Why has my friend accepted her ex’s friend request?

[BarbuFR]

She was ditched by him like an old towel with no explanation whatsoever, and he’s waltzed back into her life saying sorry and telling her he still loves her.

She’s accepted his friend request and I just don’t know what to do about it

I know she knows what he’s capable of doing again, so why take the risk?

Of course you can be concerned. Anyone who gets back with an ex who treated them badly, broke up with them in a shit way etc needs to do some work on themselves...however they were only 20! Both of them have likely learnt a lot.

I agree with PP. Stick to being a good friend whatever she decides.

@Friendsofmine I do with her all the luck and I hope he’s grown up and grown a pair and won’t pull it off again for my friend’s sake.

I hope he’s grown up and grown a pair and won’t pull it off again

I clearly haven't grown up because I sniggered at this. Rather more than I'd like to admit..

He did it once, based on what you've said. When he was 20. You really need to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Are you this unforgiving about everything? Nobody allowed to make a mistake without it hanging over their head forevermore?

Sure people can make mistakes and possibly not commit them again. I will have to see if he doesn’t do it again.

To be fair... I do think he’s genuinely sorry. I just didn’t like how he said sorry, explained why he did it, only to say he still has feelings for her. It didn’t sit well with me, but maybe I overreacted.

I mean this relationship stands out more than most of the others. So it obviously left her a mark, I think. She always wears her heart on her sleeve.

I think our hairy handed friend is back....

I do think you’re more involved in this than you should be. It’s totally understandable that you’re worried about your friend, that he’ll hurt her again, that’s only natural in a good friendship.

What makes less sense is that fact that you are SO concerned, to the point of trying to talk her out of a decision she may want or even need to take.

It doesn’t seem that you are fed up with supporting her because she repeats the same pattern over and over again (which would be understandable btw) More that you fear the loss of her to him. In a way that you don’t fear with her other BFs because you know she’s still emotionally involved with this guy and they are no threat to your friendship.

You don’t have to answer, but did this guy have a problem with your closeness to your friend?

I don’t think he had a problem with me or my closeness.

Is it just me or is this thread creepy?

Ok, I asked because you seem as much threatened as concerned, so I wondered if there was a history of him trying to distance her from you and/or her support network in general.

It seems not. It IS her decision to make. She might need finality one way or another, but it’s up to her how she deals with this.

You can’t direct how she reacts to him contacting her. I’m sorry, but like pp have said you do come across as overly invested in a grown woman’s choices. They may not be what you yourself would do, they may not be what you would do if you were her, but it’s her life to live as she chooses.

Sometimes people need to make mistakes. Sadly, it’s not your call.

I see you've ignored the posters who asked you if you are male.
Is this because you are and you're worried that if you confirm it, everyone will believe you have romantic feelings for her no matter what you say?

I will have to see if he doesn’t do it again.

🤣 it's fuck all to do with you!

VettiyaIruken

Ita obvious he's a man. If you read through the posts again with a 'male voice', it's quite obvious. And the posts also sound a lot more sinister than they would if posted by an over invested female friend.

What makes less sense is that fact that you are SO concerned

I don't think its concern. I think its anger and indignation.

And a sense of a loss of control.

She's your friend and you are worried about her getting hurt again, that's understandable.

She is going to do what she wants to do weather you like it or not. There's nothing you can do about it.

"It doesn't sit well with me"

You sound more like a jilted lover than a friend.

Your over investment here is creepy as fuck.

I think it’s her private life and she can do as she chooses. Leave her and let her make her own choices.

You seriously need to take a huge step back and stop getting so invested in this.

I can understand you being concerned about your friend. But you seem absolutely blind to the fact that she is an adult and can make her own decisions - and mistakes - without having to seek your input and permission.

Previous posters have pointed out that you sound quite frustrated and angry with her. The fact you've denied it and said that it's directed at him, is quite telling, as it suggests a lack of emotional awareness over what you've already posted. Look at those and you'll find the common theme there is that your response is really aimed at her - for not being smarter/wiser/more defensive and cynical. The frustration you feel that she's accepted his FR jumps straight off the page. Not the fact he's sent one - the fact that she accepted it.

When you point out that the apology didn't sit well with you, again you're ignoring the fact that the apology wasn't for you - and in fact is none of your business. It's her decision to accept it and to decide whether she feels it's genuine or not.

It sounds like you have had a very close friendship. However there is a danger of buying into the cult of being 'besties' where you cross over a fine line of being supportive and protective, into being controlling and unreasonable. Every adult has the right to make their own decisions - it's not a prerequisite of friendship that you should be completely aligned 100% of the time. If you aren't careful you'll end up with a friend who pulls away from you because those expectations will start to feel suffocating and she'll stop sharing things with you because of not wanting to trigger drama and judgement from you.