Places that men go- Matthew Hussey dating advice?

[LilMissRe]

Hi everyone

I'm reading through Matthew Hussey's book and I'm struggling with something I've read.

He's advised women to frequent places that men go but only gave a small selection of places as examples: the gym, martial arts and wine/whiskey tasting?

He then said if you don't like any of those, make a ritual of going out with friends once or twice a week to places where men go.

This is all pre- corona

Now, I'm struggling here. At 36, my friends, same age, are no longer interested in going out to places where you need to make an effort and dress up- they've all recently settled down, won't leave their partners for a second, and many have small children. So they either do not see the point as they have hung up the gloves for staying up past 9, are too tired or financially insecure to commit to anything with me, like courses or trying new places to eat that they would rather just invite me to third wheel their family dinners.

Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with their families, but it defeats the object of meeting new people.

The other struggle I have is actually finding places where men go. Not just any man obviously- I'd like to go to places where I don't feel out place and vulnerable and where I think a high value man would frequent.

I again, before corona, would often sit in a coffee shop alone either reading, or working on my laptop. I do go to museums and galleries because I enjoy them and I do go for walks around city parks.Other than that, I love the theatre and cinema. I don't like to go to bars and clubs, as I do not drink nor do I like gyms as my workout is usually pilates, swimming or yoga.

My question is, can anyone suggest other places for me to go to, as he puts it "put myself out there".

Where do high value men go?

I honestly sometimes think that they're probably at home, working on their business or hobby or passion, maybe cooking, maybe tucking into a book, podcast or documentary or spending time with their own close family and friends.

So how do our paths cross then? Must it really only be online dating?

I'd love any suggestions!

The Op has a graduate level job, a corresponding stable income, lifestyle and values and wants someone at the same professional and intellectual level.

Equally a lot of men prefer to seriously date women in the same “serious career” bracket

To me a high value man is someone who lives with integrity, is respectful, reliable, consistent, self assured, independent, emotionally intelligent and emotionally stable.

High income isn’t on my list, because I’ve learned the hard way, that it doesn’t matter. Financial security or solvency however, is important to me as I’ve had to work hard to secure myself.

I believe there are lots of good men, high value as the dating gurus say, out there and I know that because I’ve seen those traits in my brothers and father and grandfathers.

I also have worked so hard on my past trauma and divorce to develop and live with those qualities so If I’m here and I exist, surely others are out there too.

I wouldn't talk about people in those terms - it's reductive and dehumanising. You presumably wouldn't like to be categorised in that way, or certainly if you do, you're assuming you get "high value" status. It grosses me out, frankly.

I didn’t intend for it to come across like that. I was merely describing qualities that I think I’d like in a future partner. I didn’t come up with the label, that was a term used in the book that I’m reading. That’s all.

@coronaway
I did online dating for 2 years. Hundreds of guys on there that I wasn’t interested in. I think I actually chatted to about 15/20 guys in total, went on a date with 4 and had a relationship with 2. Out of those, I only really fancied the 2 guys I actually had a relationship with. The others I wanted to give a chance to even though I didn’t initially fancy them, as I think attraction can grow from getting on with someone and enjoying their company, as well as being an instant physical attraction.

After those ended, I had a lovely message from a guy. He had no pictures on his profile but told me it was because he was a high school teacher and didn’t want to be found by a student or anything. Being a teacher myself I understood.

We got chatting for two months and eventually agreed to meet. Part of me was terrified I was going to be catfished and part of me was excited as it was literally a blind date. When he turned up for the date my first thought was thank god, as I really fancied him! I was quite pleased I’d not let his lack of photo put me off chatting to him.

I’ve been with him for nearly 6 years now and married for 2 and half. Hope that gives a bit of hope to anyone that’s starting to feel jaded by the whole thing 😊.

Cricket matches, especially those held on summer evenings. You’ll be beating them off with a stick.

Not a bat?

Sorry, I just couldn't help it.

"lives with integrity, is respectful, reliable, consistent, self assured, independent, emotionally intelligent and emotionally stable"

This list is unreasonable if you're expecting a man who meets all these (somewhat arbitrary) requirements all at once, all the time. Can you yourself say you are all these things?

Not a bat?

Sorry, I just couldn't help it

Good one!

I wouldn't talk about people in those terms

I would.

it's reductive and dehumanising.

No, it is honest. Most people, when encountering someone new, weigh them up against a list of their own standards and place the other person somewhere in their own ranking system.

You presumably wouldn't like to be categorised in that way

It never troubled me. I knew I was a good bet as a wife or girlfriend, and I certainly knew my own value relative to men I met.

Join some social clubs

I’ve been reading this thread with interest.

I’ve tried old but I find it so depressing. I tend to get a lot of likes, but either I don’t like back, or the conversations seem to fizzle out before getting as far as a date.

