Partner paying for porn/pictures???

[Shorty321x]

Hi just wanted to get peoples opinions on this because I'm not sure what to think.

I have been with my partner for 5 years now and we have a child together.

Was looking through emails to help him out and found a receipt for a site I've never heard of, anyway I have googled it and it's an escort site with videos of women and private galleries of them too.

Just abit of background he's struggled financially for I'd say around 10 months and I've gave him money throughout that I'd saved up (not just a tiny bit of money either I may add) and turns out he's spent over £100 in the past couple of months to view pictures of other women and videos

I honestly don't care about him watching porn that isn't my issue here. My issue is that he's paying for it.

I'd like other people's opinions on it because I'm so confused and to be honest it's made me feel not good enough. Thanks x

I skim read your op and initially thought he had a child from a previous relationship, but you have a child together too ... As molotov said, this is shit and I'm sorry .

Yeah we have a child together, thanks everyone. I'm going to try and get the money sorted and then tell him to get out, too far gone and if I'm not looking at him the same now I won't look at him the same after he's gave an explanation for whatever he's been up to!

Bit weird with all the free porn out there what a waste of money

@Paulolina think I've gathered that it's not just pics/porn he's looking at - think he's using the escort services too!

Some men can’t help being idiots, really What a bloody waste of money.
Tell him you accidentally came across it and had to have a look. If he’s any normal human being I’m sure he will understand you wanting to look at it.
Turn tables on him, ask him would he look if he saw it on your emails.

Your relationship will survive if you make it work. By this, he needs to promise to not do this again. The risk though, is him now hiding it from you, now he knows you’re onto him. However, you have to trust him if he says he won’t do it again. Just be cautious.

@1LoveMakeUp I get it completely but I'm just not the type of person to forgive and forget... even paying for numbers to look for escorts makes my stomach turn wether he did or didn't do it, the intention is there x

but I don't want to confront him because i don't know if he'll ever give me money he's supposed to be paying me back. is that bad?

This is what you are worried about the most ? Thing there's more to worry about than that .

@TheStuffedPenguin no it isn't the thing I'm most worried about. He hasn't made complaints about the sex life he has so other than that I can't really see an excuse for what he's done, even if he thought he had a shit sex life he should of voiced his opinion and left if he wanted to go with escorts. So yes while it might seem petty to some about the money side of things I could of potentially paid for escorts with the money I have lent him whilst thinking I was supporting him to not get into debt.

I would write off the money you gave him as a cautionary tale not to bankroll stupid men

Move on

what a waste of money, why pay for it, it's all over the bloody internet!!!

This is what you are worried about the most ? Thing there's more to worry about than that.

I think you e misunderstood op - she's said all along this is unacceptable to her (understandably, and especially because he appears to have bought a directory of contacts for the sex workers/escorts on.adiltwork, and posters who've experienced this think he bought the images,/videos as s step toward booking one or more) and the issue of not getting her money back is alongside ending the relationship .... Not that she's going to stay in the relationship and is concerned about getting her loan repaid.

Op you have strong, clear values & boundaries.

Many another poster on here in a similar position has been struggling like a fish on a hook, trying to find ways to get past it, trying to minimise and it's clear they're not going to leave. Of course that's their perogative and we can all appreciate how major and devastating it is end a Relationship (at all let alone with kids) .. a d the fact that many people struggle with things like this not being proven infidelity or "traditional" infidelity.
But you worry on their behalf that a man who's gone there, will go there again sooner or later.

(and also that what she's found and proven does not cover what he's actually done)..

Whether you follow through or not, its important to get a loan repayment precedent set up donors clear that he's regularly, repeatedly paying you amounts .. as I said maybe citizens advice or a solicitor can help you in his best to do this do he can't default on paying you back, claim it was a gift, claim he didn't receive it etc. (do you have clear evidence of transferring the 3k)?

@GilbertMarkham I transferred all of it from bank account so the proof would be there just have to sit through it! X

OP, may I add to all the good advice from PPs - you need to get an STI check.
If your husband has actually been visiting any of the escorts whose phone numbers were on the site, then he may well have infected you.
Many sexually transmitted diseases can render you infertile and some can make you seriously ill or kill you. A high percentage of prostitutes are drug addicts and can be positive for hepatitis B and C, for starters.

@Babdoc yep I've been thinking about this too, will find somewhere open today and go x

You should care he's watching porn full stop, paid for or free! Jesus, get some self respect and be with someone who cares about women.

@ItsMsActually everyone has a different opinion on partners watching porn and I never cared about it as it's clearly a habit for some men anyway. Also I've watched porn plenty of times - that doesn't mean I don't have respect for men/women?

He'd be gone if that was my husband.

Yes that's exactly what it means. You either don't care, or are completely ignorant to the harm porn causes. You should educate yourself on it.

While writing off the money you've lent to him would mean a quicker end to this shitty relationship, if you can't afford to write it off (and I certainly couldn't!) I would make him start paying you back whilst in lockdown, even in tiny increments. Don't let on you have found his adultwork account, just get as much back as you can, then once lockdown is lifted you can kick him out with at least some of the money recovered. He may turn nasty when you break up with him or confront him over the sex workers and make getting the money back difficult/impossible.

An STI check is also a good idea. Sorry that you're going through this OP

Hi OP. I’ve been through a similar situation with my ex.

I was looking through his history on his laptop as I had suspicions he was up to something and I found an e-receipt for a payment to a cam porn website. I was pregnant at the time, he was living in my house, he had money issues and we were supposed to be saving money for the baby.

Personally I dislike porn, it’s not something I use and I dislike it’s use by partners, but it is their choice if they do, it’s not a dealbreaker for me. But on the site he was using it basically enabled him access to 1-2-1 live porn where he could interact and direct the ‘show’. The interaction was the thing that got me. It crossed a boundary.

Anyway, I confronted him about it, said that this was his final warning, any further instances of similar behaviour would mean that we were over. Naively I gave him a second chance, looking back now, I shouldn’t have.

When our DS was maybe around 4 months old I found he had done the same again, but this time had also swapped phone numbers with one of the cam women, she had searched for his phone number on Facebook, found his and my profiles and was trying to blackmail him for money. When he realised he was going to be exposed by her he confessed to me.
He was kicked out 2 days later.

Money was tight due to me being on mat leave, I was running a very tight budget and he was spending money which should have been going into the household budget, and by extension for his son, on porn. Abhorrent.
Plus he had swapped his number, he could never explain why he did it, if he wanted to meet her or try and get some dirty talk from her at a time when my PND was hitting badly and we weren’t having sex.

Anyway, he was kicked out back to his mothers and I don’t have to deal with his pathetic behaviour anymore.

I hope you make the right choices for you, he’s clearly not been thinking about you or his family properly for a long time.

@User18492725204065241 I wish it was that simple to just write it off but the money was for a house deposit so it just looks like I was more invested in our future than he ever was

That's what I'm going to do, try and get it all back and then once this lockdown is over which I don't think will be anytime soon (unfortunately) he can go.

I am going to find somewhere that's open today (hopefully) and go.

Thankyou x

@PawPatrolMakesMeDrink so sorry you went through all of that. How shitty is it. It's dated back to around about when I found out I was pregnant up untill a couple of days ago so it's been going on for some time - I personally don't think this is something I can move past and forgive him for as I think he will lie about the situation when confronted and make out it was nothing but it's too personal for me to move past! As you have said they don't change ways and there is plenty more sites out there too it may just be that I haven't seen them! X