Feeling paralysed

[wheresmolly]

I feel totally stuck and don't know where to turn.

Been with DP for about 16 months, living together half that time. I relocated to be here with him and all was good at the beginning. But about 3 months ago I realised the spark had died and it just wasn't panning out as I'd hoped, I'd say not for lack of trying on either side, I think we're just very different people. I also am finding it hard not having my own space, as I was used to.

There is nothing really wrong with DP but I find myself irrationally irritated by everything he does - even breathing 😒 plus his vaping and weird grunting noises that I can hear all round the house. I just can't picture us being together until we're old and grey, or until next year even. I am pretty sure he feels more positively about things which makes this even harder for me.

I find myself making excuses to go and sit upstairs on my own, just to escape, eg working, resting cos I'm tired... though currently I am needing to rest as my fibromyalgia which is normally very mild is out of control and I'm in agony all over - he keeps saying it's from working too much but I know it's the stress of thinking about everything.

I think back to when we first got together and it was all good, and we got along great but I didn't feel the same spark I've felt with other partners. I think I saw him as a "safe" option. If I give the back story to this it might explain a few things: a few years ago my abusive ex DP took his own life - this was preceded by months of abuse and me having to make him move out, whereupon he started harassing me. It was the most harrowing time of my life and I had many dark moments, it was incredibly lonely and I still feel awful guilt (though rationally I know I shouldn't). I think I was still quite vulnerable when I met current DP so someone with his head screwed on, no apparent issues, a good job and house were a welcome breath of fresh air. Now I'm sat here wishing I hadn't rushed into anything.

But also I am thinking I am 40 years old, and would like to think I'd have kids but have to be realistic. If I stayed with DP I could do this but if I left I might not get the chance again.

I find myself obsessively looking at rental listings for houses in the town where my family lives and daydreaming about the new simple life I'd build for myself there, nearer to friends and family too. I don't want to break DP's heart I don't know what the right thing to do is. Do I find somewhere to live first before telling him?! It's not like we have a spare bedroom I can stay in for the interim even and I can't stay with family as they are all shielding for various reasons. I feel so sad and stuck.

Seriously op, don't tell him until either you are out...or the day of, as you are packed and leaving.

If him noticing you moving stuff before hand will be an issue, maybe leave it. Just take your essentials on the day. Maybe let him gave the telly. Getting away without any drama might be worth it.

Ah damn. He must know you intend to leave no surely?

I'm sorry but the grunting alone would be the end for me, I absolutely would murder him as he slept.
In a good relationship you should be fantasising about him not your life without him. That says it all.
Leave, you only have one life.

Ok so I think we've reached an understanding. He's quite upset and angry and started reminiscing about early dates we went on etc. I felt very guilty as I hate hurting people, it's the worst feeling ever. He's gone to stay with his parents for the weekend. I just need time to breathe and think straight for once.

That's the first sensible thing he's done. He had options, you were trapped.

Yes he knew I couldn't go to my family. It will be good for him to have a break too and talk things through with people who care about him.

Op, are you taking the dogs as well? I'd at least leave him the tv as a farewell gift.

After all by the sound of it you just used him (not consciously) to get some stability in your life, then realised he's not your person... he's turned needy as a result, but he's not really to blame.
You are doing the right thing by leaving but buy yourself another tv ...
And jumping from one relationship into another is the worst thing to do (been there, done that) you need time to take stock and understand what it is you want in life...good luck!

The dogs are solely mine and have been for 10 years so are definitely coming with me.

He had also had a turbulent time (divorce) so I think we probably brought some stability to each other's lives.

In terms of what I'm taking with me, I'll take anything of mine that has value or is sentimental. I sold all my furniture when I moved here so will be starting from scratch with minimal savings. He owns his own house, won't need to replace much at all, has tons of savings and earns three times what I do. So I will take what I need to help me get started. His brother is borrowing his tv as an extra one (he has another) so I'm sure he could have it back if he needed it.

He hasn't done anything wrong so I really think you owe it to him to sit down and tell him you are leaving. Else you will have guilt afterwards and he will never look back with find memories. Your not a kid, your an adult. Leaving without telling him is the easy way out for you, but in no way the right thing to do.

He knows, we have spoken tonight, and he's gone away for a couple of days so we can both have some space.

I was never planning to not tell him, just wanted to have a plan in place first as due to the lockdown I have nowhere I could go if I needed to.

You’ve done great wheresmolly - climbed a mountain. A bit of transition time emotionally and I am sure by this time next week you won’t look back. I hope you can sleep tonight - it must be a relief?

Have you spoken with anyone in RL?

Thanks @Gutterton hopefully I will get a bit of sleep and wake up fresher tomorrow so I can do some practical tasks.

Well done Molly. That must be a weight off your mind. Nearly there now.

You are doing great. Take whatever is yours no need to try and mollify him with gifts as someone has suggested. You have acted honourably - you needed to be sure you could get away before broaching the subject. Hope you feel good today and are able to pack and look forward to having your own space xx

Sorry, jumped to conclusions here, you mentioned he'd be gutted you'd take the telly and I assumed he didn't have much to his name! Also wondered if dogs were his or you got them together because it's so difficult to find a rental with dogs... obviously if they are yours they are coming with you :)
In your financial situation of course no need to sweeten the pill for him.
Facebook marketplace is great for a big selection of good second hand furniture, but you probably know it. Hope your move goes well.

So I managed to move almost everything. He's now returned and is crying upstairs about how bare everything looks and how much he'll miss me. I feel so bad.

Watching cuddling the dogs broke my heart, I actually feel so guilty. No idea how I will sleep tonight, I can hear him sobbing his heart out upstairs

Watching him cuddling the dogs, that is.

Maybe you won’t sleep tonight. It’s a hard few days and weeks to endure. But you are being honest and true to yourself and him. You both deserve an authentic relationship.
Be satisfied that you are doing the right thing.

He is wanting to stay in touch "to keep an eye" on me, and maybe be friends one day, or even "go on a date". I feel so sad for him as he's desperately clutching at straws and really doesn't want this to be over. I hope he will be ok, I will miss him, but being on my own is the right thing for me right now.

What do you want?

I don't know, I don't have any reason to just cut him off - he's not done anything terrible to warrant that really. But being friends right away seems like it's giving him false hope. I think I will tell him a bit of time and space is needed for now. I'm too tired to know what's the best thing to do, just can't think straight.