How do couples survive small children?

[itchyfinger]

This is a genuine question, I'm looking for advice from people who have experienced similar (dont want to hear "I've never had an argument with my partner" answers!)

Me & DH were very happy before kids, rarely argued. And then, BAM, twins! Quite early on in our relationship. The early days were a struggle, we were just so so tired that we argued a lot. We both recognised this was down to tiredness I think, but the relentlessnes of it all was too much.

Now the DC are almost 5, and our lives have changed for the better and generally we get along more for longer periods of time. But our kids are seriously high energy, dramatic, feisty etc. And it becomes too much and me & DH can end up fighting. Today we had a lovely day planned with a picnic in the sun, but the DC fought/whinged/ate too much sugar and it was so hot and everyone was irritable, and we ended up taking it out on each other. I feel shit about the day, and the thought of spending tomorrow with DH is already making me annoyed.

I just dont know how much longer we can go on for like this. I realise that lockdown has heightened things immensely, but tbh things always got a bit much before the pandemic. I dont understand how couples manage it? Early mornings, not having a second to yourself, the tediousness of small kids and barely being able to speak without being interrupted.

We have jobs/childcare/family help etc. Does it get easier? Will we have more time for each other? Will I ever feel like not murdering him after a weekend together (lighthearted, I'm not going to commit murder)?

It is sooo tough. I very much relate to all the stories on this thread.

DH and I have some rules we came up with after the first flush of delight in our new bundle wore off:

• we spend Friday evenings talking about how we felt everything went in the week and have to be totally honest about how we feel. Can sometimes be tough but it defuses many arguments before they happen.

• we have three kinds of time family/ alone and couple. We try to balance it all out. I recharge like an introvert and need some head space. DH realises that now that I’ve told him.

• breaks: we do away twice a year to a fancy hotel and leave DD with my mum for the weekend. Just keeping our hand in at being a child free couple for when she buggers off to uni.

And we encourage each other to have hobbies and friends.

It’s not perfect and lockdown has buggered up one weekend away and al our outside social contact. It’s been a struggle. I have been going for walks by myself. It really helps.

for you @itchyfinger. My DTs are a similar age and hard work!!

Have you contacted Twins Trust if you need a chat with anyone? They've really helped me in the past, even just for a bit of a moan.

One of my DC has suspected ASD and my HV is helping me with that; we were awaiting further appointments but now of course who knows when that will happen reading up on it has showed me that some of his behaviour isn't him being 'bad' as such but really something he cannot help. Lockdown has been good for him in some ways as we've explored more local parks and taken snacks, rather than try to get him to sit still at a cafe (a nightmare in itself!).

I think and sincerely hope that things will get easier when the DC go to school properly in September...

You just have to ride it out. Once we realised that we only really argue because of over the kids, it became easier- the situation is to blame , not the person. Every holiday we had for years started with:"why are we doing this?" But now the eldest is heading for his f I n year of primary so.it feels like we have a.little bit of breathing room.before the teenage years hit.

Oh god I am hating my husband some days...I'm working from home and juggling the kids (4 and 2) along with homeschooling the 4 year old... DH swanning out to work in peace, on his days off I'm also around (obviously).

The kids do nothing but whinge, fight and ask for food...they are irritating me beyond belief!! Yes they are my children but no way could I be a stay at home parent! Not a jot!

Some great tips.

We live in an old three storey house.

We gave each other a couple of hours peace on a day each at the weekend and a sleep in on alternative mornings.

This really helped us when sleep was at a premium.

Twins are very busy.

I have twins too (2.5yo) and the best I’ve got in terms of advice is to pay attention to how you are feeling and make it known and ask your DH to do the same.

Example, today I’ve woken up with the mother of all headaches and generally feeling crap, I know for a fact this will affect my mood and energy levels, I have reset my expectations of what I can do today because if I force more then it will lead to me getting snappy and irritated. I’ve let my DH know that it’s going to be a rough day and have apologised in advance if anything is said in the heat of the moment, it may not, but better for him to be prepared than for him to feel it’s come out of the blue should my temper flare a bit.

Tag team from different rooms is also brilliant advice. I know my parenting changes when DH is constantly around and his does when I am, we might feel the urge to bicker if we don’t agree on a certain approach, the main one being if my twins are starting an epic meltdown I use the comfort and distract method to try and stop it becoming a double meltdown as usually when one goes, the other will eventually join in, DH prefers to cuddle and talk through it with them - neither method is wrong but some days my way is the option that saves our sanity and on better days his method is better for letting our twins know we do accept their upset is valid - most of the time .

