How do couples survive small children?

[itchyfinger]

This is a genuine question, I'm looking for advice from people who have experienced similar (dont want to hear "I've never had an argument with my partner" answers!)

Me & DH were very happy before kids, rarely argued. And then, BAM, twins! Quite early on in our relationship. The early days were a struggle, we were just so so tired that we argued a lot. We both recognised this was down to tiredness I think, but the relentlessnes of it all was too much.

Now the DC are almost 5, and our lives have changed for the better and generally we get along more for longer periods of time. But our kids are seriously high energy, dramatic, feisty etc. And it becomes too much and me & DH can end up fighting. Today we had a lovely day planned with a picnic in the sun, but the DC fought/whinged/ate too much sugar and it was so hot and everyone was irritable, and we ended up taking it out on each other. I feel shit about the day, and the thought of spending tomorrow with DH is already making me annoyed.

I just dont know how much longer we can go on for like this. I realise that lockdown has heightened things immensely, but tbh things always got a bit much before the pandemic. I dont understand how couples manage it? Early mornings, not having a second to yourself, the tediousness of small kids and barely being able to speak without being interrupted.

We have jobs/childcare/family help etc. Does it get easier? Will we have more time for each other? Will I ever feel like not murdering him after a weekend together (lighthearted, I'm not going to commit murder)?

I have no fucking clue but if you let me know, pm me 😂

Children = hardest work but greatest joy. Our last holiday abroad, children went to the Kids Club for an afternoon. Freedom we thought - but we were genuinely lost without them - and bored.

Sorry, that made no sense and wasn't helpful either.

But I really have no idea. We both love our kids, love each other and miss our 'old' life sometimes. And there's nothing wrong with that, our lives are just different now with kids.

I do find though that the special days out always end up being a disaster, I think we expect too much out of it sometimes. Legoland is a prime example. We took Dd a couple of years ago, all she did was moan, too hot, too tired, her legs hurt, refused to go on any rides, wanted £70 worth of stuff from the gift shop (didn't happen, she had £20 of pocket money to spend) so DH had to carry her back to the car. She fell asleep all the way home, we got McDonalds for tea on the way home (after getting stuck in traffic) and that was the best part of her day out apparently.

The one thing that does help, and DH is better at this than me is time to ourselves. Not always possible but twice a year he books us a night away (kids go to our lovely parents) and we have 2 days and one night of just being us. It's lovely to just focus on us for a change and remember what we like about the other person. Obviously not really possible now but DH did us a date night (I hate that term) the other night. Just a takeaway and a couple of drinks, a crappy film. But no talk of what boring tasks we were doing the next day etc.

You have to work as a team. So we split early mornings 50/50. We have an early riser. We have 30-60 minutes 'me time' in the day. The other has the kids. This helps to decompress. And we have 50/50 evenings for exercise or whatever. So one does bed while the other runs.
Don't get me wrong we still argue, especially when we've had a bad night. And sometimes don't spend as much time together as we'd like. Eg tonight I'm still trying to put our youngest to bed.
try not to hold a grudge when an argument has come from frustration/tiredness.

I can’t advise generally as I don’t have kids, but I would agree with the pp about special days out. They get built up too much, the change in routine is stressful for everyone and tbh I don’t remember any of them from my childhood. We didn’t have that many, even on holiday we just bimbled about on the beach or by the pool. My best childhood memories aren’t the special days, they’re ordinary days hanging out with siblings or friends and making our own fun.

No idea if that’s helpful, but my point is don’t add unnecessary pressure.

Do you have time to yourselves after they've gone to bed? Or daughter is in bed by 8 so we have dinner, watch a film, chat, sometimes do our own thing and we take lie ins in turn as she's still a toddler so needs help with breakfast! (I don't know if it helps but we also argue and it's nothing to do with our lovely, easy going daughter! On fact we're both sulking this evening and I've taken myself to bed!) so I guess arguments will still happen when you live with someone and you're tired /stressed/there's a pandemic etc, regardless of kids!

@florencenotflo Haha thank you that first response actually made me feel better!

Yep, special days out are shit with young kids. The pressure is on and then they hate it and everyone ends up feeling like it was effort wasted. Today was just a local picnic in a park, but the heat got to us. I just really didn't want to spend another day with them stuck to screens. I'm embarrassed to say I lost my rag in the car home and it probably topped off the whole experience!

