Places that men go- Matthew Hussey dating advice?

[LilMissRe]

Hi everyone

I'm reading through Matthew Hussey's book and I'm struggling with something I've read.

He's advised women to frequent places that men go but only gave a small selection of places as examples: the gym, martial arts and wine/whiskey tasting?

He then said if you don't like any of those, make a ritual of going out with friends once or twice a week to places where men go.

This is all pre- corona

Now, I'm struggling here. At 36, my friends, same age, are no longer interested in going out to places where you need to make an effort and dress up- they've all recently settled down, won't leave their partners for a second, and many have small children. So they either do not see the point as they have hung up the gloves for staying up past 9, are too tired or financially insecure to commit to anything with me, like courses or trying new places to eat that they would rather just invite me to third wheel their family dinners.

Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with their families, but it defeats the object of meeting new people.

The other struggle I have is actually finding places where men go. Not just any man obviously- I'd like to go to places where I don't feel out place and vulnerable and where I think a high value man would frequent.

I again, before corona, would often sit in a coffee shop alone either reading, or working on my laptop. I do go to museums and galleries because I enjoy them and I do go for walks around city parks.Other than that, I love the theatre and cinema. I don't like to go to bars and clubs, as I do not drink nor do I like gyms as my workout is usually pilates, swimming or yoga.

My question is, can anyone suggest other places for me to go to, as he puts it "put myself out there".

Where do high value men go?

I honestly sometimes think that they're probably at home, working on their business or hobby or passion, maybe cooking, maybe tucking into a book, podcast or documentary or spending time with their own close family and friends.

So how do our paths cross then? Must it really only be online dating?

I'd love any suggestions!

Oh FFS.

Op has explained her interpretation of high value and it is reasonable,band not snobby/money oriented/social status oriented.

And by her definition, yes there are both low and high value women and men.

Some people's behaviour makes them low value eg lack of integrity, dishonesty etc.

Morning everyone

Thank you for your suggestions!

I posed the question to ask where the good men are- that was it. This wasn't a generic question, it was based on the book that I'm reading and I quoted from it- so please do not take issue with me using terminology from that book. We are missing the point.

As for qualities and what is termed ' value'-of course we are not talking about worth here. Everyone has equal worth, but I'm not debating that.

The term value is not how much value one person attaches to another, that's not how the book interprets it- value here is, is how much value one attaches to themselves. Nothing to do with status, class, money whatever.

Low value men and women (again in the book) is interpreted as when they are not honest, do not respect themselves, or others and do not follow through on their actions. So as this is related to dating, a woman who ignores red flags, turns a blind eye to a cheat and player, blames herself for anything he does wrong would not be valuing herself highly ( we're not talking abuse- just early stages of dating)

A guy who lies, cheats, plays the game, says one thing yet means another, gaslights and is disrespectful, runs away from any mature conversation or commitment, is not valuing himself highly.

I'm not perfect and for a long time didn't not value myself- I was a doormat in a very abusive marriage for many years and it took every ounce of confidence left in me to leave.

I put in the work though, I do value myself now and whilst every year I become more self assured, so I'm not quite there yet- living with other traits that I mentioned I look for in my partner are ones that I am proud to say I practise.

If semantics is the problem here then maybe we should move away from the term 'value' and hopefully offer suggestions as to how anyone can meet a decent man then- aside from sports.

I won't be using the term from now on and again, I did not intend to come across as snobby. Apologies if I have.

Subject to CV19, try a singles holiday? You may. It meet the man of your dreams, but you will make friends and then you will have people to go to other places with.

Windsurfing holiday, walking, temples, sailing, cycling with chateaux and wine? There must be something you would like to do with other non couples?

I realise it was something drawn from this dating guru chap. It just pressed all my buttons, I guess.

Have you tried something like MeetUp - they sometimes have social groups such as "young professionals of x-place" or interest groups that might appeal to you?

I don't know about a specific "singles holidays" but I went on an organised trip (Much Better Adventures, but there are lots of others depending on your budget) where there were a mix of singles and couples (I'm not single but went on my own) and I'd really recommend it, whether looking for romance or otherwise.

That was supposed to be 'may not meet'.

Also National Trust talks, Lovesail, Crew seekers, Cinnamon Trust (to walk dogs occasionally) volunteer at a charity (soup kitchen, night bus, hospital), working parties prison visiting, charity committees, teach EFL, archaeology.... broaden your horizons...

I'm not having a go at you, OP. I realise it's common parlance in dating advice circles, and this concept of 'high value' human beings gets thrown around a lot, possibly meaning quite different things to different people.

I find it fascinating though. Boris Johnson, for instance. Is he a 'high value' man? How much is he worth? I mean on the one hand he's rich. Very rich indeed. He has an important, high powered job. I suppose he has a certain bumbling charisma. But he's dishonest, unfaithful, and a grade A sociopath. So what is he 'worth'? A lot or not?

On the other side of the coin you have a man that works for minimum wage down my local corner shop. He's average looking, rents his home off the local authority. But he's very kind to animals and has set up a scheme managing and delivering food parcels to people in need during lockdown. What is he 'worth'?

