Is he reading my texts? Messenger

[Thatsnotsnowy]

I was involved in a really mixed up and ultimately an extremely toxic online friendship with a man I met a few years ago.

A few months ago we fell out I said some terrible things and he disappeared from FB, I think he deleted his account. I have since spent a lot of time taking a good hard look at myself and what led me to become involved in such a horrible situation. I have also read up on narcissist patterns of behaviour and I now firmly believe that’s what he is.

The thing is I have sent him quite a few grovelling texts (Via messenger) over these months and a few slightly crazy ones in the beginning. I think I wanted some closure and to apologise, we have lots of mutual friends and I just don’t want this hanging over me any longer.

They are always sent, but not delivered. I know he is still using messenger.

Does the fact my texts are marked as “sent” mean that I’m blocked or has he set me to ignore and is in fact reading my texts but ignoring them.

Any advice would be welcome. Don’t be too hard, I know deep down it doesn’t matter, but I guess I’m struggling to move on after things were left so badly.

If he deleted his FB account then he couldn't use Messenger.

When I click on his little circle picture it says using messenger without fb.

He may not have left Facebook but just blocked you. (I'm sure you can still have messenger without Facebook tho) .

If you said horrible things, it's probably as simple as he blocked you, and can't see anything you send.

You need to accept his decision. He doesn't owe it to you to hear you out, whether it's an apology or not. You need to make peace with it on your own.

Thanks, you’re right. I don’t know why I’m finding it so hard.

And if he is a narcissist and your interaction was so toxic, trying to reconnect is a huge, like huuuge, self-destructive impulse on your part. This push-pull stuff can be addictive, you need to stop indulging it.

If you've been blocked it will say "you cannot reply to this conversation" at the bottom. It's likely that the message request has gone in to his requests folder and he's either not seen it or clicked ignore.

It’s weird, most of the time I’m ok but then it all comes back to me... and this urge to find out what went wrong is overwhelming.

I hope I’m blocked because then he won’t have seen the grovelling texts, but the fact they’re sent makes me feel that he’s reading them.

Why not take control of it and block him?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation You can use Messenger without a Facebook page

If it's not delivered then he's blocked you on messenger

Yes either blocked or he's put you on ignore. The "you can not reply to this conversation" doesn't appear every time with blocking (I have tested this )
The only way I can discover if it's blocked or ignore is if I go to their facebook profile, if message is still available then I'm not blocked.

Sounds like I’m blocked, I guess this is good as it means he’s not seen my messages. I can’t check his fb page as it has gone.

I miss him today, I was making progress but have been poorly recently with coronavirus and maybe it’s set me back and made me feel super sad and emotional about him. I wonder how he is, whether he’s well. I’ve never really fallen out with anyone before.

If you're blocked then you won't be able to find his Facebook page - to you it will seem like it's disappeared

Although you shouldn't be able to send him messages at all if he's blocked you so I don't know!

Why not take control of the situation and you block him on everything. Then move on.

I mean this gently OP, but sending a series of messages like this after it is finished is not healthy or rational behaviour. You say it was a complicated relationship (he wasn't single?) and toxic. Ask yourself why you weren't the one to block him and why you are still giving him headspace? I hope you can move on and find happiness. Forget closure. He wasn't for you.

No, it started off perfectly innocent but quite quickly his texts become flirty and I guess I fell for them and him. After a year they changed his mantra became “friends only”. Sometimes he’s be distant and sometimes attentive. It was when things changed from flirty to friends that things seemed to turn bad, I became desperate to get the old friend back. Sometimes it was like I was chatting to my best friend and sometimes it was just awful. Sometimes I’m convinced he was a master manipulator, other times I wonder if he was just lonely too.

I’m sorry I’m probably just having a bad day, missing family, friends and work.

I do need to block him, you’re right. Thanks

I have since spent a lot of time taking a good hard look at myself and what led me to become involved in such a horrible situation. I have also read up on narcissist patterns of behaviour and I now firmly believe that’s what he is.

So your takeaway from “taking a good hard look at myself” was diagnosing him as a narcissist? May I suggest you revisit “taking a good hard look at myself” and reflect on your past and current behaviour because that’s the thing you can control.

I said also, and what I meant was that I think there was a combination of factors, my behaviour and his that led to the toxic situation.
I do believe I’m generally quite empathetic and his patterns of behaviour fit with those of a covert narcissist.

It’s a situation I’ve never been in before, I didn’t go looking for this. It’s natural to take some time to reflect.

I've suspended my FB account and can still use messenger. However on FB no one can find my account.

You've not said anything that indicates he's narcissistic. It also seems your messages are more about you wanting to control things after saying some horrible things to him.

I agree with a pp, you need more self reflection.

It doesn't help to label him anything - it just keeps the focus on him and his behaviour and makes you relive all the addictive feelings.

Also if you are reading stuff online about narcissistic behaviour then you will be reading about being discarded and that you might get hoovered against some point. None of that is healthy or useful to you so if you are serious about moving on then your only choice is to block him on every avenue. To stop yourself looking more than to limit his ability to contact you.

You can use Messenger without having Facebook.

You can't send messages to an account that's blocked you. There won't be an option to type in a comment - it says something like "you can't send messages to this contact" or words to that effect.

Agree he's either muted your chat or else they're diverting to his Other box so he may not even spot them. Incidentally I can read the last message that someone sends if I hover over it on my laptop. Won't show as read.

You definitely need to block him. That puts you in control, not him.

You know this is destructive. We've all made those decisions before even though in the long run we know they're not the best idea. Be kind to yourself and block him so you have no way to communicate or interact. That's the closure you need.

I feel that I’m not blocked. I don’t think my texts would be marked as “sent”.
You’re right though, I need to find my own closure.
I won’t go in to detail, but there are many, many things that make me feel sure he is a narcissist.