Feeling paralysed

[wheresmolly]

I feel totally stuck and don't know where to turn.

Been with DP for about 16 months, living together half that time. I relocated to be here with him and all was good at the beginning. But about 3 months ago I realised the spark had died and it just wasn't panning out as I'd hoped, I'd say not for lack of trying on either side, I think we're just very different people. I also am finding it hard not having my own space, as I was used to.

There is nothing really wrong with DP but I find myself irrationally irritated by everything he does - even breathing 😒 plus his vaping and weird grunting noises that I can hear all round the house. I just can't picture us being together until we're old and grey, or until next year even. I am pretty sure he feels more positively about things which makes this even harder for me.

I find myself making excuses to go and sit upstairs on my own, just to escape, eg working, resting cos I'm tired... though currently I am needing to rest as my fibromyalgia which is normally very mild is out of control and I'm in agony all over - he keeps saying it's from working too much but I know it's the stress of thinking about everything.

I think back to when we first got together and it was all good, and we got along great but I didn't feel the same spark I've felt with other partners. I think I saw him as a "safe" option. If I give the back story to this it might explain a few things: a few years ago my abusive ex DP took his own life - this was preceded by months of abuse and me having to make him move out, whereupon he started harassing me. It was the most harrowing time of my life and I had many dark moments, it was incredibly lonely and I still feel awful guilt (though rationally I know I shouldn't). I think I was still quite vulnerable when I met current DP so someone with his head screwed on, no apparent issues, a good job and house were a welcome breath of fresh air. Now I'm sat here wishing I hadn't rushed into anything.

But also I am thinking I am 40 years old, and would like to think I'd have kids but have to be realistic. If I stayed with DP I could do this but if I left I might not get the chance again.

I find myself obsessively looking at rental listings for houses in the town where my family lives and daydreaming about the new simple life I'd build for myself there, nearer to friends and family too. I don't want to break DP's heart I don't know what the right thing to do is. Do I find somewhere to live first before telling him?! It's not like we have a spare bedroom I can stay in for the interim even and I can't stay with family as they are all shielding for various reasons. I feel so sad and stuck.

Now I'm dreading the neighbours seeing me move out, so embarrassing. I feel bad for him too being left to explain

Also not sure what to do, as it's an hour's drive to the new place so I don't think I will get everything moved in one day (multiple trips will be needed). Maybe I should move stuff to a local storage place in the first instance so it's at least out the house? So much to think about 😕

I was going to say "can someone help you move" then remembered CV-19

I think a storage place would be a good idea, especially if you could get it now and start to quietly move things out, without your partner or neighbours noticing (if that would make you feel better and less uncomfortable).

Best of luck for the future

No biggie - give the neighbours something to look at! You'll never have to see them again, and it might do him good if they take pity on him. I don't know about storage being open because of covid, you'd have to check. Could you hire a van to take everything at once? Would probably be cheaper than storage. Again don't know how covid affects can hire. You'll figure it out - you are clearly resourceful x

I've packed a few things already - a couple of bags under the bed. But there's so much to sort out and I can't bear the thought of doing it while he sits there watching me and feeling sad, I know if it was the other way round I'd be terribly upset dreading it.

I don't hate him, I really care about him and want him to be ok. I hate hurting people, it's just the worst feeling in the world.

I know what you mean. But separation and endings are part of life. Nobody can protect anyone from that. You're living your truth, and giving him the chance to find an authentic connection with someone new. In the long term he can learn and grow because of this experience. You can both be better at finding the right person if you have a good break-up. Be as honest with him as you can and hopefully he can accept that if it wasn't right for you, it wasn't right. Of course it will be sad and emotional but that doesn't make you a bad person. I'm not sure but if you google I'm sure people have written stuff about how to have a good break-up. Might help you to have a bit of a framework so you can stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty. X

Surely it would hurt him more to stay with someone who doesnt love him anymore?
Also, you've not even been together a year and a half. He'll get over it.

Sits there watching you? You think he will? Wow, sounds a little emotionally manipulative. I'd say have a friend over to help you move but I guess that's not possible right now.

Hi wheresmolly I’ve name changed for this as my dh family are on here.

I married my safe bet and I had similar back ground with abusive ex. I was very vulnerable when I met dh and he really did soothe my soul. He is a nice guy.

I had two kids with him.

Now ten years in am preparing to leave as I just can’t bare to stay in the relationship any more. It’s gone. We’re friends but I don’t fancy him - I don’t think I ever did really although he has an attractive face.

All his little habits that were there at the beginning that I over looked can make me want to ram my head through a window. I can’t sit at a table whilst he eats. The thought of sleeping with him make my skin crawl. I’m starting to hate him when in fact he is an ok guy.

