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Original poster

Why has my friend accepted her ex’s friend request?

119 replies

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 00:30

She was ditched by him like an old towel with no explanation whatsoever, and he’s waltzed back into her life saying sorry and telling her he still loves her.

She’s accepted his friend request and I just don’t know what to do about it

I know she knows what he’s capable of doing again, so why take the risk?

OP posts:
DesiDiva2020 · 19/05/2020 09:37

Why was the relationship so bad, you said they loved eachother for 5 years? What specifically are you worried about?

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 09:38

I’m worried that he will disappear on her again.

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 19/05/2020 09:44

Is this for your friend?
If so then yes, let her get on with it and just support her

DesiDiva2020 · 19/05/2020 09:44

So they had a good relationship, and his only 'crime' is that he left her? Maybe he was dealing with skin issues, needed to mature. He doesn't seem the absolute bad guy you paint.
I've warned friends off of actually abusive relationships but this one does have serious potential to work and she needs to work this out herself

DesiDiva2020 · 19/05/2020 09:45

Personal issues not skin issues. If you're both 26 they may have been together since they were 20? I know lots of successful couples who met when they were young, and needed a few years apart in early/mid 20s before happily committing and are together now (mid 30s)

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 09:47

She could have just ignored his friend request and left it at that instead of giving him a foot back into her life

Yes, she could. But she didn't.

It's actually incredibly infantalising of you to be so worried about it.

Just let her live her own life.

Have you expressed any of this to her because I'd find it incredibly stifling. And I can't imagine she'd be too impressed of she knew you'd started this thread.

Tbh, even if she were your daughter, you'd be told it's her life and her choice. Nothing to do with you.

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 09:49

He told her it’s because he didn’t think he liked her which is a bs excuse.

Yes they seemed to be getting on well, but I don’t trust him for what he did to her.

She met him when she was 15

OP posts:
SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 09:49

I’m worried that he will disappear on her again

How long are you going to worry about it for?

They might get back together, they might not.

It might last for 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years. He could leave her at any point.

It might never happen.

They might not get together for another 3 years and live happily ever after.

GinWithASplashOfTonic · 19/05/2020 09:50

You do nothing. The only you do is to be there with a soppy rom-com, wine & tissues. If and when it goes to pot

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 09:50

But you dont have to trust him because it's literally nothing to do with you.

saraclara · 19/05/2020 09:52

I don't get it. This wasn't a violent or abusive relationship, so why are you so invested?
Do you want her to yourself?

ilovebluecheese · 19/05/2020 09:53

I had a friend who got involved with a married man and got hurt over and over again. There is only so many times you can advise them - she would take him back, he would spin such pathetic excuses that were no way believeable yet she would think the sun shone !!!

In the end we couldn't be friends anymore and so sadly the friendships ended.

6 years on he is still with his wife and he has no intention of leaving no matter what's he says. We have mutual friends it turns out and all the lies of - my wife doesn't understand me, we don't have sec anymore, it's over blah blah blah

Your friend is an adult
As a friend you can advise
But unfortunately that's it

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 09:56

I mean she was in a relationship not so long ago, and that’s when he decided to get in touch with her to apologise and tell her he still loves her.

Why shouldn’t I be concerned by how things are going? I’ve known her for many, many, years and she can do so much better than him.

I think it’s abusive what he did.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 19/05/2020 10:02

Are you attracted to her yourself? Is there a little jealousy here?
It's just a vibe I am getting from your posts. That it is something more than concern for a pal.

Re her situation, what do you do? Nothing. You could ask her if she's sure this is what she wants to do given the history and say you are concerned but really that's all because it is not your decision. The fact you supported her in the past doesn't give you a say in her future. The only part that is your decision is whether you will be there for her if it all goes tits up again.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 10:05

It wasn't abusive. It wasnt very nice and it was selfish but it wasn't abusive.

Why shouldn’t I be concerned by how things are going? I’ve known her for many, many, years and she can do so much better than him

Because it's none of your business? Because it's her life? Because that's your opinion?

What exactly do you think you can or should do?

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 10:07

She’s just a friend, that’s it. We’ve known each other since nursery. I’m not jealous. Why would I be jealous of this situation. I would have run to the hills if my ex did this to me.

I’ve seen the damage done to her in the past, I know what she’s been through, and that’s why I’m worried about it this time round.

He’s being selfish and not genuine to her.

Do you think it’s fair on her what he’s doing to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 10:09

He’s playing with her, it’s plainly obvious. Nothing suggests he’s being one but genuine to her.

His apology was a scheme to get her back and tell her he “still loves her”.

If he really did love her he would 1) never have done it in the first place 2) left her alone

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 19/05/2020 10:11

Absolutely not. He sounds like a twat.
But it is still entirely her decision and there is nothing you, to quote your op, can do about it.

Isitsixoclockalready · 19/05/2020 10:13

All you can do, as a good friend, is be there for her. You are obviously a good friend to be so concerned but she is an adult so you can only support her if things go wrong.

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 10:14

He is a twat. A selfish twat. They’re likely going to see each other this summer, and then I will probably hear from her that he’s gone off again and it will all start over again. Dreading it.

OP posts:
SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 10:17

Do you think it’s fair on her what he’s doing to her?

What has he done though? Ended a relationship with her after 5 years. You don't know why. And now, sometime later, has sent her a friend request on fb.

That is all Confused

I can see why other people asking if you're jealous. Not of her situation but because she has made a decision, independently of you, that you dont like and you see yourself as a guiding force in her life.

I imagine you have invested a lot of time in supporting her, advising her on what to do, and telling her she could do so much better. It now sounds like you are annoyed with her for not following your advice and for making her own decisions.

I feel your 'concern' is actually disguising your annoyance at her for not adhering to your advice.

bullyingadvice2017 · 19/05/2020 10:23

Honestly been there done it to death op. You can love and worry about your friend. Ultimately she will do what she wants. It's up to you to decide to keep listening to the shit or take a step back and stop letting her involve you in her drama. You will drive yourself mad and it will achieve nothing

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 10:23

I do know why ended it. She showed me his apology. He’s told her why and now she knows. She could have ignored his request, but she didn’t.

Of course I’m annoyed because she’s set herself up for being hurt again and is taking a massive risk.

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 19/05/2020 10:24

Goodness me. You need to take a step back here, you’re very over invested and you’re coming across as a bit jealous too.
He probably is a twat, but she’ll have to work that out for herself, in her own time.
I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship for 2.5 years. I should’ve left him after six months but I stuck at it. My best friend hated him, because she saw what he did to me (he didn’t really try to hide it tbf) but she had the good sense not to try and push me into a decision. All that would have achieved would be for me to have stopped talking to her about it or pushed me closer to him. I realised in my own time.
Give her a bit of respect and treat her like an adult.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 10:26

Of course I’m annoyed because she’s set herself up for being hurt again and is taking a massive risk

Maybe she is. But, as everyone is saying to you, it is her risk to take.

There is literally nothing you can do about it other than decide whether you are going to be ther to pick up the pieces at the end of it.

Nothing.