But if he insists on his approach when I’m already run into the ground (especially if I’m on my period which leaves me feeling exhausted) I get irrationally angry because I just want the crying to stop as soon as possible so would like him to try my method.

It won’t stop all arguments, it hasn’t with us, but we both operate better when we are aware of what the other is feeling up to at the start of the day and we try to form a plan on how to manage the day according to that. On good high energy days we don’t need to as we just crack on.

My hiding place is the kitchen, his is the bedroom. We also make sure to give each other a day off each weekend to get other stuff done if possible (or just to rest) - but it’s not a blanket “I’m not getting involved today” day off, if both of us are needed to manage our twins we’ll do so.

The neighbours had 4 kids and swore by taking half an hour every day to shut themselves in the kitchen (glass panels in door to living room + window into garden so they could still keep an eye on the little treasures) and have a cuppa together and talk, just the two of them.
And I've found me & OH recognizing when a SITUATION is triggering stuff (it's hot, you're hungry, tired, kids screaming whatever) and calling that out (albeit perhaps 5 seconds after an outburst ! "oh god sorry the heat is just too much for me, sorry I snapped") helps stave off rows & bickering.

Oh and we didn't do big family days out.

We kept it simple and close to home, and not too long either.

Holidays too, when they were young.
No airports with small children.

We have a holiday home that is an hour from where we live and we did very simple holidays there.

I think keeping things simple can really help and giving each other down time.

Yy to keeping it simple.
No big days out here either.
Holidays are in the U.K. no airports, jet lag etc etc

Some really good advice here, thank you for being so kind (I was honestly prepared for the "why would you argue with someone you love" brigade that I've seen on here before!

@bellesausage I love the idea of talking about how you've felt about things that have happened in the week. We barely ever talk retrospectively about how we feel or the arguments we have, it's all very "in the moment" (probably not ideal when the pressure is on like it is as the moment).

OP, I've no idea but thank you so much for reminding me that my wife and I aren't the only ones! It does the heart good to know that we aren't the only ones feeling exhausted. My wife and I generally do one child each for bedtime or one cooks and one does both or if one of us can see that the other is really tired then the other will do everything - it just depends but teamwork helps.

It is hard but it does get easier. I also think there are things you can do to ease it along the way.

One thing that worked for dh and me was to acknowledge the stress at the time and try to make it a shared thing. Jokes that recognised that "yes, actually this is a bit shit, but we are in it together". Laughing together is a great way of bonding when the going is heavy.

When ds was going through his difficult phase we had a special gesture that we shared behind his back. Possibly a bit mean, but it kept us going.

@cory lol we do that

Unfortunately a lot of marriages do not survive kids, I'm convinced most men don't want them. Women only do because of the maternal hormones and if they didn't have those hormones nobody would breed.
Personally I think it's essential to put the marriage first not the children, always present a united front and be strict disciplinarians, wishy washy liberal parenting will destroy a marriage very quickly and part of that united front is never ever fighting with each other in frnt of the children.

That's a bit of a gloomy take, madcatlady

Some men actually enjoy spending time with children and feel disappointed if they can't have them.

In my family, all men for at least 4 generations have been interested in children, enjoyed being with children, been very hands-on parents.

Ime strict disciplinarianism doesn't work any better than wishy-washy parenting. What really does work is a calm approach with an understanding of both viewpoints (the parents' and the child's) and a good sense of humour. I usually got my way when mine were little, and still get a lot of respect from them as grown-ups, but I don't think they'd describe me as a strict disciplinarian, more as a generally sensible person.

I remember those days! I have 4 DC including a set of twins and at one point had 3 under 3! It’s exhausting, relentless and often a thankless task. I guess what helped was a strict routine at home, we both worked so they were in childcare from being quite young, then we both had to juggle mornings, evenings and weekends. During the week, routine saved us and at the weekend we improvised and would generally wing it, that way we couldn’t didn’t set our expectations too high. Does that make sense?

That said, I did most of the Dr appointments, juggling work if they got sick etc as I had no other support. I was also fortunate enough to be able to afford a cleaner twice a week for my own sanity. Coming home to a clean house on a Friday would give us a fighting chance to relax over the weekend.

