Husband refuses to see my family

[JustBeingMoi]

Just that really. What the heck do I do?!

We have had massive relationship issues in the last few years, which have recently got so bad I have been driven to seeking advice from my sister. I have kept issues to myself before, but just after Christmas it all got too much and i desperately needed someone to talk to. He knows and was really angry about it.

In March he moved out for a few weeks and I told my Mum the situation. He now thinks my whole family know everything about what has been going on, and won't believe me when I say they don't.

Now he is saying he won't see them again because of it. We had a big family wedding anniversary planned for next week, obviously it's not going ahead, but he was quite content for me and my daughter to go on our own.

He has also said the same about Christmas. The deal has always been that we do one Christmas with my family and one with his and alternate so it's fair, then we go and see the other family on Boxing Day. It has it's own challenges, but generally works. This coming Christmas it is our turn at my families. As a family we have already book a property to stay in (hopefully this happens still, with Covid around). It is something i look forward to all year.

He has always had a difficult relationship with my family, and generally makes family gatherings difficult for me. But now he is basically making me choose between him and them, just because he is worried I have told them too much! All because I needed some support.

How do I manage this. My family are incredibly important to me, as well he knows. We like very far away from them all and we are all dispersed so make a conscious effort to get together for big birthdays, wedding anniversaries and of course Christmas. Up until Lockdown, we saw his parents several times and week, and ho on holiday with them. I would never dream of putting him in the same situation!

@BlingLoving. I actually haven't given any real detail to my family, just that we are going through a rocky period, and asked for some advice and support to help me through. The things he has done have been pretty unpleasant, and I'm certain my family would not view them positively. So to a larger degree I continue to shield him, out of loyalty I suppose.

Him and my family have had a mutually difficult relationship at times, with them believing they have tried to build a relationship and welcome him in, and him maintaining they haven't. Its has made past gatherings difficult as I have ended up being stuck in the middle, wanting to spend time with them, but being made to feel guilty about leaving him on his own because he won't socialise. So to be honest, him not coming will probably make my life a lot easier in some respects, and actually allow me to enjoy myself and relax, instead of worrying about it.

So when he behaves badly towards you you are supposed to keep it all tucked up inside and keep it a secret. Most people need to speak to someone when they are having issues, what you have done is perfectly normal. Sounds like he doesn't want people to know he can be a bit of a twat and also wants to isolate you from your family.

I would just go without him.

Sounds like your family have the measure of him.

Do you really want to stay with someone who does 'unpleasant' things?

That's no way to live.

Op, I tend to agree with a PP who asked, "isn't this just straight up abuse?"

He behaves badly. You are being guilted not only into accepting that behaviour but protecting him from the consequences. in light of the fact that he has clearly been invited to family events etc, it's hard to see how your family have been unwelcoming. But it does't really matter - even if he'd had a brilliant relationship with them in the past, his behaviour has been such that it would now make them question their opinions and he wants you to lie for and protect him. Potentially damaging your relationship with your family at the same time.

Did he move back in because of lockdown?
Sounds like he is drawing your attention from his misdemeanours by making you feel like you are the one in the wrong. Don't let him guilt you into a miserable life.

But when they support OP to go LC or NC it's for herself only, not to limit other persons contact with their own parents nor grandchild.

@Sparticuscaticus'where had OP said that he's stopping her and the children seeing her family? OP has already said it would be easier for them to go without him, so I'm presuming that it's possible.

If he’s hit you, been controlling or aggressive to you, or had an affair, that’s a big old burden to carry yourself.
You say you’ve been through a “rocky patch” and you do seem to be taking joint responsibility for it, so what is he doing to make it better? He’s made things difficult for you with your family at events. Does he care about your happiness? He is draining the joy out of your family events. Is it worth it, OP? I don’t think you are happy and I think that you are trying yourself up in knots and dancing to his tune. And I just don’t see how that’s benefits you or makes you happy.
Does he like it when you are happy? Is he happy because you are happy?

Sorry, that was a lot of “happy” in one post.
It sounds like he is “bringing you to heal”, controlling and isolating you.

@saraclara
I asked: "What will happen if you let him stay away and go alone? Will he make a fuss about that too?"
OP responded: " in short I'm fairly certain he will make an issue over it."

@JustBeingMoi
Windinmyhair I absolutely agree with your comments, well said.
OP, it sounds like you have spent so much time with your DH's family, & I bet they're no picnic at times, so he's being v selfish & controling.
My relationship is on it's last legs, I'm not trying anymore as I'm trying to nail the logistics involved in separating. Point is, myself & soon to be ex have spent the last 14 Christmas Days (out of 16) apart from each other, with our respective families, as his family is (are) a nightmare. His daughter especially thought I was there to wait hand & foot on her, & she is so loud, brash & full of herself, she is not someone whose company I would seek.
No advice, as it's your business, but as you have stated you love your family. Best wishes to you.

