Husband refuses to see my family

[JustBeingMoi]

Just that really. What the heck do I do?!

We have had massive relationship issues in the last few years, which have recently got so bad I have been driven to seeking advice from my sister. I have kept issues to myself before, but just after Christmas it all got too much and i desperately needed someone to talk to. He knows and was really angry about it.

In March he moved out for a few weeks and I told my Mum the situation. He now thinks my whole family know everything about what has been going on, and won't believe me when I say they don't.

Now he is saying he won't see them again because of it. We had a big family wedding anniversary planned for next week, obviously it's not going ahead, but he was quite content for me and my daughter to go on our own.

He has also said the same about Christmas. The deal has always been that we do one Christmas with my family and one with his and alternate so it's fair, then we go and see the other family on Boxing Day. It has it's own challenges, but generally works. This coming Christmas it is our turn at my families. As a family we have already book a property to stay in (hopefully this happens still, with Covid around). It is something i look forward to all year.

He has always had a difficult relationship with my family, and generally makes family gatherings difficult for me. But now he is basically making me choose between him and them, just because he is worried I have told them too much! All because I needed some support.

How do I manage this. My family are incredibly important to me, as well he knows. We like very far away from them all and we are all dispersed so make a conscious effort to get together for big birthdays, wedding anniversaries and of course Christmas. Up until Lockdown, we saw his parents several times and week, and ho on holiday with them. I would never dream of putting him in the same situation!

@Elieza, interesting suggestion, and worth a try. Tricky at the moment. However I feel his relationship with my family with fraught before this.

• and perhaps now irredeemable.

I can see this from the other side - exh told his mum EVERYTHING that went on our marriage including about our sex life (or lack of it) and he thought it ok for his parents to question me - even asking me if I was seeing someone else.
I felt completely betrayed - there are some things that are between a couple and thinking it's ok for others to question and make judgements to you is a horrible feeling

I don’t see why he has to go anyway. I wouldn’t want to go for in law Christmas knowing dh had told his sister and mother problems in our marriage and it certainly wouldn’t make it any better having them just happen to pop by. I’d leave the room/have an errand to run. Wouldn’t you always wonder exactly what was said and if you could confide in your own partner without them telling others again.

Yes we have the right to talk about our issues but who you tell is equally important a best friend who doesn’t really see your partner or a professional or a work friend not someone you expect your partner to be around regularly.

@OneaForMeToo I would just like to clarify. I haven't been running off and telling tales. I spoke to my sister in general terms about there being issues between us. I read back through my messages to her last night, and there really isnt any naming and shaming. If anything I'm blaming myself for the situation.

I have sat on my own in unhappiness for several years. Knowing this would be the reaction if I spoke to anyone. I spoke to my best friend a few years ago and he was very angry when he found out, so I was wary of doing it again. I suppose it was a mark of how miserable I was, to ask for advice. I have tried to reassure him that is the case, but he doesn't believe me.

I agree generally about him not necessarily needing to see my family, but we have a daughter and I thought he would rather spend Christmas with her.

Hang on let me get this straight. So his behaviour is so hurtful to you that you have to confide in others to vent or get advice or whatever. Then he finds out you've been talking about him and has a go at you.

Er, is he not just an abuser plain and simple?

What did you want out of posting here? It sounds like you've been going round in circles being abused for years. Are you going to get out any time soon? Because you know that's the only person you can change, is you.

I find it rather strange that on MN there are so many threads where a woman not wanting to have contact with ILS is told it is ok to go no contact or low contact if that is what she wants . Why is the advice different for OP's DH here?

If they have always had a fraught relationship why would he want to have contact now that he feels OP has spoken about him/your issues which in reality means him ?

@SeasonFinale. That's fair enough. I'm not sure what ILS means, but I'm assuming in-laws. My family are a very important part of my life and I would find it strange him not being a part of that. As I'm certain his family would find it strange the other way.

I am with Saraclara on this. He has an ongoing relationship with your family and you have damaged that because you disclosed information, presumably not complimentary, to them. He was not party to that conversation. He has no way to know what was said and what their ongoing reaction to that will be & neither do you.

If my husband had been ranting about me (justified or not) there is no way I would put myself in a situation where I was in a minority of 1 in potentially hostile group. If he goes and he thinks someone has given him a look or made a pop will you support him and leave or will you use it as justification of his unreasonableness?

You would have been better going to catch the bus and ranting to the random in the bus queue. It is now up to you to repair the relationship between them.

@LivingThatLockdownLife maybe its just something I've tried to avoid seeing for years.

I wanted some advice really. I think it's easier for people outside the situation to see a way forward. I can never tell if I'm being sensitive or unreasonable about something, and sometimes someone else's perspective can make it clearer.

Sounds like an excuse to me.

I can’t believe anyone is saying that they understand his issue. Ffs.

Of course you need support and of course it’s right for you to talk to close family members. Your husband is trying to isolate you from your family.

I have no idea why you’re continuing in this relationship but make it clear to him you will continue to see them he does not need to.

Whatever you do, do not let him isolate you from your family.

