Husband refuses to see my family

[JustBeingMoi]

Just that really. What the heck do I do?!

We have had massive relationship issues in the last few years, which have recently got so bad I have been driven to seeking advice from my sister. I have kept issues to myself before, but just after Christmas it all got too much and i desperately needed someone to talk to. He knows and was really angry about it.

In March he moved out for a few weeks and I told my Mum the situation. He now thinks my whole family know everything about what has been going on, and won't believe me when I say they don't.

Now he is saying he won't see them again because of it. We had a big family wedding anniversary planned for next week, obviously it's not going ahead, but he was quite content for me and my daughter to go on our own.

He has also said the same about Christmas. The deal has always been that we do one Christmas with my family and one with his and alternate so it's fair, then we go and see the other family on Boxing Day. It has it's own challenges, but generally works. This coming Christmas it is our turn at my families. As a family we have already book a property to stay in (hopefully this happens still, with Covid around). It is something i look forward to all year.

He has always had a difficult relationship with my family, and generally makes family gatherings difficult for me. But now he is basically making me choose between him and them, just because he is worried I have told them too much! All because I needed some support.

How do I manage this. My family are incredibly important to me, as well he knows. We like very far away from them all and we are all dispersed so make a conscious effort to get together for big birthdays, wedding anniversaries and of course Christmas. Up until Lockdown, we saw his parents several times and week, and ho on holiday with them. I would never dream of putting him in the same situation!

[BlingLoving]

Sorry OP. Just reread that and it sounds like I am also blaming you. I'm not. I don't fully understand how these things happen but I do fully understand that they do and that making the tough decisions is hard. That's why I'm begging you - if you do nothing else, don't let him separate you from your support structure.

[BlingLoving]

I know if my family knew the half ofbit, they would tell me to leave. But it just never feel like it's that simple. I feel so confused about what the right thing to do is!

Because he's clearly gaslighting you. And is aware enough that if your family knew the truth, they'd be able to overcome his gaslighting techniques. He's convinced you its not that simple. He's convinced you that YOU need to try harder. He knows it's all bullshit. it's all on his terms.

But I'm pissing into the wind, I know that. Just as I am every time I express shock at BIL's behaviour and SIL finds yet another way to justify it/accept responsibility for HIS behaviour.

[ravenmum]

From what I've heard, what you describe is not pathetic but pretty normal after years of being worn down.

If you told people all the details, what are you afraid they would think?

My exh cheated, and I felt guilty about that. Many people forgive a lot of cheating, too. I wouldn't wait for that.

[Postmanbear]

OP it is very normal to discuss what is going on in your life with your family and friends. He moved out of the family home and you were meant to keep that a secret from your family?!
It sounds like he is abusive towards you. You keeping quiet all this time is helping him. Have an honest conversation with someone close to you about what has been going on, it might help you clarify if this is a relationship you want to be in. 💐

[JustBeingMoi]

@ravenmum I don't know, because I give him red lines and then seem to take him back when they are ignored, because I feel guilt, because I've not given him another chance, or that I've not tried hard enough to fix it, or that a lot of it is my fault that I should be working hard to fix and I'm obviously not working hard enough because it isnt fixed.

I've said to myself for a long time, I just wish he would cheat because that would be something tangible. Pathetic isn't it? I know if my family knew the half ofbit, they would tell me to leave. But it just never feel like it's that simple. I feel so confused about what the right thing to do is!

[BlingLoving]

I also notice that you definitely seem to be taking on responsibility for the problems, rightly or wrongly (I don't know as you still refuse to say what the issues are). But it's also a classic abuser/gaslighting trick - to make you think it's your fault, or partly your fault.

I think you should leave. You're not going to do that right now. But perhaps you'll listen to this: Go talk to people in real life. Your family. Your friends. get some views on what's happening. Because it seems to me his biggest hold over you right now is that he's keeping you in line by insisting you don't talk to anyone which gives him plenty of scope to ensure you continue to believe you are a big part of the problem.

[ravenmum]

That latest incident you described on the other thread does sound nasty.

I notice that your reason for still being with him is not that you are unsure whether his behaviour is "bad enough" for you to leave. So you know how bad his behaviour is. Your take on it at present is that you're too weak to leave. But we've all heard stories of women who have surprised everyone by suddenly resisting after years of being cowed into submission. What would it take for you to do that? What would have to happen?

[timeisnotaline]

He sounds like he makes you miserable and is a hypocrite with one standard for him and another for you. Personally I wish you the strength to leave him.