Kids are in bed by 7 and we do get evenings together, i guess the novelty of them has probably worn off a bit after 9 weeks of evenings in together!

It's quite a challenge...I remember those days. Mine are older now (17 & 20)

All I can say is hang in there...you having twins must be a lot harder though.

Get time to yourselves and with each other as much as possible.

Always try and be a team as parents.

Reward good behaviour.

If they can play with each other, that's a bonus...especially in lockdown.

It's hard...but time flies.

My three top tips:

(1) Get a nanny for a couple of days a week (littlies) and a cleaner. Two of the biggest marriage stressors removed in an instant.

(2) Read your kids LOADS of books when they're little so that when they're 7+ you can establish a routine where they go to bed early and read so you have adult time.

(3) Maintain your female friendships so you can get the hell out of town pretty regularly. Sports-based trips are easier to justify to men than 'spa' trips so keep up the mountain biking or trail running or whatever it takes to maintain an excuse.

Honestly? Good couple's counselling. We almost split up and would have done without it. We've had counselling via video chat (since way before lockdown!) in the evenings after DC is in bed, so no need to use a babysitter and faff about leaving the house.

Other things (none of which are possible atm ):
Time apart eg weekly activity or occasional meet up with a friend.
Date nights and (very occasionally) a night away together, this depends if you have someone you can leave your DC with, we have only managed it once so far but it did us the world of good.
It doesn't fix the daily grind though!

We've found it hard enough with one so I can only imagine how tough it must be with twins

@itchyfinger no I get the screen guilt lately too. Dd is only 4 but has learnt how to use the remote while on lockdown. We're lucky we live right on the coast, but if you've seen any of the pictures of any beach today, there was no way I was going near the sea front. I did think about going for a walk round the block but decided it was too hot. The heat always makes things feel worse. Dd ended up washing pebbles in the garden, happy as Larry.

Once the kids are in bed, we're usually glued to our phones 😂 it's hard to find the energy to make the effort. But time alone is also important, especially while we are on lockdown. Put some time aside for yourself, even if it's a walk on your own in the evening or something. I start to get very aggy when I've not had any time to myself. DH is still going out to work and has a gym at work he can use, so is still getting loads of time alone, I don't think he realised how not getting any time alone at all was affecting me.

Luck, I think. We had our first when I was in my late 30s, second early 40s. We accept that we are permanently knackered. We have a cleaner (who I'm missing loads at the moment). We celebrate small joys, like the kids not squabbling for a whole hour. We split the long lies, and the getting the wee one into bed of an evening. Pre lockdown we had two days a year where we took a day off work while kids at school to do something just the two of us. We day dream about the fun we will have in about a decade.

Today we were daydreaming about going on holiday and actually lying around on a sun lounger

I do think sharing the load helps a huge amount; taking turns with bedtime and mornings for example. Otherwise it's all too easy for resentment to build.

@Florencenotflo I had that conversation with my DH today. I'm at home with the two kids all week on my own while he's at work. I'm also trying to work in a difficult job, while homeschooling a reluctant 6 year old and keeping an eye on the 12 year old. I lost my shit because he didn't get why I needed to get out the house on my own for an hour!

Make time for yourselves, both apart and as a couple.

We are not early risers, so kids go to bed at 8 and aren't allowed to get up until 7am earliest.

At the moment (our youngest is 2) we take turns to have lie-ins at the weekend, but 5 year olds can get up quietly and have breakfast in front of the TV while you both lie in.

Give each other afternoons off by one of you taking the kids out and one staying at home, let each other go for walks/runs alone - just make sure it's equal!

Honestly I think it makes you or breaks you! We didn't even have a special day planned, just a walk to some local woods to find some cows. Two year old decided after 100m he didn't want to walk, DH got snappy and I walked off in a huff (immature i know but it's been a long weekend). Afternoon was pretty much a disaster and by the time we got home we all throughly disliked each other.

But I'd be lost without them and vice versa. The key is, like many others have said, take turns, 50/50 all the way. I know too many friends who's partners do bugger all, they come to resent it and they don't last.
We alternate bedtimes and spending time with DS so on the whole we both get some "me time".
We also do date nights (god that sounds cheesy!!) Friday and Saturday nights, usually all eat together but on those nights we have dinner alone and watch a film or something.

