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Original poster

Why has my friend accepted her ex’s friend request?

119 replies

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 00:30

She was ditched by him like an old towel with no explanation whatsoever, and he’s waltzed back into her life saying sorry and telling her he still loves her.

She’s accepted his friend request and I just don’t know what to do about it

I know she knows what he’s capable of doing again, so why take the risk?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 11:43

The worst being that they get together and he pulls off the same trick he’s done before and is perfectly capable of doing again.

Again, I’m sorry if I sound agressive... I’m really, really just trying to take care of her because we spent 5 years putting the pieces of her heart back together and I was finally starting to believe she had moved on from him. I was blindsided by his apology because it didn’t sound genuine to me, it just sounded like an excuse to plead with her to take him back.

If she still likes him and wants him back, I agree there’s nowt I can do other than lend her my support (which she will always have no matter what).

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 19/05/2020 11:44

Again OP...

Be worried but take this opportunity where dozens of strangers with no reason to have an opinion either way are ALL telling you no need to realise your reaction to this is disproportionate and much too intense.

Do you accept that?

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 11:45

I’ve avoided thinking about it out of denial of reality tbh... deep down I know she still has feelings because she’s effectively opened the door to reconciliation and I was hoping against hope that maybe she just wants to be friends and that’s it...

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 11:45

Yes I accept it

OP posts:
begoniapot · 19/05/2020 11:49

Hopefully she is older and wiser, and not sucked back into a toxic relationship. Not much you can do but be around if he dumps her again. Going on and on about his negative points may actually have the opposite effect

Friendsofmine · 19/05/2020 11:50

I think you have feelings for this friend. That's not a crime. Being a good friend means giving your opinion when invited, sometimes even when it isn't IMHO but in this case you seem very over involved emotionally.

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 11:55

Again, I have to make it clear that I do not have romantic interest in my best friend.

Of course I’m emotionally involved because of the last 5 years!!

OP posts:
Onemorefuck · 19/05/2020 12:07

If you’ve not spoken to your friend about it, you will have no idea what she feels or what she wants from the ex.
As an adult, that is her decision to make.
She is your friend. Focus on that instead of merely the time you have invested. It makes it sound like you want something out of it or to show for it OP.

You can absolutely be concerned. You can absolutely think the ex is not good enough for her.
But your job is to be there and be a friend and an ear. And yes, pick up the pieces again if need be. Unfortunately, that’s all you can do

Choice4567 · 19/05/2020 12:21

SHE’S AN ADULT. LEAVE HER ALONE. SHE MAKE HER OWN CHOICES.

Thingsdogetbetter · 19/05/2020 12:33

So they were together from 15 to 20? And it's been 5 years since they split up? And it's taken her FIVE years to get over him? FIVE years?

That's the bit I'd be concerned about. The issue there is a perfectly normal end to a relationship happened and she's dramatized it for 5 years. And you bought into the drama. People who get together at 15 don't often stay together that long. Breakups happen and usually contact stops and hearts are broken every day - so I'm not sure what he did that was so awful. Did he just ghost her and vanish? Not nice, but not 5 years worth of dramas. Or actual dump her and not stay in contact?

It seems her inability to deal with a normal shit-happens breakup is the issue, rather than him being a bastard.

controlclick · 19/05/2020 12:42

This thread is nuts.

I'm your friend. My ex has requested me on SM and I accepted. He's given me all the "I love you" patter.

If I told my best friend and she acted the way you are - starting threads, discussing it with your other friends, and making it all about you, your dread, your distress, I'd tell her where to go.

And vice versa, if it was her. I'd tell her to be careful, etc. but then I'd keep my gob shut and let her crack on.

Is your own life a little dull just now?

Jul1911 · 19/05/2020 12:47

Is this for real? It sounds weird and obsessive

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 12:53

Thingsdogetbetter

Or maybe, helping her get over this has been the sole focus/purpose of the friendship and the OP has driven it somewhat?

His position is definitely weird and obsessive.

backseatcookers · 19/05/2020 12:56

It's good you accept your behaviour is disproportionate and inappropriately intense.

Don't you want to explore that yourself and try and work out why? And change it?

Because it's so far removed from normal that if I was a mutual friend and knew you were speaking about your friend in this way with this level of preoccupation then I would genuinely be letting her know about it as it feels concerning.

You'll push friends away and also stop yourself being able to form healthy, separate relationships.

Is it something you're willing to work on properly - eg speak to a counsellor and consider stepping back from this friendship while your feelings are so disproportionate?

controlclick · 19/05/2020 12:59

@Thingsdogetbetter

she's dramatized it for 5 years.

We don't have the friends version here.

Whereas, I think it's fairly safe to say that we can see OP is no stranger to exaggeration.

ErickBroch · 19/05/2020 13:09

Male or female you are clearly in love with your friend - that is what is behind this obsession

Bluebooby · 19/05/2020 13:42

Maybe you just wanted a place to vent your frustrations and that's ok, but you do need to accept that it really isn't your business what your friend does with her life.

There's a tone to your posts that comes across as controlling and you just seem far too preoccupied with your friends life to be healthy. It's like there is a boundary that you are not respecting, even if it's just in thoughts and words on here, and not in your actions and words to her. It doesn't sound like you accept that her life is hers to live. It's suffocating.

walkingchuckydoll · 19/05/2020 14:41

Nothing bad happened, he wasn't abusive in any way, his only "crime" is that he dumped her. That's not something to protect your friend from. It's normal to have relationships and get dumped and feel heartbroken. There is no drama here at all.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 14:43

Funny that; the OP hasn't been back now that he's been rumbled...

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 15:15

Maybe because I have other things to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 15:25

Of course it’s normal to go through break ups and it’s not a crime he dumped her... it’s the manner he did which is unforgivable in my book.

If that had happened to me and she randomly got in touch I would tell her that I’ve moved on or I would just ignore the message completely.

But anyway, whatever.

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 19/05/2020 15:40

But she's not you! She doesn't have to make the decisions you think are best.

A good friend needs to be supportive even if they don't agree.

I think your boundaries with her are a bit concerning. Do you have your own life apart from her?

backseatcookers · 19/05/2020 15:46

I don't think you get quite how disproportionate your intensity about this is OP.

It's good you've got better things to do, crack on with those instead of focusing on something you have no right to be so controlling about.

VettiyaIruken · 19/05/2020 15:49

Sadly, your book is irrelevant. You can't control your friends choices and you shouldn't try.
And although you are adamant you have no feelings for her that may be the reason for your anger, I think you really ought to reflect on that possibility.

wildcherries · 19/05/2020 15:50

It's like there is a boundary that you are not respecting, even if it's just in thoughts and words on here, and not in your actions and words to her. It doesn't sound like you accept that her life is hers to live.

This. Suffocating to even read. Take a step back. I'm sure she'll reach out to you if needed. Then it's up to you whether you want to be there.