Something I regret was not being at all selfish- I was available 24/7 for the DC when I wasn’t working. My DH carried on with his hobby and odd nights out. I should have done the same, but felt guilty and obviously he went with it as it was easier. This led to a build up of resentment, which would keep coming to a head.

Once they got old enough for school, things got a bit easier. We also took holidays with kids clubs and activities, so we got time alone together or separately. We still do this and it means you really get to relax and just be you, even if it is only for an hour reading in the sun.

Above all, keep talking and saying if you’re not happy with the set up. You have to be a team or your energy will all be focused in the wrong direction. Accept that things go wrong, but try to focus on the good bits.

I disagree with madcatlady.
I don't think we should prioritise the marriage over the children, most couples recognise that sometimes the relationship has to take a back seat, although it's true that we shouldn't neglect it completely. DH and I both accept that we have to prioritise the kids a lot but it won't be that way forever.
I also disagree about "strict disciplinarian" type parenting is the only way a marriage can survive - I think the important thing is for parents to be more or less on the same page (albeit with minor differences sometimes) and to back each other up. I'm not a big fan of labels but the one I've found that resonates most with me is "positive parenting" (ahaparenting.com and the book 'How to talk so little kids will listen') and luckily DH is on board, we do have disagreements about how to manage difficult behaviour but we can usually find a middle ground. Equally I know of couples who are into "gentle parenting" (i suspect that might be what PP meant by "wishy washy liberal parenting" ) and while it's not my cup of tea, as long as they are both happy with that approach it seems to make for a harmonious relationship as far as I can see.

Give yourself a break regarding what the twins do. It really won't matter how much they watch tv or play on a screen, what's more important is your marriage which you'll need (& want) once they become teens. We used to eat separately from our kids once they'd gone to bed. I imagine you're tired but spend that time together some nights. Go to bed early and talk etc. You need to come together to deal with this. It is hard, especially at the moment. Cut yourself some slack. Really.

Whilst I don't quite agree with @madcatladyforever about putting marriage before children, and certainly don't think that men never want children. I do think that there is a need to prioritise marriage over children sometimes. I think its about needs and wants, the needs of the children are always number one, but the needs of the adults should trump the wants of the children.

Not just in regards to marriage, children are a season and you need to be able to be happy once they've moved on. Feels like yesterday mine were tiny, but at 9 and 12 I'm halfway through being their responsible adult and in a decade my life will be very different.

Not twins here but me and my OH have merged our families. Mines 8 and his is 6.

They love each other like sisters - technically a ‘cant be with, can’t be without’. So in the bad times they are essentially either arguing with each other or teaming up and ganging on us! They both display a serious onset of early tweenage attitude, public tantrums, an endless competition with each other.

Day trips can either go really nice or a nightmare.

We have screamed and cried. But the difference is we scream outwards and cry on each other. We don’t take our frustrations out on each other, we understand we are going through exactly the same thing.

It’s difficult but try and work for each other and not against. You’ll get there, families as exhausting as they are, are a blessing

Love, compassion, communication, kindness, teamwork, determination and a regular break both alone and a date night together.

It requires hard work and biting your tongue on a regular basis to keep the peace.

Long term relationships require effort. Even more so with small children in the mix.

"I think its about needs and wants, the needs of the children are always number one, but the needs of the adults should trump the wants of the children."

Yes this makes total sense.

@madcatladyforever that's an interesting take! Though I'm not sure it applies to us, I have to say that I think my DH is more of an enthusiastic father than I am mother. I love my kids more than anything (of course), but I'm not a fan of parenting, there isn't much joy to be had in managing 2 very young children, for me anyway. They're funny and cute but HARD work!!

As for never fighting in front of the kids, is this realistic? Please someone tell me! I see this a lot on MN and yet we really struggle with it, when the pressure is on and you're losing your mind and you've been awake since 5.30am how do you bottle it all in til later?! Maybe I'm too sensitive!!

It's bullshit.

There’s a great book called ‘how not to hate your husband after kids’ (if you ever get the time to read a book!) DH bought me it as a joke and we both read it, both got a lot out of it. Draws on various sources, couple counselling etc. A lot about how you communicate about what you need and all the classic flash points. It’s hard though, you are not the only ones for sure.