Partner paying for porn/pictures???

[Shorty321x]

Hi just wanted to get peoples opinions on this because I'm not sure what to think.

I have been with my partner for 5 years now and we have a child together.

Was looking through emails to help him out and found a receipt for a site I've never heard of, anyway I have googled it and it's an escort site with videos of women and private galleries of them too.

Just abit of background he's struggled financially for I'd say around 10 months and I've gave him money throughout that I'd saved up (not just a tiny bit of money either I may add) and turns out he's spent over £100 in the past couple of months to view pictures of other women and videos

I honestly don't care about him watching porn that isn't my issue here. My issue is that he's paying for it.

I'd like other people's opinions on it because I'm so confused and to be honest it's made me feel not good enough. Thanks x

This sounds very upsetting and a bit of a shock.
You speak as if it is more about the finances and it does sound like it needs to be addressed (without mentioning the porn) It is unfair to ask for help from you and then blatantly splurge. It seems more than selfish.
Please don't feel bad about yourself. You have been kind.
Face him and ask if he intends to repay you. Under these circumstances he should aim to please you. If he explodes and is angry and wont repay you, then decide what needs to happen next?
Take care.

Grim.

Come on you deserve better, paying for pictures and then wanking over them.

I’ve no problem with porn but if my boyfriend started paying for I’d go fucking nuclear.

OP how would you feel about him paying for porn if he didn't have financial problems?

Hopefully if you talk to him and tell him that you don't feel it's right that he's paying for this content when he's borrowing money off you, he'll think twice next time.

I'm angry more than anything. I feel betrayed, we have addressed the money situation but in the current situation it's not worth talking about as money's been cut. We don't have a joint bank account we just pay equal into the house and things for our child. Whatever's left is our own, which is how it's worked since we moved in together.

It's really put me off him. We've always had a good sex life so I don't really get the need especially when there's free stuff out there. also the thing videos/pictures he's paid for are the complete opposite of me which makes me feel that it's something to do with me (appearance wise)

I've thought about it and I know I deserve better, but it's not that easy to get up and go with a child involved.

@FlyingTinOfBeans erm, I think I'd still be fuming regardless of problems.

Also how do I confront him.... hi, sorry I was snooping in your emails, then I found this site.... went onto the site and requested a password and username reminder and found all this shit....

He’s taking the piss here. Massively.

To say your helping him out financially and he’s spending the money on porn pics I don’t get why he wouldn’t view regular porn for free?

@Mama05 I don't know exactly if he's ever spent the money I've gave him on this I'd have to do some good investigation work for that 😂

But yeah that's also my thinking.... just go on a porn site and type in what you want to see there? Worst thing is the stuff he's viewing he's never expressed any interest in so I don't get it

The website wasn't adultwork was it? I've been there unfortunately and I made it clear that there were no more chances and to my knowledge it sunk in and he hasn't been up to those games.

I would just say, when I was helping with your emails I found this (insert name of website) it sounded dodgy and had your details so wanted to
Make sure it wasn’t a scam against you and whilst doing that I noticed you’re signed up. I don’t have a problem with that as such, but I can see the services aren’t free and I know you’re trying to save etc. What’s the situation

@Raaaa yeah that was the site, how did you confront your other half?

@doryf good idea. The thing is my issue is that he's paying for private galleries (pictures) of other women like the porn isn't really the issue it's the pictures that bother me the most to be honest

@Shorty321x I didn't mention how I knew I just said 'I know you've been speaking to other women and viewing porn pics' or something along those lines. He didn't deny it because he was called out and I don't think to this day he realised I saw the emails at all, I don't know how he thinks I know ..

I've never been in this type of situation... having said that, I think that I'd want a candid conversation about it. Yeah, snooping isn't a good thing... but like you said, you were on his email account to help him out with something. Not to put the frighteners on you, but Adultwork is an escort directory. I didn't know that pornographic content was sold on there though. If this isn't challenged, could it lead to the booking of an escort...?

I'd have two issues;

1. To me it's too personal and interactive.

Prerecorded porn, no contact is ok (there's a huge ethical debate about porn, but that's another thread). Not being in contact with sex workers on a site for buying pics/videos/can sex and also buying physical sexual services like adultwork is.

1. The money aspect.

The web is chock full of images and videos of every imaginable type of person performing every imaginable sexual act .... So why the fk pay for it. It's a total waste of money, at the very best of times let alone when you're short of money. It suggests that there is a personal/direct element in it the man is seeking out .. Which brings me back to point 1.

Bad enough to use his own money to buy porn when there's a world of free porn out there. Using money his partner had had to give him .....

I don't know that my relationship would survive either element of this.

Don't put up with it. Porn is bad enough without him using your money. What did he say the money was for? Ask him to see what the money was for. Get him to justify it. Once he lies about something surely that's game over?

@FlyingTinOfBeans yeah I've looked at bookings & phone calls of escorts because that's initially what I thought but there was none there.

Then you can look at credit history and you can see the videos they have paid for or the persons name of pictures that they've viewed ect. It's honestly just thrown me because I knew he watched porn we've talked about it before because I do, I just thought he used the other sites...

but I don't want to confront him because i don't know if he'll ever give me money he's supposed to be paying me back. is that bad? But I also don't want him to think he can get away with it while I've been supporting him. And then I don't think this is something I can actually work through.

I would just say, when I was helping with your emails I found this (insert name of website) it sounded dodgy and had your details so wanted to
Make sure it wasn’t a scam against you and whilst doing that I noticed you’re signed up. I don’t have a problem with that as such, but I can see the services aren’t free and I know you’re trying to save etc. What’s the situation

Why don't you bring him a cup of tea and offer to suck his dick while you're at it.

I guess paying for it and keeping this secret adds a bit of a forbidden thrill eh? Really not very healthy.

@BrandNewHair @GilbertMarkham I don't know if the money I've gave him was to buy stuff like that exactly, basically he was working but the money he was getting wasn't enough to cover all bills... hence where I gave him money. The money that he's ever asked for has been for bills I know about to the exact amounts. I'd have to look into it to find out if the money I've been giving him has been going onto that x

I would be worried he was looking to actually hook up with them if it was an escort site. There’s so much free porn these days why pay for it unless he was using it for actual meeting. So sorry x

Weird that lots don't mind dp watching porn but are furious they'd pay for it. How on earth are porn stars meant to make their money of people don't pay??!

I'm not a pornstar by the way but my cousin is and she's making shit loads of cash. I'd be really upset if she was doing all that and not getting paid for it

Get the money back first and then confront him but it's a no win really as what's his excuse going to be?... Nothing worth listening to I'm sure.....

@Skyla2005 yeah I've looked into it because there is a part on the website that you can see any bookings ect & phone calls and there was nothing there.

Still don't know if I can get over it because it's very intimate in my opinion

@Shorty321x nope it's not bad that you're concerned about getting your money back. You didn't give him the money, you loaned him it. Beside the fact that you're uncomfortable with him paying for this kind of content, his priority should be paying you back. There are so many free sites out there... there really isn't any need to be paying for it

What was your advise @gilbertMarkham?

‘ I don't know that my relationship would survive either element of this’

Helpful.....

@Shorty321x If it’s going to bother you, it needs confronting, it’s not something to blurt our in the middle of an argument about something else.

If you don’t like what he’s done- tell him.

You weren’t snooping, you found it- let’s discuss this. Wishing you luck x

@roxfox well everyone's got different opinions... especially when he's got no money to put towards his child for clothes but can pay for porn... then again that's my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️