Places that men go- Matthew Hussey dating advice?

[LilMissRe]

Hi everyone

I'm reading through Matthew Hussey's book and I'm struggling with something I've read.

He's advised women to frequent places that men go but only gave a small selection of places as examples: the gym, martial arts and wine/whiskey tasting?

He then said if you don't like any of those, make a ritual of going out with friends once or twice a week to places where men go.

This is all pre- corona

Now, I'm struggling here. At 36, my friends, same age, are no longer interested in going out to places where you need to make an effort and dress up- they've all recently settled down, won't leave their partners for a second, and many have small children. So they either do not see the point as they have hung up the gloves for staying up past 9, are too tired or financially insecure to commit to anything with me, like courses or trying new places to eat that they would rather just invite me to third wheel their family dinners.

Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with their families, but it defeats the object of meeting new people.

The other struggle I have is actually finding places where men go. Not just any man obviously- I'd like to go to places where I don't feel out place and vulnerable and where I think a high value man would frequent.

I again, before corona, would often sit in a coffee shop alone either reading, or working on my laptop. I do go to museums and galleries because I enjoy them and I do go for walks around city parks.Other than that, I love the theatre and cinema. I don't like to go to bars and clubs, as I do not drink nor do I like gyms as my workout is usually pilates, swimming or yoga.

My question is, can anyone suggest other places for me to go to, as he puts it "put myself out there".

Where do high value men go?

I honestly sometimes think that they're probably at home, working on their business or hobby or passion, maybe cooking, maybe tucking into a book, podcast or documentary or spending time with their own close family and friends.

So how do our paths cross then? Must it really only be online dating?

I'd love any suggestions!

When a women says "high value' 99% of the time she means an attractive doctor. That's OK. But just accept that when men want "high value" they want arm candy.

‘integrity, is respectful, reliable, consistent, self assured, independent, emotionally intelligent and emotionally stable’ doesn’t everyone think they are these things? I do think this list makes more sense. Trouble is people who tell you they are these things often aren’t - like they way men who tell you they ‘don’t play games’ are massive game players as normal men don’t think about it so have no need to tell you they aren’t.

Disagree with "high value" women are eye candy. Maybe those men having a mid life crisis go for that. You are describing high maintenance to me!

A high value woman is one who can hold her ground whilst respecting you may disagree with her, has self worth/confidence, and is your teammate. I'd prefer a woman proudly showing stretch marks in trackies with the above traits over a blonde bimbo or aggressive matriarch. To amend a phrase from an older era, behind every great person lies a greater teammate...

How about walking in the park on a lovely day? if you borrow a dog to walk then you'll be approachable, can throw a ball in a strategic direction and a dog is a good icebreaker. borrowmydoggie is a good app if you don't have a nearby friend with a dog.

Just want to say i'm in the same boat but I'm 40, I prefer the idea of meeting someone naturally in everyday life too, I do think its more difficult when your older as I think men would assume your already married for them to approach you, no harm in trying to look more friendly and starting convos though... I think OD is probably more realistic for me as I'm quite shy and don't really get out much due to work and kids. I don't think it matters though where you meet them? but be open to meeting new people online and in everyday life.

What's with all the hate for Matthew Hussey? I think he gives great advice and I have used it successfully before (without spending money) he tells women to look for someone who isn't wasting their time and gives advice on how to meet them and put yourself out there. He's got lots of videos on youtube so doesn't charge everyone for his advice.
High value doesn't mean rich and he tells women to be high value themselves.

OP I would suggest thinking of the types of places your ideal guy would go and go there, I admit it's so much harder doing it on your own than with a friend!

Would you be open to chatting to some fella, if happened to be in a coffee shop?

Matthew Hussey ... his gf left him for someone else.... Did he choose wrong? Did he do the wrong things? Whatever... guy just out to make money lol. He don't know shit but ya he cute.

In the past, I was chatted up at the most unlikely places - a yoga silent meditation course and a creative writing course which are normally full of women but the one I signed up for happened to be full of men.These were things I'd joined because I wanted to try them and I expected them to be full of like-minded women. The men I met on the writing course were really nice - one is still a friend decades later and two of the others were lovely looking with good jobs (but not talented writers which put me off for some reason.)

When a women says "high value' 99% of the time she means an attractive doctor. That's OK. But just accept that when men want "high value" they want arm candy.

Well op must be in the 1% because she doesn't mean that - which you'd know if you read her posts.

And ime most men who are high value by your definition don't actually want arm candy - they want pretty, attractive, however you want to out it and good career/high achiever as well.

Pretty much all the attractive doctors I've met are married to ... Attractive doctors.

Going back to an earlier remark about museums, galleries and so on.
Have you any special interests such as a group of artists, or a period of history such as Tudors or the changes brought by railways?
If one delves into anything by just one or two steps you will meet men and women who are more interesting.

Less seriously; Anything to do with trains or old ships and you will be in the minority, (probably only 10%) but warning 'they' tend to only talk to people who are knowledgeable about something. My DH of many years is a member of a Heritage Railway so I know that world a little. My tip is stay feminine. As on on-train ticket collector you will meet lots of people in a day and you can wear a skirt.

