Feeling paralysed

[wheresmolly]

I feel totally stuck and don't know where to turn.

Been with DP for about 16 months, living together half that time. I relocated to be here with him and all was good at the beginning. But about 3 months ago I realised the spark had died and it just wasn't panning out as I'd hoped, I'd say not for lack of trying on either side, I think we're just very different people. I also am finding it hard not having my own space, as I was used to.

There is nothing really wrong with DP but I find myself irrationally irritated by everything he does - even breathing 😒 plus his vaping and weird grunting noises that I can hear all round the house. I just can't picture us being together until we're old and grey, or until next year even. I am pretty sure he feels more positively about things which makes this even harder for me.

I find myself making excuses to go and sit upstairs on my own, just to escape, eg working, resting cos I'm tired... though currently I am needing to rest as my fibromyalgia which is normally very mild is out of control and I'm in agony all over - he keeps saying it's from working too much but I know it's the stress of thinking about everything.

I think back to when we first got together and it was all good, and we got along great but I didn't feel the same spark I've felt with other partners. I think I saw him as a "safe" option. If I give the back story to this it might explain a few things: a few years ago my abusive ex DP took his own life - this was preceded by months of abuse and me having to make him move out, whereupon he started harassing me. It was the most harrowing time of my life and I had many dark moments, it was incredibly lonely and I still feel awful guilt (though rationally I know I shouldn't). I think I was still quite vulnerable when I met current DP so someone with his head screwed on, no apparent issues, a good job and house were a welcome breath of fresh air. Now I'm sat here wishing I hadn't rushed into anything.

But also I am thinking I am 40 years old, and would like to think I'd have kids but have to be realistic. If I stayed with DP I could do this but if I left I might not get the chance again.

I find myself obsessively looking at rental listings for houses in the town where my family lives and daydreaming about the new simple life I'd build for myself there, nearer to friends and family too. I don't want to break DP's heart I don't know what the right thing to do is. Do I find somewhere to live first before telling him?! It's not like we have a spare bedroom I can stay in for the interim even and I can't stay with family as they are all shielding for various reasons. I feel so sad and stuck.

Well done, OP. It's possible he's settling for you too, in order to get the kids and family. It seems to me men get a better deal out of settling than women do.

His behaviour means you can't do this in the usual way- that's his problem not yours.

@TwoDrifters2 you said "I know COVID-19 is only potentially an issue with secondary fibromyalgia, not primary"

Can you explain that a bit please?

I think secondary fibromyalgia is where there is an underlying health condition or illness that it has stemmed from, eg hepatitis C or injuries.

Yes, I haven't seen anything suggesting a difference with Covid19. I have Fibro, probably primary, though quite how that is decided I don't know.

@picklemewalnuts Hello! Sorry if I worried you in any way, I read it here: creakyjoints.org/living-with-arthritis/coronavirus/fibromyalgia-coronavirus-risk/

Thank you! It's not the Fibro that's the problem, but potentially the first condition could be.

Good site! I often wonder whether Fibro means I'll react badly to unrelated health issues- routine operations etc.

Has he backed off a bit, or is he still hanging around?

It must be so tough, in lockdown.

He's been out for a while and I'm now walking the dogs. He'll be back soon and wanting to talk, don't know how to put him off for now, just say I'm feeling a bit down and worn out?!

You could say that, like many many people, you are:
finding the CV situation very stressful,
that life is very different,
you miss your usual distractions and having time and space to yourself.

It's true, after all. Just with a side helping of 'and you're making it worse'!

Add in Fibro and the fact that it's a fairly new relationship... plus he doesn't give you room to feel how you feel- he's making you account for yourself.

I got told off the other day for laughing with my colleagues so "apparently" I can't be that down

Great, I just got back at the same time and we're locked out the house - locksmith had been today to fix back door and fiddled with the front one but now it won't open so we are sat outside the house in silence waiting to get back in.

Couldn't make it up. Send

🧁🍫

Take your pick!

Oh no. I was also thinking maybe hide your car keys and the spare set in case he rumbles you and takes your keys to stop you leaving (might also want to do that with phone and credit cards - ie out of his reach).

Also can you collect keys on Monday if it’s a bank holiday?

Yes they are working on bank holiday and said it's fine - the inventory guy will also be working apparently - I think they're trying to make up for lost time the past couple of months.

Tell him he's suffocating you and you need space for the weekend.

I just told him that but he followed me to the kitchen and stood the doorway interrogating me. I said please respect I don't want to talk but he then ranted at me for about half an hour and wouldn't stop questioning me. I kept repeating myself saying I felt down and anxious about everything and didn't feel like talking, but he wouldn't give up. Exhausted by it all.

I think he might be going to stay at his parents. Which would suit me just fine to be honest.

Bloody hell I do feel a bit sorry for him. Obviously the relationship sounds awful and no one should stay when they’re not happy, but he clearly knows something is up and going on and you’re basically gaslighting him into thinking he’s imagining it when in fact you’re planning to move out in three days! Surely a measured conversation would be the best way forward. He doesn’t sound great but it’s not an abusive relationship that you’re having to secretly flee from

I am going to speak to him and be honest but when I have literally nowhere I can go if it all blows up, I'm not going to put myself in a vulnerable position.

...I dunno about that @Hipho

He wont give her any space, ignores her boundaries and last time she talked about leaving he threatened to stab himself. Somewhat abusive I'd say.

Could you ask him to stay with parents for the weekend ('we both need some space, I think it would be good for us') and be gone by the time he comes back on Monday?

Hipho, she's told him she isn't happy and asked for space. He's refusing and forcing the issue. She's the one in a vulnerable position, away from her family and friends with nowhere to go.

I've pretty much just told him I'm not happy in the relationship. I think gets it, but then resorted to trying to counsel me. I do feel pretty bad about it all.