How do couples survive small children?

[itchyfinger]

This is a genuine question, I'm looking for advice from people who have experienced similar (dont want to hear "I've never had an argument with my partner" answers!)

Me & DH were very happy before kids, rarely argued. And then, BAM, twins! Quite early on in our relationship. The early days were a struggle, we were just so so tired that we argued a lot. We both recognised this was down to tiredness I think, but the relentlessnes of it all was too much.

Now the DC are almost 5, and our lives have changed for the better and generally we get along more for longer periods of time. But our kids are seriously high energy, dramatic, feisty etc. And it becomes too much and me & DH can end up fighting. Today we had a lovely day planned with a picnic in the sun, but the DC fought/whinged/ate too much sugar and it was so hot and everyone was irritable, and we ended up taking it out on each other. I feel shit about the day, and the thought of spending tomorrow with DH is already making me annoyed.

I just dont know how much longer we can go on for like this. I realise that lockdown has heightened things immensely, but tbh things always got a bit much before the pandemic. I dont understand how couples manage it? Early mornings, not having a second to yourself, the tediousness of small kids and barely being able to speak without being interrupted.

We have jobs/childcare/family help etc. Does it get easier? Will we have more time for each other? Will I ever feel like not murdering him after a weekend together (lighthearted, I'm not going to commit murder)?

We've all been there, it's an incredibly stressful time with young children, especially if you have different parenting styles. It is true you need to try to keep a united front but it is also true that it is not realistic all of the time!
Children will blame themselves when parents argue heaps. Children will develop anxiety, feel worried more if you argue lots.

That's why you need to have an agreement with your Dh that you will always keep a lid on disputes ,acknowledge/ tell Dh it is annoying, distract , then discuss together later. Talk about it away fromchildren, after you have given yourself time to calm, then you have a good chance to sort it calmly.

Agree with each other that When you feel annoyed and start to feel like snapping at each other, you will immediately stop and distract.

So when you want to tell off Dh in the car, as he's completely missed the point you were trying to make , open car window, have a minty/ sugar free gum/ apple , and say OK 'this is really pissing me off greatly, agree to disagree for now but we HAVE to sort this out with a chat later". He will get it. He will understand you feel annoyed. That is enough for now, leave dispute discussion for later. Then distract yourself by playing "I spy with my little eye" with kids or other child- friendly car game.

You will still feel annoyed, yes, but at least will know that your husband has understood how you are starting to feel, and avoid it triggering an all out fight in front of the children. You have a chance then to properly sort out whatever triggered your your anger with the hopefuller much calmer, one- to- one discussion later.
Nothing is foolproof but worth a try. I had 4 children, and do understand it is very hard. My friend had twins and an older child and found it very hard not to end up bickering with her Dh.

If you feel annoyed with Dh and you are in house, tey saying " This is annoying the crap outa me, I need time out. I have to go for a 20 min walk with / without twins. When Im back lets sort it out ". Or " Need to talk later" then give hubby an agreed signal. The two of you need to pat yourselves on the back for doung a great job too! Make each other favourite drinks/ snacks and enjoy a treat after kids in bed. Agree on a daily massage , get some nice massage oil, spend quality time, spoil each other!

We didnt truthfully. We are generally ok and together still but it was never the same and no i dont mean never the same but better, it just became so different.

DC took over our lives. Lack of sleep, lack of sex, having to constantly look out for and look after DC is exhausting in all aspects. Plus, directly and indirectly to having children my body just doesnt feel the same to me and i dont feel the same about it.
Then the resentment over who is doing more, sleeping more, has it tougher more between the two of us just made us separate further emotionally.

Sorry i know its not what you wanted to hear!