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Original poster

Why has my friend accepted her ex’s friend request?

119 replies

BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 00:30

She was ditched by him like an old towel with no explanation whatsoever, and he’s waltzed back into her life saying sorry and telling her he still loves her.

She’s accepted his friend request and I just don’t know what to do about it

I know she knows what he’s capable of doing again, so why take the risk?

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 19/05/2020 10:30

You don't seem to be listening, just ranting. Which is your prerogative but makes it a bit pointless to sound it out on here.

Barely anyone has said you are unreasonable to be concerned shes back in touch with him or worried he'll fuck off again.

What is unreasonable and unhealthy is the intensity of your preoccupation with it.

What is unreasonable is thinking you can possibly do anything other than either leave the friendship over this (which would be your fair choice but seem over dramatic) or voice your concern about this and make it clear you'll always love and care for her but may feel unable to provide as much support as before if it goes wrong again, as you feel almost burnt out with it.

People are saying to stop being so preoccupied with it and to stop thinking there's anything you can do and you're being a bit petulant coming back with "what so I just shouldn't care she's going to get fucked over again then" type posts.

So what are you going to do?

Iwalkinmyclothing · 19/05/2020 10:35

You really need to take a step back here, OP, it is not reasonable to be this invested in someone else's relationships.

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 10:39

Looks like there’s nothing I can do if she’s already made her mind up...

It’s distressing because I know what will happen, and it’s going to be the same as last time.

Things will go well for the first few months, then he will disappear again and the cycle will repeat.

I honestly did think she had finally found someone when she was with her boyfriend a few months ago.

OP posts:
ChangeThePassword · 19/05/2020 10:40

Op, why on earth do you think your feelings about him are more important than her feelings about him?

Because that's what is coming across loud and clear here.

Do you or would you let her dictate decisions you make about your life? Because that seems to be what your want to do here. It's wierd. And hugely inappropriate.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 10:45

Looks like there’s nothing I can do if she’s already made her mind up...

Quite.

And, to be honest, your assumption that you could is actually quite controlling.

There's a bit of a subtext here of she is weak willed and easily influenced and needs someone to tell her what to do and that person is me

Can you see the problem with this?

Your hugely disproportionate response to this suggests that it's not just omantic relationships she needs to be careful in.

You are running very close to being a bit controlling in this yourself.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 10:47

You're essentially suggesting that your friend cannot be trusted to make decisions about her own life and that your opinion on the latter should take precedence.

Is that really what you are suggesting?

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 10:47

*matter

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 10:48

If I was going back to an ex who did something like her’s... I would be glad to have a friend remind me.

It would help me reflect on whether to take her back or not and possibly even make me realise that she’s bad for me.

I would welcome it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 10:49

She’s been hurt before by him, I don’t want to be hurt again.

Why is it so hard to understand that that’s why I’m concerned about her?

OP posts:
ChangeThePassword · 19/05/2020 10:49

That's a huge difference between taking your friend what you think, and the level of overinvestment we are seeing here.

How many times has he done this, in the five years they've known each other?

ChippyPickledEggs · 19/05/2020 10:56

This thread is weird. I understand your concern to an extent OP, but it's not up to you. Also you don't know what's going to happen. Perhaps he has had an epiphany and is committed to making a real go of things. In any case, she gets to do her own risk assessments and make her own decisions.

There is a hostile tone to your posts. You say you are concerned but you don't sound it. You sound angry and resentful.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 10:56

Why is it so hard to understand that that’s why I’m concerned about her?

Because it's coming across as control rather than concern.

You don't need to answer this but I think it might offer a different level of understanding...

Are you male or female?

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 10:58

I would welcome it.

This suggests that she didnt welcome it.

How did she respond when you voiced your concerns?

ChippyPickledEggs · 19/05/2020 11:03

The op says something about a friend bringing up the same issue with them as helping them to decide whether to take 'her' back or not.

So I'm guessing male or same sex attracted female.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 11:11

Well that's what made me ask.

Over invested female friend or a man who is angry that a woman isn't doing what he tells her to.

Because the level of hostility and failure to engage with other posters is beginning to suggest the latter.

backseatcookers · 19/05/2020 11:15

If I was going back to an ex who did something like her’s... I would be glad to have a friend remind me.

It would help me reflect on whether to take her back or not and possibly even make me realise that she’s bad for me.

She may well welcome your thoughts on this.

She is then perfectly at liberty to disagree with them and act, as she should, on her own wishes.

So voice your concerns. It's all you can do. Ans in the situation you've outlined above, putting yourself in her shoes, she will done what you have claimed you wanted if she listens to you.

That does not mean she does what you suggest. It literally just means she listens - she hears you talking and then decides what she wants to do.

You sound very intense and controlling.

saraclara · 19/05/2020 11:15

You sound really controlling. You're not listening to anyone here, or even responding to other posters.
You seem to purely be angry that she's not doing what you think she should do. The tone of your posts isn't at all caring or kind. Just angry.

backseatcookers · 19/05/2020 11:17

I also think OP is male and unfortunately buying into the myth that being a caring male friend of a female means telling them what's best for them because they aren't capable of knowing for themselves. I have male friends. They aren't like that. Because they are kind and empathetic.

Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 11:23

I have not “failed to engage” with responders here!!

I’m sorry if my tone sounds aggressive.

I’m just really, really concerned about my best friend. There aren’t any ulterior motives as others have suggested.

I know I can’t convince her - and I’m definitely not trying to - I’ve been pretty much preparing for the worst since the day he reached out to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbuFR · 19/05/2020 11:26

I’m angry with HIM.

I’ve tried avoiding to think about this, but I think she may still have lingering feelings for him.

OP posts:
ChangeThePassword · 19/05/2020 11:31

So what if she does have feelings for him?

From what you've said, he left her once. In five years. Which you seem to think is some kind of pattern.

Are you still angry at him because he left her? Jesus, that's some insane level of overprotection, when it sounds like she's over it.

I think she needs to be distancing herself from you, to be quite honest.

backseatcookers · 19/05/2020 11:31

I’ve tried avoiding to think about this, but I think she may still have lingering feelings for him.

This is staggeringly obvious yes.

I’ve been pretty much preparing for the worst since the day he reached out to her.

"The worst" would be a friend getting back with an abusive ex who beat them and belittled them.

He broke up with her / ghosted her. It's shit yes but your level of concern about this is off the charts disproportionate!

Nobody is saying not to be worried about it. Be worried but take this opportunity where dozens of strangers with no reason to have an opinion either way are ALL telling you no need to realise your reaction to this is disproportionate and much too intense.

Do you accept that?

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 11:35

So what?

This is beginning to sound ridiculous now.

I’ve been pretty much preparing for the worst since the day he reached out to her.

That's your choice. It's none of your business.

I’ve tried avoiding to think about this, but I think she may still have lingering feelings for him

So. Fucking. What? It is none of your business. If you can't respect her enough to let her live her own life, then just leave her alone because the way you are talking on here far supersedes any red flags in the initial post!

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 11:36

*I think she needs to be distancing herself from you, to be quite honest.i

I'm inclined to agree.

SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 19/05/2020 11:43

I’ve tried avoiding to think about this, but I think she may still have lingering feelings for him.

Sorry I've come back to this because it's just fucking weird.

Why have you tried to avoid thinking about it? Confused

This is just weird.

I think you need to back off and leave her on her own to I've her own life tbh.