So I was just thinking earlier where I’d go to meet the sort of man I’m attracted to. Unfortunately I didn’t come up with any answers!

I also wrote a list of what values/characteristics I wanted in a man. It was long and detailed, and in my view it was beneficial as it helped me stop making excuses/giving someone a chance/just seeing how it goes. It helped me take myself/needs/wants seriously I think. So I would encourage that way of thinking.

You can’t give every random person in the world a chance.

Also, in your 30’s you’re more sure of where you are in terms of stability, career, who you are and what you want.

It’s not a case of being judgemental or social climbing but of realising that your choice of eventual partner is going to have a huge impact on your emotional well-being and quality of life.

Dating leagues do exist - I’m happy with myself and also I’m happy for someone I’m dating to (privately) think I’m not pretty or well-off or well-educated enough and they can do better?

As long as they aren’t saying it aloud, its not personal or hurtful.

the guys who moan about women wanting different guys - they’re generally just as shallow as the women they claim are shallow -

you get guys who look like Moby/Toby Young (without the career or money) moaning that they can’t get a clever/size eight/childfree/pretty date? 🤷‍♀️

I struggle meeting people when out as I'm middle aged.
my own aged friends are cosied up at home and I have extended my circle to include much younger people in order to have friends to go out with.
This tends to mean that if out in a group I'll get nil interest from any of the guys attracted to our group as I'm by far the oldest and very obviously so.
It's a weird situation trying to meet people at this age and I feel wary of old, I met my ex through there and also having worked in the leg system I am very wary of men on these sites and I don't think I can face all the wading again.
The sad thing is, as a youngster I never had to worry about meeting someone as our whole social life was geared towards that.
Also, not a stealth boast but I was very very attractive. I never had to try to attract anyone. I also had very low self esteem and always turned down the nice guys in favour of the dangerous ones.
I never realised how attractive I was, despite people telling me. I honestly never believed them but now I look back at old photos and feel sad I sold myself so short.
So now I'm at the age where life and health gave caught up.
I look middle aged, I've put on weight.
Nobody is turning around to check me out any more and the only men who bother me on nights out are the real mad men, if I ever meet a guy my age they're always married on in long term relationships.
I struggle with joining groups or clubs due to my ex husbands job and have no other f & f to offer help with babysitting.
Sorry totsl hijack was trying to empathise
I don't know else to do it.

To me a high value man is someone who lives with integrity, is respectful, reliable, consistent, self assured, independent, emotionally intelligent and emotionally stable.

I think this is a great list actually. A good starting point of the fundamentals of a decent human being.
If you find one and have any spare please send them my way

@famousforwrongreason somehow you'll have to extend your social circle to include older single men. Easier said than done I guess unfortunately, or you would've done so by now.

"I also had very low self esteem and always turned down the nice guys in favour of the dangerous ones."
I don't quite understand this reasoning though. Isn't it simply the case the "bad boys" are going to seem more more exciting and attractive than the "nice guys" when you're young and inexperienced, regardless of your self esteem level?

@famousforwrongreason

Maybe you could think about taking the “radical honesty” approach on online dating?

Explain the situation - Just say you’re struggling with babysitting etc so can’t do full on long dates or a relationship but you would like to have some 1-1 Male attention and company occasionally for a walk/coffee/drink?

(Don’t accept or engage in a sexual fling/someone just coming round for sex thing unless that’s actually what you want).

There must be plenty of men in similar situations to you with lack of time and social opportunities who desire companionship?

I wouldn’t lie about my age or try to market myself as something I’m not.

If there are 'high value' women, then there are 'low value' women. Is that like an 'unskilled' worker.

Really. Fuck you. All human beings have worth.

OMG of course there are low value women. Low value women are pick me chicks, happy to throw themselves under a bus for any man that shows a bone of interest. Of course these women have value but not as much as a woman who takes good care of herself and holds herself in high esteem. This is not a class issue

High value men

I’d ditch the ‘high value’ thing. I’d run a mile from a potential partner who used a term like that. As for the PP who believes there are ‘low value’ human beings......fuck me that’s cold. I wonder how many people think of YOU that way? Someone surely will.

I think a first step when you have a list of qualities you’d like in a man is an open and honest review of whether you offer all of those qualities too.

Like the OP is going to tell men she meets that she’s checking them out to see whether they are ‘high value’! It’s a figure of speech but it summarises something very real. Should she go out with a 19 year old crack addict living in a squat to prove that she is a good person who sees the value in everyone?

I'm not understanding all the hate over the term high value It just means someone who is nice, caring, considerate, ambitious, passionate etc - the characteristics we regard highly in others. It applies both to women and men.

It's a very loaded term. You could easily use "compatible values" or something without ranking people and creating a hierarchy.

I actually think the OPs definition of a "high value" man is perfectly sensible. It's just really unfortunate terminology (which came from some sort of dating manual from the sounds of it) and I agree she should stop using it..