Places that men go- Matthew Hussey dating advice?

[LilMissRe]

Hi everyone

I'm reading through Matthew Hussey's book and I'm struggling with something I've read.

He's advised women to frequent places that men go but only gave a small selection of places as examples: the gym, martial arts and wine/whiskey tasting?

He then said if you don't like any of those, make a ritual of going out with friends once or twice a week to places where men go.

This is all pre- corona

Now, I'm struggling here. At 36, my friends, same age, are no longer interested in going out to places where you need to make an effort and dress up- they've all recently settled down, won't leave their partners for a second, and many have small children. So they either do not see the point as they have hung up the gloves for staying up past 9, are too tired or financially insecure to commit to anything with me, like courses or trying new places to eat that they would rather just invite me to third wheel their family dinners.

Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with their families, but it defeats the object of meeting new people.

The other struggle I have is actually finding places where men go. Not just any man obviously- I'd like to go to places where I don't feel out place and vulnerable and where I think a high value man would frequent.

I again, before corona, would often sit in a coffee shop alone either reading, or working on my laptop. I do go to museums and galleries because I enjoy them and I do go for walks around city parks.Other than that, I love the theatre and cinema. I don't like to go to bars and clubs, as I do not drink nor do I like gyms as my workout is usually pilates, swimming or yoga.

My question is, can anyone suggest other places for me to go to, as he puts it "put myself out there".

Where do high value men go?

I honestly sometimes think that they're probably at home, working on their business or hobby or passion, maybe cooking, maybe tucking into a book, podcast or documentary or spending time with their own close family and friends.

So how do our paths cross then? Must it really only be online dating?

I'd love any suggestions!

I did try Matthew Hussey's advice when I was dating - talking to men in bars was quite effective!

I am also a member of a cycling club and have been asked out a few times there too (by mamils though). I think the younger women had a good social life there although not sure how many romances there were.

Oh I don't know, I think most 30 somethings (I'm older than you) meed through dating apps these days dont they, whatever Matthew Hussey might say. or work? What's your office like? I mostly work wtih women or gay men now, but in my previous life there were quite a few office romances.

For a start I wouldn't take Mathew Hussey's advice. He's got no business advising women and has not been able to hold down a relationship himself. Most men are doing their approaching online tbh but going out to places men frequent is worth a shot, speed dating and singles nights are also worth a punt. I know somebody who is married to a wealthy business man she met at speed dating.

Out of interest (and sorry to hijack your thread op) for those who have tried online dating - were there many men on there you actually fancied? I think I swipe right once in a blue moon!

Maybe I'm just really shallow but without some attraction I struggle to gain enough enthusiasm to properly engage let alone meet up.

This lady, India Kang, is far more knowledgeable and is London based. Although I think she may have retired now but you can still get her books www.amazon.co.uk/How-Date-Single-Dating-Manual/dp/1911175114

@coronaway swipe on anyone who looks 'passable' and don't have anything offensive in their profile. Most men are terrible at taking photos of themselves. Have zero idea what is appealing and often make themselves look silly. It's just a numbers game. I found that 90% looked far better in real life. I dated a ton and I think I only had about three bad dates.

What’s high value? Is your idea of what you want making you narrow your pool on some specific/maybe superficial traits?

Anyway, it’s tough when you’re a teacher as work isn’t the go to place to meet people.

@coronaway

Its a learning curve and we all meet “duds” but my strategy to basically recreate attraction IRL?

So if someone was “ok” looking in photos then set up the meet and go from there?

If you can make it quick and low pressure (no big nights out or travel, just a quick coffee or drink) you’ve invested less

I’m not really sure how you can be ABSOLUTELY certain someone is or isn’t attractive from photos?

Photos can be so deceptive - I’m sure I’m not the only one who goes through Instagram/Facebook with people I know IRL and think

I actually think those who end up most disappointed with the online dating experience (Male and female ) are those where there is a big discrepancy.

I find my “conversion rate” for dates tends to be fine because I take care of my appearance and look as good as my photos.

I only started on tinder last year and I came off soon.

But my tactic was to swipe on those I thought were “alright” (based on what I broadly fancy IRL) and then go from there?

I also started the phone step as obviously if someone is nervous/poor social skills/weird voice that’s a big turn off. If you can hold a good decent conversation on the phone that’s the first step to chemistry.

@coronaway I found that I didn't swipe on very many people, and often regretted having done so. 😆I also found that I didn't get many matches, so the men of this area clearly weren't swiping on me either.

I did meet DH though. I actually considered not swiping on him at all because he appeared to be very good looking (he is) and I just thought 'well he's not going to swipe on me, is he? There's no point.' I decided there was no harm in trying it anyway, and we actually matched.

I think, though, I'd have struggled just as much to find people I'd even consider being interested in (and who were interested in me) in person as online. It's just not that easy to find someone you like.

The difference with OLD was that I could meet people that I would literally never have come across in my life. Given that I wasn't interested in dating a colleague or a dad from my son's school/sports club, this was really useful.

What skinny said as well. Swiping or liking isn’t a marriage commitment. I think I had a few hundred matches, got messaged by about 10-20, met three? And everyone’s doing it so it’s not like you’re being a female player or desperate

Post CV - horse race meetings (very sociable), golf clubs (19th hole), golf tournaments and other sports events. Hospitality before football matches - packed out with men.