Are fat women worth more or less than slim women? How about clever women. Are they worth more? Women with low self esteem and mental health issues. According to a previous poster these women are worth far far less than women lucky enough to not suffer with these. Sucks to be them. How worthless.

Me? I wouldn't want to go out with anyone who didn't see this system of valuing human beings as 'worth' more or less than others as anything other than completely gross.

I think the op is getting a hard time. She used an unfortunate term but seriously keep to your standards op.
We live in a world where someone is deemed foul and evil if they so much as think they would rather date a man/woman who does not already have children. Shock horror, I would prefer my adult dd to not find herself with a man who already had kids, she doesn’t and so it’s not too much to ask that a young 20 something male hasnt shagged around fecklessly having kids with random women. Yeah I know it’s not a popular view on mn but it’s an example.
Op I get you. The world is a very different place now. The vast majority of people don’t meet people through going to the pub or nightclub like they did back in the day.
It’s very hard to extend your social group. It’s very hard to rock up alone to a rock climbing club, or a cycling club or whatever.
Far more people work from home, far more people socialise remotely on line, people socialise at home within set groups just like your friends do.
I would give on line dating another bash. Look at it like my friend did, at least you can get out for an hour or so with someone. Keep it very public and pick a nice pub/coffee shop then at least you have had an afternoon out and list nothing.

If you're a teacher have you considered working an evening at an adult education college - especially if your area is a language, but even a science might be good? A bit hit and miss possibly, and the "high value" bit may not be guaranteed, but it's a nice neutral situation to get to know people, and there's always the other staff.

Surely one of those professional-level dating sites would be good?

Who tf is Matthew Hussey?

Go into any bookies anywhere any time of the day.

Clatters of men in there. Also canals, I've done a lot of solo canal walls and cycles. Populated with men.

Not sure you're likely to find a high value man in the local bookies Yearcat13!

Op give OD a go and report back (mainly for my self serving interest ).

I have no idea where men go but I think OLD is great. Yes you have to weed out the crap and it takes ages and you have to give up loads and loads of evenings for nothing but in my experience it was worth it. I did go on probably north of 40 first dates though (I was industrious!!) - but I enjoyed the experience of meeting someone, getting to know them, even though you know very quickly if it's not going to go anywhere. I know OLD gets a bit of a flaming here, and that it really is a numbers game, but it worked for me and has worked for a lot of my friends. Just keep going! Good luck OP!

Morning everyone

Thank you again for your suggestions- I'll definitely look into them. I'm glad that I have asked the question as I would not have known of some groups, volunteering or otherwise that I could join- I feel inspired :)

Just waiting for lockdown to ease where I am, and for some sort of normality to resume now. I'll keep at the dating apps for the moment and see what happens.

@coronaway- have you seen the thread "what puts you off a dating profile?"

Check it out if you haven't- I'm on there, and honestly there are sooo many funny stories shared by so many.

Have a lovely day all x

@onedaysoonish

Lovely to hear it worked for you :)
Which site/app did you meet your OH? and was rated best by your friends?

Hi @LilMissRe
OLD has moved on a bit but I met my husband on Lovestruck. Just checked and it is still going! One of my friends met her husband on my single friend. Match worked for two other friends (both married for a few years now). My single friend and Lovestruck were supposed to be about long term relationships rather than hookups, not sure if they are marketed that way now...

Oops the Lovestruck website doesn't work. Sorry I think that one has gone. My advice is useless! But good luck anyway x

Thanks @onedaysoonish- I'll look into my single friend
I'm on Bumble and Hinge at the moment- tried OkC, Match for 6 months and e-harmony for 6 months. I'm back on Guardian soulmates now only as they are closing down for good in June- so fingers crossed! x

I met DP on Guardian SM about 10 years ago - sad that they are closing

(Fyi - we met, dated a few times, then mutually ditched each other as we were both too busy playing the field before seeing each other in the site again a few years later and deciding to give it another go. So sometimes it can take a while!)

*10:04Yearcat13

Go into any bookies anywhere any time of the day.*

Also, once lockdown is over, try any wetherspoons. Crawling with men from 8am onwards.

Where do high value men go?

Home to their young attractive wives.

As a man, no idea what value I am.
Bluntly, I just wouldn't approach women and I am late 20s. It's just far too risky, not the rejection, but as a PP said - you are highly likely of coming across as sleazy, or they have a bf etc.
If you could walk around with badges saying 'single' that'd be fab as most men I know are terrible at reading the so subtle flirty clues that we just think you are being nice!!

Not a fan of OLD. Feels a bit narcissistic.

Where do you plan to meet women @Vretz if you were single?

Networking events. Regular routine places, meaning if I see you every day at a train station and you strike up a conversation a few times with me, I'll initiate it the next time and see what happens.

I only got out of a relationship with my XP after 12 years recently, so part of me is still working out what I'd want. I'd probably go looking where I think I'd encounter someone like that.