Oh and talk....if you're pissed off, fed up or just feeling a bit teary talk to each other. So easy for life to get on top of you and no one see it.

Lastly, as others have said take time for yourself. I run and DH does triathlons so we each get some time to do what we want and gives us something to talk about other than potty training 😂

Someone once said it never gets easier, you just have different challenges. I'm going to ignore that and live in perfect harmony believing it does get easier 😬

I’m glad someone put this out there! I have a nearly 8 year old and a toddler. I just can’t see when it’ll get better. We argue more - I question how happy we are? Whether we still love each other like before (pre kids). I don’t know the answer - apart from we soldier through this and eventually we will come out the other end?!? Will be reading comments intently - as I have no clue!

It’s hard. I think what works for us is cutting each other slack. If I’m being a cow he backs off, if he’s being a cow I back off. In the past him/I would have bitten and ignited the situation.

I’m a moaner, I try not to be.

He’s really good with dd at the weekends/evenings to give me a moments peace and I’m grateful for that. Especially at the moment as I’m finding lockdown hard.

We dont really do special days as they always end up with us arguing. Our best days are days like today, we walked to the shop, sat in the garden, lunch, done some gardening, bbq, tv, bed.

We’ve only had one dd free overnight since she was born (she’s very nearly 2) and it was great. We went for an uninterrupted dinner, watched a film at home, spent the day after doing stuff in our new home. Boring to most but it felt like us not mum and dad. It highlighted to me how important it is to be a couple and not just parents.

It’s hard for everyone at times.

I have twins (and another older) and tbh what helped was each adult enjoying managing the kids on their own sometimes. Togetherness can cramp your parenting style sometimes, and each parent can get the chance to bond with the kids in a way that suits them, without friction between adults.
Or take one child each. Ds did activities with dh that bored me(train tracks), and I did singing with both that tone deaf dh couldnt manage. And rhen we admired the spouse's success.

Apartness can be helpful, even just taking one child to read a story or a walk wirhout the other makes crearive and meditative time.

Twins naturally enjoy each others company, but they also need a lot of extra individual interaction. A lot of the dramas ime.can be a craving for attention that on some deepseated level they arent getting. We feelthey are v demanding but it is draining for them too.

We take it in turns and both get time out to recharge. Alone time for me is essential.

We went to the beach but was only there for an hour and a half. Entire days out don’t happen. We time the day so they can nap in the car either on the way there or the way back.

And we forgive the small stuff.

So far it working. But ours are still young.

Shifts.
We have 3 under 6 and basically take it in turns every morning we have to ourselves until 8 (lockdown life) and we alternate bedtimes. Kids are all upstairs in bed by 7 (older 2 aren’t asleep but in their room reading). This is helping keep us sane. Then we have dinner together and talk.

What are you actually arguing about though? It's difficult to work out where the issue lies without understanding why it turned into a big proper argument.

Honestly our DS has been the biggest challenge our marriage has ever faced...he’s only 11 weeks old!!

He has a low opinion of sleep and despite DH showing him the articles stating he should still be sleeping 14-16 hours a day, he seems to have his own ideas. We also moved into a new house 2 weeks before his birth and lockdown prevented workmen coming inside.

It’s been tough but we are just taking shifts and avoiding any real conversations in the middle of the night/early morning as that’s when our tempers are shortest.

We love each other and DS so I think we’ll be fine but my lord it’s not like the pampers adverts!

I have twins, now adults.

The issue for me was everything got shared (if you have a decent partner or husband) so bedtimes were easier with both of us doing it, tea times likewise - so we were co parenting in front of each other all the time. So not only were breaks and alone time vvv limited, we were simply in each other's lives far too relentlessly.

I remember how having one child to look after, alone, actually felt like a holiday.

We struggled through. I left the family home when the DTs went to university and tbh the relationship between me and their dad flourished at that point. We get on 100x better now. Still living apart.

So I have no advice. I worked FT so we had a live out nanny but obv whene and their dad returned from work we just both immediately got stuck into parenting - no downtime at all.

Huge sympathy. No advice.

It can help if you know what triggers arguments.
Sometimes it’s because one person feels like they’re taking on more work than the other. Or they don’t feel appreciated. Or there’s a clash between parenting approaches.
Do you both get time to yourself as well?