperately wanted out. Don't allow him to guilt trip you either into a relationship with him.

No, I wouldn't - especially not with that age gap.

You've got time to find someone to do the firsts with. Don't make life so much harder by having to fight for your own firsts with someone who's been there, done it with someone else, has his own kids already taking priority - you'll either end up taking on a fuckton of emotional and physical hard yards you didn't ask for and/or end up being strung along because at 40 with kids, he doesn't really want any more but might dangle them to keep you interested as he's looking for a step mum to help him look after them

gotta love mn sometimes.

Dont do it.

He’ll never have any time or money and will dance to the tune of his ex ... and so will you.

I'm really surprised by the comments on here.

Don't date a man who has DC from previous relationship???

Oh, but it's ok when you become a single mum and are encouraged to start dating again. Imagine the chat the guys are having saying 'don't date her, she's got kids!' You'd all be livid!!

FWIW my DH has DC from first marriage. Totally fine.

Don’t do it. I had this conversation with 2 friends. We are all with men who had children previously. We all said we would never do it again.