Husband refuses to see my family

[JustBeingMoi]

Just that really. What the heck do I do?!

We have had massive relationship issues in the last few years, which have recently got so bad I have been driven to seeking advice from my sister. I have kept issues to myself before, but just after Christmas it all got too much and i desperately needed someone to talk to. He knows and was really angry about it.

In March he moved out for a few weeks and I told my Mum the situation. He now thinks my whole family know everything about what has been going on, and won't believe me when I say they don't.

Now he is saying he won't see them again because of it. We had a big family wedding anniversary planned for next week, obviously it's not going ahead, but he was quite content for me and my daughter to go on our own.

He has also said the same about Christmas. The deal has always been that we do one Christmas with my family and one with his and alternate so it's fair, then we go and see the other family on Boxing Day. It has it's own challenges, but generally works. This coming Christmas it is our turn at my families. As a family we have already book a property to stay in (hopefully this happens still, with Covid around). It is something i look forward to all year.

He has always had a difficult relationship with my family, and generally makes family gatherings difficult for me. But now he is basically making me choose between him and them, just because he is worried I have told them too much! All because I needed some support.

How do I manage this. My family are incredibly important to me, as well he knows. We like very far away from them all and we are all dispersed so make a conscious effort to get together for big birthdays, wedding anniversaries and of course Christmas. Up until Lockdown, we saw his parents several times and week, and ho on holiday with them. I would never dream of putting him in the same situation!

That latest incident you described on the other thread does sound nasty.

I notice that your reason for still being with him is not that you are unsure whether his behaviour is "bad enough" for you to leave. So you know how bad his behaviour is. Your take on it at present is that you're too weak to leave. But we've all heard stories of women who have surprised everyone by suddenly resisting after years of being cowed into submission. What would it take for you to do that? What would have to happen?

I also notice that you definitely seem to be taking on responsibility for the problems, rightly or wrongly (I don't know as you still refuse to say what the issues are). But it's also a classic abuser/gaslighting trick - to make you think it's your fault, or partly your fault.

I think you should leave. You're not going to do that right now. But perhaps you'll listen to this: Go talk to people in real life. Your family. Your friends. get some views on what's happening. Because it seems to me his biggest hold over you right now is that he's keeping you in line by insisting you don't talk to anyone which gives him plenty of scope to ensure you continue to believe you are a big part of the problem.

@ravenmum I don't know, because I give him red lines and then seem to take him back when they are ignored, because I feel guilt, because I've not given him another chance, or that I've not tried hard enough to fix it, or that a lot of it is my fault that I should be working hard to fix and I'm obviously not working hard enough because it isnt fixed.

I've said to myself for a long time, I just wish he would cheat because that would be something tangible. Pathetic isn't it? I know if my family knew the half ofbit, they would tell me to leave. But it just never feel like it's that simple. I feel so confused about what the right thing to do is!

OP it is very normal to discuss what is going on in your life with your family and friends. He moved out of the family home and you were meant to keep that a secret from your family?!
It sounds like he is abusive towards you. You keeping quiet all this time is helping him. Have an honest conversation with someone close to you about what has been going on, it might help you clarify if this is a relationship you want to be in. 💐

From what I've heard, what you describe is not pathetic but pretty normal after years of being worn down.

If you told people all the details, what are you afraid they would think?

My exh cheated, and I felt guilty about that. Many people forgive a lot of cheating, too. I wouldn't wait for that.

I know if my family knew the half ofbit, they would tell me to leave. But it just never feel like it's that simple. I feel so confused about what the right thing to do is!

Because he's clearly gaslighting you. And is aware enough that if your family knew the truth, they'd be able to overcome his gaslighting techniques. He's convinced you its not that simple. He's convinced you that YOU need to try harder. He knows it's all bullshit. it's all on his terms.

But I'm pissing into the wind, I know that. Just as I am every time I express shock at BIL's behaviour and SIL finds yet another way to justify it/accept responsibility for HIS behaviour.

Sorry OP. Just reread that and it sounds like I am also blaming you. I'm not. I don't fully understand how these things happen but I do fully understand that they do and that making the tough decisions is hard. That's why I'm begging you - if you do nothing else, don't let him separate you from your support structure.