[gumball37]

Okay... After reading your response a few above this.... Fuck that. This is an ongoing issue for over a decade?! Yeah... Time to just focus on you and your kids. Sounds like you'll have support from your family.

[gumball37]

I wouldn't look at it as choosing one over the other. If you're happy to be married to him... Then you have chosen him. But you should still see your family as much as you did... Or now want to. He doesn't have to come... But since it's his decision to stay home then he needs to be an adult about it and not guilt you. I'd have never given up my family for my spouse.

[Antipodeancousin]

If you shared your worries with your family because your husband is being very unreasonable or abusive I think that is fair enough. It’s likely he wants to avoid feeling ashamed or held accountable for his actions.

[Lynda07]

I don't know how this can be fixed. Do you want to fix it, op, or to call it a day? It sounds iike a difficult relationship.

It's quite normal and natural to want - even need - to unburden yourself about marital problems but is really better if you confide in someone on the outside, who is completely neutral. In your husband's position I would find it very difficult to cop with family knowing all sorts of things about my relationship - unless they were good things of course.

[IntoTheUnknown89]

I think it's unreasonable for him to think you wouldn't talk to your family about things. I talk to my mum and dad about everything - apart from our sex life as that's private to me.

[0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h]

Without knowing the issue you spoke to others about I find it hard to evaluate this.

When you speak to family members about your marriage you do break the intimacy with your spouse and betray confidences. It may make you feel better but it comes at cost because it will always lie between them and your family who will not be impartial and have only heard your side. In some ways you would have been better speaking to a counselor who could have supported you without leaving your partner feeling like he's being judged and discussed by people he has to see. He doesn't have to put up with spending endless holidays in that atmosphere if he doesn't want to and there's possibly fault in both sides that this is where you are now. However you may have had excellent reasons for speaking to family. If the need for family support was so crucial though I do question your future with him. It's impossible to know without knowing the reason! He could have been abusive, had an affair or some embarrassing psychological hang up that everyone now knows. My attitude would change based on what it was.

[KatherineJaneway]

I frankly think I am too weak to do what I inevitably know needs to be done.

The choice is with you though OP. You can either act and make the change or take the easy way out and live with it. Your choice.

[BumbleBeee69]

OP credit to you for keeping your family close

[Lollypop701]

Op, you already know the answer. You need to be strong and tell him what you need. Or not. But if you are not prepared to change why should he?

[Nanny0gg]

@ukgift2016

I hope your daughter, when she grows up, doesn't have a partner like the OP's.

And this is Relationships, not AIBU. Was there any need to be so unpleasant?

[FTstepmum]

OP, my heart is breaking for your situation!!!!!!

Your husband sounds just like my XH.... spitefully projecting shame, misery and darkness onto you, so you end up shouldering the unbearable emotional weight.

Please, please leave him.

I promise you now, he will not change... it's too deep-rooted.

But you do have a chance of a life without further emotional hurt.

It will be shit for a short while, but honestly, the freedom is incomparable!

[JustBeingMoi]

@ukgift2016 I couldn't ignore your comment and felt compelled to respond. My husband has made it difficult to see me family for 13 years. A fact I have increasingly resisted. Despite living well over an hour's drive from my parents, I have visited the pretty much every week since my daughter arrived, lockdown excepting. I have gone to the family gatherings and suffered the inevitable fallout afterwards. That is the issue. He believe I put my family above him. But actually I don't feel I do, and I don't believe I should be asked to pick between the two, especially at times I feel are family time, like Christmas. Perhaps you are right though and I have weak moral values, not something I thought I would every say about myself.

[ukgift2016]

So you are putting your husband who you say "is not pleasant to you' over your family who have been nothing but kind to you?

Very nice. I hope my daughter when she grows up has stronger moral values.

[BadgersAreReal]

I don't think it's selfish. If he doesn't want to see them, he shouldn't have to and you shouldn't have to see his if you don't want to. It doesn't sound like he's stopping you from seeing them so I'm not sure what the problem is.

[TorkTorkBam]

Be a lot more open with your friends and family. Use your support network. Don't tell him. See your family without him. Stop seeing his family even though you like them.

In short, get yourself lined up for the divorce you know you need. Stop pretending like each individual incident is one incident: the pattern of behaviour means you need to split and you know it.

[PrimeroseHillAnnie]

Then go and see your family and leave him at home. Can't see what the problem is.

[Cambionome]

Sadly I think you are just delaying the inevitable op.

I did similar and it just led to years of struggling and then a final awful break up when I was in my late 50s.

Much happier now though without him!