Thanks. You have all basically said what I thought you would. I have swiped on people I thought were ok/passable but am always disappointed when we meet despite them often being lovely. I know straight away if I fancy someone or not so often feel like I'm just wasting both our time and wish I could just do a 180 and leave there and then. Goodness I do sound shallow don't I 😱

For those I do swipe right on I nearly always match but they always just want sex - a common complaint I hear on here.

coronaway I don’t think it’s being shallow - it’s just your preference/social values?

But equally if it’s genuinely very stressful for you to have a quick coffee or drink with a male stranger you’re not physically attracted to maybe online dating isn’t the best way for you to meet people, as you never can 100% tell in advance ?

I’m back on tinder when my next set of exams finishes, and I’m kind of approaching it more as a “meeting new people and going out” kind of project than a dating one.

LilMissRe, I'm single but older than you and am reading your thread with interest as I've sworn off OLD but that's just my opinion. I may be missing the point completely but you sound like the sort of person I'd enjoy chatting with as friends because we seem to like so many of the same things!

People keep mentioning work as a way to date, but surely with all the concerns about sexual harassment etc. now this is off limits?

I again, before corona, would often sit in a coffee shop alone either reading, or working on my laptop.

Which most men take as a signal you don't want to be approached. But most men are very reluctant to approach strange woman anyhow. You have to help break the ice by smiling and initiating a conversation.

And what does "high value man" mean? Maybe you are being a bit judgmental.

guys who are comfortable physically approaching/chatting to and approaching women in public are often the ones you don’t want to date?

They’re kind of desperate and although “one woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure” there’s often something wrong with them.

I had quite an “open minded” approach to people (not just in a dating context) in my 20’s. So I’d be quite open to cafe/street conversations.

Looking back, the kind of 30 or 40 something guy who went round coffee shops and museums and was always on meet-up groups chatting to women often was a bit unstable/chaotic/specifically looking to target tourists and “vulnerable” women, even if they came across as ok initially.

@DrewByMann Yes, most men are actually super uncomfortable with approaching strange women. Its extremely nerve wracking for most.

I would not recommend taking up a hobby just to meet someone.

I would. You’re not going to meet a man if your hobbies are embroidery and Pilates (I exaggerate slightly but you know what Imean).

People can spot desperation a mile off.

But trying out a new pastime wouldn’t make the OP look desperate. She should give it a go if there’s a chance she’ll meet some nice men. She may not be mad on exercise but round here the Tri clubs and cycling clubs are stuffed with eligible men, a high proportion of whom are in high status jobs. The OP shouldn’t worry about being perceived as desperate. She isn’t.

If you take up a hobby, make sure it is one you are doing for your own benefit.

See above re embroidery.

If you widen your social network, you increase your chances.

Now this, I do agree with! If you make new female friends you meet new people in their networks too. That’s how I met my husband when I was the OP’s age: through a new female friend I’d met by starting an evening class.

If you want to know where the men are:

• Cricket matches, especially those held on summer evenings. You’ll be beating them off with a stick.

• Rugby matches, if rugby boys are your thing. One of my friends met her husband like this.

• Golf driving ranges, as a PP mentioned.

• Pub quizzes, but the trendier types in town centres or nice suburbs. I work in a male-dominated area (finance) and go to pub quizzes with mostly male colleagues. The singletons have always got an eye out for the ladies: for them it feels like a safer environment than walking up to somebody in a bar.

Good luck, OP. Take some risks.

actually got contacted on online dating in the past by a man who said he “knew me” from seeing me in coffee shops

I’m pretty glad he didn’t approach me in person, as I 100% wasn’t attracted to him

It was actually quite creepy as well - like then I was really self conscious about going back

Even worse I used to have an office in s communal building and someone in the building saw my profile on match, sent a message, (which I ignored as I wasn’t attracted to him from his photos ) then knocked on my door and I was young and ended up taking his phone number and never calling just to get rid of him

Tinder seems a lot more merciful 😂 At lease there’s some preliminary confirmation there’s potentially a little bit of mutual attraction

At 36, my friends, same age, are no longer interested in going out to places where you need to make an effort and dress up- they've all recently settled down, won't leave their partners for a second, and many have small children. So they either do not see the point as they have hung up the gloves for staying up past 9, are too tired or financially insecure to commit to anything with me, like courses or trying new places to eat that they would rather just invite me to third wheel their family dinners.

I completely get this, OP. This is a sign from God that you need to make new female friends post lockdown.

What the fuck is a "high value man"?

I'd throw out anyone's advice that talks like that.

Have you looked at meetup.com
organised guided walks or rambles
evening classes

What the fuck is a "high value man"?

One who’s got a few bob! Not that that is the most important thing, but all other things being equal, what would most women prefer?

I don't know why everyone is slating the op for saying 'high value'. High value just means that he's an attractive prospect. This adds up in many different ways. Level of education, job, moral values, personality, looks... She's right to set her sights high within reason. No point stressing herself out with dating only to end up with some ass hat, cock lodger anybody could have pulled.

Really? What an unpleasant mealy-mouthed euphemism.

I wouldn't call a rich bloke "high value" I'd just call him buggering rich.

No point stressing herself out with dating only to end up with some ass hat, cock lodger anybody could have pulled

Too right. Why shouldn’t she want a better class of man?