What would happen if you invited some of your family to your own home, OP?
Do his family visit your home?

@HotSauceCommittee, he avoids the house if they do come round, or I invite them when he isn't around. His family do visit. As I say, we get on so I stick around.

@Saraclara
You're being obtuse. You copied it and I replied to your copied text that you'd agreed with as being inappropriate here

OP spoke about DH discouraging contact with her Parents and family

It's all there if you RTFT

@JustbeingMoi

Glad to help and that others are being supportive too. It sounds very difficult and emotional, and you have a right to talk to whomever you choose.

If I were you I wouldn't share with him
who you talk to or when you have. You're an individual with needs as well as a wife and have a right to privacy. His moods and needs don't trump yours.

When you feel confused and torn, please try to remember that your DD will model herself on your example. So putting yourself last to others' (his or his families) wants, and feeling you have to justify a normal human need is not a 'normal' you want to portray. It's easily done, we are conditioned into it as women and mothers, but it's what I remind myself when I find myself doing same- it's wise advice I was given at a time I needed it. Also IME no-one thanks you for letting them or others put you last always, they just walk over you more.

If I found out my Dh had shared information about our marriage with a member of his family, I would be livid and embarrassed. I would never share any problems with my family and I would expect to ea same respect in return. My sister has told me stuff about problems between her and her do and, tbh, I find it awkward when we are all together. It's her choice to stay and work through their issues, but it is very difficult not to take her side and I'm sure he feels it at times. I think you were wrong to share with your sister. Especially when you know the relationship, in his eyes, is already not ideal.
I'm fairly sure, despite what some posters will say, if you had come on here upset because your Dh had shared info with his family, you'd be reading lots of ltb type posts.
As far as him seeing your family, I'd do what someone upthread said - make sure he knows he's invited but don't oressuryhim into attending. As long as he doesn't try to force you to stay away, there should be no problem.

What does he think of a mutual arrangement of he doesn’t see your family and you never see his?

So to be clear his family know and you have to suck it up and carry on as normal with them , and he won’t see your family because they know ? Or am I wrong? Sounds like he has never liked your family and doesn’t want to do anything about that. Depends if you are happy with him never seeing your family again, and if he will do this nicely... as in you go to your family have a great time and he isn’t an idiot when you get home for ‘leaving him’ ...

My sister's late husband was like that. We just let him stay home whilst we went out. Eventually he told her that he was intimidated by us as we were obviously well educated and he wasn't (he was in my year at school) .

Eric
With respect, I think it's a different situation OP described, than just sharing private marital information without good reason or context. Her posts indicate she was struggling to feel clear about it all, upset and needed support from her close family.

It's great that you and your DH/Dw can sort things out between you, but OP isn't you and her DH moved out at one point- it was serious and upsetting. You can't go through that alone nor should anyone feel bad about talking It's a dangerous mindset otherwise for many reasons.

There's a whole counselling industry around needing to talk. Not everyone can afford that, want that and most people are encouraged where they need to, to talk close friends and family for their mental & emotional wellbeing. OP hasn't indicated at all that she didn't choose well.

Lilypop also makes a key point which negates all OP's DH's objections

So to be clear his family know and you have to suck it up and carry on as normal with them , and he won’t see your family because they know ?

NRFT to be fair your mum and sister know so they will have told their respective partners etc. Just let things simmer down, don't worry about this Christmas, there will be many more.

How do you think your family will react to him if he is present? Will they manage to treat him normally or will there be an 'atmosphere'?

My DD had issues with her partner. I knew there was something amiss but she wouldn't tell me for AGES. When she did finally break down and tell me what was going on she said she hadn't wanted to tell me because she didn't want me to feel differently towards him.

I did, of course I did, but I did (and do) my best not to show it, to treat him with courtesy and respect and like one of the family (their issues weren't anything that would preclude this, btw. He wasn't beating or cheating). My DD is very grateful that my relationship with her partner is unaffected, and I know it makes her more likely to confide in me in future.

@Lollypop701 yes, in my opinion his family know the same amount as mine. It was awkward with his parents initially, but to be fair they were very good about it, and just wanted to support us. I have seen them many times since.

@Erictheavocado have at no point bad mouthed my husband, or blamed him for everything. I am nothing if not a realist and know my part in all of this.

@Beechview I don't see that refusing to see his parents is an option. I hold them in high regard and affection and would want to see them again.

@Zaphodsotherhead I believe they will be polite. Only a very tiny proportion of my family know, and i told them because i could trust them to be objective and impartial to a certain degree. They are also discreet. But then i believe that has always been the case, and he has always disagreed.

OP he is using every excuse in the book to check out of being involved with your family.. it's nothing to do with what they do or do not know.. it's just about Him being a twat...