He started to be able to read my feelings for him a couple of years ago which effected him. He knew I didn’t fancy anymore and it effected his self esteem and we’ve become like two robots living in the same house looking after the kids.

For me I’m getting my head around it by telling myself it’s just another chapter in my life. People come and go.

We both deserve better. And I’m looking forward to being by myself and being able to breath again.

40 is still young. I’m the same age and I’m excited about the future

Thanks for the reassuring words everyone, this helps.

I keep thinking about how he appears in my sister's wedding photos that all the family have up on their wall. I remember when my ex died and no one knew what to do about photos he appeared in - my dad went round doctoring them all so he was cut out of them. Now I can't bear that they have to do it again, they'll be getting sick of me

I just know people will be thinking how I am a lost cause.

Maybe don't take wedding photos with the next guy xD until he's your husband at least lol.

These things happen,no sense beating yourself up about it.

@wheresmolly
Sounds like you just need more time living by yourself OP. Doesn't sound as though you were mentally healed enough to be in a serious relationship after your abusive Ex (did you get some proper therapy following that whole episode and what followed?).

I think your fibromyalgia is your mind and body telling you something's not right in your life and, however nice your new partner is the situation is not right for you. It really is better for both of you that you're not staying hoping things will improve.

Well done for being so proactive and finding a new potential home. I hope that goes through smoothly for you and the move is not too stressful. Don't forget to take your personal and financial papers (birth certificate, financial documents) and to redirect your mail to your new address when that's confirmed. Remember to apply for your 25% single occupier council tax discount once you've moved home.

Here's to to next and, hopefully, happier chapter of your life. 🍷 🌹

You don’t have a RS to please your family.

They may well have an opinion on it (not that it relevant) that is the same as you. It’s past it’s sell by date. It was a transition and a chapter. No one is hurt, there are no children to consider - and in 3 months time everyone will be feeling refreshed and brighter. You are not breaking your OHs heart - he knows the connection isn’t there - he has moved on from RS in the past.

Yes, he has been through a divorce before and has bounced back from that, so I am sure will be ok in the end. I think he is just a bit bitter and sad as all of his mates are married with kids and that's all he wants but I am destroying that for him - I do feel bad about that.

He has all the time in the world to achieve that (as he did for the decades before he met you) - you don’t owe him this or are in anyway responsible for his happiness. But your actions of moving on are actually for his long term happiness - he deserves (as you do) - that deep authentic connection and to have DCs in a stable home.

@Gutterton thank you, that helps me to put things in perspective. Sitting in the garden enjoying my first sun of the day (been working flat out all day on three hours sleep ).

I've not spoken to him about it yet as still waiting for confirmation about the new property. Gotta get those ducks in a row.

Have you had any conversations with him about how you feel? Sorry if I missed that you have.

We have spoken previously about how I was feeling suffocated by his behaviour. Tonight confirmed for me that I'm making the right decision - cooked a nice dinner for him then said I was going to read my book upstairs as I am wiped from work (all true) and he had a major huff and said he's going for a drive. I can't abide sulking, it's so draining.

Still can't tell him I'm moving out as haven't had final confirmation about move in date for new place. This is still making me feel so ill, just the stress of it all in so much pain. I am wary of telling him too soon in case he flips out and then I have nowhere to go (family all isolating presently). Ho hum, just trying to keep myself busy with work for now.

You are doing this perfectly. Poker face. Keep finding little ways of coping. Telling that you are concerned he may “flip out” - must make you even more resolute. But be careful and have a contingency if you feel threatened or unsafe. How much longer do you have to wait to move in? Will you tell him on moving day or at sometime before?

Last time I tried to talk to him about things he got very exasperated and started hitting himself round the head then said he was going to stab himself with a knife. That didn't go down very well with me after my previous experiences.

So basically he is emotionally manipulative.

Maybe start moving some things out (could send it to your parents house: just let them collect it from the doorstep) so on the day you can just take a bag and leave and not worry about having left a lot of stuff behind.

Then just text him from the new place that its over. And block him. You dont owe anyone who will be emotionally manipulative a goodbye in person.

If he finds a way to contact you threatening to harm himself again then either tell his family and make it clear you want nothing more to do with it. Or call him an ambulance. They'll soon call his shit out for what it is.

Ps: I would certainly be moving any important documents, passport ect, to my parents. If you have to leave before planned you dobt want to have to come back for anything.

Wow. That’s some emotionally blackmailing stunt.

He is v manipulative and toxic. That must have been v traumatising for you - and he knew that.

Have you spoken to anyone in RL about those behaviours? Def keep your cards close to your chest - and just move out / have a friend with you. If he does anything like that again call the police - these situations need professional involvement.

If he is blagging - sunlight is the best disinfectant - if not he will get help.

I am so sorry that he has been so cruel to you given what you have been through.

Time for some deep restorative healing by the seaside with your family.