I think you're better off with online dating.
I train at a martial arts gym (pre-corona) and I know a few couples who have gotten together there, but the vast majority are existing couples who joined together.
Most people are there for the thing they came to learn. A relationship is a bit of an inconvenient incidental (if they break up, someone has to give up a major part of their life to avoid awkwardness).
I think the main issue is that Matthew Hussey teaches women to be a target for PUAs.
The only type of man who is going to talk to you in a museum is the sort who talks to women everywhere and they're not generally more interested in how quickly they can get you into bed than a relationship.

@KnockDownNinjas Matthew Hussey was a PUA before switching sides.

I've got no idea what a PUA is but am pretty sure that if I didnt do online dating I would be single for pretty much the rest of forever.

I'm a 46 year old, attractive (if my OLD match rate is anything to go by), independent, confident, full time working, gym going, mother of two teens. Men in the age range I'm interested in (40-50) do not approach me when I'm out. Ever. And I wouldn't approach them because how on earth do you know if they are single?

High-value is a horrible term although I appreciate for some people a shared ambition/orientation towards material success is important. I more interested in them being clever, witty, honest and sexy than rich but basic solvency is important.

That said I am thinking of doing bouldering classes when 'this is all over'! It looks fun and a good way to meet potentially interesting people.

Hi LilMIssRae
I was in your position over 10 years ago and I joined lots of clubs for after-work activities: wine tasting, cookery, film clubs... I eventually met my dh through one of the clubs, although in a roundabout way - he wasn't actually at the club but was friends with someone who was and came to an end of term party.
Anyway, I would say go ahead and join whatever you are interested in (don't specifically go for a hobby which is male-dominated if you're not interested in it yourself, as you will end up resenting the waste of time) but it's a numbers game, and you might not meet anyone who is in the right age bracket/single/mutually attractive.
I would give online dating a go. Again, it's the luck of the draw.
Good luck!

*Matthew Hussey was a PUA before switching sides."

That makes sense.

The pus market is a crammed one, he prob thought he was being smart going over to the other side. Plus he knows that his looks (and his accent in the US where he seems to focus) make women more likely to follow him and pay him.

He's quite smug and some of what he says is a bit bull shitty.

Pua market - lol that's a bit if a Freudian autocorrect.

Just on a practical note you said you like yoga. Depending on the type of yoga class some do attract quite a few men. I've seen lots of guys at hot yoga and Iyengar classes as these are perceived as more hard core. Maybe just try some new classes?

Online dating is the best bet for most people to be honest. Yes, you'll need to sift through a lot of people who don't fit your criteria, but I think that the vast majority of people actively looking to date in modern times are on dating apps (probably multiple).

I think the idea that you'll run into some rare prince charming by foregoing them is a fallacy. They're not legendary Pokémon who can only be found if you stumble into one, specific secret area.

If "high-value" equates to "someone who has a lot of worthwhile stuff going on in their life", I'd imagine they're exactly the type who'd be taking the efficient route of online dating.

To be fair to Matthew Hussey, I don’t think he means ‘rich’ or ‘eye candy’ by ‘high value’. I think he’s trying to refer to the extent to which someone is worth your time. So someone who calls when he says he will, doesn’t play games or cheat, and so on.

The term makes me feel queasy nonetheless.

And so much of his advice does feel a lot like game playing.

Matthew Hussey uses High Value for women - to mean that they don't put up with shit behaviour, they don't drop everything to go out with a man, they continue with hobbies and girlfriends, and they don't tolerate game playing, flakiness, lying, or cheating. They value themselves and have high enough self esteem to walk away.

it isn't about good jobs or whatever. He didn't use it for men either.

I kind of agree - high value is the way to go in dating (and life). And his point is that men find it more attractive anyway, (although a high value woman wouldn't care about that) and a high value woman attracts a more respectful, kind, honest man. (which makes sense, a woman that takes crap, cheating, lying etc, will get rubbish men).

I don't know what PUA is but lots of what Matthew Hussey spouts is a load of rubbish.

PUA - Pick up artist
haha had to search the meaning myself

LilMissRe, you started this thread a few days ago. You have had 124 messages.
Whaddya think?

Were we any help, any ideas that you might follow up?

@soruff Thank you- Yes there have been lots of really good suggestions. I think as some pp have mentioned upthread that it's best to join classes that I genuinely have an interest in pursuing and if something comes from that- come what may- I'll only go if I actually feel like I'd enjoy it. I've discovered that there are some zoom or online classes for cooking or tasting, cocktail making, that kind of thing- might give that a go while in lockdown!

The yoga I currently go to (pre corona) usually do not have many men ( my age) attending but I have heard that hot yoga could be an option. I could try that, looks and sounds hard but could give it some thought anyway.

I really like the idea of bouldering or indoor rock climbing. I think as an activity, or exercise, that might be the one I'd pursue. It does look like fun.

I think in all honesty, it appears that the best/ effective way after reading posts on here is to meet through mutual friends, or online. I'll keep at the current dating apps I have and may in a few months pluck up the courage to pay for match and eharmony.

The more I read of this book the more deflated I get as it seems he is trying to get the woman to do all the leg work so to speak. I'd like to meet halfway and say both men and women should raise the bar for each other and stop playing games. I'll finish the book but take what he says with a pinch of salt.

Thank you for suggesting some really brilliant ideas- I even enjoyed the debate around 'high value' too despite my intentions, or point being completely missed :)

I will report back and actually hope that I get to report on all the dating and 'when will I ever meet anyone' threads that I've started/joined on here to say that I have had some success :)