Season makes a very good point, there are numerous threads on Mumsnet telling women to go NC with ILs and ‘let your DH & DC visit on their own’ ... what’s the difference here?
You can’t force everyone to have a jolly family time because it’s what you want.
However if there are other issues in your relationship then you need to tackle them separately.

Of course you were reasonable to share your feelings with your sister. Like others say, it sounds like these issues are long standing - do you really want this for your future? For your dd to watch and model?

Unless I've misunderstood, you are still taking yourself and DD to a family wedding anniversary on the weekend? Surely that's vastly against the lockdown rules, and maybe does suggest that your family prioritises itself as a unit about all else, including the health of yourselves and others you have contact with, and might be a tricky one to face for someone from outside. (If that was a misunderstanding, ignore this paragraph..)

@Stuckforthefourthtime Don't panic, the wedding anniversary has been postponed to next year.

Reading this he doesn’t like your family perfect excuse- depending on what is going on in your marriage my now abusive exh used to come to every appointment with my Ds till I called the police on his attacking me - he never went to another appointment as people knew what he was.

I also think getting upset if you talk to anyone is isolating you.

Lots concern me in this post - do not stop seeing your family whatever you do.

I spoke to my best friend a few years ago and he was very angry when he found out, so I was wary of doing it again.
So he has a history of trying to stop you seeking outside help. Has he been cutting you off from outside contact in general?

in short I'm fairly certain he will make an issue over it.
Fine if he wants some time off from seeing your parents because he feels embarrassed about what he did. A nice man would give you a grateful hug for being understanding about that. Not kick up a fuss when you go without him. That part is controlling.

Keep going to your parents and family and talk DD /DC with you. They also have a right to see her and no you don't bring her back for Boxing Day. That's still Xmas and you're travelling quite a distance to see them, relax about it. If DH decides not to come that's his choice. He can't control you like this and shouldn't be trying to isolate you from your family.

Bloody hell everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes, your family and friends will have taken it in context and be perfectly capable of setting it aside They'll be pleased to see him and you being happy, when you visit. He's being daft if he doesn't realise that staying away, or trying to keep you away, makes him look worse. We're all adults and able to understand that people fall out sometimes - even married couples.

My mum moans about my Dad. Dad never moans about mum, (though he has plenty to moan about! ). It doesn't affect how I feel about either of them , I love them, flaws and all. Besides, one person's flaw is another persons strength of character that can come in handy sometimes. My ExH was an abusive controlling man but it meant that he was extremely successful in business.

People are people but his reaction now is the problem- not that you talked when you needed to. Please stop going over what you said or texted, it's none of his business nor should you apologise for anything you needed to talk about at the time. You didn't put it in the papers- you sought support from your closest family. Those were serious issues if he moved out for a while, no one should go through that alone. You're doing too much handwringing here.

Please stop putting his parents first too. They see DD almost everyday. They can go without Xmas or whatever else in turns, without any even remotely tiny adverse effect. We used to do Xmas one side and New Year the other, in alternate years.

I find it rather strange that on MN there are so many threads where a woman not wanting to have contact with ILS is told it is ok to go no contact or low contact if that is what she wants . Why is the advice different for OP's DH here?

That is a REALLY good point.

But when they support OP to go LC or NC it's for herself only, not to limit other persons contact with their own parents nor grandchild. That's what her DH is doing. He's isolating her because he doesn't like his wife talking to them.
There's no abuse or concern about OPs parents mistreating DC nor her.
This isn't the same.

Because in this case it’s clear the OP is miserable and unhappy and has been cut off from all her friends and family

In the in-laws case the majority of the time the DH is still allowed to go and have contact. Here it seems it is a way of cutting her off
OP you didn’t answer the question are you staying with him because you think it’s the right thing for your daughter because you sound defeated

@Sparticuscaticus thank you. That was a helpful response and much appreciated.

Op it is normal to confide in a close confidant in times of trouble. Absolutely normal. Even the best relationships need an outside ear sometimes. If he is angry tjat you confide in close friends/ family about a problem that says a LOT about him. And none of it good.

What are the issues that are making you unhappy? You should probably take a look at The Freedom Programme. I suspect it will be eye opening.

Thank you @CandyLeBonBon I will do that.

Can I ask, as a result of confiding in your family, do they think worse of him? You've avoided saying what the issues are but I remain concerned about the fact that he clearly thinks whatever it is, it's so bad that your family will think badly of him. Which means it probably is something most people would consider unacceptable behaviour and he is purposefully alienating you from your friends and family because he doesn't want them to tell you the truth.

If, say, he had an affair, has apologised profusely, begged forgiveness and you've decided to forgive him and work on your relationship but are nonetheless struggling and want to talk to others then yes, it's probably going to mean that your family will view him less positively. However, if that's the case, it's a direct result of HIS actions and in fact, by speaking with your family, you are trying to process and manage it so that you can continue to stay.

So either he did something unforgiveable OR he's done something wrong but for which your'e willing to move on from but he's still trying to dictate how YOU respond to HIS behaviour?

Also, this is not the same as going NC with ILs for him. That is usually when in laws treat their daughter or son in law badly, rudely, dismissively, abusively etc. That does not seem to be the case here. Although if OP's parents have always disliked him, then yes, I could see why he might not want much contact with them.